I've never written a
daylog before, so forgive me in advance if this is either not the appropriate
space for the following thoughts or if they are too lengthy.
It's been almost exactly two years since my
break-up with my
first girlfriend. It ended in about
the same way it began, 6 months earlier. Very, very strangely. Two and a half years ago, I was at a
very odd point in my life,
confused and
depressed. Being an
army brat (or in this case,
Coast
Guard), I had moved to a different part of the country every 2 or 3 years, and so I never really made
friends, and had never really been managed to talk to
girls. However, I had met someone at my
high
school (which I despised, the school that is) that I liked, but I wasn't really sure how to approach
her.
After giving the matter considerable time to sort itself out inside of me, it failed to do so, and so I
turned to
angst. I am not, for the record, an
outgoing person. I am the person in the
dark
corner who everyone ignores, and who you'd swear doesn't even have a tongue, because you've never heard
him talk. So, with considerable
hamfisting, I finally managed to tell her, over
AIM, that "I
loved her." This was probably the worst possible thing I could have done. I didn't have the
slightest fucking
clue what love was. Up until that point, she had been reasonably good friends, and
by that, I mean that she talked to me from time to time. She never said two words when one would do,
after that
incident.
This caused a lot of
depression on my part, and my thoughts strayed to
suicide. I had no idea what
to do, and my
parents, completely
oblivious to it all, were no help. So at the winter
play for my
school, where I was the
lighting technician, I was sitting backstage one day, wishing that someone
would talk to me, but too bitter and afraid to talk to anyone on my own. A girl who I didn't really
know, didn't want to know, came over and talked to me for a little bit. Jessica. This began a strange
relationship that her parents refused to admit existed (because they were
fascist overlords of her
life and hated me) and that my parents didn't know was happening.
Over the course of the next 6 months, we had one of the
strangest relationships ever, and I can say
this with
confidence, despite never having had a
relationship before or after that. We never went
on a
date alone, as her
mother followed us everywhere. About the only place we ever had alone was
the school
library, because the librarian was out on
maternity leave. During that time, our
relationship quickly lost any semblance of being anything other than "
friends with benefits" only
without the "friends" part. We were people who knew each other who, for an hour or so a day, would hide
out in one of the upper rooms of the library and
make out. We barely knew each other, each of us
hated what the other liked.
So, it wasn't much of a suprise that 6 months after it began, she informed me that she had been
"
cheating" on me. I didn't give a
flying fuck, as she was leaving for college, and I was entering
my senior year of high school and learning more about
computers than I had ever known existed.
Flash forward to the present. I still haven't had a
girlfriend since then, and have only had one
female friend, who lives a thousand miles away and I know mostly
online. Two weeks ago, I started
work at the OSC (a
Coast Guard computer center) as a college
intern. I love my job, I spend all day
long playing with expensive computers as a
system administrator and
network security administrator.
So, as part of the
SA portion of my job, when a new intern needed a computer, I went to deliver it.
This is where I met Melanie, a girl who shattered every view that I ever had held about girls.
She is smart, more so than anyone I've ever met. While I was setting up her computer, putting it on the
network, configuring it for her use, we talked. For once in my life, I was not
nervous when talking
to a girl, I did not
stutter, I did not make an ass of myself and then become bitter and leave.
Without realizing it, I started talking about computers, only to learn that she was a
Compsci major,
loved computers, had
overclocked her computers at home, and so much more. My jaw must have dropped at
that point.
Over the following two weeks, we've become friends, spending hours upon hours a day talking to each
other, both over
IM and in person, and I've attempted to
flirt with her (with the guidance of the
aforementioned female friend), and she's caught on and (given the fact that she isn't running away from
me) accepted it.
However, now I am once again reduced to angst. I
like this girl, a lot. I know far too little to say
love, nor would I if I did. The problem is that I have reverted to being afraid. In my first
relationship, there was no gradual
dating process or anything like that. One day, out of the blue,
it happened. Now that I'm attempting to
woo her, I no longer know what to do. I don't want to be
seen as
obsessing over her (something that my
best friend and college roommate
jokes with me considerably about), but I want to convey to her the fact that I would like to date her,
and that my interest in her is far more than just her looks, but her
mind as well.
Apologies for the above ranting, but I needed a place to write this out, and perhaps gain feedback.