A person may be detained under a Recommendation for Assessment if:
· Their behaviour indicates that they are at immediate risk of serious harm;
· The person appears to have a mental illness;
· The person appears to lack capacity;
· The person appears to require urgent examination, treatment or care;
· And there is no less restrictive way to deliver care.
The door went bang bang bang bang and if I was seeing the signs I would of known right then that things were about to change in a big way. When I unlocked the door there was these two coppers standing there all squinty-eyed with sunnies on and hands on their hips like they were teachers at school and I was the bad kid whod gone and done it again. They started up with the questions and straight away I could tell something was up with these two. They had that look in their faces like they didnt want to be there and in their heads they already knew what they were going to do but they still had to pretend they actually cared about what answers I said when they asked me their questions. I pretty much knew straight away they were agents and the transistor confirmed it. But what could I do. I knew I couldnt take them both and there was no way Id keep them out now so I had to just get myself away. In the end I guess that wasnt the smart move. I made a go out the back door and I almost got over Jackos fence but they grabbed my legs and pulled me down into the dirt and I couldnt even swing at them because they were holding my arms too tight and pretty soon they had me in the cuffs and just lying there feeling like a turd in the sun. They put some trakkies on me and wrapped me up in a blanket and away we went. I saw Jackos missus staring at me from the front door when they put me in the van and I yelled so she would come help me but I guess she couldnt hear me or maybe she was an agent all along too and I was too dumb to see the signs. So if you really must know that was the last time I seen my home and the last time I really felt safe and composed in this world.
Up until that point I had managed to keep out of the hospital for 8 years but even when I was in the van there I knew that was where they would take me. Thats where they always take you. That or the watch house. You can usually tell which one. When theyre angry and sweaty and they start saying how youve made a big mistake then its pretty much definitely the watch house and you know youll at least get some rest. But when they talk at you all reassuring and say how things are gonna be alright then you know its the hospital. You see how you got to see these kind of signs or youre blind in this world.
And up at the e d it was the usual old rigged marole. I walked in going chink chink chink in my handcuffs and the ladies at the front desk gave me a big sigh like here was their least favourite customer come back again. And I know youll be thinking I sound like just that kind of troublemaker but youd be dead wrong. For my whole life Ive kept out of peoples way and I only ever went up there when I absolutely had to. Like when I got gamma ray burns on my leg or the particles were irritating my eyes and all I needed was one little thing and after I got it I would say thank you very much and then head on home. I mean I practically lived next door so I could of gone there every night if Id wanted to. But Id get by on my own almost every time. Sometimes Id go five days feeling too crook to eat and Id be shivering and spewing and the transistor would be telling me go get some help or your done for you idiot but Id look out the window at that great big monster of a place towering over me and Id think about all the people in there who are heaps sicker than me and I knew I couldnt go waste everyones precious time so Id stay home and just ride it out until I was good again. But I guess those ladies didnt know about that because they only ever saw me when they saw me instead of all those times they didnt see me. They werent agents they just had the wrong idea. Its funny how people can get the wrong idea because they dont see all the signs. Dont forget that.
But what I was saying was how it all went when the coppers took me in there. And I probably dont need to explain it all to you because who really cares anyway. It was just the usual old story where they stick you in those empty rooms with the soft plastic furniture and they stick a security guard outside the door and then you wait. You wait like three hours before the first doctor comes in and hell do your blood pressure and prick your finger and ask you how youre feeling and have you taken any drugs and are you sure and hell listen to your heart and then hell say how hes happy with you but in the end its not up to him whether you stay or go. Hell say how its the sychiatrists who decide that and theyll come along when theyre ready. This one was pretty slick but he was actually alright and I could tell that from his eyes when he first walked in. He brought me a coffee and a sandwich and I checked it and there were no particles in it. He shook my hand and he said just hang in there and I wondered whether he was wise to the agents too but when I asked him he wouldnt say. I think that was the smart move. He really was slick. On the other hand the security guard wasnt so smart. Id seen him before here and there. A really thick bastard. Thick arms and a thick old head. Little squinty eyes like hes trying to convince you hes wise to you but in the end he just does what everyone tells him. Sometimes hell throw in a little comment of his own and everyones ignores it including me.
So I kept waiting because what else could I do. I tried giving old mate thicko the slip but he had his little eyes on me the whole time and when I spun him a tale to soften him up he just stood there all silent and kept the doorway blocked with his stupid meaty arms crossed. I even explained how the agents were clearly stitching me up but he didnt believe a word. I guess he was under orders to keep me penned in. Come on what did you expect the transistor said and I was inclined to conseed that point. After a while this hippy looking lady with braces came to ask me lots of questions about what happened but it was obvious shed already heard the story from the coppers and who knows what else. She didnt really want to know my side. She asked me about my old medications and why I stopped taking them and the clinic and why I stopped coming but she didnt really want to hear that either. She wrote lots of stuff down and then she left. Then an hour later she came back with this fat old darkie who said he was the sychiatrist. I thought here we go. He asked all the same questions again but he also asked about my childhood and when I told him it was all in the files he said he wasnt interested in that and hed rather know the how instead of the what. I laughed and I told him I could see the signs because I wasnt dumb and he was an agent plain and simple so why should we even talk about anything. He gave me this confused look and asked me about the agents and I said come off it mate. But he was a persistent bugger.
In the end I figured Id just keep talking until he got sick of me and let me go home but then he said something about heading up to the ward and I was like hold on a second there doctor. Whats this about the ward now. He said he had to detain me for my own safety. I shit you not those were his exact words. Detain me for my own safety.
So we entered into a verbal tate a tate but he had the high ground from the very start because of the whole system and everything. I mean just like a school its all set up and youre the little guy in the middle. I mean he was like the face of the giant machine and I was the turd about to get stepped on. At least thats the way I would of looked to him I bet. So he says to me that he had a duty of care towards those who are putting themselves at risk of harm. I ask him what harm he thinks Im at risk of. He says well just look at what happened today with the police and clearly things arent going well at home. I said what is it about my home thats the problem here. And he starts talking about chemicals and going on about evidence of fires and dangerous electrical rewiring in the ceiling and he keeps using this phrase potential for great harm to a vulnerable person. Then the transistor whispered at me saying dont you get it and I finally twigged to what he was on about and Ill be honest I started shouting and I shouted youre talking about my project arent you. But he kept talking saying yes and what about running from the police and all that but I wouldnt let him redirect me and I just demanded to know what theyd done with my project because thats years and years of my life right there. But he obviously had his mind made up and pretty soon thicko and his mates had me pinned down and the slick young doc comes in and gives me the good old jab in the leg and off I go to sleep pretty quick smart and that was that. Thats what I mean about them having the high ground. You know.
Later on I wake up and Im sticky like Ive been sweating in my sleep and it feels like midday but Im not really sure how because its dark. It takes me a long time to open my eyes because I just feel like a real sack of shit pardon me and I didnt want to wake up and have to keep on being a sack of whatever Id much rather be nothing at all but in the end I had no choice. There was another bed across the room and this little bloke was sitting on it staring at me and I didnt move I just layed there very still and stared back at him for a while. He had this bald little head and he was wearing dirty old clothing and he looked like a real sad bastard. Just stared at me with a blank face and eventually when I asked him whats his name he just said no and kept on staring and only blinked once the whole time. I was real thirsty so I went out to get some water and find my stuff and try to go home and get back to my work. You can probably tell I was feeling probably too overly optimistic about my situation at that point but it would all become clear pretty soon.
So I went out the door and I realised where I was and the transistor said holy hell youre buggered now you stupid bastard. The whole place was just like I remembered it from years ago. Long corridors with lots of bedrooms with a real wide door on each one and the doors had a window so you could see into the room and they didnt have any locks on them except for the doors that would let you out of the whole place. Or not let you out if you know what I mean. It was weird being back there and how it was all just the same as before. People wandering around watching TV doing jigsaw puzzles and mostly just looking bored as buggery. That place always reminded me of my old primary school and it had the same smell where you could tell at some point some kid had done a piss in every room and someone had come cleaned it up and the smell of the piss and the cleaning chemicals were all mixed in together forever and it kinda faded but never really went away and nobody would just open up the windows for some reason. But I still needed a drink so I found this sweaty lad in a shirt looked like a nurse I asked him for a cup of water and he was pretty helpful because he got me a whole bottle straight away and I thanked him kindly. Then he spoke to his boss I guess and she told him the doctors wanted to see me and he told me to come right this way so we could have a chat. I was suspicious of course but the place was overwhelming me and I was in an emotionally vulnerable state that meant I would pretty much go along with anything. The transistor didnt even warn me but I probably wasnt ready to listen anyway.
So he takes me over to another one of their little rooms like in the e d only this one has nicer furniture and theres a window even though it still has bars on the outside. I walked past big thicko standing by the window and he tried to intimidate me but I just kept walking like I hadnt seen him. The sweaty lad ushers me inside and theres the fat old darkie sitting there all smiles in his suit as usual. I was tired as anything but I still remembered last time I saw him so I made sure to say how do you do and to shake his hand and he kinda chuckled to his friends but I ignored him. His friends were sat around the room same as him and they consisted of that same hippy lady from before and also a nice looking girl with dark hair and dark freckles all over and a big pregnant belly. She actually smiled at me like she wasnt having me on and I felt kinda favourable towards her and I got the feeling like she might be someone who would actually help me in this world. Turns out she was another doctor but she was in training and actually wanted to know about me unlike these others.
I knew this time I had to make the smart move and couldnt just flip out again like last time. So I sat there all calm while darkie recapped everything so far like I was a dumb kid and he said he wanted to pick things up where we left off but to talk rationally this time without any emotional outbursts and I said yes that seems quite favourable to me. So he asked me about my project and I said its not ready to be discussed yet and he said o k how about your living situation and I said it might not suit you but its perfectly comfortable for me and he said o k how do you feel about being in here then. I said I didnt deserve this kind of treatment and he said but of course everyone deserves help and I said thats not what I mean and I started explaining to him how he was taking away my safety and composure. I explained how I dont think hes a bad guy and all but hes suffering from a lot of illusions that I could help him to see through. And Ill admit I started rambling again and I told him about the signs Ive been seeing in the flow of the traffic and how Ive read them and how theyve forecast the last 4 years of my life and I expect theyll continue to do so and how you could tell who was an agent and who wasnt and how all this had led to my project and pretty soon when its done I was going to send the results to all the newspapers and make the whole horrible deal known all around this world. And as Im talking the transistor keeps saying shut up shut up youre ruining it and little pregnant doc is quickly writing everything down and darkie just sits back all cool and relaxed and superior. And eventually he interrupts me and he says but there are no agents and its a delusion Im having and its putting me in a dangerous position. He said Im unwell and theyll help me to recover. Id heard this before obviously. I sighed and I said to him what makes him so sure there arent any agents and he said well how can you be so sure there are. And I must admit I got a bit frustrated at this point and I said well if you wont believe me and youre too blind to see something thats plain to see then thats no business of mine so why is my life any business of yours. Youre the one locking me up in this world and youve got no proof to say that Im wrong so whose right here. And everybody in the room is staring at me all worried and so sure of themselves and pretty quick they all decide were done talking for today and they file out to leave me sitting there.
So later that day of course as always they started up with the pills again. It might surprise you to know Ive taken a lot of different pills in my life and all theyve ever given me is grief. All kinds of different people have pushed their pills onto me and at the time I was too blind to see what I was getting myself in for. And theres all kinds of different pills too but the worst ones come from doctors. I mean Id rather not tell you this but a couple years ago I didnt shit for 6 months because of those doctors bloody pills and when I finally did a shit I basically tore my insides up and a beautiful young lady doctor had to stick her beautiful young lady finger up my date to fix it. Its an incredible story that Im not pleased to tell you about but thats what pills will do to you in this world. So I told this one thank you very much youre a very kind lad even if youre a bit sweaty but no thank you very much. He said if I didnt take them hed have to get the doctor to come over. In reading the signs I figured he would probably mean the pregnant doc so I said very well I would enjoy speaking with your doctor shes actually a good friend of mine anyway. As it turned out I was correct because only a second later did I see her walking over all heavy and she smiled and sat down at the table with me and asked me what concerns I had about my pills. I told her that I dont normally take pills and when I do they have a tendency to disagree with me. She said I understand what you mean and I thought she was being honest the way she said it. But she went on and said how the pills were mostly to help my stay calm and that once we found the right amount to keep my emotions well balanced then I could get out of here and go back to my home and wouldnt that be a good thing in the end. And once again I made a mistake because I thought she was trying to be a friend and her only real problem was that she was just blind to the signs and when there was a good time I would explain things. That turned out to be wrong but I didnt know then what I know now about her. So I guess I just smiled and said OK and took the pills because I knew that would make her happy and who doesnt like seeing people being happy in this world.
It may not surprise you however to know that Ive learned a trick or two in my time and one of those tricks is how to not take peoples pills when you dont want to. Its a trick of great skill and it requires you put the pill right up under your top lip without a person seeing you do it and then they can look inside and you can wiggle your tongue around and drink a whole cup of water and it looks for all this world like you must of swallowed that pill but a minute later you can just spit it into a pot plant or some other place of your convenience and the whole time you can remain very safe and composed within yourself. I pulled this trick on pregnant doc and she smiled and said thanks for doing that and went away and in the back of my head I felt a little bad for deceiving her but I certainly dont feel bad about that any more now.
And as the days started to go past me and even though I kept looking every chance I got there was no way to get out of there without starting another bust up and potentially getting someone hurt which is always the last thing I would want. The doors was all locked with electrical cards and the windows wouldnt open and in the yard you could look out over the traffic and the city but you couldnt climb the fence as it was all tight metal mesh and curved backwards at the top like you would of seen in prisons and zoos. And the little bald bloke in my room was so bloody glum he didnt provide me any kind of company he just sat there and said no to me so I didnt want to spend any time in there except when I really had to. So I got real dispondent and spent a lot of time walking around the corridors checking out the wildlife and sometimes playing drafts or doing a jigsaw puzzle while the sweaty lad pretended like he wasnt watching me. With all his perspirations he was like the drippy old perv in the back of the pub just sizing you up for when you go into the dunny but in the end he never brought me any harm so I guess he was alright and I was wrong to be so judgmental even though he was real bloody sweaty all the time. But anyway on the whole it was the same old routine I remembered from years gone by and although I couldnt stop thinking about what might have befallen my project and my home in my absence there werent much I could do about that for the moment. The transistor kept at me about finding a way out but try as I might I was out of luck.
Life was real boring but even the boredom was better than all the talks we had to have. They would come around every second or third day and ask you to step into the room with the nice furniture and you just knew youd never get the next hour or two of your life back no matter what. And every time I seen him the darkie wanted to debate me about my discoveries and hed find the whole thing real fascinating but only in the way your teacher will find your drawing fascinating because its so ridiculous in their mind that they cant help smiling. Next meeting he wants to keep talking about the agents that hes clearly too blind to see and he says to me maybe there are agents and maybe theres not. I said sure you can believe whatever you want to mate thats no business of mine. I said I presented my evidence last time and he oughta remember that if he was listening. But he ignores me and keeps talking and he says that although we may disagree it isnt the content of what I think but its the way I think that concerns him most. You see how tricky these buggers are when they get trapped in a logical corner. I said well just how do I think then. And he says that my thoughts are what he calls disordered. Theres ideas that dont connect and point a doesnt lead to point b and on to point c but instead its like point a to point x to point d. I had to laugh at him because he was just so confused and to see him sitting there in his tie all sinched up I said maybe theres no blood pumping in your brain because Ive heard that one before and I know a fallacy when I see one. I said to him you think Im all out of order but thats exactly what a caterpillar would say to a butterfly when it goes off into the sky just because a caterpillar is stuck on a leaf. He looked at me funny and I said you see this is exactly what I mean right now and if you cant understand me then maybe I cant understand you either so why do you have to take a simple disagreement and blow it all out of proportion like this. And he tells me thats very astute reasoning but the fact remains that I seem to be the only one who believes in agents and particles and the world is based upon consensus. And I tried to explain how the people will understand when I let the facts be known but once again he werent interested. Pregnant doc was looking nice today I think shed had a haircut but she was busy writing everything down so I didnt get a chance to say anything she just took it all in and wrote it all down and didnt say a word of judgement and I sort of loved her because of that.
Normally I keep my head and my face and everything else shaved real clean so as to avoid any particulate accumulation on me but in there they didnt have no razors for obvious reasons so I started getting all hairy and that didnt do my emotional state much good. After about 5 days I was getting real itchy and that just about drove me mental for a while but just like everything in this world it passed eventually and I started to look like a gorilla or a bear or something and I wondered whether that was part of their plan. Most nights I would just lie in bed and out the window I could see a little bit of traffic outside the window. My transistor would read out the licence plate numbers and the destinations of the people and I thats the only way I stayed in touch with the real world. I tried to find the signs to tell me how long I would be here but with such a limited view I couldnt be sure of that just yet. But still I tried. And if I stayed awake at night reading the signs then I could usually sleep through more of the day and not have to associate with the sad place I was stuck in and that was for the best I think. But even if I was asleep when they wanted to talk to me they would get their nurses to come wake me up and even take me to the nice room in wheelchair if they felt the need so we could have another one of their chats.
By this point I think you can understand how I was getting frustrated with the whole thing and Id had enough of talking about my family and my safety net and what to do when I get harmful thoughts that Id never had in the first place and I decided to be pro active and start asking them the questions. So next time he wants to talk I ask old darkie when will he be letting me go home. He says that all depends on me. And I say yeah well if thats the case Ill be going now thank you very much. And he laughs and says but where will you stay and how will you access help and I say Ill stay at my place and Ill get my neighbour to drive me to the shops or wherever if its too hot to walk. I figured that would be a nice display of pre emptive problem solving and insight for them since they love that kind of thing so much. And he says thats not the kind of help I mean. And I say hmmm well what is then. He says would you be willing to come to our clinic every day for checkups and monitoring and I say no thanks Ill be just fine. And he says well then this is why we must remain here because there is no less restrictive way to deliver your care if you wont come to the clinic. And I say youre the one who says I need to come to the clinic in the first place mate and he says indeed the fact that you cant understand why you need to is another symptom of your illness and its the illness which mandates that you come to the clinic. And once again all of a sudden his words were going in circles and it makes me despair that some minds simply arent ameenable to logic. I looked over at pregnant doc like can you believe this and she is looking at me all concerned and in that moment I felt very confused and lost and alone more so than any other point up until that point and I couldnt really tell you why.
He says that Ive lost the ability to test reality. That was his words no joke. I said please explain that to me. He says everyone has to check that what they think in their minds is in concordance with the world around them and when we lose that ability we are in a vulnerable state and must receive help. So I tell him havent you been listening to me at all all this time I mean Im constantly reading the signs and checking my theories and theyre always true but you dont even look at the signs that are right outside your own window so what the hell are you talking about. And he says I understand why youre upset I really do. And by this point Im yelling at him you dont understand you dont because you keep getting it all backwards. Then pregnant doc says in a kind way hey theres no need for anger we can keep talking so please sit down and I stayed standing up for a little bit just to show them I dont take orders from people but eventually I sat down because I guess she was right. Darkie said thank you for that and I just ignored him because I wouldnt give him the satisfaction. So after a little while I say real calm you and I dont agree about a lot of things but thats natural so what does it take for me to live my own life again. He sits back and considers this question and eventually he says to me that its a matter of risk. I say what do you mean exactly. And he says that at this point I still pose a risk to myself and others if I go home unsupervised what with the way my home was found to be in dangerous disarray and I clearly did not listen to the advice of others. Those are his words not mine. So I say that yes my project does involve some risk but that is a risk I am willing to take. And with his smug smile he says yes maybe you are willing but I am not willing to take that risk. I say who asked you I mean when you drive your big fast car to work youre taking a big risk right there but its not up to me or anyone else except you. But ah that is not the same because I have the capacity to make that judgement myself but I fear that you do not he says. I say no get lost I can make my own decisions just like anyone else. Then pregnant doc chimes in for the first time and she says what we are trying to say is that all of these things like having ordered thoughts and reality testing are the things that help us make those decisions and right now it seems like you arent functioning fully on those fronts but with time and the right medications we can help you get those functions back so dont lose hope. But I was definitely losing the hope I used to have for a rational world where people could one day see the signs and just now I felt a little twinge when my hope for being like minded with pregnant doc was disappearing. The transistor called her a word that I wont even repeat to you now.
Darkie left the room and in the doorway he said I would have thought the medications would have some effect by now but everyone is different and youre walking proof of that you and he chuckled a little bit. He told pregnant doc to make it twice a day now and he swiped his card and walked out the door and I saw big old thicko standing on the other side for just a second. Then I realised that pregnant doc was touching my arm and saying dont be so upset its not helpful and I looked into her eyes and I dont know why but her eyes always made me want to be an honest man and I felt bad about tricking her every day when she gave me my pill so I actually cried a little bit and said you should know Ive been lying to you. She was confused and she said what do you mean. I said I havent been taking those pills and you should know the truth because youve been a good friend to me. She said oh dear oh dear well thats ok. Then she left and I went back to the common room and a couple of people were watching someone cooking on TV and I was feeling like a bad person so I sat there and didnt think about anything for as long as I could. Now the transistor called me the same word it had called pregnant doc and I was inclined to agree.
I had no idea people would stoop so low but that was the night they started putting their pills in my arse. Yep you heard me right. I was kicking and yelling under those white lights but thicko and his thick mates held me down in the treatment room and they put this big needle into my cheek and I could feel the cold white pill being pushed up there into my arse muscle and when they pulled out the needle it stayed there like a worm in my apple or like a parasite ready to hatch and eat out my insides. When they slowly let go of me I saw the sweaty lad pulling the needle apart and throwing it away and I couldnt believe hed done this to me after Id been so good to him and I tried to get up and sock him on his sweaty forehead but big thicko grabbed me again and I took a swing at him and I got him on the shoulder and he said cmere you little shit and grabbed me in a headlock and took me to the place that would become my cell of total imprisonment for the next phase of my life. He took me there and as we passed through the common room all the other poor people like me stood around and gaped in amazement and I didnt know what to say to them either but I felt very deeply that this was one sign they couldnt ignore or forget. And he tossed me in there and when the big heavy door closed on me I saw thickos face behind the little glass window and I punched it and yelled and spat and cried and I smashed my face on the wall and finally I collapsed in a big pile of sadness. And I didnt know how I could have failed to see all of this coming because it was the second worst thing to ever happen to me and after the first one I had vowed to never be blind to the signs ever ever again and yet here I was. I thought about how little things could set bigger and bigger things in motion and if I had made different choices at the start of the chain then things would be so very different and punching thicko in the arm was like a metaphor for my whole life at this point. And to be clear yes I am ashamed that I had to resort to violence but when a man is pushed so far then what is he to do but to resort to the most basic instincts in this world. I thought that maybe there was a hidden something pushing on darkie and thicko and yes maybe even pregnant doc too because abusing another human being is not a basic instinct and it wouldnt just turn out this way for no reason. I thought about how all this fitted in with the agents and their horrible deal but Ill be honest it just didnt fit in at all. And despite everything that was going on while I was sitting in the corner crying and mouth bleeding I felt a kind of connection with all of the human race that was always being pushed to the extremes of what a person can tolerate. Let alone imagine.
The next morning darkie comes in to wake me up only this time hes standing well back and thicko is in front of him and he says how unfortunate it is that things have degenerated to such a sad state of affairs. I didnt want to look at him and the little bit of light through the window was too bright for my eyes that were all red and itchy and once again he starts up about capacity and making decisions properly. I want to go to sleep but I can barely stay awake and his voice is like a hammer on my head. But still I want to believe in the rational world so I say to him mate how can I make any decisions at all when you keep me locked up in here like this. And he says ah but when you regain your capacity you will be released and you can enjoy your freedoms again. And I said I was enjoying my freedoms and making better decisions than any of yous before I made the fatal mistake of coming up to your e d. He says dont you remember you were brought here you didnt come here freely and I said oh yes thats right thanks for the reminder doc. He didnt stay for very long that day. He just said now that we know the medications are being delivered appropriately there should be a pleasing response in no time at all and the way he said that word pleasing made my skin crawl if you know what I mean.
In there I had no way to pass the time not even cooking on TV. The transistor had lots of ideas for what I should do but none of them were feasible and it didnt converse it just commanded me which was no help for my emotions at that point. They had a concrete courtyard we could use one at a time but it was just a bigger cage than the one I already had and the feeling of the breeze and sunshine on my face just made me even sadder because it made me think of how I didnt appreciate those things when I still had total access to them. Plus I could see just over the rooftops and imagine my dismay when I looked where my weather station and amplifying aerial used to be but now all I saw was blue sky and I could only imagine what the coppers and the agents and the landlord were doing with all of my precious work and when I protested to the nurse she said I was getting agitated once again and thicko put his meaty hands on me and they took me back to the room and didnt listen to a word I had to say about it. I was stuck sitting in that room and I looked at the blood smear on the wall that Id made when I smacked my face there and Id try to find some kind of tiny sign that might tell me whether things would ever get back to normal again but alas I remembered how many different types of signs I had explored and blood stains were definitely not accurate the way the traffic was. Youd have to be crazy to go around hoping to learn something from brown old blood stains on dirty old walls. But at the same time I started to get doubts creeping into my mind about whether there was any such thing as a sign at all anywhere. It had been so long since I had seen once and my life had gotten so unreadable that I wondered whether I had been wrong all along.
One of my teeth that was wobbly after I collided with that wall and after a few days Id pushed it back and forth so much with my tongue that it was hanging on by a thread and it took a lot of guts but I decided to just pull it out and be done with it. I looked at it and it was all jagged and black on one side which didnt look new but instead it appeared as if it had been that way for years. I always thought my teeth were fine and pearly and pretty but was this some incontrovertible evidence to the contrary I started to realise within myself with a cold sinking feeling of fear in my belly. For ages I sat there and stared at it and read the little white mountains and dark black valleys and tried to clean off the remaining bits of tendon and cartilage that hung onto the bottom end like a forest of pinkened kelp in the sea and it was like a tiny world all in itself. I tried to figure out a way that this might not actually be my tooth but the facts were speaking for themselves. All these years that I had diligently rinsed my mouth out with rum and coke like mum had taught me and this was the result if my eyes were to be believed and if I couldnt believe my eyes then what in the hell could I believe. I was trembling as I started to run my tongue along all the edges of my remaining teeth and what did I find. To my horror it was the same for all of them all jagged and pocky and furry with some kind of nasty accretion that I had never even noticed because I suppose I was so focused on the agents and their signs that I didnt read my own personal signs somehow. I started to cry as I put this whole thing together in my mind and I realised that if I had been wrong about my own mouth then I could be wrong about absolutely anything and I was truly cut off from knowledge in this world. I was in an impalpable greyness with nothing under my feet and nothing around without spectators without glory without any desire left for victory because I was already defeated in a sickly air of total scepticism without any belief in my own right and even less in anyone else. Thats the best way I could describe it to you.
After a day or two of thinking and crying I finally got up and I took that broken little tooth and went to the door and made a message to anyone who was watching out there. The little window was made of a plastic sheet instead of glass I guess so that I couldnt smash it and break out and cut someones throat in the process using a shard of glass that Id wrapped in cloth to protect my hand. Sorry if Im shocking you but these are the kind of things you think about when youre stuck in one room being watched over and denied your freedoms though I didnt think about it much at the time because I couldnt really think of anything at all apart from what Ive already mentioned to you. But I took the tooth and I took great care to scratch in a statement that I wanted them to see and it just said there is nothing here. By which I meant there is nothing I could tell them to change their mind and there was nothing they could tell me that I could believe any more because I had seen through the world and all its signs and realised that every word is a sign and no sign can be trusted because even I who had spent twenty years of my life studying and interpreting the signs hadnt even known my own mouth so what hope does anyone have. And I felt more lonely than I ever had even counting that year I was in the shed after mum went off. So I got scared that they might take offence and stop coming to see me even though I hated their roundabout conversations I didnt want them to stop so in that little space underneath I started writing pregnant doc I love you and I want you to come talk to me but when I was just about to start on the word talk this big thick meaty hand slapped the other side of the window and I was taken off guard and startled almost to death and I shot back into the room like Id been hit by a train. When I looked up again I saw thickos ugly face in the window once again and he wiggled his thick finger in the air like no no no and I could see him conferring with some of his thick friends as he walked away. It seemed like nothing I did could help me.
It was at that same time that I could feel the pill in my arse taking hold of me and pushing me down into somewhere I hadnt been in a long time. Those pills will have a whole world of effects on you. I could sleep all night and Id still wake up exhausted like Id spent a week wrestling with bears or wild dogs. The inside of my head felt all foggy like a winter night when everyone stays inside and the streets are empty dead places and you cant see them through the thick fog but the only sound anywhere is the pedestrian buttons clopping one after another in and out of sink and nothing ever happens. And I didnt shit for two whole weeks I kid you not I mean didnt I say that would happen. Everything slowed down and got real quiet. My transistor went silent because I hadnt been able to charge the batteries for who knows how long now. In some ways things were better because I didnt scream and sob any more but instead Id just lie on the tiny bed in the corner and cover up my face and squeeze out a few tears into my fists but most of the time I didnt even know why I was crying it was just a feeling because all of my intellect had been sapped away and I had some sense that I was missing a big part of myself that might never come back and oh boy if I thought I was lonely before then let me just tell you that when you dont even have your own mind to keep you company then theres nobody more lonely in this world or anywhere in the whole cold universe of empty space.
And when I was lying there in the corner all curled up with my hair over my eyes all I could think about was how maybe I had been wrong my whole life but at the same time there was no way to know and I would probably never know. And in the future what could I see. Just living day to day and eating and getting fat and my plans of exposing the agents and their whole horrible deal were fading away into nothing and my family was gone and beautiful intelligent people would always look at me like I was now and not as the revealer of the truth and they wouldnt want anything to do with me. And that didnt matter anyway because one thing I noticed was my dick didnt work any more probably because of the pill theyd put in my arse but I didnt have the courage to try digging it out of there anyway. I thought about the old days when I alone with my brain could work things out and what a wonderful feeling that was. But now I knew the signs would still be out there but my brain felt like a mushy pile of potatoes and I wouldnt be able to read the signs even when they were right in front of me. It was like my whole self was leaving me or being taken away or being squashed down into nothing or something like that. It was all just a feeling that I had while I was lying there and Ive spend a lot of time thinking about it lately so its much easier to put into words now but back then it was just this feeling sitting on my chest all the time that I couldnt explain to anyone even if they wanted to know it. I laid there and thought about all this stuff and I stared at the concrete ceiling and hardly blinked and didnt cry and nothing came out of me. I guess I had cried so much already that I was finished. If I cried another tear I would have turned into a pile of dust.
And I guess in the end darkie thought I was a much more pleasant fellow now that I could barely think or stay awake because he started coming to see me again. For a few days I still tried to stay true to my old self because constance is a virtue and if theres one thing I know about these docs its that they love to see virtues in others that they dont have themselves. So in order to be virtuous I would still talk about the signs and the agents but my heart wasnt in it any more and my words sounded hollow even to me. I asked if I could talk to pregnant doc instead because she might actually have some sympathy for the rotten state of affairs that had befallen me but darkie just closed his eyes and said Im sorry but after what you wrote on the window she doesnt feel comfortable treating you any more I hope you can understand. I could feel a very faint bit of sadness and I said why would she be uncomfortable and he said well perhaps later when you read what youve written it will make some sense. I said nothing makes sense any more and he nodded real slowly like he understood me perfectly and he said could you elaborate on that please. The way he looked at me I wanted to jump up and choke him but I dont think I could have done it even if I had a whole week I was so weakened. I just leaned back on my bed and banged my head into the bricks and another tear wriggled out of my eye and I smeared it onto my cheek and I said nothing can be known. Not even the agents. I think maybe I was wrong. But I cant be sure. And he looked at me silently for a long time as if he was reading my signs over and over and then he smiled in that way he does and he put his hands together and said hmm I think you are going to be alright you know. Well done he says. And he gets up and thicko picks up the chair he was sitting on and they both go through the door but then Darkie turns back around and Ive got myself curled up and Ive got my shirt sleeve in my mouth because somehow it reminds me of home and Im already just waiting until tomorrow comes but he says I really am glad to see that we are finally making some progress. And somehow the transistor says yes we all are very glad and safe and composed arent we. Then the door closes with a bang and that was that.