Sometimes I do things just to feel alive

Do you ever feel like you want to commit suicide, but just not die? Like, go through with it and wind up perfectly safe and sound afterward? I'd love to jump off of a really tall building and just walk away from the crash. But if I ever were to commit suicide, I'd have to slit my wrists in a bathtub. It sounds like the most dignified way to go. Have a glass of wine, slowly slice your wrists with a razor blade, sit back and watch your life leave your body. Not that I would ever do something like that, I'm way too emotionally healthy for it and I'm not into permanent solutions to permanent problems.

Seriously though, there is nothing worse than that numb feeling. I think it's mostly because when you're numb, you're sad but you can't cry about for some reason. When I feel it, I lay in my bed and want to do all kinds of crazy-ass shit. Maybe I should snort some coke or something, THAT should make me feel alive. I would cut myself, but that's just psychotic and I don't want the scars.

Do these feelings ever stop coming as you get older? I got over that adolescent depression thing, maybe this is something that comes and goes with age as well...

A long time ago, people didn't have the security of jobs, houses, law enforcement, or refrigerators. Everyday, they had to go out into the world, whether it was a forest, plain, or arctic wasteland, and find food and water while not being killed by the elements. These people went out and climbed, jumped, ran, and fought knowing that if they didn't do this properly, that was the end of them. The rapids didn't care if that girl didn't accept your invitation. The stones at the bottom of the cliff didn't care if your boss didn't like you. The wolf or mountain lion sure as hell didn't care if you felt good about yourself. They felt alive everyday, becasue they had to.

These days, most people don't live primitive lives. Many have very sheltered lives and don't feel alive because "nothing" ever happens. Go out and exercise. Being alive involves your body. Even if you are a computer geek who never played sports, just start with a treadmill and jog until your sides hurt, then run some more. (Don't forget to breathe) Imagine that you are running down antelope or running from a large predator.

Once you feel more alive, it's easier to see the life in other things. Colors are brighter (no pot necessary). Food is tastier (Have you been this hungry before?). Water more satisfying (Sooooo thirsty...) It's good for you and it may give some of you that little dose of pain you may be looking for.

Maybe this sounds a little too much like a pep talk from a washed-out high school gym teacher or coach, but I don't care, I'm pumped on endorphins.

Clockwork. That is how life appears to run, days run and blur into each other, never spreading the experiences you could gain or the opportunities that you are going to miss. Like clockwork you walk past anything that could provide life and enjoyment or light, it is outside the box; keep moving now sweetheart or you'll fall behind.

Sometimes though, as you watch the people who do jump into life head first; don't you just envy them? Instead you go home feeling pitifully lonely, determined not to be alone. You go out, find a stranger- make a connection- and suddenly you're living life for an evening. Adrenalin pulses through you as you realise you don't have to sleep alone tonight; this is good, one more night of numbness may have been too much for you, sent you over the edge.

Now its morning, the stranger you fell for the night before must have left early; places to go of course; your bed is cold and empty. This is ok though, there's always tonight, you'll find someone new tonight, there's always someone out there waiting to come home with you; always. Darling help me?

Every day this continual cycle to relieve the lack of sensation, but everyday your body accustoms to it and it gets a little bit harder. Drugs, booze, danger, fast cars and rock 'n' roll- that's what it's all about. However, soon the party's too out of control, your spinning round and round and there's no one there to stop you- no one there to hold you back from popping that one pill too many; what's the matter- problem? Instead there's just hundreds of thousands of people watching from the sidelines; watching you jump into life head first, envying.