June 15, 2001

My roommate Dave has moved out. He is going back to his wife. This may sound good, but he is making a mistake. They are two people that just are not meant to be together. They want totally different things out of life. Dave stll wants to have his freedom, to go to parties, and play video games. While Michelle wants to stay home and have a family. But Dave is sterile so he will never be able to give her the children that she wants.

Neither one of them is even sexually attracted to the other one. They have both admitted this to me, (and even to each other). They are basically just two people who slept with each other at a party, and somehow that escalated into marriage. They have never been happy together since the day they met. They aren't even friends. Michelle is in love with the idea of being married, (and is afraid to be alone), but she doesn't really love Dave. Dave also does not love Michelle, he has grown attached to her, but he doesn't love her. He still loves his girlfriend from highschool, (but he doesn't love his wife).

Right now they are both blind to the fact that things are not just going to magically be O.K. Neither one can see that a relationship that isn't based on anything will never work. Michelle thinks that she can do something to either change Dave or change herself. By doing that she thinks that she will live happily ever after. Dave has simply become scared of being alone, (but he has no real interest in his wife). Michelle cannot see that Dave will never make a good husband to her because he is totally uninterested. Dave is happiest when Michelle is not around. He isn't mature enough to be a good husband to her. Not by a long shot. He is my best friend. But he just isn't ready to be married.

It makes me sad to see these two people that I care so much about make themselves so unhappy with each other. They are both wonderful people. I am sure there is someone perfect for each of them. Just not each other. It hurts me to see them separate, get back together, then separate again as soon as one of them realizes that there is just nothing between them. But what can I do, what can I say. I just don't know.

I've now finished my degree. I had my first and last exam at uni today, a prepared three question short essay deal, and it went okay. It was such an incredible feeling walking out of the room, knowing that I'd never have to do an exam again, or study, or hang around the library late on a Sunday afternoon waiting for the book I really really need for my assignment.

So now, I'm officially unemployed.

I do have my casual job (catering, waitressing, providing a high quality service and product for existing and potential customers) to fall back on, but you don't exactly finish a communications degree to be a caterer/ waitress. Well, maybe you do, but I didn't. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The party is shaping up well: 80s ahoy! A stereotyped theme, I know, but it's easy, so... meh. Jason bought a record player today for all our musical vinyl needs, and I went second hand clothes shopping for our outfits. Naturally I underestimated Jason's manly shape and got him acid washed jeans that don't do up around his waist... try again tomorrow, mella. I got a dahling (read: 80s Eurotrash) black and white gown with a HUGE black bow at the waist. Sexy, yes? Add that to a cream background with black zigzags and you've got a surefire bad taste winner.

We're going for a trashy 80s prom theme and are going all out with crepe paper streamers and a balloon arch. And black and white 80s style pictures for the walls and decorative record covers (such as Ghostbusters) for around the place. We have very few actual 80s records to listen to, however, as the Ghostbusters vinyl we bought had the wrong record in it: Bobby Darin's "18 Yellow Roses". Nice.

I haven't been noding lately as I've been busy with uni stuff (yeah, real busy, sure), but it'll start again soon. Oh yes, let the New Write-Ups be flooded with my inane chattering! Not really. Well, we'll see what I can come up with.

I need to spend some time away from E2

I have to admit I was spending much to much time on E2, taking it all too seriously and personally. In short it was turning me into an asshole. Believe it or not that is not my natural state. I am really a laid back guy IRL, yet my virtual persona was becoming a real pain.

Thanks to a good natured editor, I learned how repellant I was being. If he reads this (which I doubt), he will know who he is. Thanks, pal.

In truth, I don't know if I will ever get over being mad when a good writeup of mine gets nuked without warning or when I see a newbie get insulted or slammed. I need to learn that I have a sense of humor that not everyone appreciates. I need to learn that there is a reason things on E2 are the way they are, that what seems to me the wrath of the gods is their own separate issues made public. If a user of any rank is doing something I don't think is right, it is their problem, but it is my responsibility to not take it personally. The universe has a way of keeping things balanced.

I have issues of my own to work on. I will be absent from Everything2 for a while as I meditate on things. I may node a family recipe or two and check my inbox, but I am not going to get into the catbox or anything that 'rouses my ire.

If anyone wants to email me and learn the Whys and Wherefores, that's fine. Check my homenode for my address.

I learned something funny about the hopsital I work in yesterday.

Going along with the Joint Commission standards we are required to have monthly fire drills. With all the nurses knowing it's about time for the drill, they always tell the patients that it's only a drill, except for one area... the Psych ward. That is were they always call the Code Red at. No one in their right mind is ever up there other than visitors and nurses, but me and a co-worker just happened to get caught up there to behold the sight of a fire drill while it happened.

We were working on a PC at the nurses' station when they called it, and all of the sudden you hear every door swing wide open and all the people up there were running towards the only exit door screaming bloody murder. Before the nurses got it calmed down there were about 10 people piled up on the magnetic lock door trying to get out. One person was even trying to break out their window... on the 6th floor, to get out.

I don't know how those nurses kept a straight face while all this was happening, and I have to hand it to them for doing that, but me and my co-worker were rolling on the floor.

Now I mean no offence to the noders who might have a family member in the psych ward, but this was just too funny to pass up noding.

I haven't been interacting with people very much. Just my CV friends: M, B, R, and Z. Well, I've realized that I got along better with my old group of friends a lot better than I thought I did. I share a common interest with M, gaming. Although, he's into stuff like D&D and I like games like chess. B's smart, but he's kooky and he gets on my nerves sometimes. He likes to play devil's advocate, but when he does his arguments sound like jokes. I guess he likes to do both. He also doesn't treat everyone (including me) with respect which gets on my nerves. M does this very nicely, though.

B has excellent social skills when it comes to interacting with faculty and staff of the school, much better than mine at least. This I can learn from. But he doesn't have the same level of social skills when interacting with peers. I remember him practically begging Rebea to come to the lounge after the DC trip.

R (another one) and I are incompatible, really. We think on different levels and have different world views. Luckily we don't interact directly very much because we have both realized this. Z is a funny guy. There are some parts with him that I can't relate with (he's a romantic, and a D&D player), and some that I can (he's a guitar player).

I understand that I am nowhere near perfect. I am just saying that my interactions with this bunch are not fufilling as I wish they were. I crave witty, intelligent conversation. Something that I feel that I can't partake in anymore, not at least without practice. My old group would definitely set the stage for that.

I've been interacting with myself, recently. Who needs other people when you can lie in bed and dream up your old worlds? It's fun, but it's dangerous. It's an internal feedback loop and leads to nonsensical thoughts. This week, I keep imagining a good deal of a relationship that would never even begin. (Me serenading her at b-don's BBQ

My goal is to live on campus and I'm not working toward it. Literally.. I am unemployed. My more immediate goal is to stay at home and learn how to play the guitar. It has been quite fun and rewarding for me. I enjoy this. And I need this.

Being alone might be comforting, but it's not very rewarding.

a funny thing happened today.....
I got to work early, it seemed like a good day for it. Then it happened, I got fired. My software testing position that had punctured my body and slowly drained my life away is no more. I'm happy, I generally stay quite positive, but today it's different. Really. As I drove home I stopped at the local Bluebonnet Mart. The clerk who sold me orange juice earlier, seemed a little shocked when I placed a six pack of Red Stripe on the counter at 10:15. I've always resisted structure, the whole suppressing idea makes me squirm. Being born outside of the box hasn't paid off in my life. But the pressure that has pushed down on my shoulders for the last nine months is gone. A rebirth, if you will, came to me as a SUV cut me off on the way home. As I drove past, I waved at them, genuinely.

For those of you who have messaged me about my outlooks and writing style, it's about to explode. I'll have to get another job, but the time in between will not be wasted. I made the call, I'll be back on the dole for a while. Pen, paper, and everything aren't prepared for the things I am planning. The sun is hot, my mentality on point, and I, Suckapant, am ready to embrace the sticky, beautiful idea of life.

One

Has it been two weeks? I don’t know where they went, anymore. Perhaps a few days passing, but not half a moon.

I can’t tell if my quality-of-life is fluctuating, or just my moods. I’m content at the moment, not without wanting, but happy. The world is warm, and there’s some simple joy to be found in cola, cold pizza, and a cigarette. Jes and I are not at odds, there is no looming crisis.

And yet I feel it will not last. I can hardly help but blame myself.

It is that scene in a movie where there is a beat, a breath, and green grass. It is nearing dusk, and night has not yet fallen.

I will hold the sun in the sky, if I must.

Even with blistered skin and blackened bones, I would give all my possessions for another moment of this.

Short, sweet, to the point. Last night I finally got word from my publisher that they loved the RPG adventure I sent them and, aside from one or two things, it is now being sent straight to their playtesters :-)

Going to do the happy dance now.

Yea, I'm going off on a little rant/prediction here that'll probably get me in a lotta trouble, but, tonight the Philadelphia 76ers play the Los Angeles Lakers in the 5th game of a best of 7 series, for the N.B.A. Championship, with the Lakers leading three games to one.

I was hoping the 76ers would have had a better chance than they seem to have, but basically what they have is Allen Iverson and it just isn't enough. The Lakers have a full boat, including the dominating Shaquille O'Neal and the Jordanesque like Kobe Bryant. And, if the Lakers win tonight they win the N.B.A. Championship, and they should win. They are the better team.

But they won't! And the reason is: they don't want to..they will not put forth their best effort and the 76ers will. The Lakers don't want to win in Philadelphia; they want to win before their fans in L.A., so unless the 76ers fail miserably tonight, the games will return to L.A. on Sunday, where both Los Angeles and NBC will be more than happy.

And don't get me wrong, I've really enjoyed watching Allen Iverson play; nobody has more heart or more talent..he just needs a little more help than he's got.

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Now I could be wrong, I was once before..

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well, it's halftime..my prediction's in trouble and the west coast L.A. fans are on line 'cause I'm getting downvoted..woe is me..

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Congratulations to the 2001 N.B.A. Champs, The Los Angeles Lakers

What a day. First some background. Two days ago I had my first success. I biked over 100 kilometres in like 5 hours (bike people, which I am not, will scoff at how far that is and I could have gone further for sure but it was a barrier I needed to cross and I was proud). I got into La Have got the key to my aunts cottage and passed out in the tub. Bicycling, even far distances, doesn’t feel hard but at the end of the day you konk out. I was feeling like finally I was in the shape I needed to start making real ground. Nova Scotia was my mussel. Next day I biked into a Blue Rocks or High Rocks or something like that to pick up some spare inner tubes because I was going bike into this big remote National Park that was about 80 kilometers away but had only three towns on the way and in Nova Scotia a town can easily be and often is five houses. I didn’t want to get a busted inner tube and be fucked. Got the tubes camped out at Russel Provincial Park about 6k from La Have. Beautiful Night. Today. Today I got up pretty early and decided to put off the Park in favour of going back to my parents empty, which is rare, summer home to get in a couple solid days of chess. Same trip as two days ago minus 6k. No problem. I booted it to Liverpool, about 2/3 of the way, got there at like 11:45. Ate two turkey sandwiches and a donut and drank tonnes of water. It was hot all morning so I drank a whole bunch (I had two packets of oatmeal and a health bar for breakfast). At 12:15 a man says to me loudly “If my wife is keeping you up just tell me and I will get her to quiet down”. I think how that is kinda sexist then I realize I had passed out at Tim Hortons. This made me a little nervous so I drank more water and relaxed a bit. The Radio guy goes “If you can leave work early and go to beach today is the day. It’s 31 degrees out.” I get on my bike and go. After a bit I notice my arms and hands, which, with my face, I lotion about three times more then the rest of my body, are burned. I start getting nervous even though my body feels like it has plenty of energy and strength. I feel something is wrong. Im very hot. The headache I had in the morning is now a cap of pain attached to my head. My mind starts eating itself. I start telling myself something is wrong and then berating myself for being a pussy. I start having little hallucinations. A black streak. A person mowing there lawn that is really a well. A dog barks and I freak. Finally I say to my self “Jacob your young your full of food and water and everything is fine” Then I hear a horn blast and realize i've drifted to other side of the road. In the corner of my eye I see (I only saw the panniers, leg and shoe but I knew the rest was there) a biker who is in all black, with no skin showing. Like some sort of devil touring bicyclist. I get off the road. I go into some sort of seafood thing (It’s a bit of a blur now) and ask to use the rest room. The woman walks me there. I look at my face and its dark red. I touch it and it goes super white and then dark red. It dawns on me that I have really bad heat stroke. I splash tonnes of water on my face. My eyes are red and weird. Try and pee but I cant which strikes me as peculiar. I walk out and ask if I may sit for a moment, a little too much sun I explain. She doesn’t even look at me. I sit. Two guys start chatting with me. Wouldn’t want to be out in this sun. Do you have any water with you? It’s a little beyond water now I explain. I know Im not to far from a place called the Quarterdeck. Figure I will try out my legs. It takes for ever to get there and there is no shade anywhere along the way. I just need a piece of shade so I can pass out wake up and finish the ride. If I can get shade and sleep I will be back in order. I sit in tiny slice of shade of cast by the quarter deck sign for like 15 minutes when this short short woman, no more then 5 feet, walks in from the road with an old old red bicycle (during the conversation she tells me its 17 years old) and full packs. She must be late 50 early 60. We start chatting. This woman is a dream. She is all stout and friendly and looks you in eye and is self-effacing, which I am and love. She explains how to bike ride to me. How she putters along. Best time to ride is 4-9 in the evening. talks about how independence and constantly challenging your self is the only way to live. She talks to me for about 30 minutes and keeps smiling and putting love in me. Tells me about biking in Ireland and hitchhiking through Australia. About how she is on this trip to lose the weight she gained after the change. Her name was Shirley and she kept using my name while we spoke. I loved her. I wanted to ask her to come back with me to Port Joli but I couldn’t find the words. She says she must be going and I tell she is angel and then she smiles and says +Sometimes I Am+ and bikes off.

I still had 15-20 kilometres to go. With the angle in my mind I knew I could do it. I got more water at a gas station and headed out. Ten minutes later I was boiling again and now I was on a highway. I got worried and frantically looked for shade but there was none. I walked every hill and glided down the other side. After a bit more time cooking in the sun I tried to get off my bike and fell into a ditch. I layed there for a second and then realized what had happened and that I was still cooking in the sun. Then I noticed I had tick sucking my blood. You can’t flick a big tick off you have to pull it out of you. I pulled four off of me got up and pulled another two off once I was on my bike. I hobbled home walking and gliding the rest of the way, defeated.

Today sorta flew by. My madness is my only clue. Drank loads of water today and ate food from White Castle. Which seems almost grosser than gross in hindsight. Worked more on getting my SunBlade usable. It's funny how much the GNU and XFree86 parts of Linux really spoiled me. I guess I should be used to everything being so crappy, but whatever. Everything seems hidden and obscure when you're new to it. Compiling vim at the moment... typing this via lynx on my old happy go lucky linux box via ssh. Oh Joy.

I'm a Ham Radio operator, and I dug out my radio to get back on the air. Unfortunately, I discovered it died during the move from San Diego to Colorado. Nothing like looking at a dead $2500 radio to make your day. Digging around inside, it appears that a screw fell inside the unit and shorted out the microprocessor board. Since I don't have a spare $300 to get a new one, I'm trading it in to get a new radio (that isn't in the same class as the old one, unfortunately). An even trade for a $1300 radio, an Icom IC-746, was sought and found. All I have to do is cover shipping my old rig out.

At least my computers are workin.....bZZZZZaP!

Today would have been her 23rd birthday.

I called her mom to tell her I was thinking of her ... I'm always thinking about her. She said thank you, and that she really appreciated me remembering, and then she got real quiet and had to get off of the phone.

It's hard. It's been just over a year now since my best friend in the whole fucking world died ... I dreamt about her last night. She was playing volleyball in heaven in a huge stadium with thousands of screaming, smiling people and kids. She was wearing her college jersey.

Sometimes I think I've moved on, that I've made my peace and grieved enough, and that I'm okay with just having her spirit around ... just having her as my guardian angel. But then there are days like today when her memory is so intense and her feeling so strong that every time I think about her my eyes well up with tears and I get this knot in my stomach that just won't go away and it gets hard to breathe ... just like right now.

Damn it, Jen. I miss you so much.