A hit in 1973 for David Essex. Surely written in about five minutes, full of nostalgia swatches (with a touch of the de rigueur boogie), from the Rock and Roll Revival of the day. And minimalism - the recording consisted mainly of a bass guitar, an echo unit, and an actor. It has aged better than the motormouth maximalism of "Life is a Rock". But still, you have rock and roll, soul music, the aforementioned boogie, the 50s anthem "Summertime Blues", "Blue Suede Shoes", the Isley Brothers' "Shout", perhaps via Lulu, and James Dean. A vast rock iconography trip in three minutes. I have no idea who fills the blue jeans.

The song was originally written by Essex for That'll Be the Day, a film designed to capitalize both on the nostalgia boom and on Essex's success playing Jesus in Godspell on the stage; the film's producers rejected it, maybe because it didn't fit in musically with this British American Graffiti.

It was covered, years later, by an American soap opera star named Michael Damian, and, no doubt, his version was full of rock star bombast, far removed from the simplicity of the original; Essex wasn't a rock star - his pop-singing career fizzled several times before "Rock On".

What is under us?

Bedrock is under the dirt that is under us—including the historic town of Bedrock, which archaeologists have determined was a vast city with proto-cars, record players, and a mine whose purpose eludes us. Why were these cavemen digging up rocks? To keep up with the ceaseless demands for wheels and brightly-colored cereals, likely.

Who studies rocks?

Nerds. More specifically: “petrologists” or “geologists.” Also, school children.

Is the Earth a rock?

The Earth’s crispy, delicious crust is made of rock. The Earth’s mantle (above the earth’s fireplace—no, for reals!) is made of rock. The core of the Earth is liquid iron, nickel, and/or heavy metals. Scientists have determined the contents of the core using the scientific method of “guesstimation.” Still, their (boring) sciency guesses are likely more accurate than the (awesome) science fiction made about the Earth’s core. (See: The Core (2003); Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959, or, God-forbid, the 1967 animated television show based thereupon.)

Are other planets rock-based?

In our solar system, Mercury, Venus, and Mars (as well as Earth) are terrestrials (rock planets). We don’t know about extrasolar (now with more sun!) planets, but scientists are guessing that they might be gas giants or some entirely different type, like an ammonia giant or a carbon planet. (Again, these guesses are better than the science fiction about other solar systems, i.e., The Phantom Planet (1961))

How do we get more rocks?

Oh, man. It’s a little complicated. Rocks are made of melted rocks, which cool, and are then mined by cavemen.

What is the difference between a rock and a stone?

A stone is a rock of a certain size (that being stone-sized).

Are gems rocks? Why do we call them “rocks”?

Gemstones are shiny rocks that people collect and put in jewelry. The gems they used to call “precious”, they now call “cardinal.” They are diamonds, rubies, sapphires, and emeralds. These are the ones that fill in the blank in the Shane Company ads. To wit: “Now you have a friend in the (insert name of cardinal gem here) business.”

Most of the time, when someone refers to a gemstone as a “rock”, that person is referring to an engagement ring. This is meant to be complimentary, but it is also a statement of fact. That is a literal rock in the ring.

Why is a pet rock funny?

The “joke” is that we project onto our pets, like when we think that our dog loves us or that our cat is put off by our affection, and that it becomes more obviously absurd when we arbitrarily deem an inanimate object a pet.

The joke is not that funny, apparently; the pet rock fad lasted for six months in the mid-seventies.

What is the difference between a human being and a rock?

Humans are more closely related to other primates than to rocks. Human beings are carbon-based life forms. Some rocks are carbon-based, such as coal, graphite, and diamonds. These rocks, however, are inanimate.

What makes a rock inanimate or a human animate?

I don’t know. I recommend contacting your local library, clergy member, or stoner for more information.

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