Yesterday's Log
8:47 PM: She hasn't returned my call.
I called today, a little after 7. She should be at home.
Rang 4 times. I hung up before the answering machine
came on. Guess I was a little anxious. Should have left
a message.
The last time I called her was last Thursday, the 7th. No
answer. No returned call. 5 days ago. Granted, she did
go out of town this weekend.. but that's not too often, is
it?
The fact that I am analyzing this is one of my personality
flaws. I guess you could say I'm obsessive. But I do
my best to not show it. Waited 5 days because I called
again. A part of me wants to write an email:
Hello, I just wanted to say hi. We haven't talked in a
while
Well, actually, we talked over IM yesterday, although it
didn't amount to much. Basically she pasted a bunch of text
she had written to other friends describing her weekend in
New Orleans.
and I thought I'd drop you a line .. I tried
calling you yesterday, but you weren't there. Just
wondering what you're up to. See ya 'round,
Me
Quite civil and I think it would get to point. But I won't
do it .. Of course, what I really want to write, deep down
is something like:
Am I annoying you? You haven't returned my last two
phone calls.
However straight to the point that is, there is no way I
could do it. If I wasn't previously annoying her, that
message would show how insecure I am. It would also show
that I don't have much trust in our relationship (do we
have one?).
What about the civil letter? It makes me seem too needy,
because she'd know why I had written it. My original plan
was to not contact her and wait to see if she calls me.
But that fell through..
After our relationship has been in limbo for a few months,
(her being busy with school during most of the week and
tournaments 3/4 weekends of a month), there is finally
time for us to spend more time together, and I don't
think it's going to happen.. Sigh.
"Why bother, it's gonna hurt me."
Why didn't I think of that before?
And why am I making such a big deal of this? We really
weren't emotionally intimate, just physically. And even
that wasn't there during the few times we got to see each
other during the limbo period..
Who am I kidding. It is over.
But then I remember, her saying.. Her last boyfriend.. She
tried to get him to dump her by not paying attention to
him and etc.. but it didn't work even after trying for few
months.. so she finally just broke up with him.. and he
asked, "Is this a joke?". It was so much of a pain for her,
she would never do it again.
Then again.. actions speak louder than words.
I am so confused. I want to write another email:
Dear (Name),
Recently I have been confused as to where we stand.
Is there a mutual attraction between us any more? This
period of virtually non-stop tournaments has not allowed
for much communication between us, which I believe
relationships are based on.
My next paragraph gets written, erased, written again,
erased again. I give up. No use, I'm not going to send
it anyway. Oh well..
I don't know what to do.. Guess I'll just wait, and
see if she contacts me, ever.
Oh, by the way.. I feel really weird saying this, but
if you've been reading and you have any thoughts for me,
/msg me and I'll provide contact info (choose a medium:
email, aim, irc.)
--
Next day, 11:39 AM: I'm still attached.
I've been out of school for almost a week now. When I get
up, I check the local news websites. Yep, her school is
closed due to bad weather. Interesting.
Of course, I can't call her. As I idle away time online,
I see one of her not-so-frequently used names pop on and
off my buddy list. My heart jumps.. Man, something is
wrong with me.
On the positive side, I've been working on the piano
recently.. I'm learning the rest of Fur Elise. Ok, it's
a little trite, but I don't have music to many other songs.
I've gone forever knowing how to play the main motif.
Some sections of that song are really hard for me, but I
think I will be able to learn it eventually.
Still disliking both 'rents being in the house. Get me
out of here. Arrgh. I wish I had something important
to say.. Something of substance. Something with meaning.
--
3:39 PM: I'm scared.
I took my car to the shop after having lunch with the
'rents. As soon as I got home, I checked the caller ID.
No calls.
Waah. It seems like thia happens to me everytime....