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You're scanning the personals for a prospective partner in crime. Text can't tell you if she has high cheekbones she's 5'5" and 110 lb, and really looks like a model. Nevertheless, there are certain indicators.

If she's good looking she WON'T say:

  • I've been told I'm pretty/good-looking/beautiful
  • I'm a great cook
  • I'm loyal (RUN!)
  • I can dress in blue jeans or in a little black dress, however you want me to (SOMEHOW WE DOUBT SHE COULD FIT INTO A LBD)
  • The first thirteen times I posted this ad, I didn't have much luck, but here goes anyway. Please PLEASE call me. (SPRINT!)
  • I'd love to go to a romantic restaurant and drink wine and later, go on a romantic stroll under the moonlight (SHE MIGHT BUT YOU WON'T)
  • I'm looking for an honest, caring man (DO NOT LEAVE A PHONE NUMBER)

If she's good looking she MIGHT say:

  • Most men underestimate me because of how I look (WORTH A TRY)
  • I love the Caribbean and love nothing better than being on a boat with a tall man with tight abs (HOT, BUT RUN!)
  • I'm not high maintenance, but I do appreciate a man holding the car door open for me and buying flowers occasionally. (SHE'S HIGH MAINTENANCE)
  • I appreciate the attention from you younger guys, but if you're younger than 25, there are plenty of other hotties that would work well for you. (DEFINITELY CHECK HER OUT)
  • You should be confident but not arrogant. You should be active and fit. A moonlit drive down to the beach will make you as happy as a night on the town. You should look as good in a tuxedo as you do in blue jeans and a tight tee shirt. (EXPENSIVE)
  • Listening to one another's thoughts, dreams, and desires. Why not? Life is so incredibly beautiful. (YES PEOPLE REALLY WRITE LIKE THIS)
  • I might let you paint my toenails (KINKY AND INTERESTING)
  • Don't bother sending 'form' replies. Cut and paste does nothing for me. (SHE'S DONE THIS A LOT)
  • Shoot me a few lines. I'll get back to you. (COOL CHICK)
  • It's not about your looks or your financial situation. It's the whole package. (YOU'D BETTER BE HOT AND LOADED)

The ones who care what you think about them are by definition good wife material, but may not be a true hottie. The hot ones don't care if you live or die. Life is all about them.

Welcome, new arrival to Planet Earth! We understand that you are seeking attractive Earth females for your "Mars Needs Women" intergalactic scavenger hunt. However, since you are an arthropoid/cephalopoid/piscoid you are probably not accustomed to hominid standards of beauty and may find yourself utterly unable to determine if a woman is indeed good looking.

Never fear! While (as Earthlings are wont to say) beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there are certain general guidelines you should follow to ensure the pulchritude of your female specimens.

First, check for a pulse in the neck of the specimen. If you do not find one, she is dead. You should discard her. Likewise discard any specimens that do not exhibit a skin color compatible with fully oxygenated blood (see color chart for possible ranges). However, an appropriately flush skin tone combined with persistent unconsciousness (see attached pain response test) may be indicative of carbon monoxide poisoning. Such poisonings are common near idling spaceships. You may administer an antidote or discard if you expect you can find a fresher specimen in your time limit.

To establish basic likelihood of beauty, check for the following:

  • Does she have two arms and two legs? Do they seem to function normally? Does she walk/run upright on both legs? A limp is usually acceptable unless accompanied by extreme difference in leg length. Refer to our special booklet on "Chasing Damsels in Distress" for tips on evaluating the limb function and aerobic capacity of potential abductees.

    More than the expected number of limbs is usually a bad sign; lack of the expected number of limbs may be acceptable in a pinch, unless the limb loss is fresh. Check for persistent unconsciousness and external blood pooling.

  • Is the keratinous fiber ("hair") growing from the top of her head thick and lustrous? Discard balding/heavily shedding specimens as they may have ringworm or radiation poisoning. Likewise discard specimens with thick, lustrous hair growth on the lower portions of their faces, as they may be men.

  • In addition to having the properly oxygenated skin tone, is her outer covering smooth and soft but firm? It should be even in texture and color, though freckles are fine. Discard specimens with large pustules, scales, extensive scabbing, or irregular skin growths larger than 4cm in diameter.

    However, do not confuse her nipples or her breasts (mammaries) with undesirable skin growths; two breasts with one central nipple apiece are desirable in any specimen. One-breasted specimens are usually fine, as are those with inverted nipples. The breast(s) should be located atop the pectorals of the upper chest. More than one nipple per breast may be problematic; more than two breasts is always problematic. Four or more nipples/breasts are a strong indication you do not have a human female; discard and continue searching.

    Likewise, discard specimens with hard, shiny skin, since they tend to be crab women from the Orion invasion.

  • Check for facial symmetry. She should have two eyes, one nose, one mouth; this is non-negotiable to most MNW-ISH judges. The presense of a realistic glass or plastic eye is acceptable. The eyes, however, should be above the nose, and the nose above the mouth. She should have both a mandible and a maxilla. Likewise, she should ideally have 28-32 sound teeth of an ivory-to-white color. Less than 28 teeth may be acceptable; more than 36 is not.

  • And finally, internal organs should in fact be internal, particularly the intestines and genitalia. If you discover prominent external genitalia and an absence of breasts, you likely have a man on your hands; discard.

We hope you've found this short guide useful. However, the advice here may not be enough to win against heavy competition; canny competitors allow enough time to do unobtrusive reconnaissance for at least a few hours before abductions. We recommend monitoring coversations between adolescent males, and identifying any female teachers or students they remark upon as being "hot". You generally can't go wrong with those specimens.

Happy hunting!

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