April 7, 2001 (idea)

My thoughts are flying backwards, as always, so that's how I'll relate what's going on in my head to you.

On your way out to Virginia yesterday evening I asked if you were gonna stay out there or if you would have time to talk later. You said you weren't crashing, and that indeed we'd talk later. Sure it was too late to call the island, but you could have at least left me a voicemail at home...and how the hell could you not have net access if you were hanging out with geeks? A 30 second email or /msg or *whatever* is all it would have taken to reduce the severity of your crime.

This was such a big deal to me because of how Wednesday night/Thursday played out. I hadn't spoken to you the previous night except for a voicemail from you saying that things went shitty. Ring, Ring..you're hugging the bowl, passed out..fine...I knew in the back of my mind you ended up trashed. Got the rundown on Thursday morning. We both go nap...well..you go nap, I go get my ass beaten at 500 Rummy by Nanny...pass out about noon. Wake up about 1900 hours. A /whois reveals you were on at about 1600 hours. Since we had barely spoken in the morning, again...where's that /msg or email just keeping in touch, saying you're going out. What the fuck happened to our communication? I don't need to know when you wipe your ass, but I go out of my way to let you know what's up with me, how to reach me ('specially since I don't have a cell)...it was frustrating getting cut off twice when I called you on the road...so we get to talk for all of 10-15 minutes with mucho interruptions...am i the only one feeling empty here? Am I the only one feeling that something is missing? Am I the only one that's going to make an effort now?

I mean, sure...you know you're in good with me. You don't have to impress me. I mean, fuck...I realized not too long ago that I'm indeed falling for you..that you've fucking invaded that part of my heart and brain and body and soul...and things are going back to...well..actually, they never were like this. We started off great, which is why I got to this point of trusting you to begin with.

We're not local. We're not together often. I feel like you're taking me for granted, or you're not putting in effort...or something. Am I expecting too much? Am I putting in too much with the little check-ins that I do? It used to be that you were just as nuts about keeping tabs on each other as I still am, and everyone else thought we were overdoing it. It's just...we're not local, dammit. We can't take the little stuff for granted. As much as we're a part of each other, we're not entirely a part of each others lives, ya know? And we have to make up for that in some way...the little things. It's the little things. like announcing me as your fucking girlfriend, for starters. Why is that so hard for you? I know you've had that specific issue since Courtnee, probably before then. What's the deal with that?

So I ask again...am I overdoing it? Am I starting to smother? I know I'm not entirely removed as a stress factor since well, your stress with your wife would only be 75% as much as it is now if I wasn't around.. (not a significant reduction, but it would be simpler). I don't want to put my energy into a black hole. I hold you to a higher standard than your ex's have, it seems. But that's only because you showed me you were capable of the kind of relationship I'm ready for in the beginning.

I know you're stressed, I know..I know...and as always, I understand. But please don't run away from me, please don't let me slip from your mind...please don't take me for granted. Kate doesn't think you do take me for granted, but that's not what you're showing me. And if there's too much on your plate right now, well...this is what you asked for, dearest. This is poly. Things have been pretty smooth for our beginning, even with the lessons we've learned the hard way thus far. We had foresight there, primarily because of mistakes I myself have made in the past...but that's okay. We got through it, and came out stronger.

Here it was Friday, 1700 EST...I checked my home voicemail one more time before I headed back to the city. I resisted the urge to call you all day. Fucking drove myself nuts. I'm too fscking nice. it's impossible for me to play hardass. But ya know, we haven't spent time together in a while. We haven't had quiet intimate moments in a while. The past few times we got together we've been on the go, physically and emotionally. And we haven't had a chance to calm the hell down and regroup entirely. My energy is nearly sapped. I just really wanted to see you this weekend, I was ready to come down there and face the music if need be. But ya know, I got really hurt standing by, waiting for you to reach out to me..and you were running off elsewhere, having a grand ole time. Fine, you don't want to drag me in more than you need to..but it affects me...I've been fucking worrying about you...I didn't flip out and call you 10000 times after my last "*sigh* *grumble*" text message to your celly because as Obi taught me once already, I knew you were an adult and could handle whatever you had to, and to give you the space to take care of it. But being in a relationship means letting somebody else in. Perhaps it's my own stupid fucking fault for sitting, waiting for your call again. But that's why I asked you up front if you were gonna have time.

You used to make that time.

I know your cell is a pain...and long conversations aren't what they could be on a landline. But, well, I dunno. *pout*

You used to make time. You used to reach out.

It's only been 2.5 months, Frank.

You can't stop working so early on. We're still growing, we're still volatile...our foundation isn't entirely solid yet. And there's a lot going on and I can't be there for you as much as if we were in the same damn city. I know you have your life down there, that's why I've let your leash out longer. But dammit, kitty cat. You've gotta come home for dinner.

I'm your fucking girlfriend, last time i checked. Distance or not. You used to make time.

I've been more productive as of late, which is grand of course. But you're always on my mind which is why I drop the little emails, the voicemails, and all that. Am I forgotten? Last time I checked, falling in love means you exhale that person's name, you smile at random moments when scenes flash in your head. You hallucinate their image. You feel them, smell them when they're not there. The memory of their taste is on your tongue. And life goes on, but you've got extra fuel. And when you get the chance you tell them of how they make you feel because you're boiling over with love and happiness and feel compelled to show them the effect they're having on you because you know it will make them happy. And it comes full circle. So I'm confused, now. You admitted you were falling long before I did.

Go ahead and play catch-up with her. Things started off okay with us. Don't build up debt. I won't tolerate it. Again, i have higher expectations. This is another lesson I learned the hard way with my ex.

Yesterday I had a crazy thought flash through my head. For the first time, I actually thought about breaking it off so you could deal with your shit, and see if you came back. It would at least give you the space to deal with relationship stuff since I wouldn't be a player in the picture. But, you're lucky I'm not entirely impulsive when it comes to major decisions. Having those thoughts scared me...and you can thank Kate for not letting me think too much about it, for not letting me dwell on how soothing the thought was. Funny, though..not a day earlier Miss Cleo asked me if I was sure I wanted to be a part of all this and I insisted that I did.

Have I made a mistake?

</RANT>

I love you, kitty.
Thanks, kat.