April 25, 2001

April 25 is a national holiday here in Italy. It's called "Festa della Liberazione" and it celebrates the end of WWII and the end of Fascism and Mussolini in Italy.

Because of this NL4e will not be around today. Please leave him a message... He will be celebrating with fireworks and having a 4th of July style picnik.

In other news NL4e misses his girlfriend very much. And he bought a bunch of Episode 1 Star Wars figures with the European packaging the other Saturday.

Other than that he's almost been in two fights this week - but the details have been sequestered.

I'm off to Atlanta tomorrow. It should be a good time. I am going for work, but I know these customers, they quit working at 5pm. So for the next two days, I'll get to do a little exploring of downtown.

I remembered this week that I had procrastinated about getting my inspection sticker. Now two months have gone by, and I am wondering if I will get it done this weekend, or if I will delay a little longer. I suppose there is a chance of being caught, ticketed, fined, blah blah blah, but...it is such a pain. Why do we need inspections anyhow? Just send us the tax bill and save us the headache.

Speaking of taxes, where is my refund? I am ready to spend!

There’s this girl, right. And she was admitted to hospital yesterday. Mum reckons what’s wrong is hardly life threatening, but still I am concerned for her. (Serious enough to need an operation, I think. But she’ll be out in a few days, probably.) She’s still there, as far as I know.

I’ve known her for a little while. First encountered her a few years back, but mainly the last four months or so have I communicated with her seriously. Gotten to know her via the ’net. I hope she won’t end up reading this—everything is not one of the websites that she frequents. I scribble a weblog elsewhere that she would read though.

Why should I not visit her today?

She will probably have her boyfriend with her all day. That’s why.

And if she doesn’t, there are hundreds of people that she knows that would visit her. Her sisters, parents, friends she’s known for years longer than me, work-mates, ex-boyfriends. The list continues. There’s no reason to think she’d want a visit from me.

Seems a good enough reason to not visit her too me. For some reason, the fact that she has a boyfriend affects me--I have a hard time coping.

I tried to ring her; she didn’t answer. Hello Mrs. Voicemail. The paranoid in me thinks she didn’t answer after seeing my number on caller-id.

I don’t know if she’d want me to visit unannounced. I would not like to get in the way.

The problem is that I tell myself that I care about her; I’ve even told her that I care. And I do care about her. I would not like to see her get into trouble.

She has said that I am a good friend. And she doesn’t mean it in the let's just be friends cliché.

There is a line, and I don't think I can stop myself from going over it. Thus, I must stay well clear of the line.

I would love to go over that line, but that just would not be right, so I cannot.

I am in danger of walking too close to that line; I must go back to what I know; back to my world of turing machines.

I am in danger of loving her.

I have felt your presence beside me as we grow old and watch the years go by. I have felt you as my partner down the path towards the end of our lives. We will always be more than friends if you let us. I don't know if we will ever be each others primary but we will be in love and eventually we will find a place where we can live within each others grasp.

You asked me if I was beginning to figure out how you fit into my life. I have sweetie. These are the glimpses I see. The form and character of our binding is fluid, and unknown to me but I see its presence. I taste its form.

And, this relationship, this romance, this falling in love with each other, it is different than any other one of mine. I have fallen hard and am holding myself back, to give you the space you need in your life, to allow you the time it will take for you to find the place in your life for me. I will wait, and smile, and occasionally cry, because this is no short movement. I have come in between breaks and the orchestra has many measures to go before intermission. But I don't mind; the conductor is beautiful to watch, and the music has already grabbed my heartstrings and pulled me into my seat.

I love you Deeahblita. I think I always will.

For the first time in my life, I got a compliment on my poetry from a complete stranger.
Katykeene, thank you.


I got an interesting phone call tonight, but first I need to tell a little tale, so that the weirdness of this situation can be fully understood by my fellow dayloggers.

About a year and a half ago, I was at my friend Rhys's house, him and I working on killing twelve guinesses between the two of us, while watching an Aeon Flux marathon. About four guinesses into our spree, the phone rings. Rhys's girlfriend informs him that whatever plans she had for the evening had fallen through, so she was on her way over (along with four of her friends).
Now, believe me when I say I don't really care for most of these girls... don't get me wrong, I like girls, but not these kind. Most of these people (I believe) are put on this planet to bother me.
Back to the story.
I decide that, in order to deal with these sudden plans, I must get very drunk. (Looking back, I don't know why I thought this, but it seemed just as good a reason as any.)
So the girls showed up and made us turn Aeon Flux off (by this time I was good and liquered up, and still had at least 2 or 3 guinesses left). The girls decend upon our nice evening like a tornado, and soon after their arrival, the hard liquer is broken out (a half empty fifth, plus one full fifth of Absolut Citron, and a half a bottle of cheap tequila).
Since these girls are of the annoying variety, they insist upon playing "drinking games" instead of just taking shots like normal people. At first I play along, but soon, things take a very interesting, and frightening turn.
Something started happening between a girl named Rachel and I. By "something" I mean, we started touching alot, just hands and arms (I'm not a hook-up kind of guy, so this was very very odd and uncomfortable for me). Next thing that happens is that she kisses me, and I kiss back, it only lasted about a second or two, but I insist that it's my bedtime, and I leave the room to avoid a "situation". (Plus, I was currently patching things up with a very special person, and I didn't want any bumps on that road.)
So I go into the guest bedroom, take off my shirt and begin to fall asleep, when this Rachel girl comes into the room, expecting... something... something that I wasn't into at all.
To make a long story short, she got naked, I pushed her away, she got out of bed (telling me she was "going to the bathroom") a few moments later and busted around my best friends house in a naked, drunken craze, and bruised herself all up, then puked all over Rhys' bed when they laid her down in there.

The next night, I get a phone call from the bitch and her friends telling me that I raped her (which I didn't do).
Basically, this night ruined my life for the next four or firve months, but demolishing any hopes of patching things up with my girlfriend, and making me a social retard for the longest time.

With that said, you can understand the fucked-up-ness of my current situation.
This Rachel girl just called me tonight and asked if I can talk to her sometime about Nick, my best friend, who she's been talking to and befriended about a year ago.
So we are going out tomorrow night.
Goddamn life deals some crazy situations.

Anyhow, since I've been complimented on my poetry recently, I'll put a little up here from my physical daylog.

Temple of lions,
holy ground,
your feet in the mud,
menacingly through the underbrush,
with just a brush against twigs and leaves,
And a sudden rush,
The air breathes you in
and exhales a new person.
Beneath the sun,
your logic superscedes nature,
brighter the day,
clearer your features.
Lips
Cheekbones
Open Eyes
In the mid morning light,
You're more awake than the altered night when you sit alone and re-read what you write.

Lamp posts stand abouve the outstreched parking lot, like fingertips of god, reaching down, preparing to strike, or else uproot the asphalt and concrete.

Wow, long daylog, when not all that much happened today.
Hope you enjoyed my little story, maybe it did someone some good. I'll be sure to post what the hell happens with Rachel.

it's a pretty strange feeling you get when you only went to bed at 5am last night (morning) and only slept for 3½ hours. it's some kind of tiredness. but not usual tiredness. right now i just feel sort of exhausted. my eyes are really sore and it would really be nice to go back to bed again and fall asleep and just dream away. but most of us humans have duties during the day that must be taken care of.

right now i don't go to school but i have to meet my doctor in about half-an-hour. mostly it feels so useless going there. all we do is sit and talk about the some old stuff and he doesn't give me any advice or anything. probably he wants me to ask him but it feels kind of, hm, pathetic to just throw myself down on my knees and beg "pleeeeeaaase, tell me how to feel!" right? you see, psychologists are strange people. mighty strange and annoying people. they ask you tons of questions that you cannot answer - or questions you need to think about for at least five minutes which is pretty embarrassing there right in front of somebody else. and when you try to figure out an answer they come with yet another question. and another. and another. it drives you nuts, i tell ya!

anyways, this is anyways how i feel before actually going there. when i'm there it's pretty ok to be able to talk to somebody about your problems (even if they are annoying little grey-haired men with worn-out tennis shoes)

sometimes we just sit quiet for a long time. he's waiting for me to say something but it's hard to come to a place when you're tired as hell and actually be forced to talk about your problems and emotions.

"well.. doctor.. i'm feeling tired today. what should i do with this strange emotion? it drives me insane!"

I feel so sad today. Last night after a long conversation with M., I realized that I have been holding both of us to a strict time-table of change. When we started dating again last January, things moved forward pretty fast. We found that we had never stopped loving each other. We both talked about marriage. Seriously discussing it. And then, in the few months after my grandmother died, things started falling apart for me. And any chance of carrying on a normal relationship ended for me. M. elected to support me, instead of leaving and going on with his life (maybe finding some one normal).

I have played out my attachment issues and abuse issues with him over this past year. Things inside have changed so fast and so permanently (it feels) that now I am already in the beginning phase of integration. Meanwhile, I have told him about some issues about himself that I don’t like and won’t accept in a “husband”. His progress in those areas has been almost nonexistent, and I have been feeling every week that I must make a decision about him, about us based on his progress. After all – I’m making significant progress with my issues! Why can’t he?

I finally realized that my timetable was about a year for both of us – a year for me to integrate my personalities and “be fixed”; a year for him to deal with his issues and get his shit together.

I think I really have to let go of the idea of marrying him for now. Otherwise, it will keep hanging over my head, bugging me until I really break up with him. Maybe that’s what I should do, but I suspect my therapist may be right – now is not the time to make any decisions. Hang in there with the ambivalence and ambiguity, and bask in his unconditional love.

And, since he's open to the idea, try and meet some bi-chicks and have some fun!

mmm, spring again...time to blow the dust off the suit jackets...

recovering from yesterday's bout of heatstroke, i woke up at about 7:30 this morning, wrote a speech on the applications of chaos theory in everyday life, and went back to sleep until 10:30. then i got up, feeling like hell, and threw on my purple corduroy suit, and went off to give the speech. thankfully, it went over better than a sack of leaden lentils.

so now, i'm at work, putting things in envelopes. wheee. more updates as the day continues.

so, no joke, there are protesters with a megaphone and drums outside my office. all i can make out is "...third world oppression...VP Julie Weaks...world bank". i think they'd be more effective if i could hear them over the drums.

Well life here at work has gotten really bad. As if it there is a irrestible urge for it to go from bad to worse. I was called into my Managers office by his boss at the directory level. I wondered what I had done wrong. Could it have been my attitude or lack of dressing in business formal attire for optional dress up Tuesdays? We had already had a BUNCH of financial adjustments and although I do good work the last one proved NOBODY is safe.

So what is it? Last week a Business developer had sent me an email regarding a staffing assignment. I replied asking a few questions. The overall message was done in a sarcastic joking manner.

For example "I know I talk gud and rite gud but many of the users are located in insert country name and I do not speak the language will this be a problem?"

I also said that I had assumed that he had gone through the appropriate channels before approaching me to avoid resource contention in our company. As it turns out his utilization of me during the time of the staffing assignment conflicted with a current project. Had he followed the process the entire situation would have been avoided.

Granted the Business developer is under immense pressure to gain business in this economic downturn. However my message in retrospect was questioned only because he did not see the humor in it and viewed my response as me thumbing my nose at his authority.

My immediate manager found the email hilarious and saw the humor in it. But to appease the people upstairs I sent a letter of apology and in the future phrase my correspondence a bit more carefully.

Grrr... I hate my network account. No matter how many times the guys at HQ try to fix it, they make it work once, and I have to wait until they got time again to fix it...

It seems that my account isn't releasing the connections it takes in when I login, so it thinks I'm still in the system and it doesn't let me get back in the next time I login.

And with me having a more important position in the company soon... i'm really going to start needing it working when I need it.

Ah hell with it, thats all I do anymore in my daily logs. Bitch Bitch Bitch... I'm starting to sound like my damn mom...
Biggs Out

Today my dad came by and picked me up.

It was weird because picked me up at 8:30 yet said nothing though. I asked him to let me drive and we got into the van and left. In the van we started talking about stupid little things that didnt really have anything to do with what I wanted to hear him say. Chris I miss you around the house But I doubt he would say it. I do wish he would have said something to me other than The girls miss you and your mom misses you as well but thats all he would say. We went to eat at the local Denny's and we talked a bit there. But not once did he mention anything about him missing me. We finished eating and left to Best Buy because he wanted to price computers. He has no computer at home seeing as how I have it here at my aunts I convinced him to buy one for himself and that was that. On the way back we stopped at a Whataburger and got something to drink. Clumsily I dropped my shake on the console in the van. Oh well

As I pulled into the drive way my dad said " You know maybe you should come back and stay at the house for a day y'know. For the girls sake." ARG...why wont he just come out and say he misses me. I agreed and said i'd think about it. With that we went our seperate ways.

I dont think I'll ever be able to understand my father. He has never shown me and direct affection. No hugs, no I love you son , nothing of the sort. But god dammit I wish he would. I hate him for not showing me anything like that.

On the lighter side.... I'm fixing to get a new monitor.....yippee!

A Tale of Two Days

I have had a rather interesting day. Let's start in the beginning with the good.

I woke up this morning with a rather daunting task ahead of me. I was going to go to the academic dean of my college and ask for nearly $1300. I had to pull out of a class due to health concerns and missed the cut off day by several weeks. I walked in and explained the situation, and also told him that my parents make enough money that I can't apply for financial aid, but they don't make enough so that tuition isn't a burden. He was very sympathetic and understanding; and lo and behold he said he would give me credit towards taking that class in the future. I told my advisor I was going to do this, and she commented that I had a "snowball's chance in Hell", of getting any part of the money back.

Next I cleared off my desk several other mundane administrative duties, and then went to check my mail. To my delight I found out that I got a B in my journalism class that I had been rushing around to complete last week.

---

Now the second part of the day. It basically came down to my housing at my college. The housing itself is ok, but I hate trying to figure out who to live with. I assumed (along with my American roommate) that we would continue to live with our two Irish friends who we have shared an apartment with this past year.

To our surprise, they wanted to change things. Namely, one of them wanted to knock me out of the equation and bring in someone new. Oh, and did I mention that I heard this for the first time, 30 minutes before housing contracts were due? From this I learned something important:

In a coup d'etat, it's always best to be in a position of knowledge.

To my American and other Irish roommates' credit, they didn't want any part of it. But nevertheless, I still don't know what I'm doing next year, and I'm getting a migraine. Not a good way to end an otherwise great day.