Faking an orgasm

I think I'd rather have my precious male ego (and what a big ego it is!) bruised by the truth of being told that you're faking it. Honesty is the best policy, etc, and is the first step towards rectifying any problems in the stud's technique. Better to be an improved sex partner than to be merely a legend in my own mind. But then again, I'm contractually obligated to a life of celibacy these days - the word "orgasm" crosses my mind as often as the Mongolian word for "Cheese Danish". Nothing to see here. Move along.

I didn't know that guys could fake orgasms until I did it one time! It takes me a long time, especially if I'm nervous or it's my first time with somebody. So, there we were, and it seemed to me like she was getting bored. Or maybe I was just mortally afraid that she was getting bored, and projected my fears onto reality. So, I kind of changed the rythm of my movement, made an "oh my god I'm coming" face, and then slowed down and kind of relaxed. She couldn't tell the difference. Or maybe, she could tell and was just being polite. I felt resentful, but didn't say anything. Looking back, I was of course being an idiot. Faking orgasms is lame, and I'll never do it again, and I hope nobody does it to me (but I'm sure people have).

Isn't Everything great? Here I can say the most painful, wretched things about myself to hundreds of strangers and still feel okay about it. :-)

...is easy. 

And the first step on a long, long road of shallow, sad, empty, pointless sex. 

I used to do it a lot. 

I never shall, ever again. 

But if you want to try anyway....

It's much more about fooling yourself than about fooling your partner.

Remember when you were 8 and wanted a day off school, and so made yourself seem ill just by thinking about it hard enough?

Faking an orgasm is very much like that.

So...

Setting the scene

• breathe fast
• whimper a little
• unfocus your eyes
• slowly open and close them
• smile in an empty, inward looking manner.

Building up

• gasp
• snap your eyes open
• roll your eyes upwards into your head
• let them drift closed again
• let your breath out raggedly
• smile

Almost there

• be limp, helpless
• let out a long slow quiet moan
• Mumble words and half words...
"yes...." "oh please..." "You're..."
• smile some more

Coming

• snap your eyes open and say a word clearly
"Yes!" "Now!" "Oh GODS!"
• grab at your partner
• pull yourself toward your partner in such a way that your face is either pressed against them, or otherwise positioned out of their sight.
• pant
• gasp
• moan
• press your self against (and on- or into) them hard.
• Convulse, if at all possible

And coming down

• SMILE HUGELY
and
• relax
• let your grip on their hair or bum or whatever you've got hold of loosen and fall away
• let your breathing slow, but continue being a little ragged
• Let your eyes flutter open and SMILE sleepily
• cuddle against your partner (again making sure your face is hidden)

Congratulations: You have just taken your first step toward a horrible, pointless sexual relationship, fraught with lies, resentment and bitterness; easy to begin, almost impossible to get back to a sharing and open and satisfying relationship.

And isn't that what it's really all about?

I was living in a large apartment complex in a Chicago suburb last year. It was an old building, with creaky floors and high quality acoustics.

My neighbor directly above me was a cute young guy, very J. Crew. His new girlfriend was a screamer. Luckily, she only came to see him on the weekends.

One night, I was feeling a bit tipsy, eating frozen margarita mix and watching a Woody Allen flick. J. Crew and Screamer were squeaking the floor boards, putting on their dramatic show of affection. So, of course, I turned down the movie to listen. (I never said I was moral.)

They finished with a triple axle/ back flip combination, Screamer bringing it up a notch with some meowing.

Silence.

Floor boards squeaking to the bathroom.

Shower sounds.

Then, to my amusement, I heard Screamer finish for real. She wasn't nearly as dramatic about it, but there were unmistakable orgasm ooh's.

Amongst fierce giggles and tequila light-headedness, I yelled, "Tell him the truth!"

J. Crew squeaked back to the bedroom. Murmered good-nights. Total silence.