Here's the stuff we found when you searched for "Altruizine, or A True Account of How Bonhomius the Hermetic Hermit Tried to Bring About Universal Happiness, and What Came of It"

• The UK's farmers, or How to reap a profit without worrying about pesky scruples
• In the Spirit of "Build Back Better", How about Bring Back Banishment?
• You, standing
• "What *should* we be worried about?"; or how too many cooks make a statistically average soup
• How to serve a cheese plate - or, how I came to love curds and eschew fashion
• Don't kill your invisible husband to see what he looks like or you'll sob your heart out. But don't worry about the millions of invisible men coming to attack your village because they won't kill you if you don't know how to fight them.
• DJuxtaposition vs. Gamestop : Or how I learned to let go of the PS2 and start loving the DC
• How I came to Spaceland, and what I saw there
• How Not to Write a Novel; or, How to Not Write a Novel
• A Mathematical Adventure, or, How I Spent an Afternoon Proving Nothing
• Every poem about thunder was written under the protection of a roof, or, at the very least, an empty sky
• How the Internet came to be: The birth of the Internet
• How is poetic form going to help me scream about revolution
• Stand up for yourself, OR: How I got the shit kicked out of me
• Is it better to try to improve yourself, or to accept yourself as you are?
• How to herd people in public
• the world's big enough, but how about your mind?
• How about NO
• Young Eulenspiegel plays innocent
• How the Moon Came to Be
• Weather-related clichés (or how to start a conversation with a stranger)
• The male libido - or - How I was castrated by the 90's
• How it came to pass that the Art Institute stole the last shreds of my sanity
• Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness
• Metal Inert Ass Welding, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the F-Bomb
• Kosher curry, or how I missed the blindingly obvious
• Aristotle's Lost Library, Medieval Andalusia & Chinese Paper, or How Europe Learned to Learn Again and Why the Renaissance Happened When & Where It Did
• funny how cliches stay true
• How do you take your dreams? Shattered, scattered, covered, or raw?
• Getting your Christmas cards out at the last possible moment
• another "poem" about unrequited love and how it fucks up your everything
• You can learn a lot about a person by how they act at an Airport
• How to argue about something you don't know literally a single thing about
• How to write about colors?
• I didn't mean to write this, but this is how it came out
• How the Internet came to be: On use by other networks
• How, though the Sphere shewed me other mysteries of Spaceland, I still desired more; and what came of it
• How I vainly tried to explain the nature of Flatland
• The Thanksgiving Curse, or, how we keep almost getting killed.
• The amazing true story of how I became the sixth Backstreet Boy
• Dr. Bloodmoney or How We Got Along After the Bomb
• Put That Thing Back Where it Came From or So Help Me
• The best part about you is that you don't even know how great you are
• Wholesome Bible goodness in every mint
• How to MP3 a tape, LP or the radio
• A Springfest Housewarming Nodermeet: Or How I braved the wilds of Sydney's outskirts
• A short Blitz on Stepney in the Winter or How the East End welcomes Heisenberg with perky Bosons
• How to get tree sap or pitch off your hands
• Beauty with love, false or true
• true or false
• Belief, or How I Became an Honorary Jew
• Is this true or only clever?
• Beautiful Times (Or: How I Embraced the Escapist Mindset and Tuned in to My Imagination)
• How to entertain unwashed masses on little or no money
• How To Think About God
• And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep?
• A Story About How Evil Wal-Mart Is
• how about not (user)
• there's nothing special about love or heartbreak
• How to drive a friend mad, and still feel good about yourself
• how do you feel about miniature lazy susans behind glass
• This is how it appears on Wikipedia and they tend to be somewhat anal about grammar, so I'm trusting this is correct
• I don't know why but I always love episodes without words. like just something about them makes me feel calm or something..
• How to use a current account
• how life is all about loving and being loved
• I try not to think about it
• How Evil Ways came to the innocent teachers of the Bay Area, ca. 1969
• Thoughts on how religious proscriptions came to be
• How the Internet came to be: The Internet takes off
• True Happiness This Way Lies
• How I came to E2 (registry)
• How the Internet came to be: The birth of the ARPANET
• How They Came to Bunbury
• Screaming Bullet of Compact Imported Death, or: How I Found Out My Mazda Protege Could Go 130mph
• New And Improved Illustrated Bartender's Manual or How to Mix Drinks of the Present Style
• Dental surgery, or, how I learned to appreciate anesthesia
• How to disable or translate caps lock in Microsoft Windows 2000
• I still can't think of anything, or how Fight Club changed my life
• How to tell if you are stoned or not
• How the Sphere, having in vain tried words, resorted to deeds
• How Leisure Came
• How to speak about women and be politically incorrect
• "true" story about Poincaré's baker
• How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?
• An American in Tours
• 206
• How to get (or keep) a guy's attention at a bar
• The true story of how I beat the crap out of King Kong, on top of the Empire State Building
• How to entertain young children on little or no money
• How to Build a House or Destroy a Home
• Megalania (or how I learned to stop worrying and love the lizard)
• How to get Apache to tell your visitors when files have moved or been deleted
• The use of 'use,' or, how to use 'use'
• socketes matures during 4 14 years. - reflections upon an obscure Dadaist genius in our midst; or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the troll.
• Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
• How to determine if an egg is hard-boiled or uncooked
• Don't try to make the moment last. You can ruin it that way. Just learn to savor it and, when the time comes, learn how to let it go.
• A day in the life of an Alzheimer's wife or how it all started with a missing spatula
• Smoking kills, or A true ghostwriter
• Some things are True whether you believe in them or not
• Do or do not, there is no try
• we are learning how not to forget, but we still don't know what's true
• My soul is in a million pieces. I tried to collect most of them, but some are missing, and the ones I have don't fit together anymore. Feel free to take a piece or two.
• Or he'll just kick me in the face and scream abstract noises and dance around outside in his underwear and have sex with the neighbor's dog and try to fly by jumping off the toilet
• C++: true or false?
• Have you ever wondered how many gears a car can have? Or: My experiences with an East German vehicle
• How I insulted a Mormon, or reason #78345 I'm an Idiot
• How to tell when a journalist has no idea what they're talking about
• There is not much new to say about snow, or about broken love
• How can I talk about love when the bacon is burned and the house is an absolute mess and the children are screaming their heads off and I'm going to miss my bus?
• Foolproof method to determine how much a person knows about computers
• It's too early to talk about God, or women
• The further I get from the things that I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get
• Like hands on a clock tell time without thinking about how long it's been
• How Does The Turkey Feel About Thanksgiving
• how do I air an attitude gripe about family?
• Comparing essay about How to Tell Corn Fairies and Blue Silver stories
• Eight or Nine Wise Words About Letter Writing
• The Death of Friedrich Nietzsche
• sometimes when i think about how big space is i get scared
• How I Feel About Clasical Music
• In this moment I'm focused on my own emotions. I don't care about how you feel. I can't.
• Leaked AOL memo about hackings and how to handle press
• This moment will never come again. Would you rather enjoy it or complain about it?
• The cult leader poured himself a drink and started on about his plans, and I wondered how the priest was getting on
• Dear God: how about that whole holocaust thing?
• I can't even begin to tell you how I feel about certain things for reasons that you may find difficult to understand
• I will fucking REMOVE your writeups about Cloud Strife and how he's cool and mysterious and shit
• I know how to bring a whiskey bottle pleasure with my touch
• reality is always ready to teach us about how our ideas are wrong
• if I can't be with you, then I'll write about you, or I'll write about something else
• Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
• How the Sun Came to Be
• How the butter-fingered librarian came to rule the Universe
• How the Enemy Came to Thlunrana
• How the Story of Oz Came to an End
• how to bring up sex in a conversation
• How I came to love tea
• How the Internet came to be: On scaling
• How the Internet Came to Be
• Deep Fried Foods in the Restaurant
• Achieve riding happiness with $75 and 30 year old motorcycle. Malarkey? Or effective way?
• How the Rain Came
• Love at first sight OR Girls who are Boys who bring thoughts of philosophy and anthropomorphic hermaphrodism: A Story
• Shaving your nuts without permanent injury and/or accidental castration
• Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
• How I then tried to diffuse the Theory of Three Dimensions by other means, and of the result
• Rocks Do Not Belong in the Road, or: How to Launch a Mazda Protege Into the Air
• Overcoming arachnophobia, or how I learned to love the spiders with HUMAN HEADS!
• How I tried to teach the Theory of Three Dimensions to my Grandson, and with what success
• How many different species live on or in the average human body?
• How do you pronounce a 3? Or a 0?
• The Tornado, or, how we almost all got killed.
• How to share your Cable Modem or DSL connection between two computers
• How to recover a lost Linux root or Windows 2000 Administrator password
• There's nothing more annoying than to try to rebel against someone who's totally supportive about whatever you want to do
• How to scare the Hell out of a Lexus driver, or: Don't take sharp corners at 50mph in the rain
• Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?
• How not to bring in new comic book readers
• How I feel about exams
• How to determine whether a number is even or odd in any base
• How to replicate a dynamic website quickly without the source code or database
• The New Face of the BSOD: An Adventure in Password Recovery
• edev: Writeuptype bugs, or how nate got stuck between two parentheses
• How to do an overbar or overline in Microsoft Word
• Lost love - or how I grew to love the truck stop
• Becoming an idiot, or, How I learned to stop worrying and love my siblings
• How I got over my homophobia or the reasons that I blame my grades on a gay man
• Show your work, or, how my math abilities started to decline
• Strange man makes permanent visit
• How about that local sports team?
• Feeling bad about a good deed
• The Trick About Thawing Grapes
• The secret truth about the PalmPilot
• LPPR: Illegal Speech About Drugs
• You are the kind of girl my mother warned me about
• Doctors know nothing about drugs

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