It started about a year and a half ago. There was this boy who rode my
bus to school. He was not a good boy, nor an awesome geek boy.
He did every drug imaginable, partied all night, stole things,
enjoyed vandalism, wore spikes, sold marijuana, didn't go to school. He
was the boy your mother warned you about. And he liked me. I was a young
and innocent (or not-so-innocent, I suppose) sophomore girl who liked
to ride horses.
We played games. We went to parties. We stole things. We ran Mary Jane
in my innocent little car. He finished his senior year with a certificate
of attendence instead of a diploma. We stole some more things. We ran
some coke.
I was drawing away from my life of dandelions and ponies. I was drawing
away from my family. I was drowning in this cataclysm of myself.
I began to hate everything that I was, everything that he was. I wanted
to leave the dark world that I had created for myself. I could see
only one way out.
I wanted to die.
As I swirled in the dark depths, I saw I had a choice
. I could choose to live, or I could choose to die.
I could choose to feel happy, or I could choose not to feel.
There are so many beautiful things in this world.
Dandelions
Ponies
Smiles Stars
People
That's the choice you have. You do have it. Every day
you're able to choose whether you're going to have a good day, or a bad one.
Whether you're going to accept criticism, or let it destroy you.
Whether you're going to bake cookies, or stop eating.
Whether you're going to give someone a hug, or end all your hugs forever.
It's this choice that determines how you feel. If you've chosen to be mad
or sad or depressed, nothing anyone says can change that. Only after
you've made your choice can I help you. Can anyone help you. The things we
say are meaningless until you choose to believe, choose to be helped.
A year ago I chose to be happy.
I chose to feel good instead of feeling hateful.
It's the best choice I've ever made. Every day different people
let me know they're happy I chose this - whether they simply smile at
me during math or come to me with their darkest problems, I know
they want me here.
And you know what's really cool? They want you too.
I decided to write this now because last night something triggered my
memories of those fitful days with that boy. Last night, I was out
with the best boy in the world and a friend, and I wanted to steal.
I got depressed. I got mad at myself. But not for long. I remembered
why I had chosen to live, and I thought of all the beautiful
things I would miss. The best boy in the world, a cocky little pony named Scout,
zig-zag parts, liquid sunshine, dandelions in springtime.
It doesn't matter what you were in the past, or what you felt before.
The only thing you have control of is what you are now. Make your choice
about what you want to be, and we'll be here to help you with whatever
you need.