"...you can call it the Palmer Bunch!"
I blinked twice, then winced at the reference. "I've never watched that show!"
"Well, you should... to get a feel for your character."
I could only glare at him. Me. Watch the Brady Bunch. So I'd be a more convincing stay at home mom. "I've already sacrificed most of my self respect for this team, but this might be where I draw the line..."
"Well, it is so nauseatingly sweet that you'd probably kill yourself if you watched it..."
Blink. Smile-- reflexive. Move on.
Every day. Every god awful long tiring miserable day. All I want is a break. From feeling alone. From sitting here wanting to be anywhere else.
It's been over a year since I've seriously thought about suicide. Not that things have gotten much better since then. Sure, I have a boyfriend now, one that won't try to screw me and leave me. I hope... And I'm at college now, which outclasses good ol' Hammond High by a large margin. And I'm almost over it. Really.
But that's not what's really changed. It's me. I don't want to die. Life has its pettiness, its miseries, its failures... and I love every minute of it.
But with every breakthrough, every step forward, comes a new hurdle.
When you don't care about life, you aren't scared of losing it.
Just when I'd broken free of death's shadow his grip tightened on me. I feel each second of the clock ticking down the moments until there is nothing left of me. I can't even comprehend it, It's more than the mind can understand.
I can't imagine not existing...
Being an atheist is great on paper... but sometimes it's more than I can handle. I want the delusions I mock others for, I want to believe there's something greater than me, so that I can believe that I will go on...
And then there's the two people in my life who mean more to me than anything. I go home to them every weekend, without fail, and bask in love and contentment and bliss.
Without them, how could there be any joy in this world? They bring to it all the beauty I have ever known. I love them. If only that were enough. I know my mother's health is fading fast. Just when I may have to be ready to let her go... I cling more than ever.
To not care was to be oblivious to all that was to come.
Caring hurts.