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Finially made it out of the south. Been in Long Island for 6 hours now, halfway moved into the apartment (the place is huge, should be for the money it costs) Unsure of the bday plans (27 on June 26th) Was supposed to be in BaltyMore, but that's up in the air. DSL line is to be turned on in a few days, that shall be fun. It feels like a new beginning, and as much as I've left behind in Florida, I feel optimistic of this move. Alone again.

The week spent back home in Woodstock, CT, was fast. Helped and old DJ friend set up a new club in Worcester, Massachusetts. Nice system, 4 intelligent lights, fog machine, 2 cerwin vega earthquake subs, 2500 watts of power. Looks nice, the place was packed (all he plays is crap house and Hip hop. Sucky music, but was cool to play with club sound again.

Worked for the father unit for a day for some cash, went to an auction preview afterwards. All the stuff I can't afford and dont have the room for, nice to dream tho. Seems like life right now is all dreams, and possibilities, and regrets. Too many of those. Where are you, my evil? twin.

And all this churns within this tired head.

Broke my right hand yesterday. Really just the pinky knuckle. Had 3 hours of pain wracked sleep. Taught that piece of 1/4 inch slate who was boss though. It was.

I got a call tonight at around ten o'clock, which surprised me since none of my friends ever calls just to talk and it seemed late to arrange some sort of activity. Well, I was wrong. It was a friend arranging an activity... one that sounded rather dubious to me.

This guy's plan was for both of us to go to a mutual friend's house and just hang out with her for a couple of hours. He mentioned a couple of other people that he had talked to about this, but it seemed unlikely that they would come.

This sounds perfectly innocuous, but the thing is, these two had an interesting situation. Though both are involved in long distance relationships, they have recently started a habit of indulging in kissing sessions. Therefore I had to leave at a pre-arranged time (I asked the guy whether I would get in the way, and he suggested the early departure) so they could have a chance to lip-lock a bit.

I still maintain that I am a damn good friend, and underappreciated at that.

At first today was a good day, I walked to the library to pick up some videos. The day was beautiful and it made the walk spectacualar. My sister was gone all day and night so the day was even better. I was suppposed to go out with friends, but I ended up locking myself out of the house. When I finally got back in it was too late to go out. So I wrote psydereal an email to tell her how sad I was. She called, and it just made my evening. We sat around talking on the phone for like two hours. My sister is going to get this huge phone bill, but I don't care. I was drunk, and so was she. We just talked and talked. I just get the feeling that even if she doesn't understand my problems, she'll at least listen to me blabber about them. She doesn't offer up meaningless advice like many people do, she just listens. I know I can't solve her problems either, but I just listen. Sometimes thats all that matters, to have someone to listen to your problems.

I think I may have found a new definition of bad luck at the bar tonight.

I met someone. He's really cool. He's an outdoorsy kinda person, very much into hiking and beaches and rollerblading. We had a three hour conversation at the bar, with the music blaring and people interupting us. At the end of the night, he asked for my phone number and email address.

I had decided that I was going to find a someone to be my new exboyfriend. Someone interesting, but not all that interesting. A nice fling for the summer. It was going to be tonight. Last night, things were bad at the bar. Tonight, things were going to be better. I almost wish they hadn't been.

Sadly, predictably, as if the universe had planned it, I found out his age. He's nineteen (which is probably too young for my twenty five). He's still in high school too, and (as if the universe hadn't been sadistic enough) he already has a boyfriend. They met a week ago. I think I'm going to give up and be single for the rest of my life.

Two days.

I've been here for two days now. Somehow I haven't been doing anything else anymore than wandering around here since I discovered E2. Writing, reading, writing, reading.

I ask myself: why?

I actually don't like writing in English. Well, I do, but it frustrates me. Dutch is my mother tongue. Some professors at University compared my writing style to that of H.J.A. Hofland. You probably don't know this excellent journalist, but take it from me: he's good. I cannot be an H.J.A. Hofland in English. Why isn't there an E2 in Dutch? OK, I get it, it would be easy for me, but no-one would be there to read it.

So I write in a conservative style now.

Instead, I dug up another quality. I'm a production writer. If I'm on a roll, I keep writing and writing and writing. Hell, I'm ambitious and competitive too. I want to grab those thirteen levels as quick as possible! Maybe my experience to node ratio will be not as high as I would like it to be, but who cares? I don't.

In fact I do... Why? And what can I do?

Bean is home.

I went to a friend's house yesterday around nine o'clock, expecting to find a small number of cars gathered around the driveway and perhaps a keg or two gracing the kitchen counter. Instead I found dozens of cars lining the street and a full bar spreding from the dining room, through the living room, and then back again.

Everyone had been drinking since four. I was a little behind.

I found Bobby and congratulated him on his graduation (he, in turn, congratulated me on mine). His eyelids were sagging, he was stumbling about, and his pupils were the size of pennies. He tried to give me a shot of vodka, but I declined. Puking is not a fun activity, and that is the unavoidable result of any alcohol intake into my body. It's quite violent, actually.

There was a little asian girl running throughout the house. She was the child of one of the partiers. Interesting. I was one of the few white people present, but I have become used to filling the minority role these days.

Jessica and I managed to place a bottle cap on top of the nose of a stuffed deer above the stairs. We debated whether or not to tell Bobby, seeing as how it was almost impossible to see and we were sure his parents would never notice. I think he ended up spotting it, and laughed for a few minutes before saying it could stay put.

David, a very gay and very ex-friend of my brother, was in need of some coke to mix with his fifth of something, but he was too drunk to drive about town looking for some. Seeing as how I was one of the few sober people present, I volunteered to drive him. We talked about clothes shopping at Banana Republic and various other issues. He's a very sweet guy. I asked what happened between him and my brother that made them stop being friends - he said it was a long story, but he'd give me the short version. A few months ago, David had tried to get it on with Adam (my bro) and had been violently rejected. My brother is a notorious homophobic, and yet he seems to be friends with a large number of gay people. Go figure.

I somehow got sucked into a game of I've Never going on in the basement. Someone handed me a cup full of what I assume was rubbing alcohol by the smell, and the taste. Whatever's clever. I surrendered my will to keep breakfast and lunch down, and started drinking little sips when I had to. You learn some interesting things while playing this particular game with people. The subject almost always turned towards sex, and I was surprised at how many people drank to a number of surprising acts.

Bobby bumped another pill and was soon singing along with a DVD of his personal goddess, Brittney Spears. He even had a microphone hooked up to his massive entertainment center, blasting his voice through a dozen speakers throughout the room. It was hilarious.

I left around three, not having dranken enough to impare my driving skills. I went over to Aaron's house where I promptly fell asleep on the couch.

I woke up around noon and headed home to change. I hadn't been home for more than half an hour when my dad walked in, carrying my most precious possession in the world - Bean. He was home from the vet after going there last friday night for acute care. He has an armload of medicine to take, but whatever makes him better I am willing to force into him. I actually cried yesterday because I thought I saw Bean out of the corner of my eye laying next to the slider. It was just a pair of shoes.

Thanks to all of you who have kept Bean in your thoughts, and for the support you've offered his slightly frazzled owner in her time of distress these past few days. I'll keep you all updated on his progress!

Ahh, what a beautiful day to go driving. Went up to Door County(the self proclaimed Provincetown of the Midwest; I disagree, but I tangent). The cherry trees are starting to bloom, so the air had an ethereal quality to it. I was feeling jubilant, so I stopped along the highway, exited my car, and carwheeled in a cherry field for a few minutes.

I stopped in Sister Bay and checked out some shops; found a present for a birthday party I am going to later this evening. While shopping, I discovered that my affinity for shiny objects has not dissipated. Perhaps I was a crow in a past life. I don't know how to explain it. I will walk into a store, and the first thing I notice will be either shiny, glittery, colored/frosted glass or iridescent, and of absolutely no practical use whatsoever. And I of course will then pick it up and goto the checkout line. disregarding price, need, and the financial ability to actually pay for it. The amount of self-control required to put my shiny objects down would make Gandhi jealous. But thankfully, I survived today with limited draw upon my bank deposits.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just can't come up with a decent reason to get out of bed?

Have you ever had thirty or forty of them in a row?

I still don't have a job. I am pretty sure I didn't get the job that I interviewed for last week. The geeking market here in Austin is failing and no one wants ColdFusion programmers.

I want to publicly thank a couple of the #everything users for their support and friendship. You guys are great.

Breathe, take a step back, start sleeping all day.

I have decided that I can't handle the crisper edges of life being taken away from me, so I've stopped taking my medication. I'm hoping to reverse the flow. Drop the Depakote, regain the clarity I used to have. Maybe water will seem cold again, ideas fresh and green.
I do believe that I'm bipolar (as diagnosed). I don't believe this medication is at all helping me. I cycle and stay on a low sort of manic most of the time, and get depressed about twice a year. I used to sleep for 5 or 6 hours a night, and get the house cleaned. I used to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I'm overweight and I act like a cat... I eat, then I sleep for a few hours.

Stop sleeping all day, take a step forward, breathe.

Huh? What am I doing here??

I guess... hmmm... I had some free time at work today (Jun 25th) and I had such a fun time yesterday that I just had to share it with someone, and I figured why not here? Who knows? Maybe if I haven't pissed off the admin here too much, I might start making occasional appearances again... Anyways, on to what happened that was so fun...

Up at 7 am. On a Sunday. Not my usual idea of fun, since I love to sleep in. I do so love it. But not today, since it's a big, big day. Chelle and I are meeting up with my friend Kyra, and taking the 8:30 AM train from near her apartment in Lisle in to the city. Why so early? We're having breakfast with her friends in Stonewall, the area GLBT support group, before heading over to the Gay Pride Parade.

Yes, it's my first time seeing the parade! And I am so excited.

Anyways, really quickly I get dressed all in pretty colors, cause I'm definately wanting to get in the spirit of things. Rainbow tie-dyed shirt and hat, white shorts, hair in two braids (with rainbow hair bands at the end), rainbow nails, and such. All bright and colorful! We need to be at Kyra's place by 8:15 to walk to the train, and it's at least a 30 minute drive. At 7:45 we're running out of the apartment, me still trying to toss on the last little bit of jewelry. Fortunately, the roads are nice and empty, and we make it in plenty of time.

The train's a little late anyways, so we weren't as pressed as we thought. But after a nice hour long ride in, we then have to walk a little ways over to the nearest El station, and take it out to Boys Town. It's also my first experience on the El, though there's really nothing exciting about it. (Other than the really sudden starts and stops that throw you around a little)

The restaurant where we're meeting them, Ann Sathers, is a whole two buildings down from the station. I could tell from the moment I walked in what kind of area this was - not the type of crowd you'd see in a Denny's on Main St. or such. We head up the stairs, into the reserved room, to find all the tables are filled already. So while someone goes to dig up another one, Kyra introduces me to other members that I hadn't met before.

Finally, a table comes, and the three of us order breakfast. While we wait the HOUR it takes to get our food, a few more late stragglers come in, two women. The couple sits down with us, the only open spot. Kyra introduces us to them, and we just start chatting cause we're there... and fortunately, it was so much fun talking to them that it keeps us from really being that annoyed about how long our order is taking (even if the two of them do get served sooner than us yet despite ordering later...)

Well, a little while later we finally get our food, eat our now half-price breakfast rather quickly since pretty much everyone else is gone (what were the cooking staff DOING back there? Never mind, I don't want to know...), and we head out to do a little wandering around, maybe some shopping, before settling into our parade watching spots.

We considered waiting a few minutes for one interesting shop, The Alley, to open - the skimpy leather outfits in the window made it look worth checking out, and I was highly considering getting a simple cartilage piercing in my ear, but we decided to keep walking, maybe to come back later.

We crossed a side street with residential area (and just about every car had a rainbow sticker - such a cool area), and out to the other big road for the parade, and start heading down, looking for shops.

We only end up entering one: Gay Mart. (Yes, that really is it's name!) More or less like any other gift shop, just with almost everything having the rainbow or some other indication of where you are. To my amazement, they even have a couple buttons with the transgender symbol on it - so of course Kyra and I grab them. A few other novelty items later (a magnet, a rainbow static cling for the car), and we're back outside walking toward where we're meeting others to watch.

I realize rather quickly how incredibly good natured the crowd is. Sure, there's not always a lot of room to walk, and you're getting bumped around - but there are always apologies, smiles, people saying "hello", and just a complete lack of that negative attitude you find at just about any other gathering of people. I usually feel uncomfortable in such large crowds - but I was just the opposite here.

Finally, we end up right by the church which is the customary parade watching spot for the Stonewall group, (the few of them that aren't marching, that is), and we grab our seats - some triangular windowsills that are just big enough for a person to sit in. After some struggling to get up there (they have to be like 4 1/2 - 5 feet off the ground), I manage to get situated - without scratching myself or even dirtying my white shorts. I realize quickly it's going to be a good view.

It's not even 1 pm at this point - the parade doesn't start until 2, and it'll be at least 30 mins until it reaches us - so I get to become quite familiar with my little niche of the universe. After all, I don't want to get down, because it was so tough getting up there, and I don't to lose the spot either.

I did get to do a lot of people watching - and trust me, it was easily as much entertainment as the parade. Guys walking along without shirts, jeans with one leg cut off up to the belt, exposing the thongs they had on underneath. All sorts of odd hair colors and styles. All varieties of gender bending. Women with no shirts, and only tape or other small decorations covering their nipples. And plenty of hilarious shirts (one woman walking along with a shirt that had a picture of a woman pulling down her panties, with the caption above it "Good Bush" - and next to it a picture of W., with the caption "Bad Bush") There were plenty of straight couples there also - so it's not just for the GLBT crowd.

And thanks to my pretty colors, I wasn't exactly unnoticed - even on the windowsill. Plenty of comments from people about how colorful I was, how much they loved the outfit, how much they loved the nails. And the good nature of the crowd was obvious here also - as I let my now bare feet dangle (sandals up on the sill next to me), every once in a while someone would give my foot a slight tickle, or play with my toe for a second. I even had a few people come up and take pictures of me - it's really wierd when a stranger comes up and asks "Do you mind if I take a picture of you?" - and then tells you that you look great afterwards as they wander off.

Oh yeah, the parade itself... lots of floats, all the politicians up front (boo hiss), a pretty long delay near the front I later realized was due to protestors jumping into the parade, complaining about the lack of prosecution of racist and abusive cops, including the chant "Do your fucking job, Dick" (the guy they were protesting's name was Richard). The biggest cheers were for PFLAG, and the various GLBT youth groups.

Finally, after over 4 hours sitting in that windowsill, and a really tired and achy behind and legs, I get down (and almost collapse as my legs scream in utter protest at the landing), and we wander around to find restrooms. Plenty of portable toilets, all with long lines. Finally we sneak back into the restaurant from breakfast, using their "for customers only" restrooms. :)

And somehow I managed to make it home before collapsing completely. I'm not quite sure how right now, I was actually pretty tired. (Who knew 4 hours of sitting on cement was so tiring??)

Anyways, I know I'm going to do whatever the heck I need to be able to attend again next year!

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