She's
cute,
smart,
sensitive, and we have a lot in common. I first met her when I was a
grad student, teaching a lab course in biology. She was one of my students.
Almost a year passed. She was in her last year of undergrad, and I didn't see much of her. In the meantime, I broke up (anticlimactically) with my girlfriend of three years. A while later, we started hanging out, I can't remember how, but we found out we shared a lot of interests and got along well. I was becoming smitten. Then she left, to pursue grad studies herself in another city.
Another year passed. I saw her another couple of times, and we corresponded and talked regularly. I realized that she fascinated me - I thought of her often, and it dawned on me that not only was she intriguing, she was one of the most wonderful people I'd ever met.
So I told her. Sitting in her apartment one Sunday night, after a nice dinner and a walk through the darkened streets of Toronto, I said "I'm your friend, and I don't want that to ever change, but I have feelings for you that go beyond friendship."
She was nice. She told me I was a good friend to her, but that she just didn't feel that way about me. She told me that she has problems becoming attached, a legacy of her parents' untimely divorce. She told me that her work doesn't leave her much time for a personal life.
It's all true. We are still friends, as close as before. She is still single (as am I), still devoted to her pursuit of science above almost everything else. I wish, often, that she would meet some nice guy, her equal if such a man exists, and be happy with him. She deserves it.
I have another reason for this wish. It is a selfish one. You see, hope can no longer "spring eternal". I am sick of this hopeless hope, this torment. It must end, and I don't know if I can finish it myself.
Wow, this writeup seems so nauseatingly
navel-gazing now. It's been a year and a half since I wrote it, and I've since come to suspect that I subconciously but deliberately become attracted to
inappropriate women, possibly to ensure that I don't have to follow through with a
relationship. Or something. Anyway, take this with a grain of salt, it's really just proof that we all have a sad,
insecure 16 year old inside of us...