Oatmeal can be one of the best-tasting or worst-tasting foods depending on the preparation. I am here to tell you how to make a bowl of oatmeal that tastes like candy, and is a well-balanced meal to boot.

I like my oatmeal sweet, but if you don't, just leave out some of the sweetener... here is a recipe for some good goddamned oatmeal.

Boil some water, about a third of a medium saucepan full. Put some salt (a few pinches, or a lot depending on taste) and some sugar (same directions as salt) as you begin to see bubbles. Now at this point I would also add 2 packets of sweet-n-lo but this is heresy to some, and it is obviously optional. When the water starts to boil, take some oatmeal and just pour it in. Now I know the back of the box has specific water-to-oats ratios but fuck 'em, believe me it works. One rule of thumb though, pour slowly, and don't overfill. You just want to slow the boiling a bit but you don't wanna solidify the saucepan into an oat paste. If you need more oats (if it looks too watery) just add a bit more... but remember that the oats suck up water like a sponge. Now a word on the oats... don't use instant oatmeal... that's for your microwave. I prefer the Irish Oats in a white tin in your specialty supermarket... but you can use any non-instant oats. I find that the rough-cut Irish oats have less of that oat dust stuff that makes your oatmeal goopy... plus it feels good to chew :). Anyway, you stir constantly with a wooden spoon once the oats are in the water (metal spoon gets hot). Make sure to scoop out the corners of the pan or the oatmeal will burn in those places and will taste terrible/be a bitch to get clean. You know it's done when little pieces of oatmeal fly up when the heat bubbles up. Don't let it get too dry (though you can always fix this with some soy milk at the end). Oh yeah, right before it is done is your chance to add most anything you want. I add honey, brown sugar, and a big spoonful of butter (trust me this step makes a difference). But not the fruit yet! Add raisins and stuff at the table. Put oatmeal in bowl and serve covered in soy milk, fresh brown sugar, and raisins/fruit. Delicious!!

There are many ways to eat oatmeal.  Some like to eat it cold with milk.  Others like to use boiled milk or water and salt.  I prefer oatmeal, sugar (no salt), and boiled water, (no milk since I am lactose intolerant.  I am not a slug, but I prefer sugar over salt)  Oatmeal raisin cookies are also good. 

Oatmeal is one of the foods that will actually remove cholesterol.  (different from celery, which removes calorie..  Don't know how that happens.)

I disagree with Webster, who thinks oatmeal is intrinsically gay.

Simply put, the breakfast of champions. As elaborated in previous writeups and quite well in Oatmeal: A Balanced Meal, which you should definitely check out, there are many variations on it, but here is a very basic oatmeal recipe and some suggestions on how to spice it up.

You Will Need:

  • rolled oats, sometimes also called old fashioned oats (Quaker Oats, the generic brand at your local supermarket, whatever, but not instant oatmeal. That's for camping trips or when you're really in a hurry, and it's just not as good. So-called "quick" or "minute" oats really don't save all that much time, and are vastly inferior in texture: consider yourself warned.)
  • water or milk
  • salt (optional)
  • a pot to cook in, and a stove or other heat source to cook on
  • something to stir with
  • a bowl to eat from
  • toppings: some of the more common include milk, raisins or other dried fruit, brown sugar, butter/margarine, molasses, and honey.


  1. To make one serving of oatmeal, use half a cup of oatmeal and twice as much water or milk or whatever fluid you're cooking in (I like to use equal parts water and milk or equal parts water and apple juice). This can be doubled pretty much arbitrarily much, so put the appropriate amount of oats and fluid in the pot on the stove over medium to high heat.

  2. If you want, add about a pinch of salt for every serving of oatmeal you're going to make; my mom insists this improves the taste, but I haven't really noticed the effects.

  3. Like fruit? Add raisins or raisin-size bits of dried fruit or maybe some applesauce or apple butter at this point (you'll thank me later). Otherwise, ignore this step.

  4. Like nuts? Add some, chopped into smaller than bite-size bits (let those raisins be your guide, and the texture of the nuts: I like and recommend smaller pieces for harder nuts like almonds and hazelnuts (filberts), and bigger chunks of softer nuts like walnuts and pecans. Also please note that this adds much-needed protein and fat, plus a little more fiber to an already fibrous mass of delicious complex carbohydrates. Nutrition! (Also, in my experience fat and protein digest more slowly than carbs, even big fibery complex ones, and help me stay fuller longer — the much-prized "stick to your ribs" effect.) Again, skip this step if you don't like nuts or are allergic (in which case I do not envy you and would express my sympathies if I could do so in a non-patronizing-sounding way).

  5. Stir and watch your oatmeal bubble, boil, and thicken. More fluid and less cooking time means thinner oatmeal, less fluid and more cooking time means thicker oatmeal; again, plan accordingly. Personally I agree with Bert from Sesame Street about oatmeal: "It's no good without a lump or two", but go with whatever works for you.

  6. As the oatmeal begins to reach the desired consistency, stir in some cinnamon if you're doing the fruity oatmeal thing, or if you like cinnamon. If not, turn off the heat and pour servings of oatmeal into bowls.

  7. Serve with milk, brown sugar, molasses, honey, (more) dried fruit and/or nuts, whatever you like. If you did the apple butter variation, you'll probably find you don't need any sweetening or toppings at all, but plain oatmeal is pretty bland in and of itself, so I recommend a dollop of butter and some brown sugar. Watch 'em melt together, stir in, and enjoy.

2005.02.27 at 17:33 RACECAR says I hope you will add a sliced ripe banana as an option in your oatmeal node. It really is delicious. CHeers.

Me, I'm not so into bananas, and I prefer them just a bit on the green side of ripe, but that doesn't mean I should deprive others of the chance to explore new things, right? Also, kind words beat upvotes and C!s every day.

Oat"meal` (?), n.


Meal made of oats.


2. Bot.

A plant of the genus Panicum; panic grass.


© Webster 1913.

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