Here's the stuff we found when you searched for "Who the hell would jack off on Christmas Eve! Don't you have any respect for Jesus"

• Bernie would have won "ANY BREAKFAST BAGEL SANDWICH" at McDonald's
• Dogs are for wimps who don't have the guts to bite people themselves
• To a Poet, who would have me Praise certain Bad Poets, Imitators of His and Mine
• I don't have any secrets. Now ask me if I have any lies.
• We don't have time for this. None of us have time for any of this.
• For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night.
• The Story of Augustus who not have any Soup
• The ones with their priorities straight don't know how to get what they want, and the ones who get what they want have messed up priorities.
• Having an S on a transcript rather than a B
• Who Would Jesus Bomb?
• Guys who don't tell you they have a girlfriend
• Badgers? We ain't got no badgers. We don't need no badgers. I don't have to show you any stinking badgers!
• Jesus loves you so I don't have to
• i call my phone and i check my messages, but i don't have any messages
• You don't have any real problems
• WE DON'T HAVE STARBUCKS ASSHOLE
• I don't want to risk endangering the cheap, meaningless sex we have
• Why don't you just rip my heart out, it would be quicker and less painful
• Songs Hazelnut Listened To So You Don't Have To
• In years past I have not enjoyed Christmas time
• Thank god I don't have to make my living passing out bogus petitions
• I don't have a life; Everyone else wants to live my life for me
• you have ghosts. where are they? are they so deep that the light cannot reach them? is there any such place?
• don't trust a teacher who only takes on the brightest pupils. to find the sun in a stone, now, that takes true skill.
• Don't ever lie. If you lie to your friends, they won't trust you, and you'll have nothing, and you'll never be safe.
• The tattoo phenomenon
• Capitalize, please
• Baptist jokes
• Stoned music memories
• E2 FAQ: Why Don't I Have Votes Today? (node_forward)
• Women who don't realize they're pregnant until they give birth
• There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how
• Our Father Christmas, who art at the North Pole
• My finger can point to the moon, but my finger is not the moon. You don't have to become my finger, nor do you have to worship my finger. You have to forget my finger, and look at where it is pointing.
• Why don't urinals have stalls?
• You don't even have a chance of being happy if you can't let shit go.
• If this were in person, I would have kissed her now
• Have you found Jesus?
• You don't have to catch me. You don't need to bring me back.
• So this is Christmas. And what have you done?
• Don't meddle in that which you have no desire to understand
• You Don't Know Jack
• You need a license to have a dog, but any idiot can have a child
• I have dreadlocks and I don't know where the pot is
• Cats don't have brakes
• I Don't Need to Have Children, I Date Them
• These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
• I would kiss you, but I don't know how to kiss
• I don't have a postmodern condition; I've always been like this
• I don't think I would want to date her now, anyway
• Christmas Eve on Sesame Street
• Life is like a strange, unpopular restaraunt filled with odd waiters who give you things you never asked for and don't always like.
• I would like to return this bread because I don't like it
• Any woman who thinks she is pro-life should ask herself
• Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more
• We don't have time. Not like they do.
• Of course they want to come here. Who doesn't? Besides the people from Los Angeles, but we don't speak of them.
• You Don't Have To Say You Love Me
• i always want to go back. but i don't know if it's time yet. i have some things i have to do.
• you don't have to erase it, you just have to let it go
• Nodes your Grandma would have liked
• Know your pets
• Does war have any redeeming features?
• i am a seedling. i don't even understand how much i have yet to learn.
• Don't patronize anyone who temporarily rents a store
• A rose by any other name would smell as sweet
• Any sufficiently nice person is indistinguishable from someone who likes you
• The Girl Who Talked Like Edward G. Robinson-A Christmas Tale
• On my honor, I have not violated the honor code in any way on this work.
• I would love for you to come to me with Christmas lights around your head, late night like a ghost
• People who don't capitalize their I's
• The difference between reply and reply to all
• Ernie and Bert are not gay. They're puppets. They don't even have legs.
• Never imagine you have any idea what you're attracted to
• We read your mail so you don't have to
• I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.
• If you don't know where you're going, any path will take you there
• Archived E2 FAQ: Why Don't I Have Votes Today? (document)
• I have a punklin and you don't
• Don't feel comfortable with girls? Have a daughter.
• People on the dance floor who don't dance
• The problem with having parents who don't fully understand computers
• So you don't have to
• Girls who go home with you when they don't even know your name
• The mighty have fallen, and I don't feel too good myself
• Dogs don't have souls, so it doesn't matter
• Relax. Don't worry. Have a homebrew.
• 100% of people who don't smoke, die
• You don't need to pay us to respect the Deus
• I don't have a soul. But something still hurts.
• I don't care. I like who I am because of it.
• I have a Shaymus and you don't.
• Car commercials that won't let you have any fun
• If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about answers.
• How to lose your temper, your job and any last traces of respect for Management
• One of the dangers of necromancy is you don't really know who's on the other side or what they're going to give you in return.
• Books Hazelnut Read So You Don't Have To (category)
• "Of course humans aren't intelligent. They don't even have glurbleflukers. If you can't glurblefluke, you're not sentient."
• If you don't know how to make a mu, you have no business measuring quantities that small.
• If we ran this back an infinite number of times across infinite existences our souls would still never connect, so don't regret.
• Take it til you make it, break it if you have to, but don't ever fake it.
• My soul is in a million pieces. I tried to collect most of them, but some are missing, and the ones I have don't fit together anymore. Feel free to take a piece or two.
• I don't have the time
• I'm scared. I don't have a name.
• if you don't have anything nice to say, a rose still smells as sweet
• You haven't seen it and you don't understand. I have malice. I have cruelty. The little fire that's always been inside me isn't so little anymore.
• they tell you to be your true self. to never give up on who you are. they don't know who i am.
• you don't have to do this
• We don't have what we need because we can't stop wanting
• I know who goes to that group, and that's why I don't go
• A letter to those who have impressed me
• Did Adam and Eve Have Navels?
• Who needs another person when you have yourself?
• The terrorists have already won "ANY BREAKFAST BAGEL SANDWICH" at McDonald's!
• you don't have to eat your dinner but you pay for your plate
• I really miss the woman who told me that people don't like me
• People who don't read
• Christmas Eve
• Christmas Eve / Sarajevo 12-24
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
• I don't know what Christmas means anymore
• Don't force your Christmas philosophy on me
• Christmas in Hell
• Who Is Stealing the 12 Days of Christmas?
• Christmas Eve Procession of the Virgin at Taos Pueblo
• Christmas Eve, 1996
• I don't have a thing to wear!
• People who don't smoke will never die
• I don't have a television set
• You do realize that this is not, in any meaningful sense, a martini, don't you?
• Baptist fear of dancing
• One Christmas Eve at Evergreen Mall
• Do not have sex with horses. Seriously, don't.
• I don't have a problem with Biblical Literalism, it's Christians I can't stand
• If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything
• I don't have a problem with Christians, it's Biblical Literalism I can't stand
• Would you really feel any pity if one of those dots stopped moving forever?
• Come back safe; we don't want any dead heroes in this family
• Being solicited for sex by people who don't even know your gender
• World, take care of me. You don't owe it to me, but I don't know any better.
• i don't like christmas
• You don't have to be a vegetarian to like vegetarian food
• Don't take any guff from those swine
• I don't know who Amber is, but she's got a stalker
• A reason to drink
• Don't blame Eve, she's just a rib
• Questions for those who don't like capitalism
• If I was any good at this, I would be getting paid
• those who don't fit into the herd are always recognized
• When you have a trip planned, but don't go, you need to cancel your reservations
• You Don't Know Jack 5th Dementia
• because I have given up any care
• 2001: Why don't we have HAL?
• Actors who don't speak the language of the movie they're in
• And that's why we don't have sex in the nose
• You don't know what you have until it's gone
• If I don't care, I don't have to hurt
• You make yourself lonely even though you don't have to
• If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?
• If you don't play pinochle, you must have married in
• You don't have to remember my name
• Who i think about when i dont want to smile
• or maybe a calm voice, that accent you don't think you have
• Why don't I have votes today?
• Reason #57 Why I Don't Have Children
• No, I don't have channel 11
• people who don't exist
• We're blind. We're mortal. We don't know what the hell we're doing.
• I don't even have the energy to kill myself
• How to scare the Hell out of a Lexus driver, or: Don't take sharp corners at 50mph in the rain
• I am letting myself down so you don't have to
• A lot of houses don't even have anyone to board them up.
• If Christianity were true, why would there still be any Jews?

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