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Space Ghost Coast to Coast - Episode Guide
Season 6 - Episode 74 - First aired 8 October, 1999
Previous Episode - "Chambraigne" - Next Episode

Guests: Al Roker and Bob Costas
Written by: Matthew Maiellaro, Dave Willis, Jim Fortier, and Pete Smith

This episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast opens with a commercial...

[Calm nature footage is shown, while the NARRATOR speaks]
NARRATOR: Is your hair as dull and lifeless as your brain? Didn't work start at nine? Where's your shirt? Did you even remember to wear it? I know you. I use to be you. Until I discovered Chambraigne.
[Square containing NBC weatherman Al Roker moves across the screen, right to left]
AL ROKER: Shampoo for your hair, and your brain!

As the commercial continues, the narrator explains how Chambraigne works (it "travels down each follicle and bores into your skull, depositing magical knowledge crystals") while a computer-generated diagram shows the outline of a stomach being coated in a green fluid, similar to something one might see on a commercial for Pepto Bismol. Al Roker reappears after this, urging us all to lather our way to a new intelligence. Chambraigne is, indeed, the shampoo of kings. Made by Carl & Sons. Continued use may result in limb loss.

As the commercial ends, we see Space Ghost watching it on TV in his apartment. Space Ghost, voiced by George Lowe, believes every word the commercial's narrator just said "because it's exactly what [he] wanted to hear." Space Ghost orders many boxes of Chambraigne, soaking the top of his head (while still wearing his mask) in the bubbly "intellihancer."

The scene changes to a glowing planetoid covered in craters with a reddish pink toupee over its northern polar area. Cartoonish menancing music plays as the camera zooms in on the planetoid. The scene fades to somewhere inside the planetoid, where a knobless, metal door labeled "6A Carl & Sons" is seen. Inside, the floating, giant brains we shall soon see speak in the shadows:

CARL (larger brain): This a proud day for Carl & Sons, son. We've sold enough Chambraigne to purchase this... television.
[Opening sequence of Space Ghost Coast to Coast plays on the TV]
LITTLE CARL (smaller brain): [incoherent squeaking which sounds like sped-up speech but, upon slowing down the sound, is revealed to be nothing more than incoherent squeaking, save the last few words...] one day, daddy.
CARL: Yes huh. Fetch daddy his hard plastic eyes, so he can see the TV.
[LITTLE CARL goes flying off-screen with a weird yell, crashing into something we cannot see and fumbling around]
CARL: On the dresser! You an imbecile!

The scene changes to what's on the television: The beginning of Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Space Ghost has just appeared, standing in front of his desk, as he usually does after the opening sequence. Space Ghost launches into an improptu commercial for Chambraigne. Zorak, voiced by C. Martin Croker, claims Space Ghost has been brainwashed, to which Space Ghost responds "You're right it's a brainwash! And it's good for your hair too!" Space Ghost continues extolling Chambraigne, with Moltar (also voiced by C. Martin Croker) occasionally saying "Bob's here" during brief moments when Space Ghost pauses his promotion. Eventually, Space Ghost hears Moltar and goes to the desk. The guest monitor is lowered from the ceiling, displaying the visage of NBC sports commentator Bob Costas.

BOB COSTAS: Greetings, Space Ghost.
SPACE GHOST: Bob, for legal reasons beyond our control, and to honour the queen: Identify yourself... to me... the king.
BOB COSTAS: Bob Costas, NBC Sports. Hello, universe.
SPACE GHOST: Now, when you say "Bob Costas," what do you mean by that?
BOB COSTAS: You know, it's, it's uh, [now laughing while speaking] something I haven't given much thought to actually.
SPACE GHOST: Well I have. [points at BOB COSTAS] It's your name, Bob.
BOB COSTAS: Ye- Yeah...?
SPACE GHOST (thinking to himself): This shampoo is awesome.
ZORAK: Hey! Bob! Look at me!
BOB COSTAS (turning to look at Zorak): Yeah.
ZORAK: I'm burning a hole in your head with my mind.
[BOB COSTAS looks confused]
SPACE GHOST: Ha ha. What a sticky wicket! Zorak's mind is obviously too small. He has no hair. He can't make use of Chambraigne. It's like the domino theory of stupidity. Isn't that obvious to everyone?
[SPACE GHOST's right arm falls off]
SPACE GHOST: Oh dear.

While Space Ghost works to reattach his arm, Zorak and Bob Costas discuss Pete Rose not being allowed into the baseball Hall of Fame (for reasons relating to suspicion of him betting on games he would have been able to change the outcome of directly, though this isn't mentioned in the Space Ghost Coast to Coast episode). It's clear that Zorak knows what he's talking about here, as it is in the episode "Dimethylpyrimidinol Bisulfite" (during which he discusses hip-hop with Chuck D), but, like in "Dimethylpyrimidinol Bisulfite," is interrupted by Space Ghost (once he's reattached his arm) claiming Zorak is clueless as to the topic of discussion.

After getting Bob Costas' attention again, Space Ghost asks him what the difference between a "boont" and a "poont" is. Bob Costas thinks Space Ghost is talking about the difference between a bunt and a punt but Space Ghost corrects him, saying he's inquiring about "the boont. The French boont. Or... English. Whatever." Bob Costas attempts to speak but is interrupted by Space Ghost again:

BOB COSTAS: You know-
SPACE GHOST: You clearly have no idea what you're talking about, you handsome, sophisticated, hyper-intelligent, svelte, well-read, sparkling, salty, olive-complected, full-head-of-haired man!
BOB COSTAS (after a moment of awkward silence): Well you know you have to-
SPACE GHOST (standing up): I AM THE KING!
BOB COSTAS: Don't you feel special about that?
SPACE GHOST (thinking to himself): Bob smells like a chili dog. And his hair is huge! Could he be using Chambraigne? [View cuts to the image of Space Ghost on CARL and LITTLE CARL's television] Now with wiener scent.
CARL (now with bulbous plastic eyes attached to his frontal lobes): There is no wiener scent, you hooded buffoon!
LITTLE CARL (also now sporting bulbous eyes on his frontal lobes): Awww.
CARL: He's making a mockery of the product. You're making a mockery of the product!

The view returns to Bob Costas, confronting Space Ghost (now with the top of his head lathered in Chambraigne) about his insecurity over the hair of others. To distract Bob Costas from his inquiry, Space Ghost decides to show everyone his brain. Moltar, as commanded by Space Ghost, comes out to the set and begins heating up Space Ghost's skull. "Right now Moltar's heating up my skull to a scortching four hundred and fifty degrees. It's like getting a scalp massage, from Lucifer." Space Ghost ignores his brain's request that his head be put out. After some brief banter, Space Ghost's brains appear. Surprisingly, he really does have a large brain. Space Ghost's brain seems to take up almost the entire area covered by his black mask/hood. Triumphant-sounding trumpets play.

Space Ghost attempts to explain why he had his skull heated up to show off his brain but can't remember the point he was trying to make. Space Ghost flies off to douse his head in "the lake," while Bob Costas remarks how sad that was to Moltar. The view returns to Carl and Little Carl, distraught over the bad publicity Chambraigne has now received.

CARL: Sales will plummet! All because of this beef-witted klingon!
LITTLE CARL: Oh daddy!
CARL: Fetch Daddy his blue fright wig. I must be handsome when I unleash my rage.
[LITTLE CARL flies off the screen with a weird yell again, crashing into more off-screen objects]
CARL: It's on the dresser next to the keys, I've told you a million times!

Back at the studio, Space Ghost returns (his brain no longer visible and his skull no longer glowing red) and informs Moltar to flush the lake. Moltar exclaims they don't have a lake, to which Space Ghost responds "good work." Space Ghost addresses Bob Costas several times before finally beginning to ask him a question, only to find Zorak finishing his sentences for him ("We've been working together so long..."). To get out of this, Space Ghost mentions that he always says "SHOWER TIME!" when he's in the shower, which Zorak wouldn't know.

The scene changes to the surface of Carl & Sons' planetoid, as Carl, now sporting a huge blue wig in addition to his plastic eyes, and Little Carl, sporting (in addition to his eyes) a green baseball cap (which he's actually been wearing the whole time but was hard to see in the brains' shadowy apartment), rise up out of the ground. We now see the planetoid from space as the Carls move smoothly away from it and fly past the camera (complete with a sound not unlike that of an aircraft using a propeller).

Finally, Space Ghost gets back to asking Bob Costas "one more final question," which is "do you have the freedom to wear comfortable, open-toed shoes?" Bob Costas' response explains that while he could do such a thing, it would be inadvisable during a football game in Green Bay in December. Space Ghost replies to this statement by pointing out that "everyone knows Green Bay is not in December. You obviously don't shampoo." Space Ghost asks Bob Costas another "final question," which, in response to Bob Costas saying he thought the last question was the final question, is "Who told ya that?"

When Bob Costas doesn't respond, Space Ghost's mouth becomes enlarged and he attempts to pick a fight with the sportscaster. Bob Costas refuses to start a fight with Space Ghost, so our host turns to Zorak and attempts to start a fight with him. Zorak reacts with confusion while Bob Costas describes what's happening as though it were a sporting event. Eventually, without reason, Space Ghost blasts Zorak out of the studio into a hallway with his arm band lasers. Bob Costas tries to describe the feelings of superheroes but is interrupted when Space Ghost returns to his desk and cuts him off, then ordering him to kiss his ring (a ring appears on Space Ghost's left index finger). But just then, Carl and Little Carl appear in the studio in a climatic sequence of climatic proportions!

CARL: Silence!
[LITTLE CARL begins incoherently squeaking again]
CARL: Shut! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain, which is your body, right out of the top of your head, which does not exist!
[LITTLE CARL makes a sad and/or sickly squeaking moan]
ZORAK: That's some great hair.
CARL: Thanks it's not real.
SPACE GHOST: Welcome, fans.
CARL: We are far from fans. I am Carl. This is my son, Little Carl.
[LITTLE CARL begins incoherently squeaking again]
CARL: We're from Carl & Sons. We are both Carls. [turns to LITTLE CARL] Shut up. Shut up.
SPACE GHOST: Carl? And sons? What a coincidence! I buy my Chambraigne from them! It's shampoo for your brain.
CARL: Fool! We know what it is! We make it!
SPACE GHOST: You're the inventors of the specially-patented formula for intelligence?
CARL: It's only dishwasher liquid, you over-inflated gas-bag.
SPACE GHOST: Uh-huh. And the knowledge crystals?
CARL: [mockingly] "Uh-huh and the knowledge cryst-?" Aquarium gravel.
LITTLE CARL: Yeah! Aquarium gravel!
CARL: Shut!

Space Ghost tells Carl that he doesn't care how Chambraigne works, he just knows it does. Carl attempts to explain to Space Ghost that the feelings of increased intelligence are psychosomatic and that the product is a placebo. Confused, Space Ghost says that maybe he should shampoo again, which causes Carl to become enraged and fly into his face, screaming "No! Can you not comprehend that your ignorance will cause me to explode now?!" After his frustrated exclamation, Carl does, indeed, explode into a puff of smoke and Space Ghost's right arm once again falls off. The image appears on a live-action television set and is paused.

The camera then shows the cartoon Space Ghost standing in front of a live-action classroom filled with bored-looking students as he talks about the dangers of shampoo use. As Space Ghost is talking, his left arm falls off and the credits begin to roll, obscuring him and the classroom from view. Space Ghost continues talking, as though he's a guest speaker teaching kids to stay off drugs but instead of drugs it's shampoo and brains.

SPACE GHOST: Let's stop right there. If someone approached you about washing your hair, [SPACE GHOST's left arm falls off] what would you say to them? I'll tell you what you should say: You would say, 'Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need large brains to have a good time.' You wanna be groovy, huh? You wanna fit in? Wanna go to the big dance? Wanna be the king? You'll be the fool. Shampoo will play you for the fool!
FEMALE TEACHER: Okay, well, thank you for coming-
SPACE GHOST: Nna I'm not done. I'm serious. These brains: They're out there. And they're shining. With eyes of hard plastic. And blue hair... blue as the night!

Fin.

The names listed as voices in the credits, in addition to those already mentioned as the voices of Space Ghost, Zorak, and Moltar, are David Bennett, Dave Willis, Jim Fortier, and Bonnie Rosmarin. Bonnie Rosmarin, being the only female in the group, was undoubtedly the female teacher's voice at the end. The other three, though I'm not sure who is who, were the voices of the Chambraigne commercial's narrator, Carl, and Little Carl.

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