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l33t h4x0r who writes for Something Awful. Has atrocious spelling. Likes to call people "fagots" or "smarty man". Hates Unreal, Nali Healing Fruit, Regis Philbin and AMD, likes Quake 3, ninjas, and cyclops who fire laser beams out their eyes. Worships John Carmack, Crispan Antcow, and American Superhero Paul Steeve.

Amusingly enough, most people can't figure out that he's not a real person, but rather a figment of the site creator's imagination, and so they flame him mercilessly for his stupid comments.

http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk

Jeff K rules! He's truly a magnificent icon in today's world. Jeff K utilizes a fascinating mode of grammar/spelling. The funny part is that the folks who write in are just as bad!

I'm including a small piece of one of his AskJeff columns because it sums up the whole Jeff K thing in one fell swoop. I copied it as is. And just added some HTML stuff.

From: Matt
Subject: Uh, you really suck... fag

You keep calling your visitors fagged, you either ARE a fag or are obsessed with them, and who the fuck is gunna want you to write a review for them! You cant even spell "you", you cant even spell. You should delete your spastic page, its not worth the efort. BTW You overate yourself too much you fucin up yourself fag snob

yuo make very good points because you obviousely are a colege graduate or a smarty man! HELLO SMARTY MAN, PLEAS WRITE INTO MY SITE WITH YOUR SMARTY WORDS AND MAKE ME HAPPY AGAIN. YUO CAN SHUT UP NOW, HAHA STOOPID. IF I EVER FIGARE OUT HOW TO GET IRQ INSTALLED, I WILL PINGNUKE YUO. HOW DO YOU LIKES THEM APPLes, JERKFACE???

excerpted from: http://www.somethingawful.com/askjeffk/askjeff-03-04-2000.htm

Jeff K. is a lot like Santa Claus. When you first read his site, you figure "He's probably real, why wouldn't he be?"

As time goes on, though, your analytical mind begins to realize that Jeff K. can't truly be real. His logic is sometimes outrageously flawed, and other times too advanced for someone with his grammatical skills. Yet we always wait, with baited breath, for the next update to his site. The little bits of humor found there are a rarity - guaranteed entertainment on an otherwise boring internet.

Of course, we all know he isn't real. But deep down inside, we all want to believe...

JEDR = J = jello

Jeff K.

The spiritual successor to B1FF and the archetype of script kiddies. Jeff K. is a sixteen-year-old suburbanite who fancies himself a "l33t haX0r", although his knowledge of computers seems to be limited to the procedure for getting Quake up and running. His Web page http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk features a number of hopelessly naive articles, essays, and rants, all filled with the kind of misspellings, studlycaps, and number-for-letter substitutions endemic to the script kiddie and warez d00dz communities. Jeff's offerings, among other things, include hardware advice (such as "AMD VERSIS PENTIUM" and "HOW TO OVARCLOAK YOUR COMPUTAR"), his own Quake clan (Clan 40 OUNSCE), and his own comic strip (Wacky Fun Computar Comic Jokes).

Like B1FF, Jeff K. is (fortunately) a hoax. Jeff K. was created by internet game journalist Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, whose web site Something Awful (http://www.somethingawful.com) highlights unintentionally humorous news items and Web sites, as a parody of the kind of teenage luser who infests Quake servers, chat rooms, and other places where computer enthusiasts congregate. He is well-recognized in the PC game community and his influence has spread to hacker fora like Slashdot as well.

--The Jargon File version 4.3.1, ed. ESR, autonoded by rescdsk.

Possibly one of the greatest satirists of our generation, JeffK comments on the sad state of the web culture through imitation. He could possibly be the alter-ego of Somethingawful.com administrator Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, although he presents a persuasive argument to the contrary by pointing out that their email addresses are different. The most entertaining portion of his site is the Ask JeffK section in which he addresses emails from idiots who take him completely at face value. Ahh, if only we all could abuse people as JeffK does.

There are probably several imitators using this handle, as no one can troll as many forums as he/it does. The syntax of his posts is FUBAR. If you have had to misfortune to meet him/it or one of his/its clones, you'd be amused or enraged unless you are totally apathetic. He/it is also a Netnanny user. One can find it simpler to use the handle of Jeff K as a concept or for describing a troll or a general lamer.

-1337 liek Jeff K. --could be said about some wannabe on USENET.

"SO LISTAN UP AND LISTEN GOOD BECUASE ITS TIEM TO DROP SOME SCIENTISTS ON YUO!!!"

Have you ever wondered how the world would have turned out if Jeff K. had been around when the great literary works of Western civilization were being written? If so, you must be some kind of jerk. But never fear, because you and your script kiddie friends are probably capable of getting your older brother to design a Jeff K. version of one of those programs that comically transforms real text into a hilarious interpretation of what some two-bit flavour-of-the-month comedy character might say.

Now I'm not your older brother, and my programming abilities extend little beyond confusing the Word paper clip by asking it whether it thinks the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies or the ass. I therefore suggest that someone more learned than I design a Jeff K. bot to amuse and delight the kind of person (me) who still thinks the best way to look like a geeze online is to namecheck Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka.

Here's my own attempt to Jeff.K-ify some of the best-loved classics of literature. Imagine if Jeff K. had written Genesis:

in teh beginninhs GOd created the heavens and teh earthas!!!11 2 The eahrt was withouyt forms and voi;d adn drakness was on teh face of the depe. And the wspirit of GOD wwas hoverring over teh face of the waters liek a fagort. 3 then goDS SAIDS "let their be lihgt!!!£ and their was lihgt 4 and god sawed that it was good and goid dividad the lights from the dsrkness#. 5 GDOD caled the light DAYS and teH DARkness he called nihgts so the eveninf an the mororning were TEH FIRSDAT DAYS!!1 tiem!! 6 then god who is A BIG SMARTY MANS LIKE BILL GATE AND IM NOT SCARED OF HIM BECUASE WINDOWS SUX0RS sayed "let theyre be a FIRMNAMENNENTS IN TEH MI@dst of the watersm (whatebar that si) andlet it divides the watersa from teh waters.
And here is the end of Revelation:
16 I JESAS haev sent my angal to tesitfy to YUO THesi things in teh chruches., I am the root and the offsripingm of Davids (my brothar has a GAY freind called caled David, he probely lieks teh offspring since he's a FAGORT), the brihgt and Mornings star;1. 17adn the spiritw and the bridtfe says comes!!!1" SAND LET HIM who heares say "come!!1" and let him who thirsts come! whoever desires, lte him taek the WRATERS of lief freely. 18 for i testafy to everone who heres the words of teh phrophecies of this BOOK; if ANYOEN ADDS TO THIS THINSG GOD WILL ADDs him to teh plauges that aer writtan in this book. 19 And if aynone tkes aways from teh words of teh book of this prophacy, GOD shall tske awsy his part from the BOOK OF LIFES< FROM THE HOLY CITTY AND FROM THE THINGS WHICH are writan in this book. 20 he who testafies to these thngis says "SUERLY I AM COMING QUICKLY" amens!!!!111 - EVEN SO, come, LORD JESAS. 21 teh graces of our LORD JESAS CHRSIT be with yuo all AMENS.
And, of course, the Ten Commandments, Kyanka-style:
  • yuo shall have no othar GOD befor ME
  • you shallt not mkae your for yuorselves a carved IMAGE
  • you shall not taked thw name of teh LORDS YUOR GOD in vain for teh LRods will NOT HOLD you giltless,.
  • Remember the sabath day (black sabbeth SUCKS btw)*to keep it HOLIE
  • honuor yuor FATHER and YUOUR motjher, that your days may be long upon teh labnd.
  • you not shall NOT murdar.
  • yuo shall not commit adultary.
  • yuo shakll steal ooops you SHALL NOT STEWALS.
  • you shall not giev a BEAR to yuor FALSE WITNESSESES of your neighbar.
  • yuo shall not cover your neighbours, their house or your neighbars wife nor his MAIL SERVENTS nor his femael servent nor his cock1 nor his ass eithar FAGORTS.
* "btw si a secrat code (like htaml( which means what your saying si EXTREMLY importent

Any offers?

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