I'm BAAAAAACK!

_{oh lord, it's about time!}

After about 12 months or so, of reviewing my past nodes, working on nodes in the scratch pad (oh and thank god for it!), and the temp downtime of my favorite forum, it's time to make a comeback. Not just any comeback, but a glorious, from-any-god-you-believe-or-don't-believe-in kinda comeback.

Through out my reading, thinking, and other activities I won't say for fear of legal action, I have realized, my noding ability has, severly, diminished. I plan on changing all that. No more 2 line nodes. No more GTKY crap (thats what the Profile is for, obviously). Just good, throughly edited, noding. Not to mention, I hope to once again get in the community. Plans of being in the E2 2004 Secret Santa project, and maybe even shopping for some E2 gear.

Yes, it's a good time to be me, and always a good time to make a comeback.

Have you ever cried? I'm not talking about when you scrape your knee, or back when you were a kid and your favorite toy got taken away... I'm talking about a true cry. A real cry. There's nothing beautiful about a cry, I hate to say... I really wanted to stay beautiful.

I was supposed to be able to protect her, damn it... but I couldn't protect her from my own mistakes. I'm new at all this relationship business... why can't I seem to understand it?

I need to apologize. I need to reset this, or try to. I know it's impossible, but damn it, I can't lose my friends, or even my beliefs over this. Maybe we do need to wait. Maybe we do need to see come a month, two months, six months, a year's time if these feelings still exist. But... but I don't know how I'm gonna make it happen... I don't want to hurt Robin, but she and Mia... It's just too much for me to handle. It's selfish, but if I can't have Mia, I really can't let Robin have her. Having someone living in your head is hard.

Is this how Derek feels? I mean, not exactly... but something similar. I need to talk to him about this, I need to talk to Mia, and talk with Robin, and everyone, and try to sort this out, I hope. I really, really hope so.

I may not know love, but I know what I like

And yes, I know that "Beautiful" is almost as misused as "love" and all that jazz.

No, I'm not fled. Here's what's been up:

On May 28, 2004, I was in a bad car accident. My dear sweet Honda Del Sol was totalled. I was honking at the lady who hit me and my thumb got tangled in the steering wheel and was disclocated. I was hit from the drivers side, and though the air bags went off I didn't fly into them. I hit my head on the drivers side window frame then flew the other direction, knocking my glasses into the passenger footwell. When my head cleared a bit, I saw my arms were burned and my car was full of smoke, so I freaked out thinking it was on fire (but it was just airbag stuff). The door handle had broken, so I climbed out the window and straight into a puddle of automobile gut fluids. I then fell on my ass. All the blocked up traffic was actually honking at me to get out of the way -- I couldn't believe it -- so I stood up and flipped them all the bird, skating a bit in my oil-covered shoes. A lady who'd seen the accident came over and made me sit down until help came.

There's a short story whose title I can't recall, by Ray Bradbury I think, but the basic bent to is that there's always the same people at the scene of an accident and that they get there eerily fast. That's how it seemed, but not with people standing around looking at the accident -- the towtruck showed up first and out popped a team of (I SWEAR) Oompa Loompas who swept the bits of car out of the street and covered everything wet with kitty litter. They got there before the ambulance did and pulled away with my car before we left for the hospital.

But two and a half months in a cast and three months of physical therapy and I'm damn near as good as new. I had to take time off of my martial arts training, but I have now exceeded the level of training I was doing before the accident. I'm up to four arts, working out six days a week; arnis, kempo karate, Gracie Brazilian jiu jitsu, and muay thai.

As for my dear sweet Honda Del Sol, the best car I'd ever owned and wanted to own forever -- what did I replace it with? Obviously a two-seater, convertible, stick shift, in red. A 2004 Honda s2000. I miss the fuel economy of the del sol and the larger trunk, but the s2000 makes up for it in other ways. Vroom. Since the s2000 is anything but practical, Craig bought a truck so we have at least one vehicle which can carry stuff larger than a small handbag.

Craig and I aren't yet married, we haven't gotten around to it. At one point we'd set a date of this New Year's Eve, but we've done absolutely nothing to make any plans. It wouldn't take much, getting a marriage license is a cinch, and we do not want any traditional church ceremony or large reception.

My best friend has asked me to be her birthing coach, we're doing "hypnobirthing" classes in November. It is extremely amusing how careful people are in choosing their words when we tell them I am her coach; people seem to assume we're lesbians and go out of their way to cover the gay possibility without directly using gay words. We don't correct them, it's fun.

My sister is pregnant with number two. She's crazy. I predict a boy who will look just like their first born, but with darker hair. I had a dream about it.

How's this for funny: I have been unmedicated and seizure free for over two years now. Within the past couple of months, my dog started having seizures. Bwa ha ha. Fucking ha. The veterinarian says he should be medicated but it might make him gain weight and be more sedate. He's a 25lb dog who should weigh 40lbs, and is the most hyper stupid-poopid ever. Doesn't sound half bad. Except that I like him how he is, stupid-poopid boing-boing dog and all. His name is Cozmo, but we call him Moses, Mo-Mo, Costo, and all sorts of silly names. We've been calling him "Flower" lately, because a bearded collie named Flower is just funny. Of course that's what he'll be for Halloween, a bearded collie-flower... But there's gotta be a way to work in an epileptic joke somehow.

My father who has a long history of sexual harassment and such issues lost his job last month because of it. I don't know what to do about the situation, he is a creepy, sociopath, pervert and he's fucked up a lot of people. It'd been a long time since he'd done anything (I think), and I'd thought maybe we was finally just a harmless old man. If I didn't like my step-mother so much I like to think I wouldn't have a relationship with him at all -- but that's not true. I'd still wait for the day he'd turn into a normal, good, kind, dad. I hate him because I know that'll never happen, and I hate me because I can't give up that hope.

My mom has had skin cancer removed from her nose. The last time I saw her the scarring was still rather ugly, she had puffy yellow-black eyes and the stiches went from her forehead down around the tip of her nose. But all should be well once the stiches are out -- the doc said he was trying to make sure to get her nose back to normal.

In the broad sense, life is going great, I have a wonderful companion, financial stability, nice house and car, fun hobbies and plenty of recreational time. There's good and bad going on, just like everyone else. For some reason, though, I am tremendously depressed and have been for years, but lately to the point of injurious and suicidal thoughts. I'm doing mostly okay, I'm medicated. I've told Craig, just so that he knows, but we don't talk about it. It's best that way, what can be said?

So that's what's up, the things going on in my life. That's how I'm doing.

As someone who actually pays attention to politics I've had a very difficult time understanding why anyone could vote for George W. Bush. Okay, if your goal is to bring about armageddon the President is your man. But for everyone else he makes no sense.

As a liberal, I have never supported the President, except in the aftermath of September 11, 2001 and the war he justly made on Afghanistan. On that point America enjoyed a true bi-partisan consensus and it amazes me that he did not ask Congress for a Declaration of War. The USA Patriot Act, his total worship of corporate welfare, clear opposition to environmental protection, his fundamentalist pronouncements and his 'fuck you' attitude toward our European allies are enough to terrify me. Perhaps the reason he and 'Vladimir" get along so well is that they are two peas from the same pod.

But why do conservatives support Bush? Conservatives have long argued for limited government and fiscal responsibility. Bush has turned the budget surplus created during the Clinton Administration into record budget deficits. That should come as no surprise. Many economists never bought the blithe promises made before the first income tax cut. Anyone who has followed budget numbers for the past couple decades can see that we 'tax and spend Liberals" are far more concerned with fiscal responsibility than our conservative counterparts. As conservative commentator David Brooks put it, "If you want to control the deficit, vote for a Democrat."

Outside the Cold War, conservatives have also shown traditional suspicion of foreign adventures, particularly those involving nation building. In fact the President categorically expressed opposition to such adventures during the 2000 presidential campaign. Afghanistan is readily explained by the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, But not Iraq. The fact that the have botched the occupation so horrifically ought to terrify conservatives.

A new study from Middle Tennessee State sheds imporant light on why Bush might still win. The answer is simple: we're clueless. You'd think that after three debates and six months worth of political campaigning the people would at least have a handle on where the two candidates stood. But we do not.

Only 52% of Tennessee voters knew that John Kerry wanted to roll back tax cuts for Americans who earned over $200,000 per year. Twenty three percent thought the roll-back was the President's position. Only half thought Bush the candidate who supported giving school vouchers. Thirteen percent though it was Kerry. Only 42% correctly identify Bush as the candidate who would like younger workers to be able to privatize some of their Social Security contribution, while 19% think that was Kerry's idea. Seventy-one percent of these same people claimed to be very interested in election, with only 6% claiming disinterest.

As Linda Ellerbee used to say: "And so it goes."

Political scientists have a truism: "People get the government they deserve." I do not think Tennesseans particularly less informed than the voters of my own state of Ohio. If we vote for candidates based on ignorance of where they stand and the issues to be decided it's hardly surprising that Americans might make a bad choice.

But think of this when you vote. Look down your ballot. See the issues, the local and statewide candidates. If this is all we know about our Presidential candidate then what basis have we for deciding who shall serve as county engineer?

Democracy is a gift, because it stands between us and despotism. But that gift implies responsibility. Americans often express frustration with the quality of candidates on both sides with the associated attack ads and political catch-phrases. If we vote for candidates based on half-truths and sound bytes then attack ads and spin is all we demand. And we will get the leaders we deserve.

To read about the study done by Middle Tennessee State go to: http://www.mtsusurveygroup.org/mtpoll/f2004/MTSUPoll_Election_Report.htm

I'm going through a time in my life, and I think most of us have had them, where things just aren't going right. We do not have much money and it seems that everything is or until recently was, on the fritz: the dishwasher, lawn mower, garbage disposal, car (twice), and the dryer.

When it rains, it pours.

Saturday I lost my wedding ring. I've been losing weight ever since a week after my son was born - my doc told me I had high cholesterol and was diabetic, hence a drastic diet change. This shrunk my fingers, apparently, and the ring fell off somewhere. I'm still holding out hope that it is at home somewhere. I can get another wedding ring - not now because I have no damn money - but to possibly never have the original again, the one my wife slipped on my finger during our wedding, that's a bit depressing.

But you know what? Despite the run of bad luck lately, I'm still feeling pretty good. No matter what happens, sitting on the couch, the recliner reclined, my little son napping on my chest, his warm body expanding and contracting as he takes in his little breaths, his tiny hands dangling at the sides, his mop of dark hair filling my field of vision as I look down at him, that makes it all worth it.

Thank you, son.