Sneezing

oh, dear...what a horrible description, Webster, you're missing the art of sneezing. take it from someone who has spent the majority of his life sneezing....there's much, MUCH more to it than than.

First off, before you can reasonably converse about sneezing, you must first learn how to sneeze with your eyes open. Until then, you're just an amateur.

After that, a good attempt is to silence your sneezes. Takes a little time -- don't worry, your head won't explode. an eye might pop out like it always did with a dog i knew but hey, that's the price an artist has to pay.

Then, the most illustrious and mysterious is the multiple sneeze. I've found that the best way to instigate these is to hold your breath right before the come. Then at the last moment, slip into the sneeze. Some people are naturally gifted with the multiple sneeze. Others (like me have to practice)

There is, of course, a down-side to all of this. Sneezing is pretty much a huge pain in the ass especially when you (meaning me) can sneeze continually for more than 48 hours straight, including throughout a track meet. (Needless to say, I didn't win.) But by and large, sneezing is the way to go.

I enjoy sneezing. I really do. As a child my mother frequently found me sticking pencils up my nose to trigger a sneeze. I don't publicly admit it, but this practice has continued into my late adolescence. I try to cover it up by pretending I'm doing something more respectable, like snorting speed. Or perhaps not, that last bit was a big lie.

It's important to distinguish between the illness sneeze and the stimulated sneeze. The former is usually incredibly messy, painful and tends to make my lips crack and bleed. The latter is strangely invigorating, and leaves you feeling refreshed and happy.

Don't just take my word for it, try it. Bend a paperclip and poke around up there until you hit the trigger. Or use a biro. It's a low-cost hobby.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

Sneez"ing, n. Physiol.

The act of violently forcing air out through the nasal passages while the cavity of the mouth is shut off from the pharynx by the approximation of the soft palate and the base of the tongue.

 

© Webster 1913.