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Watched my cousin play The Sims all day long and now we're off to see Cast Away. Quite an interesting day of lesbian sims and gay sims all living together. Slaps and fights and marraiges oh my!!

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Time: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 00:20:53 GMT
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JeffMagnus node of the day: The Everything Credibility Problem

Today is the birthday of two people: yours truly, and that of Linus Torvalds. I was born in 1979, and Linus was born in 1969.

Happy Birthday Linus!!

Wow, TV Funhouse is most screwed up show ever. Tonights episode featured a cartoon called Jokamel (Joe Camel) parodying Pokemon. I guess I'll node that. I luckily taped it 'cause I was watching Junkyard Wars in the other room.

I need a real job. I've got a CS degree but no one's banging down my door here in Northern KY. I've been doing Order Entry temp stuff to pay my MC bills. I'm at this annoying point in my life where I know everything is going to be great, but not for a couple more years. IMO I've already overcome the one thing that I was worried about accomplishing: finding someone who actually likes me enough to marry me. Now I just need enough money to pay off my debts, buy a ring, find a place to live and get some minor furnishings. I want to avoid the always wanting to reach a different level to be happy problem... I am currently pretty happy... I'm just getting less and less patient.


In the past I've whined and complained about my job numerous times on my day logs. But last night a strange thought got inside my head.
This isn't really that bad.
Most of the people are reasonably nice, we don't have any severe backstabbing that I know of going on, and the work is something I would do whether it was my job or not. And while the salary can't really be called good, it's more than plenty for the minimal amount of effort one has to offer. And it's not like an uneducated and not-so-intelligent person like myself could do much better in any other firm.
Sure, sometimes one can get a little pissed off at the ignorant bosses and stubborn customers, but that just goes with the trade. Actually, I don't think that it can be completely avoided in any department, company or profession.
So when I bitch and moan about the inhumane conditions and terrible workload here - which I'll surely keep doing - just ignore me. Thank you.

The extended Christmas weekend went by well too. My immature parents somehow managed to stop their silly bickering for a few days. Even my mother, who has always had a hard time figuring out when to quit.
Apart from presents and eating more than is good for you, Xmas time was also time for creativity. I started drawing sketches and reading things on interior design for a new Big LightWave Project™. This time I'm not imposing any strict deadline for myself, but going with inspiration instead. The new project will contain lots of hardcore modeling, texturing and lighting.. but I'm ready. Bring it on. :)

For those who don't bother reading all this text before downvoting, here's a short summary: Things are fine. Just fine.

With the last party over and done, Tex and anm withdraw from the hustle and bustle of work to sit and talk about the next party. The New Years Party! It's on now, anm's parties are synonymous with sex and drunkeness, what a combination.

Well it kind of sucks to have to be back at work again, especially since tomorrow is the last day until the 2nd, but... whatever, I don't make the rules.
Sure look forward to the 8th, that's when Allison starts her new job. I can't wait to go visit her, in San Antonio.


My daily random acronym
The Tidal Creek

There is a tidal creek behind my new home. It rises when the tide is in, and drops when the tide is out. It also rises when it rains.

Today it is raining. The creek is teaming with life. Along with the regular Great Egret pair and lone Great Blue Heron, there are Hooded Mergansers swimming in the high water. These ducks seem to all dive together, eating I-don't-know-what.

Other visitors, which I just identified today, include three the Snowy Egrets.

The Great Egrets hunt by standing very still along the banks of the creek or in it. They move slowly, like sloths, when they are hunting. It's a peaceful, delicate dance.

The Snowy Egrets, on the other hand (or thin long leg) hunt by jumping around a lot, flapping their wings. So, with the Snowy Egrets and Mergansers frolicking, the Great Egrets are having trouble finding quiet parts of the stream.

Life thrives here.

As usual, I can't sleep. I try exercise, food, sedatives, and just end up still being awake eight hours later. If I had at least planned this, I could be getting some work done. Now watch me give in at something like 11:00 AM, just in time to miss lunch with Ailinh whom I haven't seen in a long time and sleep through the viewing of Solaris I had planned.

My face hurts. See, I grew up in Northern California, and my first Pittsburgh Winter shredded my face. I didn't actually notice until I came home and everyone started mentioning it, and the "girl" I "love" gave me some lotion that turned a minor appearance problem into a painful disfiguring rash, adding insult to injury and further irony to my life. On a similar note, my thumb is still falling apart. It was looking pretty good the other day, but then I stopped bandaging it during waking hours, and it's looking pretty bad again. Heigh ho.

I'm getting sick. Again. And the Vicks Chloraseptic Sore Throat Spray is nowhere to be found, leaving me defenseless until morning, by which time the little buggers will have made an expletive fortress out of my tonsils, and I will feel more pain that I presently do.

That came out sounding more pessimistic than I actually feel. Then again, things always come out sounding more pessimistic than I actually feel. Heigh ho.

I just finished listening to Secret of Mana + for the second time tonight. That was nice; it really goes well with the whole noding attitude. It's lonely at night, when there is nothing specific to do and every sane human is asleep. I just want someone to meet with me, talk to me, distract me momentarily from this profound loneliness... And it sure wouldn't hurt if that someone were an attractive girl who likes E2, wink wink.

Ah well, as long as time is passing. I'm happy to be approaching a period of life in which meaning will be trivial. That's hope for ya. If you have hope, you have everything. And as long as there is Everything, there is hope.

This morning, I finally broke down and cried. It's been two days since I got back from the worst family holiday I have ever had, and probably will ever have. I couldn't tell at first if it felt better to cry than just to walk around in a stunned daze, but I think that now I feel better.

I hate Christmas.

Okay, I've got a sore shoulder. It's from having poor posture using the damn mouse. After 30 minutes or so of clicking around, the pain starts up. So, like a smart person, did I use the computer only for work? Did I save my limited number of pain-free clicks for something useful? No, of course not.

So now I'm running up against a deadline and every click is like a bolt of fire through my shoulder blade. How do I manage the situation? I go to Everything to use up my daily votes. Heck, I only get paid to do work. Work is supposed to hurt.

It was midnight and I was reading in my room. I am so wierd! I don't know what is wrong with me but suddenly I just heard humming in my head. It was a lady's voice and it was a strange song. It was melancholy and just a tune that I have never heard before. I sat up in my bed and looked outside the neighborhood was silent and deserted. I grew frightened as the song progressed and grew louder. I realized that I was sitting in complete silence and all I could hear was the humming of that woman. I decided that I was just dreaming or just imagining it and then I turned out the lights. Everytime I closed my eyes, I heard footsteps. I heard the floor creak, felt a tap on my shoulder and my eyes would open. This is how it was for the whole night and no I am not crazy, niether was I dreaming. This was just a freaky night and I never want to go throught it again.

Quite tired after wild goose chase last night, trying to find a friend's house in a little mountain hamlet. The first time I've been in that neighborhood since a new road was put in. This road, in contrast to the old main road, is fairly straight, well paved, lines are freshly painted, and other things which you don't usually see in those parts. Now, the old main road was the ONLIEST way to get around up till about a month ago. I figured it would be easy to find, but now it's just a little turnoff from the new big road. I drove around for about a hour in the country darkness, thanking bog that I'd filled my gas tank before embarking on this expedition.

After taking every possible wrong turn, I found the place. No one home...

Woke up this morning and took a look out the window. Before I went to bed last night, white stuff had begun to fall from the sky. This morning, as my eyes struggled to cope with all the brightness, I saw that four or five inches had fallen.

Mum was up already, and told me that dad had not bothered with the car, and instead walked down to the subway to get himself to work. People on the radio were reciting their regular "don't travel unless you absolutely have to" warnings. And people outside were beginning to have fun :)

I got up and dressed fairly quickly, wanting to see what kind of consistency the snow was -- we don't get snow very often. A quick walk down to the post box took about twice as long as usual. Cool.

My main outing for the day was down to the local sorting office, during which I saw many people having great difficulty in their cars. Albert Drive is full of crazy drivers at the best of time, but none of them had seen this kind of snow before. It didn't look like any gritters had been out, so the only passable bit of road was a single track down the middle. At one point, I was making better progress on foot than the 59 bus alongside me. Silly, really.

The purpose of my walk was to pick up any post which might be waiting for us, since the postmen weren't out and about today. We had three catalouges, a tax bill and a gas bill. Fun! :) On the way back, I helped a Transco van out of some slush it had created for itself. It took three people pushing, a shovel, some cardboard, and a whole lot of spinning before it was moving again.

Unfortunatley, the snow has also buried most of our satellite minidish - which means Sky Digital is out. Our old satellite dish (a larger one, further up the chimney, pointing at Astra 1 and HotBird) isn't affected, but most of the channels there are foreign language or scrambled. Which means we're stuck with terrestrial tv, Sky News or BBC World. Bah. And I think I may be addicted to Yahoo!'s Literati... (oh dear)

New Year's Eve is always anticlimactic. We had been planning on having a party. One NYC friend called me yesterday at work to tell me that he couldn't make it up here for New Year's because he has too much work to do and has fallen too far behind to leave town for very long. Last night my best friend also called me from New York to tell me that she and her fiance may not be coming up for New Year's because of the potential snowstorm. I think they can beat it if they leave before Saturday afternoon, but I know that they don't tend to get up very early. I've already bought a bunch of hooch (even an experimental bottle of New York State champagne), but cotopus and I are unlikely to finish it all without help. I feel like a loser already.

I could use some suggestions for what to do if the entire gathering goes under, and we are left to our own devices. I suspect we end up glued to the Iron Chef marathon on the Food Network. Yipee. (Imagine my finger, feebly twirling in the air) Go Chen! Rub those crab brains through that strainer! Let the challenger reveal his insecurity by immediately resorting to the foie gras and truffles. You can beat him with hot bean paste.

Maybe we'll just go to bed early.

Day three of the house-sitting job. Last night I drank myself to sleep for lack of anything better to do. Fell out of life around one-thirty in the morning, only to wake promptly four hours later to the alarm blasting classical into my right ear. Found a dead mouse in the main hallway, its neck neatly snapped and no blood anywhere: a present to me from one of the cats. I gave it an honerable burial mumified in paper towels in the rubbish bin.

The house I am in for the time being is away from the city, and I now must commute double the time it normally takes me. Arrived half awake and still without a sunrise.

Work was better than it was before Christmas, but that isn’t to say it was enjoyable. Fatigue and gravity pulled at me throughout the day. I began to feel like I was wading trough a high tide.

Made it home to find another mouse, this one dispatched as neatly as the first. I have my money on the older cat, the younger one wouldn’t kill it straight out like this but would most likely play with it until it died.

I'm fighting the urge to sleep now only because I need to call beautiful girl and hear her again. There is currently a three hour time difference between the two of us, and I am left holding the slack. What kind of place is Vegas to spend Christmas with your family?

I've taken to turning things on the stave off boredom and loneliness. Electronics make poor companions, but I suppose its better than nothing. I would attempt to read but I can barely concentrate enough to write this log and my eyes are beginning to go wonky. This above all things is a sign to me that I am exhausted.

I hate empty houses.

I Hate Snow.

See, I used to like snow. This is because I had not seen snow since I was eight years old. And I admit it, it is fun to run around and make snow angels and fall on your face where otherwise you would have been seriously injured, but snow is mainly a damn pain. We had twenty inches, a record. In Texas? Impossible. But it happened, I was snowed in for two days and had three flights home cancelled on me due to the inclement weather.

Now I know why Christmas is only once a year. Because if we all had to see our families all together more than that, most of us would go totally insane. 9 people in one 1100 square foot house and quick tempers do not go hand in hand. In fact, they mostly go foot in ass. I got into two arguments myself over the holiday and I am a naturally nonargumentative person at heart. One was over my desire to by a Japanese car, and the other was over open source software and whether the Internet should be free. That one was almost interesting because it was had with my one relative with a Master's degree. The rest of my family is, to put it bluntly, white trash. The only thing that was going through my mind for the entire week was the statement made by Minh, the Laotian neighbor on King of the Hill - "stupid redneck."

The only consolation is that somewhere, there is something messed up about everyone's family

Wear Your Seat Belt

My boyfriend was in a terrible car accident the day before I left for Backasswards, Texas. He did not tell me about it until 5 hours before I had to head to the airport so there was no time for me to change my plans. Apparently, he had been stopped in a traffic jam and a semi truck came barrelling up the hill at 60 miles an hour, not knowing that the traffic ahead was stopped, hitting his car full force. Fortunately he had left a car length or so in front of him. He spun a couple of times and hit a Ford Explorer which flipped twice. (Now I know there is some truth to what everyone told me, SUVs flip very easily!) The Explorer hit another car in the process, that hit another car in reaction. All five lanes of the freeway were consumed by the accident and it shut down Interstate 35 for 3 hours at lunchtime.

My boyfriend was the only one injured.

And it wasn't even bad! He had a slight concussion, a couple of cuts and bruises and had to have three stitches in his scalp where his cell phone had flown out of its belt holster on impact and had hit him in the head. His friend Lance was the one driving the Explorer that flipped, and he had just put on his seat belt. That, along with the air bag, saved his life. Someone opened his door and he stepped out without a scratch on him. Everyone, including one lady's chihuahua, was pretty shaken up, but the injuries were very minor for an accident of that magnitude.

People die in wrecks like that. Fortune was on his side that day.

Really everyone, buckle up. And don't follow too close, even in a traffic jam. You just have to. All I could think about was what would have happened if he had not. That I would be opening his Christmas presents because he wouldn't be alive to do it.


The day went by pretty quick today. My brother is moved in with me now, and I finally got my immunization records all straightened out for college. I will try to go by there tomorrow to see if they are open and drop off the papers. I have to go into work early tomorrow. It took about 2.5 hours of waiting at the walk-in clinic to get a measles shot which took all of 5 minutes.

I took my brother by the gym to show him around and see if he's interested in going. He could use it just as much as me. We then went by the grocery store and picked up some stuff.

I think I will get along with my brother pretty well. We'll see how it goes. I need to show him around the area so he knows where stuff is. I figure once he gets to know the area a little better, he'll know it better than me and be able to offer some suggestions on what to do.

I'm thinking about asking Sara out to watch the movie Cast Away. I heard it was pretty good. I'll probably wait until she gets back though; I got an email response from her last night and the tone was completely neutral. I really wish there was some indication from her if she is interested in getting closer with me or not. I guess I'll be patient :)


I want to write Sara, but I'm going to take it easy for a day. Tomorrow I'll write her again. I want to get together with her just to talk, but away from our friends so I can be a little more personal in my communication. I want to know what she thinks about me, and basically find out if she is interested in being more than just friends.

Most of my friends seem to be encouraging a relationship between us. Someone said we had chemistry together, and others are already calling her and me a couple.

When I try to lead her into a situation where it would be easy to drop me some subtle hints, she's neither suggestive of interest nor suggestive of disinterest. Ugh. That's why I want to just ask, but at the same time, I don't want to rush an answer. Then there are times I'm afraid of what the answer may be. But then even rejection would be good for me. It would help me to move on.

Right now, I want companionship. I don't want to be alone the next valentine's day. I want someone smart, active, and attractive to share some of my life with. Sara is all three. But does she want me?

This is frustrating.

Sleep now. Dream now.

It's inexplainable. Sometimes I think it's impossible for me to capture what I wish, as it's been captured in one lyric of a song, a perfect moment passed between two people. How is it that this moment can be taken, held in my hand, shaped into words to mean even a small amount of the preciousness it once meant? The tiredness is behind my eyes, as it has been for hours. I can feel it, the moment I lay down and let go I would fall asleep. Instead I don't, sitting here waiting in frustration, causing it to grow by my weary, false words that are only caused in useless wanting for a thing I can never attain.

Instead I cause pain, a cheap emotion to replace my own empty sadness for just a moment and I could somehow be distracted, somehow feel better, or worse. How is it that you can give yourself to a person, not knowing if they'd cherish you as you cherish them, not knowing if you'd be thrown down again only to force yourself down before it could even happen? How is it I could reject it simply so that I don't feel the rejection later, as it always comes. The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love.

I should have left that day, my bags neatly packed. I hadn't even unpacked them til yesterday, still wanting to hold onto that feeling. People asked if I was worried, but I couldn't say. I couldn't even begin to explain the freedom I began to feel, just knowing I would go, not knowing what would happen. I regret it now. I regret only those things I don't do.

Do I want to talk? Yeah. But he'd only ask the wrong questions, and assume the wrong things, and never focus on what I want. It wouldn't be right, having to explain the things that I've never found explainable. I suppose sometimes I don't wish for the truth, but it's simply that there's always more than one truth and it never is the one I prefer.

It's just enough sometimes to sit here and listen to the same songs, even if I've been in the same place for years, even if my life hasn't changed, because in some small way I do change, and when I'm tired and too afraid to go to sleep it's almost enough.
Stupid fucking shit...

Hung out at my favorite coffee shop/bar tonight, and had drink after drink after drink... But when I came home, I decided that instead of passing out like I should, I would eat some food and watch Oprah. WELL.

I ended up losing it right there in my kitchen. The show was all about gynecological oncologists, and how certain doctors deal with telling their patients that they are going to die. At first, I tried to sit there and watch it with a straight face, but after a few minutes, I felt the corners of my eyes scrunching up with that familiar "I'm gonna cry, and there ain't nothing you can do about it" feeling. I refuse to cry, I refuse to cry... I hate crying; I hate crying about my mother, especially. It makes me feel weak, and it makes it hurt even more to think that I'm still not over it after six fucking years...

So while sitting there, stomping my foot, and yelling in my head to shut the hell up and stop my goddamn crying, I had the breakdown of all breakdowns. Drunk + Touchy subject= bad shit. Why her? Why ANYONE? Why do people have to be left on this earth, hurting this bad, wanting nothing more than their loved ones back? Why couldn't she see me graduate high school, why couldn't she help me through being pregnant, and why, especially, did I have to lose my best friend, my most special link on this planet?

Mopping up my tears, I got out the chocolate ice cream, and switched to an infomercial.

Like I said... stupid shit.

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