December 29, 2001

I haven’t done this in far too long. Life is good, I’m home for the holidays and have been since the seventeenth. I’m due to return to Ann Arbor before the seventh of January, when classes start. I’m taking a bitch of a semester, all science and language. The only thing I am truly worried about at this point is losing my mind under such a heavy load of three-hour labs and endless memorization. I think I’ll be able to handle it, and if I can’t I’ll have the entire summer to recuperate.

My friends and I are planning a major spring break vacation. We’re thinking Tijuana, the birthplace of one of my favorite mexicans, the one and only Joaquin. We’ve been pals for three years or so. So far the list of participants included myself, him, Aaron/MiZuNkY, Nick/SoberSephiroth, and possibly a few others. I think it shall be exciting. Just the plane ride would be interesting enough, let alone the two weeks of drunkenness and good food. We’ll see what happens.

Christmas this year was a little shaky in the planning. My brother has been on the outs with the parents or about… well, for as long as I can remember. But now that he is approaching the age of legalness he and they have been arguing more than usual. Adam turned seventeen on the seventh of Decmber, an event everyone was happy to witness. We weren’t sure he’d make it this far. He is back with the esoteric Sheena as of two weeks ago, just in time to have her around our house while I’m home for break. Lucky me.

Despite all these new developments, Christmas went better than I thought it would. There was no fighting, no threats of moving out, no blatant drug use in front of the family. It was almost like the good old days, but the glazed look in Adam’s eyes, paired with his far off stare that seems to be a permanent feature this past year, put a damper on the event for me at least. I just want my old brother back, the one I used to build forts with out of couch cushions and make igloos with in our front yard every winter. The one I argued with and chased around the house with a baseball bat, the one who spent hours setting up puppet shows with stuffed animals and kite string hanging from the second floor over the banister at our old house. The one who wanted to paint his room orange and cried when my parents said no, the one who’s hair everyone made fun of for being shaped exactly like a mushroom, who’s eyelashes reached his eyebrows and who’s mouth never closed. The one who smiled occasionally.

I bought my mother a nightgown, a new version of Mahjongg for the computer, a few board games. I made a 16x24” painting from a picture for my dad, and also got him Spaceballs the DVD. For my brother, I got Requiem for a Dream, one film from the endless stream of drug-use related movies that so entertain him and his friends. I received more than I deserved, including a new Fossil watch with kanji for numbers on the face, several pairs of pajamas (I have dozens and dozens and always love to get more), a cell phone, clothes that I picked out, some that I did not. Lots of undies from Victoria’s Secret, they are so pretty it’s a shame more people cannot see them. Adam gave me Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which I have yet to watch. Adam was thrilled with his new Game Cube. My parents bought every game they could find for it, but I have only tried a few so far. Luigi’s Mansion and Super Smash Brothers are my favorites.

We spent most of Christmas day watching DVDs. Spaceballs, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Tarzan, Pearl Harbor, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Neverending Story, and several others. I think I was the only one to watch them all. My dog got into the chocolate from our stockings, and ate it all, tinfoil included. He was quite subdued after that, but hasn’t shown any ill effects thus far. He must have eaten close to a pound of chocolate coins. Thankfully he is an extra large dog and quite used to eating things he should not go near. We’re still not sure who let him get away with it, but we’re all happy he’s okay.

I’ve spent my days at work and sleeping, watching more movies and sitting around the house. Most of my friends work during the day, so we go out at night when we can. I’ve seen so many people since getting home, it’s great. Little Mary, sad Ben, the illustrious Schmoo (who is now in Hawaii with his brother), and a million others. My mom and I have spent a lot of time together, shopping mostly. We went to Sam’s Club tonight to buy stuff for my annual New Years party, and to several shoe stores. It was very relaxing.

If I’ve got a problem, my problem’s got a problem til it’s gone.
Good thing I don’t have any problems today.

I’ve been listening to a lot of ODB recently, which is unfortunate for my professional life. Having lyrics such as the ones he performs stuck in my head while working retail is not the most appropriate of situations. On the other hand, my manager’s son is a huge fan, so she is not too shocked to hear what I’m singing when in the back room taking inventory of all the beautiful Pfaltzgraff dishes.

Hey, Dir-tay, baby I got your money. Don’t you worry.

Well, it's been a long time....how long you ask? Longer than a bread box, much much longer....

I just caught a glimpse of a node titled Spanking Breeze. I didn't read it yet, but I'm sure it must be an advert for the newest BDSM potpourri scent, just perfect for those times when your Master is away and you're just hankerin' for a spankin'. And just where the hell did the phrase hankerin' come from anyway? Ten bucks says it has something to do with never having a hankercheif when you need one. But anway, I digress...

Christmas was pretty neat-o this year. I always judge my Christmases by the quality of the gifts I give people. I always feel so terrible when I give something that I know in my heart isn't really all that cool. And it feels so awful when you know the gift you gave sucked really bad and the person you gave it to is trying so hard not to show it. It's almost sickening to watch someone try to fake happiness for a cheesy gift. But this year I did a good job, I was proud of myself:) Was, but now I have to move on to the stresses of figuring out what to give everyone next year! OMG! I've only got about 360 days left! I better get to thinking!

Ever notice how things creep up on you when you aren't noticing them? It's always easy to notice it though, after you already noticed, but until you notice, you never notice. Why is that? Speaking of not noticing... I've been talking to a really cool friend that I haven't seen in five years. I didn't even notice how excited I was to hear from him, well I didn't notice at first. And then I was even more excited when he told me that he was moving back to New York. He's a pretty cool guy, and I always noticed that, that's one thing that I have noticed right from the start, but five years makes you kind of forget. Well, it's not like totally forgetting, it's like not riding a bicycle for five years and kind of remembering how but not really totally remembering until you get back on it and try to ride again....but then when you do get on, it's like you never got off in the first place. Damn, this really could be considered a 'racey' conversation, you know, since it's about bikes and you can race bikes.... That's something that I miss about my friends like Chris. I miss being silly and not worrying if someone is going to give me a silly look, cos all my friends were pretty silly looking any way. And that totally made sense to me, and it was pretty funny in my mind, but you're not in my mind, therefore you probably couldn't think it was funny. But Being John Malcovich was a pretty awesome movie. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich.

Hopefully soon I will get to visit Chris in Ithica (or as everyone else likes to call it, Ithaca). I'm pretty darn excited. In fact, so excited that I have called him twice, even thought I knew that he wouldn't be home, just cos I couldn't wait to talk to him. Did I mention that I miss my friends from RIT yet? I called him at 3AM and he was so sweet not to hang up on me, but I bet he would have if he could figure out how to hang up without closing the phone. Again, something that was funny in my mind....but I'm not John Malkovich.

Directions: Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

He said something really sweet to me the other day. I don't even know if he realized how sweet it was. If he didn't does that make it any less sweet?

Question: When do you stop?

8:33 AM. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. I've been up for 12.5 hours now, waking up yesterday night after 16 hours of sleep. I didn't even do anything interesting that made me have to sleep for 16 hours, I just didn't feel like waking up. I had a moment that couldn't have happened if I woke up when the sun was still shining; I turned on my lights and my eyes had to adjust to the them. That's funny, that didn't happen the last few days when I woke up in the dead dark blue of dusk..

I've been up for 12.5 hours now wasting my life away in front of my computer. Tried to read GEB but like always, I skipped the complicated parts, half-assing my way into not understanding it. I always do that, I end up skipping parts I don't understand, I don't try to understand because I'm too lazy to sit at a desk and have a pen and a piece of paper to decipher what's being written. With my "school" books it's worse, because I'm too lazy to put my ass at my desk, I don't even begin learning. I'm fucked.

This is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time. I have the quote from Fight Club written on a piece of paper stuck on my wall, and it doesn't even provoke any sort of emotion anymore, I'm just half-assing into oblivion, until perhaps one day I will wake up and find myself having a lousy job and a lousy life that was over way back before. I know I have to change, but every few months I stand up and say "everything's going to be different now", and every few months, I am back saying the phrase again. I want to be motivated.

9 AM. It's raining outside, there are droplets on my window. There's a single bird perching on a leafless tree, I looked outside and saw a small black dog. It was on a leash, held by what looks like an old lady, in a pink raincoat, holding a green umbrella. It's miserably raining, why the hell would you walk your dog? Oh to be old and carefree. I once said to an acquaintance, "I want to die young, speeding off a cliff in a Ferarri.". "A borrowed Ferarri, maybe!" he said, mocking the idea that I could afford a Ferarri, perhaps correctly. I'm not sure if it was him or another guy who said that, but if it was him, he now is the boyfriend of a girl for whom I had a special place in my heart.

I want to die young, speeding off a cliff in a Ferarri. What an impossible dream. Another "friend" told me I look different to the way I look the first time she saw me, she said I now look paler and look as if I don't have any joy left in life. How right she was.

9:15 AM. Better go to the post office and send out my secret gift. I hope my e2 secret santa recipient likes what I got him.

This is my life, I don't particularly like it at the moment. Let's see how today is going to change it.

Title: Do we really crave fear and poeha ... the consequences of the war on fear.

Poll after poll suggests that the fear has seized hold of the North American public. In the most unlikely corners, people are apparently afraid of the potential of terrorist attacks, as if somehow places like Watertown, NY show up on the list of targets assembled by a few angry madmen with a mission !

This is not to minimize the severity of the attacks, but rather to suggest that we are starting to victimize ourselves when we submit to such irrational fears. Particularly given the likelihood that the current (biochemical) scare tactics are the work of deranged copycats taking advantage of the media scrutiny, and unlikely to result in anything more severe than a spike in profits for media companies and the drug companies that manufacture the antibiotic remedies used to cure the disease.

Current attempts to cast criticism of the war against terrorism as unpatriotic is a cynicism of the Administration and the press; a worrisome sign, especially because the enemy is a faceless one -- terrorism is a method, not an enemy one can declare war on.

There are other signs, too, that the current crisis is proving almost too much for the Bush Administration to handle. To be fair, the nature of the attacks against the USA are without precedent. But that said, the warning last week given by an ashen-faced John Ashcroft of "unspecified but credible threats", seemed of highly questionable value and close to irresponsible.

As if not to be outdone, the governor of California added his voice to the fear by announcing the possibility of threats against West Coast bridges based on unconfirmed reports from unnamed sources that an unspecified type of attack might occur.

Both of these announcements where subsequently accompanied by chorus from other Bush Administration "officials" (such as the newly appointed Tsar of Homeland Security: Tom Ridge) that Americans should at the same time be at a heightened state of alertness and carry on with business as normal.

What makes these missteps particularly unfortunate is the economic backdrop to the current crisis; causing that what ever woe that can befall a company, chances are it is linked to the current "post September 11th" climate.

This smoke-and-mirrors behavior might cause forward predictions to falter and cause permanent damage to "free speech", true patriotism and any Libertarian fundamentals.

Anyway, create a fool-proof system and someone will invent/elect better fools.

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