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It's 9 PM. I've been in this office since 8 AM and I'm showing no signs of wanting to go home. They clapped for me at this morning's staff meeting, and replaced the dining room table I had been working on with a massive improvised L-shaped desk larger than my boss's. Not that he cares, because he sees me as a good investment, what with all the mad tricked-out rock star Dean-esque internet work I've been doing.

My car is falling apart, not that it matters, because I only really need it to get to Orlando and back every other weekend, just an hour and a half from my ghetto apartment on the south side of Tampa. My old laptop's keys keep sticking here and there, making coding laborious and logins a bit of an adventure.

I feel alive. Escaping school might be one reason. It's not that things have gotten easier, mind you. I do more work now than I ever did in college. But the work is gratifying... it actually accomplishes something. What we do in a back office in Tampa has the potential to reverse the status quo in Washington, to end the blind interventions and the soulless domestic policy.

But that's another story. There are bigger things on my mind.

I talked about her in a previous daylog. Just a few weeks before graduation, I found myself lying next to her on her dormitory bed, looking up into her eyes. There's a little bit of Punjabi blood in them, enough to make them glow brown. (Yes, brown can glow. Trust me on this one.) And those glowing eyes hooked me and drew me in.

This is the first real relationship I've been in for... well, years. I don't even know how many years. Maybe the proper answer is "ever."

Our summertime romance script is fairly well-defined. We meet around Kissimmee early in the evening, spend an hour or two in the open together, get into the same car to go somewhere for dinner, delay our dinner for an hour or so, finally get around to eating it, get back in the car with intentions to see a movie or somesuch, and end up leaving the same darkened parking lot around 1 AM. And then, for the rest of the days we can't spend together, our nights are full of chatter over tinny cell phone speakers.

It's truly a dog's life.

Anyway, my point is this...

A year ago, I was totally depressed, and I felt like my life was totally fucked up. At the time, I attributed this to two key factors:

  1. No romance
  2. No motivation to do what I was supposed to be doing full-time
If you've read my daylogs of April 26, 2003 and October 29, 2003, you know that I wasn't a happy person. The noding spree that I went on from 2002 to 2003 reflects this pretty well: 886 writeups in just over 2 years. Were it not for this daylog, May of 2004 might have been my first node-free month since I joined E2.

But there was something bolder within me. One of my friends dragged me into campus politics, the bloodiest politics of all. I raised my voice for the first time. I called out crazy liberals alongside crazy conservatives. I had freshmen following in my wake. Unthinkable, a year ago. But it happened. Now, it's hard to hold me back.

So now I have a growing resume, a girlfriend far lovelier than any of my past crushes, and--best of all--a reason to live, a reason to keep marching forward into tomorrow. A meaning. A little bit of hope that every tomorrow will be better than its yesterday. When I walk out into the baking heat of a Florida afternoon, I praise God, because it's all good so far, and it's all good as far as the eye can see.

Yeah, um, getting fired isn't very cool.

I signed a little piece of paper saying that I wouldn't make any disparaging remarks about my former workplace, and I'm going to take that little agreement literally as somebody forgot to clean out their temporary internet files on the way out the door. However, I will say that the whole process was as painless as it could have been, and I appreciate that. I am certainly going to miss certain coworkers, but that would have been the case even if I had left under different circumstances. I was packed up and out of the office building by quarter after 10, which was also very nice of them. It gave me the opportunity of meet up with my wife for lunch, run to the DMV, and make a few phone calls before dinnertime. Overall, not counting the whole getting fired bit, today was as good a day as it could have been.

Instead of jumping right back into the employment pool, I think I'm going to use my free time to take on some projects that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on if I was still working the ol’ nine to five. I can certainly expand the garden in the backyard by quite a large margin, and I've got a few pages to construct. I should also get around to finishing up that book, no? This will also give me the opportunity to get some of these boxes out of the way from the move, which I'm sure the both of us will appreciate. While this new place feels like home, parts of it resemble a warehouse.

Anyway, both my wife and I are fine with the new situation that we find ourselves in, even if it wasn't what we had envisioned. We're both convinced that things will end up on the okay side of things before we move to Albany in a little over a year. And, really, that is the important part.

It grows ever closer.

The zealots have paved the path. The prepare to bring it to the point of no return. The elections might not even matter any longer. Chaos climbs anxiously over the horizon.

Legislation has been introduced into the United States Congress in the form of S89 and HR163. This legislation will bring back the military draft. This time there is no escape. It does not allow for exemptions based on higher education and the likes. It will even include women. There will be no running away, as elements of the Patriot Act make it possible to track you and agreements have already been signed with Canada.

Drink up now. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Even Hillary is calling for a larger military.

Watching the local news last week, here in Florida, there was a thirty second clip of Camilo Mejia, a Florida National Guardsman who deserted in protest of the war. This was followed by a subtle shaking of the head by the news anchor. The story was followed by a four minute long story on a recent high school graduate who signed up for the United States Army because of the great benefits and the opportunity to "fight for freedom." Media bias is a myth.

Won't get fooled again? You're about to get fooled again.

If you don't know how brilliant Osama bin Laden really is, then you have no idea what his agenda really is. As a zealot seeking to inspire total war rather than participate in total war, he met his objectives. He waited until a zealot was in the highest office in the world's last remaining superpower before masterminding 9/11. And now he will act again to make certain that a zealot remains in office. Somewhere he is cackling as he has manipulated George W. Bush, and in turn the United States of America, into the "war footing" his hero George often speaks of. Chaos is his objective, not victory. And don't think George and his associates did not welcome the invitation. We're too conditioned to think in terms of wins and losses. We forget there are other reasons for action. Too many action movies with simple plots and predictable conclusions.

The last time the zealots attempted convergence, their own version of it, there were those who stood up. There were those who shouted the word. Those people have since either taken to their own form of zealotry, or became apathetic, burned out or were marginalized. You know who you are. I love you.

They are counting on this generation not rising. Yet the King of the Zealots himself has already figured out how to marginalize any resistance.

"Isn't it nice that they are able to protest freely in this wonderful nation of ours." -- The King of the Zealots

The call to rise again is before you. It will be much more difficult this time. Soon you will have to choose. The decision is yours.

Peace be upon you.

Yes, I am fully aware that this legislation has been in committees for a year and a half. Yes, I do know it was authored by Democrats in an effort to show potential costs of a war. The point is that it is about to become more that just that. Many thanks to sekicho for requesting the clarification.

I like to tell people I'm related to David Malouf. It impresses people here in Australia, and tonight I decided to capitalize on that relationship. Screw the long, hard road to recognition-- I've got a famous and respected relative! Turns out he's only a very distant relation (as the person I called informed me) and thus this will require some form of work.

I saw a girl today who I often see. Her name is Esther, with its Biblical ring, and she's sad, always. I tried to cheer her up, like I do, and I sense some strange core of wonderfullness in her. That comes with doubts-- do I think this because I think she would be easy to "win", to control? Should I take her to see Ghost World, or would this depress her? Should I concentrate on my "stronger" crush? No, no, and "there's enough time for everybody". I'm going to invite her to Luna Park when break is over; we shall see what transpires. (No, I will not tell you how I feel about the crush. There's enough of that here)

2nd Infantry Division is deploying soldiers to Iraq. My unit, 2nd Military Police company, is expecting to recieve 40% casualties. They are headed to Fallujah and 2 other classified areas. They won't tell the soldiers where until after they come back from leave. I'm guessing because the soldiers probably won't want to come back after they find out.

The Korean nationals were protesting outside the front gate today. They don't want us to leave. They are afraid once 2ID leaves, it will crush their economy. They live off us. There were 1 or 2 thousand people outside the gates. It was a beautifully peaceful protest. The main gate was closed so I went out Gate 3. The Koreans had setup a stage and men with headbands stood on it, and stood on the stage. A Korean took the microphone, screaming in Hangul, inspiring the crowd to scream in response. They had, what looked like, nerf bats, and they banged them together in agreement. Many wore what looked like chef hats, cream colored. They signified something, but I couldn't discern what. Men carried 20 foot tall banners with Hangul, while a full-sized mobile crane draped a white 50 foot tall banner over the crowd. The protestors scheduled the protest with the MPs and dispersed at a pre-designated time.

As I walked to the gate, I could hear them screaming. The board in front of the pedestrian gate said, "Possible attempt to ram the gate". I talked to the MP lieutenant, 1LT Spooner, and asked her what they were protesting. She said, "They don't want us to pull back. They are afraid it will crush their economy. They're totally peaceful." I had walked towards the gate expecting violence, and tension. My buddy in supply had issued the MPs their riot gear prior to the demonstration. The Korean National Police maintained a large presence, what I approximated to be some 300-500 police. I was delighted to see the Koreans join hands and sing a collective song, swaying back and forth. Nationals on my side of the street looked at me warily, but it wasn't hostility. It was peace. They were protesting peacefully, utilizing the democracy that so many Americans and Koreans died for in the Korean War.

It was moving.

Back in October last year, I was arrested inside USAF Lakenheath. After several months of court appearances, pre-trials and reviews, the trial has just ended.

We went in to perform a weapons inspection and get full proof of the B61 nuclear weapons held on the base, to start the process of their removal from British soil.

Although the threat and use of nuclear weapons breaks a whole book full of major laws, under section 47 of the Anti-Terrorism Act, keeping, transferring, or preparing a nuclear weapon in Britain is illegal without a licence. We're still waiting to see that piece of paper from the Base Commander.

There is no denial that there are US nukes in Britain (I've even had a letter from the Minister for the Armed Forces confirming this) and there is documentary evidence from the US Air Force that the only storage systems for the B61 freefall bombs in England are at Lakenheath. Add these two simple facts together, and it seems that yes indeed there are nuclear bombs held at Lakenheath in Suffolk. While the prosecutor insisted that we already had enough proof and thus had no reason to enter the base, the Judge told us that we had no proof at all and thus had no reason to enter the base. These two should compare notes and get the story straight.

We were accused of being unrealistic in our attempts, and asked how could we find anything at all, did we really think bombs were left lying around? Activists in the past have managed to get onto (and redecorate) nuclear submarines, decommission fighter planes, and find bomb loading and transporting equipment and make it unusable. Other campaigners, after spending rather productive hours inside military facilities, have had to go looking for people to arrest them. Armed with knowledge, cameras, notebooks, measuring kit (and buckets of flour to make us look entirely harmless and not worthy of shooting) I still don't think it is unrealistic that we could have got that proof if we had made it further into the base before being stopped. We were trying to get into the right area of the base, the "restricted area" that even the police are not allowed to access without special permission.

We never denied cutting the fence, but this was only so we could get in and prevent much greater crimes. In terms of criminal damage, the effects of a pair of bolt cutters and 30 nuclear weapons couldn't be more different.

We were, however, found guilty of criminal damage. Compared to similar actions, and related trials, our sentence was very harsh--three years conditional discharge and 500 pounds each. Our lawyers believe that the judge may have misdirected himself on several points of law, and are looking into the possibility of an appeal, but we'll need to raise a contingency fund of several thousand pounds to go ahead with this.

Although we were found guilty, I am extremely proud of what we tried to do, and plan to keep on trying.

Today is a pretty good day. The sun is shining (a rare occurrence in England), I'm sat outside with my laptop and a wifi card, management is away on holiday so I can node all day long (and maybe, just maybe, make it to level 3!), I finish my steenkin job tomorrow and already we've started the leaving celebrations (we've got beers in the company fridge and I've got a cold brew in my hand). Oh yes, this is sweet.

I noded a cheeseball list of things that make me happy and then realised that pretty much everything makes me happy right now. Ditching some lame job makes a massive difference to your outlook on life. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Right, this is going in my daylog because it should never have been a node, but I thought it was a cool idea.

Everything Summer Camp

Just imagine, a summer camp devoted to Everything2 for all the newbies who need teaching about everything or just addicted users who want to hone their noding skills and hang out with other noders. You could stash it somewhere nice with a big pool/lake, maybe a forest or something.

Get a massive room full of computers, all running double screens and an enormous bandwidth internet connection, so you can research and node at the same time. Attach a huge library with books upon books. Bring in some experts about various fields, some experienced “pro” noders who can guide people on how to write better. Fit a cosy bar for après-noding. Maybe an observatory, some mental stimulus rooms to keep people’s brains functioning and a health spa so people can get out all the toxins from eating junk food and sitting in front of a computer all day.

By the end of doing 5-6 weeks on a noding summer camp, you’d be fully trained up and ready to take your noding skills out to the world. You could probably knock out a couple of hundred quality nodes in this time, what with all the facilities available to you.

I’d go…

On another note, my new computer came today, which is groovy. It's going to be nice to have one all of my own that I can use for film editing, noding and the suchlike

This is what's been happening.

I live in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Our NHL team is called the Edmonton OIlers. Four or five hours south of us lays the city of Calgary. Their hockey team is called the Calgary Flames.

After a shitty season, the Oilers had just started to shape up. Unfortunately, "just started" coincided with "end of season," and they did not make the playoff cut. Calgary, however, did. Fairly resoundingly.

In this province, there is a fair rivalry between the two hockey clubs, and Edmonton fans, specifically, are known for their fanatic support of their boys (even though Jarome Iginla, the Calgary team captain and all-around decent player, lives in St. Albert, a suburb of Edmonton, about a fifteen minutes drive from my place). Calgary's team is primarily known by their ability to get stomped, at least in the last five years or so.

And now, they're in the playoffs against the Tampa Bay Lightning. The Stanley Cup Final. The enemy's in the Stanley Cup Final. The twist is that Canadians are insanely patriotic, so we have to side with our own..

I have lived in this city for six years, and as such have not formed a great bond with the Oilers. I do enjoy the fact that they are, by and large, a young, violent team. The other side of that coin is that, in all truth, they are not a very good team. I have been inundanted with enough Oilers propaganda, however, to like them enough to root for them, in a very general, yet unabashed, way. After all, I was here when they renamed Capilano Drive--a fairly important east-end thoroughfare--to Wayne Gretzky Drive.

So it becomes a test of wills, really. Do we swallow our pride and root for the enemy hockey team, against the American Enemy? Or do we turn traitor against our beloved country, the true north strong and free? The decision is clear.

I guess what's been happening is that this story is on everyone's lips. It comes up in just about every conversation you'll hear. It is difficult to go five minutes, walking around any area of the city and not see some news of the Stanley Cup Final. The front page of the Sun has been showing hockey-related pictures for at least the last three days. It's on television, in coffee shops, on the radio, in smoky bars, in oxygen bars, in t'ai chi classes, at work, at home, at play, at your girlfriend's place. It's fucking insanity. It never goes away. It follows you home. Game two's coming on in eight hours' time.

So, I'd better get a nap. I have to go cheer for Calgary, but be aware that next season, all bets are off and I'll be laughing while Edmonton beats the shit out of them.

And now, the news

18 000 terrorists 'ready to strike'

According to official intelligence sources, eighteen thousand al-Qaida terrorists are on the verge of taking action. "We will bring the entire system down if necessary," said Abdullah al-Qandahari, spokesman for the National Union of Terrorists, Torturers and Arsonists (NUTTA), on Tuesday. "We're going on strike over our pay and conditions. Osama promised us all heavenly virgins, but so far, despite all his assurances, none of our members has reported receiving any. We've decided on industrial action to ensure we get pay in advance, in the form of earthly virgins." The pay issue is not the only cause for concern among the union's members, however. "We're also protesting about cheap imported labour," Al-Qandahari went on, "It takes a lot of time and money to train a really effective terrorist, and now we hear from our comrades in Iraq that the Americans are using crude bulk production methods and unskilled migrant labour to undercut professionals like NUTTA members." Talks with management were said to have broken down last night, and senior al-Qaida officials were unavailable for comment.

Terrorist threat to democracy - Ashcroft

US Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke yesterday of the threat posed to American democracy during the continuing war on terror. There was a real danger, he said, that a terrorist attack on United States soil could affect the outcome of this November's presidential election. "We have seen clearly, in Spain, the effect that such events can have on the democratic process. When Madrid was attacked, the people voted our ally, Mr Aznar, out of office. It is clear that the possibility of a similar event here in America raises questions about the November election. We are determined that this should not happen. In the event of an attack prior to this autumn's poll, we will take appropriate measures to ensure that the government of this nation proceeds uninterrupted." British prime minister Tony Blair added his voice to the Attorney General's warning. "The danger is clear. Every true democrat will understand the threat which Mr Ashcroft has described. We would advise everyone to stay away from areas of risk, such as prisons, detention centres, army camps, and opposition party rallies."

Bush hits out at Amnesty report

President Bush has condemned a report by Amnesty International which claims the world has been made a more dangerous place by the actions of the US and their allies since September 11, 2001. The report cites an increased danger from terorrism and a rise in human rights abuses on both sides in the conflict. Speaking from an underground nuclear bunker at an undisclosed location, the leader of the free world said, "Although we have all seen the appalling pictures from Abu Ghrim, we must not allow the actions of a few rogue elements to affect our strategification. If these images of terror cause us to flinch from the holy struggle we have undertaken, then the terrorists have already won. We must go about our business as usual, in our burger bars, on our golf courses, and in our high-security prisons. I commend the loyalty and fearless obedience of our troops. It would be wrong to take wide-ranging action based only on the slender allegations in this report. No solid evidence has been produced to back them up, and such unfounded claims are unacceptable as the basis for action. Former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, speaking in another hidden bunker, said "Argh, no, stop, please don't do that..."

Doonesbury criticised for 'inappropriate' image

Political commentators have criticised Garry Trudeau's popular 'Doonesbury' cartoon strip for depicting an image of dismemberment at an inappropriate time. Football-helmeted character B.D. lost a leg while serving in Iraq in a recent instalment of the syndicated story. As conservative radio presenter Hawk 'Hawk' Mysuvitz said: "It's entirely unacceptable. We had just seen these shocking images from Iraq, and this appalling video, and then Trudeau expects the American people to be entertained by this grotesque parody. How dare he make light of a character disabled by the loss of a limb when our own government has been left without a leg to stand on? This insensitivity is typical of the bleeding-heart liberal faction." Garry Trudeau, when told of Mr Mysuvitz's comments and others, responded that he had drawn the strip before the now-infamous pictures appeared, and that it had no bearing on domestic issues. Mysuvitz went on to broaden his attack on the series. "And this guy Trudeau, who is he anyway? He sounds like a cheese-eating surrender monkey to me. We should be supporting good American cartoons like The Simpsons. In a time of war, it's vital that we support our national products."

Rumsfeld moves to curb abuse pictures

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today announced immediate measures to prevent further images of abuse coming out of Iraq. "As of now, any soldier found to be in possession of a digital camera, camera phone, or any other photographic device will have it confiscated, and will be court-martialled in secret for treason. This move has been necessary to prevent the American people being further offended by the gratuitous nudity and images of sexual perversion which has so upset them in the past few weeks. Images from Iraq will be delivered by approved channels such as CNN, Fox, and Universal." When quizzed about an apparent rift with the British administration over future withdrawal of troops, Rumsfeld added, "And Mel Gibson will be on hand for script and direction assistance."

Rappist rejects link to terror

A leading rap artist lashed out at implications his artform was linked to international terrorism today. Dr Brutaal, author of such hits as Shut yo Face, Bitch and Armed 2 da Teeth, was speaking after seeing images from the Iraqi prison scandal. "One of the guards there had written 'rappist' on one of the prisoners' legs." Brutaal told our reporter. "I think it's a fuckin' scandal, man. They're doin' all this faggoty shit with these guys, draggin' them around naked and shit. And then they go an' write 'rappist' on one of the fuckers. It's a disgrace to rap. An offence. Rap don't got nothing to do with that prison. Rappists, like turntablists and all that, are musicians. Not fuckin' terrorist fags. I think they must have meant somethin' else, man." Fr Antonio Silencio of the Trappist Brothers of the Quiet Life was contacted, but declined to comment.

Brown bullish about £1trillion debt

Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown has expressed his continued confidence in the British economy. The declaration came as it was announced that the total personal debt of the UK population had exceeded a trillion pounds sterling. Mr Brown said that the rise in borrowing was predictable and manageable, and that by prudent and careful repayment, borrowers would gain the full benefit of their decision. "All this borrowing puts more money into immediate circulation," said the Chancellor, "which stimulates economic growth. Inflation and unemployment are both low, which is a combination for which this government can claim responsibility. Continued borrowing will enable us to drive the country forward without a return to boom and bust." Mr Brown was speaking in the lobby of a private bank, during a week-long visit to the island of Bermuda.

McDonald's to support help for disabled children

Multi-national burger chain McDonald's today announced the creation of a large new charitable foundation to support disabled children. The fund, entitled the Ronald McDonald Mobility Assistance Trust, would be aimed primarily at developing and supplying motorised wheelchairs for children with mobility handicaps. A spokesman for the firm said that all kinds of mobility impairment would be considered. "We're looking at the whole range of movement disability. We would naturally want to help children with damaged or malformed limbs. But we'd also be more than willing to assist those who have become immobile due to obesity. Lots of recent research has shown that this condition is a growing difficulty for our children, and we think that the establishment of this new trust will go some way to addressing that issue." When asked if this was simply a ploy to keep children eating fatty food and leading sedentary, indoor lives, the spokesman denied it. "On the contrary. We're committed to outdoor lifestyles. In fact, once our scheme has started work in earnest, all our drive-thru restaurants will have a special wheelchair-height window."

UK 'not 51st State' - Powell

Following Secretary of State Colin Powell's recent application for a Scottish coat of arms, emphasising his British ancestry, there has been growing speculation that London's ties to Washington are to be strengthened. However, the Secretary of State was anxious today to quell speculation that a dramatic step was imminent. "I would just like to reassure those of you who have been concerned about this," he said. "There are no plans to make the United Kingdom into one or more new states. Quite aside from the problems of abolishing a monarchy which has kindly honored many of my colleagues - Tommy Franks most recently - and the obvious difficulties posed by the European Union, there are also domestic considerations. In order to add states to the Union, we would require two-thirds majorities in both houses of Congress, and three-quarters of the current states. I just don't think that would happen. For the time being, the United Kingdom will remain under direct federal administration."

Baby fed on lard explodes

There was revulsion in England today as a government report into growing childhood obesity (see McDonald's, above) made a shocking revelation. A baby aged just eleven months apparently exploded after achieving a weight of over half a ton. The mother, who has not been named, had apparently fed the baby nothing but lard due to a morbid horror of breastfeeding. Although the details are not altogether clear from the report, it seems that the mother, aged 17 and herself grossly overweight, had learned the idea of feeding a child lard from her own mother, who used the heavy fat as a butter substitute. A doctor who attended the scene of the ensuing disaster said that although the mother had been hit hard by debris, she had not changed her views on parenting, and intended to feed her next child lard too. "It was amazing. The little sod had gone off with such a bang, there was a crater in the floor. The mother was lying on a sofa, unable to stand, murmuring 'Would you like some dripping?' to herself." The government minister for food, Lord Asco of the Asco supermarket chain, was attending a meeting of the International Intensive Beef Production Forum, and could not be reached for comment as we went to press.

Arts section special: Britney's new, more mature style

By our Arts Correspondent:

Princess of pop Britney Spears granted me an exclusive interview this week to discuss the new style direction she has taken, marked by her forthcoming album release. Reclining in black satin underwear on a leather couch, she beckoned me sensuously into the room. As I sat down opposite her, she licked the tip of her forefinger.

"So, I hear you're moving towards a new, more mature style?" I asked as an opener.

"Yes, that's right," she said, running her wet finger down her cleavage. "I'm taking music seriously these days. You've seen the last of the schoolgirl Britney." As I prepared my next question, she unhooked her bra.

"So what have been the main influences on the new work?" I asked, a little nervously.

Before answering, she released her breasts from their confinement, discarding the bra over the arm of the couch. "I'd definitely have to say Beethoven," she began, tweaking her left nipple. "I was particularly affected by Für Elise. But you'll also notice some jazz material in there, and Baby Fuck Me One More Time has definite echoes of Mahler." With this revelation, she lay back, sliding her hands down across her bare torso.

"And what about the stage show? I've heard a rumour concerning baby oil." I felt nervous asking this, as she already seemed to be on her way to fulfilling the rumour before my eyes.

Sliding her hand into the front of her panties, she said "Well, I've been somewhat influenced by Salvador Dali in the creation of the new album's look and feel. The rear-view nude picture of me on the cover is based on one of his later landscapes. As for the stage show itself, it's something quite new, that hasn't been seen before. I don't want to give too many surprises away, but you'll see that I've recruited my male dancers for very specific reasons." Giggling, she peeled down her panties, revealing the smooth flesh beneath.

Blushing furiously, I continued. "Now it's, er, clear from this that the 'virign' Britney of a few years past has gone." I pressed on manfully with the script. "Do you still feel religion has a place in your life?"

Producing a large, black rubber dildo from the side of the chair, she rubbed it against her thighs as she considered the question. "I think you could say I've become more Catholic in my tastes. I found Christina Aguilera's recent performance as a nun very moving, for example. And as you may be aware, I've developed a great veneration of the Madonna."

As she arched her back and slid the plastic member into herself, I fled from the room, unable to take any more.

Britney Spears' new album, Uh, yes, harder, mmm is available from Monday at all branches of Ann Summers.

Apologies to the creators of Private Eye, Bremner, Bird and Fortune, and This is Spinal Tap for being so blatantly inspired by their work.

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