Some Observations on Getting a Girlfriend

Practical, simple advice. Aimed mainly at the younger crowd of single males... though it can be applied to virtually anyone.

Well, if you're a guy like me, kinda timid and laid-back, you've probably had more than just a bit of trouble getting a girlfriend in your lifetime. But lots of girls think you're cool though, but they just want to be... uck... "friends." Do you really want that? Probably not. You want someone to snuggle up with, to cuddle with, to make out with, and possibly to even fuck. So, for your benefit, here are four simple rules that I devised, that have helped me out immeasurably in my quest for female companionship.

NEVER tell a girl that you like her, until you have her in your arms

This is crucial. Key. Critical. The first rule. Mumble it to yourself at random intervals, scrawl it down on nearby sheets of paper. Do not forget this rule, and do NOT break it except under the strangest and most extreme circumstances. If you do break it and tell a girl that you like her, without even having touched her in any serious way yet, I can almost guarantee that you'll fail miserably and you'll have +1 to your "friend" count. (Unless, of course, she happens to TOTALLY dig you, or is really really desperate.)

Why, you ask? It's simple. Until you've had good touching going on with a girl and gotten close enough for her to know that it feels really great to be held by you, she probably isn't thinking of you as a boyfriend yet, just as someone cool to confide in (or something. That's what I always got.) Additionally, most girls like the thrill of the chase, so to speak. Being in suspense, thinking "Well, I think he might just like me... I'm pretty sure he does... hmmm!" does wonders to keep her interested in you and keep her thinking about you. (If you still don't quite understand, just think of a good mystery novel, for instance. An exciting murder mystery, really suspenseful, lots of plot twists.... only at the very beginning, they tell you who the murderer is. Not as much fun now, is it?) Naturally, this also means that telling a girl you like her via e-mail, IM's, and over the phone are GENERALLY bad ideas. In very, very rare circumstances, they can work... or if you use a little creativity, they work too. Just don't use them because you're too chickenshit to tell her face-to-face. Anyhow, that ties into the next rule...

NEVER hesitate to touch a single girl.

Makes sense right? Touch is the language of lovers, and if you want a girl to be your girlfriend and to enjoy special time with you, you have to touch her in ways that she enjoys. Begin touch with very friendly, playful, neutral touch, like playfully poking her, or holding her arm... something really simple. Work your way up from there. Don't forget to keep conversation going at this point either, keep talking about stuff (funny stuff works best! Making a girl laugh is very, very good, because it makes her feel more comfortable with you, which is exactly what you want.)

Keep touching, but don't be overbearing, don't be timid, and don't be too aggressive either. It sounds tricky, but it's something that you just learn with practice. It's good to start on the arms or shoulders. Rubbing her back is usually great. One part of her that is crucial to get a hold of is the hand. If she even lets you hold her hand, that means she is generally okay with your touching. The hand is like a gauge to determine how much she enjoys what you're doing. Holding hands is not just something romantic to do... it's like a little meter that tells you how well you're doing. If she squeezes your hand, that's generally a good sign. If she lets go of it, that means you may have just done something wrong... gently grab the hand again, apologise if you must, and don't do whatever you did again (well, not yet anyways.) This part is tough to explain... but touch is crucial. You have roughly a snowball's chance in hell of getting a girlfriend without even touching her. Besides, there's no good reason not to touch a single girl. It can be very mutually satisfying. Just remember, if she asks you not to do something, for god's sake... don't do it! That can really ruin things. And if she asks you to not even touch her, she's almost definitely beyond hope. Move on... kinda ties in with the next section.

Additionally, I've written a TON more, all about touching, over at A Guide To Passionate Touching. It ties in with this.

Until you get a girlfriend, do stuff with as many single girls as you can.

There is NO reason to fawn over one particular girl at a time, if you're not involved in a serious relationship with her. So go out, go on dates with lots of different girls... keep your options open! Before you know it, you'll start looking less desperate, and desperate is a major turn-off to most girls. You'll be more self-confident, your skills with talking and touching will improve greatly, and your chances to get a girlfriend are much higher if you have interests in several girls. Just remember that when you get one as a girlfriend, your best bet is to stick exclusively with her from that point on, until you break up with her. Don't cheat on her, and be honest with her about things that you do with other girls while you're with her. It's for the better. Don't get too greedy. Don't cheat. It's not cool.

Be patient.

There are many, many, many single girls out there. Broaden your horizons. Take chances. Be funny and spontaneous. But don't get desperate over one that just seems SOOO amazing, because when you get desperate, you tend to get stupid as well. Girls tend to not like desperate guys. So just be patient when it comes to dealing with a girl that you like. Let things happen as they will, let it flow naturally. But don't hesitate either, that's just as bad. Just be confident and self-assured, and you'll be more attractive. Dig?

So basically, the plain I like to follow is: Get her alone with you, touch her in ways that she enjoys, and when she's in your arms and you can just feel the mutual attraction... it might just be time to ask her out. And if she says yes, then you could be on your way to a great relationship. And then congrats, you've got yourself a girlfriend.

Thanks for reading my little guide, too. Any comments/corrections are much appreciated, and it will be updated and refined as I think of more stuff. Peace!

And now that I think of it, if this guide helps anyone out at all, I'd REALLY appreciate a /msg telling me a bit about it. Knowing that I've helped someone out would be worth 1000 C!s, and all the upvotes in the world.

domaindudu, I could not agree more. What a wonderful addition! It was once said that the secret to being interesting is to be interested!

I very much like Vork's ideas, I wish I could have read them a a few years ago, as they would've saved me from much time, frustration, and useless self-loathing.

I believe I have one tip of my to add to the collection which is vital and ties in nicely with his advice:

If you like a girl, talk to her about her life and the things that interest her first, not you.

It's likely that your potential girlfriend is interested in you and the things you do too, but talking excessively about what you do and the things you like isn't going to do you much good! Many guys like to think of the dating process as some kind of sales pitch in which you have to market yourself and impress your victim with your talents, intelligence, wit and good humour (and if you're a real bastard, money.) I bet you most of the time girls are happy simply to talk to someone who is willing to listen and care about their lives. If you act as though you are the centre of the universe they will feel turned off or intimidated. That is clearly the wrong approach.

This doesn't MEAN you shouldn't talk about yourself at all!

But what better way to show a girl you really like her than to put her life/interestests/problems in front of your own. Developing an interest in the other person will not only make her like you, but it will also potentially sow the seeds of a great relationship and friendship. You don't have to convert to her ways, simply respect them and accept them.

A transcript of an attempted conversation with a co-worker desperate for female companionship.

Desperation is a turn-off. The single biggest problem with finding a girlfriend is the fact that you want a girlfriend. It shows. You are radiating need and, at times, desperation. You might think that showing and telling women that you are searching for a serious relationship lets them know you are available. It doesn't, even if she is desperately wanting to find a boyfriend. The logic to that may be screwy, but on an emotional level, it just turns people off. Why? There may be several reasons.

  • You are obviously very available. If you are so wonderful then why aren't you already with someone else?
  • She doesn't feel special about your attentions. In her eyes, you would probably fling yourself at any woman who crossed your path.
  • There is no romance, no mystery and no challenge. The things we treasure most in life are those things not so easily attained. If people threw gold and diamonds at us all day long the value of these things would drop fast and soon they'd be out with the morning trash.

Don't be so damned available all the time. Making yourself available at any time and never having anything in your schedule that can cause conflicts in your availability makes you look sad. Even if you don't have any other plans, act as if you do. You don't have to lie. You just bend the truth a little. Besides, anything you do is plans. Eating a meat sandwich and watching old movies on cable is a plan. If you have nothing else to do and are also radiating a need for female companionship you might as well be walking around with "LOSER" stamped on your forehead. Anyone who is interested in finding someone to cultivate an interest in is paying attention to these things.

Be versatile. This is especially important if you have been flying solo for some time. You may be set in your ways, but now you are wanting to share your existence with another person. You are going to have to be open to change and new things. Stay who you are and don't try to become what you aren't to impress someone. It won't work because they'll see through you eventually and you will have deflated the value of honesty.

Listen first and talk second. Self-promotion is an art form but most people don't care for someone who comes out of the gate trying to sell themselves. You're not thinking drinking buddy or eager ear for your fishing stories here. You are thinking about wanting this person to develop a deeper interest in you. The first step is that they establish that you are interested in their life. You may have strong opinions on things, but don't express them as law. In listening you may also find this person would not be compatible with you. Those things you have strong opinions on are things she has opposite opinions on. This helps your filtering process. The difference between looking for a one night stand and a girlfriend is that one requires more filtering. You want this to be for the long term, so it is best to find out now if you are going to clash. Filtering reminds you that you aren't willing to settle for anyone who is interested in you and you shouldn't be.

Have some style. This doesn't mean fitting into the latest trends in haircuts or clothing. This means developing your own style and feeling good about it. However, remember that some of the basic elements of your dress and appearance might not be selling you very well. Consider the opinions of friends on these things. This goes along with versatility. Those Hawaiian shirts you buy at Wal-Mart and the 1980s hair cut might be setting you back. Be interesting. Have something about you that invites discussion and conversation (there are reasons I go out wearing silk pirate shirts). Make the style your own, but beware looking like you just have no idea how to dress yourself.

You are plenty happy being alone. Well, you are looking for a companion, so this isn't really true, is it? No matter. This is the impression you need to give to undermine the negative pull of what we've already discussed. This is something to master. When she seems standoffish, then smile and walk away. Don't cling and try to determine why she's gone cold. Don't throw yourself at her feet telling her that she means so much to you and you hoped beyond hope that she would go out with you. Resist the temptation to degrade yourself. Always walk away with a smile and a "thank you." Remember that you can be happy by yourself. Once you are with someone you will come to appreciate alone time. Think about that now.

Confidence. You have to be sure of yourself. There is no reason for you to feel any less than anyone else. We're all just people and in the end we're after mostly the same things. You are just as worthy of these things as anyone else. Just because you haven't found them doesn't mean you don't deserve them. In fact, the reason you haven't found yourself a girlfriend yet is because the right one hasn't come along and you have been too good for those who have turned you down. It is true. Every last word. And once you believe it you will find yourself going through a metamorphosis. People who are depressed, unhappy and radiate a morbid sense of "I have already failed, haven't I?" never get the worm. People walk away. Sometimes they walk away politely. Other times they will be rude. It will be a blow at your confidence, but you must always snicker inside and remind yourself that they are the ones who blew it. Not you. They missed the boat. Their loss will one day be someone else's gain.

Sail the seas.
Don't tread water.
Unless it is what you want to do.

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