No Mark. No no no.
No no no no, no no no no no no, no no. No no no.
No; no no no no no.
In other words, even if George Bush is holding your mother hostage and jabbing carving knives into her eye sockets; even if that crazy bastard has peeled all the skin off your body and won't give it back; even if God Himself came down and told you to send this stuff out, do not, and here I repeat myself, do not fucking send me this shit ever again.
Send it to Spinnwebe. Send it to The Stile Project, and remind him of his abusive childhood. God forbid, send it back to George. Send it to the mother-fucking virus research centre in Geneva.
I know it seemed like a good idea, Mark. I know that deep down, while you were masturbating to the sounds of Slipknot and GWAR, your brain was saying "I KNOW! Let's send the sickest, most depraved filth available to mankind to a couple of your buddies! They'll LOVE it!"
But no, Mark. Your brain was lying to you. There are some certainties in life: taxes will go up, Janine Lindemulder will only fuck other women, you'll never be able to stop your downward plummet into alcoholism and habitual statutory rape, and finally, but most importantly, your friends do not like to see hot blonde women fucked by horses. We might pretend to; we might even intimate that every now and again we've had a look. But we're lying, Mark. We're just full of shit, and we're pretending to be worldly and wise in the face of life's innocence-shredder.
That stuff scares us. Probably not as much as it scared the hot blonde woman who had a huge horse jump on her frail back and plummet his massive horse penis into her tiny body, all for the enjoyment of a select group of men (and women) who are obviously insane and completely out of touch with real life; but it still is pretty scary.
I wish it were an ugly girl. I wish, wish, wish, that the poor woman who was stabbed into submission by that horse dick was horrendously unattractive. Because then I can look at her and say:
"Ugly girl, you shouldn't be in porn. Porn is for hot girls, cheerleaders and celebrities on the up-and-up. Not for ugly girls. Because even though you, ugly girl, possibly (and probably) have a lovely, shining light-filled soul, a soul so filled with joy and love that it actually glows with an eternal light, even though you may have an undefeatable, immortal spirit, no matter how big that horse's penis gets, it's not going to find it. Basically, you can't fuck someone's beautiful, undefeatable spirit, but you can fuck two hot bisexual blondes on the back of a motorbike. So hunch over, ugly girl, and enjoy the horse; 'cos he's sure as hell enjoying you".
To conclude, Mark my friend, let me make a couple of statements. Firstly, thank you for the interest you show in sending me the wonderful emails you do send me every day. I appreciate it. I do. Second, I understand that the internet may have usurped your mind with its craziness, and it is for that reason that I am not calling the police and sending them to your house. But thirdly, and most importantly, please don't send me any more bestiality.
Even if the horse is supermodel standard. Even if the horse is wearing fucking fishnet stockings and has long, golden hair. Even if the girl that the aforementioned sex-god horse is fucking is smiling, waving at the camera and giving the thumbs-up sign. Even, and I want you to listen here, Mark, even if the girl holds up a huge illuminated sign that says "I Like 2 Fuck Horsies Long Time", I still don't wanna see it.
Oh, and please don't put subject lines like 'this is just a leetle sick'. Because, my friend, you have sent me some incredibly sick shit before, and so I look at that subject line and think "Great! This one's only a little bit as sick as that one with the fat hunchback lesbian dwarf!", and I open it without worrying about my eyes. Please, next time some strange compulsion comes over you to you to send out naked pictures of Roseanne, please use a more descriptive subject, i.e "Fat Roseanne with Fat Boobs Fat Naked Fat Urgh".
An excellent, informative subject line for this last email would have been: "Warning Warning Stay the Fuck Away: Horse Fucks Woman, I really really mean it guys!!".
Well, thanks for reading. Like I say, don't stop sending me mail. Just no more horse porn. Please.
an actual response to an actual email.