November 2, 2001

Do not, do not, do not agree to have this woman be my roommate. Too beautiful.
Men's defense against beauty:

• John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, in the bathroom trying to talk himself out of sleeping with the gangster's moll: you will not sleep with her, you are going to go home and whack off.
• My Uncle X, drunk and divorced and devastated, collaring me and telling me: Smokey, before you ever get married, just masturbate a hell of a lot
• Ulysseus, tying himself to the mast of the ship so that he will not leap into the embrace of the Sirens.

So worried lately about this issue of beauty, and non-beauty. How will the plain survive?

So yesterday, I decided not to do a day log because I thought I was no longer noding for the ages just noding for numbers. I expanded wrote a couple of nodes, but mostly read what others have written. I guess though I missed writing my random thoughts down here for everyone to read and then vote on whether or not they agree with my thoughts. So here I am, back on the day log, noding cause I want to, about my daily life.

Today I am a science teacher. I don't know much about science, but it does not really matter. I'm only giving a test all day. I mean how hard is it to give a test to a group of students? I guess though if I were a student and not a substitute I would want a teacher who knew what the test was going to be or at least what the information is on the test.


Just another day in the life of a substitute.

Last night I took a good solid look at my life. I heard a quote, and it struck me kind of hard. "Its not how you play the game, its how the game plays you." I took a look at all the simple things I have learned in my short time here. (On a side note, some of these were taken from "All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum.)

Share. Even if its something as simple as your cookies from lunch, or just a little hug.

My tastes are different then yours. Just because I like sushi, Jimmy Buffet, and blue jeans doesn't mean you have to, and it doesn't give me the right to force anything on you either.

If you love someone, you can't just love all the "good stuff" about them. And no, you can't change them either!

There were some things that were never meant to be said out loud - Like how you really feel about those shoes she's wearing, or that TACKY tee shirt he wore to your parents gathering.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

Its the simple things in life that give us the most pleasure, and are the easiest to be forgotten.

Assume nothing.

Those who abandon their dreams, will discourage yours.

Those with closed minds are always the first to open their mouths.

Its better to feel stupid for a few minutes by asking that question, then to feel stupid for a life time having never asked at all.

A thousand plastic roses can't make a desert bloom, and a thousand empty faces can't fill an empty room.

In ending this post, I'd like to thank all of my close friends who have helped me learn and grow in life. They have been more then friends, they have been my adopted family. Sometimes the family we choose is much better then the ones given to us.

Chris is beautiful. She's one of my friends in Audiovisual media technology. We've been chatting today. She's a nice blonde, somewhat nordic (I just found out she's half-dutch). She's got a wonderful voice (I just found out she sings in a band). I guess she's got a boyfriend (I'm nearly sure).

This class makes me feel old. I'm used to being the youngest on CS (and seeing nearly no females). There are tons of girls on this class, but they are mostly 17-19.

Ugh! They make feel old and I'm 21.

Two days ago I found out that a friend of mine has just published her first paper. My brother told me. There it was, along with her picture and her email. Funny. I've got her phone number, I've been to her place and I didn't have her mail. I sent her a quick congrats mail. I don't see her much these days.

My life's a mess... just like everyone else's. It's just that I feel as if the weather was grey though it is blue now. It's not cold. The sun is shining even.

I have to buy a suit for my cousin's wedding. I hate buying clothes.

I probably sound depressed. I guess I'm not. I think I'm catching a flu. I'm tired. Writing daylogs is therapeutic, isn't it? Dunno. I'll tell you about that later.

Seeya

This will be brief, because I am sitting in DIA waiting for my airplane to leave, trying out the really cool free Internet access. They've got these pagodas in the concourse with four computers arranged about in a design created to minimize privacy (no doubt they used The Calculus to derive this setting) but I'm happy.

I'm flying to New York to be interviewed for entrance into Oxford University. This is my biggest, bestest dream right now, and I'm unbelievably excited. I think I can handle the interview well-- I'm a charismatic person-- and I'm not worried about the flight. The airport is a ghost, half empty. One man I talked to said he was going to start flying again-- but he "sure as hell took out an insurance policy before he bought a ticket." This paranoia is crazy. I understand that people are scared, but they can't be paralyzed with fear forever. This too shall pass.

i am sitting at work. i am still listening to the same mix that i have been listening to since tuesday night. i have been to the basement, i have shredded much paper...i have hit a very unnatural state of calm. a quiet smile, a shiny coating on a vacant gaze...taking in everything, and letting it pass. the headache is gone, and i return.

i used to be like this in my first year of college. no one saw me, not because i wasn't there, but because i must bend light bizarrely in this mood. i had to turn it off in order to buy lunch, or i'd have stood there all afternoon. i have an aversion to dealing with anyone in meatspace. i would like to stay interfaced with the world and its happenings, but i would do it from here -- from behind the machine. little sister is watching, don't you know.

niall will be unhappy with me. he doesn't understand that this is a perfectly valid mode -- that a person can function in a refractive zen bubble for months at a time, with few ill effects. once, i forgot the sound of my voice. it sounded funny when i finally spoke to someone after two weeks of silence. i'd had no reason to talk, no one to talk to. it was pretty funny. i watch myself now, make sure i at least go out and buy a sandwich at the frontier so that i won't have it happen again. i'm sure it won't. too many people are bent on speaking to me at this point. i don't understand.

but hey, it's all good. some russian physicist was hitting on me today. that was confusing and cool. i really wanted to go to the colloquium today, and he really wanted me to go to the colloquium....but i had to go to work. *sigh* i'm sure there'll be another chance. this week's lecture was to be divided (if i heard correctly) between quantum physics and something about design principles for non-terrestrial environs. god, i love the space program.

the world is a wild and wonderful place today....