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Time: Sat, 8 Jul 2000 00:04:37 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) mod_perl/1.21
Number of nodes: 600350 (1398 new since July 7, 2000)
Number of users: 16573 (45 new since July 7, 2000)
Number of links: 2298769 (16587 new since July 7, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.225 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.829 links per node
Link to user ratio: 138.706 links per user

New Nodes: Users Online (30): [sensei] [General Wesc] [moJoe] [CaptainSpam] [kenata] [fustflum] [7Ghent] [fondue] [renster] [dolphinboy] [Halcyon&on] [amelinda] [Gamaliel] [skid] [trega] [urbanmisfit] [dr] [untergeek] [endotoxin] [proj2501] [boone] [mps] [spacklequeen] [spaceman_spiff] [Duane Dibbley] [Xandrah] [Dave!] [stash] [tribbel] [dazzawazza]

JeffMagnus node count: 3824 (1 new since July 7, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 6944 (4 more since July 7, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 1.816 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.637%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

Random work today ... the Big Kahuna has not yet decided to fund the Goosefood Project. Nonetheless we stay confident. Today I chaired two, no, three meetings. In one of them I reduced expenses by about 10.000 bucks. In the second one I expressed hopes, and in the third one I managed three people, and thought about axing a fourth one.

Then I went to chat with some people that were late. I am still totally hosed from this weeks Deep Demo.

This machine appears to have no brackets, neither square nor angled, which accounts for the somewhat unfriendly formatting.


He tends to wander into my life at his convenience, though, more often than not he is in a moment of despair, trying to find comfort in the familiar. I am someone's familiarity. Intriguing, I suppose, considering I’ve not much in the way of comfortable feelings when I talk to him (not anymore). I feel awkward, as if I should be telling him to leave me alone, as if perhaps I should tell him that you can't hurt someone as bad as he hurt me and expect the forgiveness I've given him. It's too late, for that, though, he's aware of the understanding I have for his ignorant insensitivity and he isn't thankful for it, he takes it for granted. I do not love him anymore. I can't completely let go of three years of my life, either, it feels like if I do that I'll lose pieces of myself I'm not ready to, I might not ever be ready to.

I can't decided if my feelings are based on confusion, compassion.. or stupidity.

There is nothing between us that would constitute a friendship, but he would call me a friend if someone asked, I'm sure. This is because I am his friend. He just hasn't been mine for a very long time. I don't care, anymore, because even though losing a best friend and a love beyond that all at once nearly destroyed my little heart, it also opened a door behind which some infinitely dreamy humans happened to be partaking in lives that I am now a part of. This could not have been were it not for the end of us.

Yet.. I don't think it is the end. I'd be foolish to believe something like that could just fade away, and I'd have to be completely willing to let it do so in the first place. It would seem that nothing ever truly ends.. though this makes matters more complicated, I think I like it this way.


My ex came online tonight, again.. and we ended up exchanging many words, and he finally revealed that which I had known all along but he wouldn't admit. He's been seeing someone and he "loves her very much". This bothered me to a point, I guess, but not as much as it might have a few months ago. He also said he still loves me, and wants to be my friend, and for me to be his. I've been his forever, he was just too caught up in himself to care. I am too forgiving. I am not trusting, not of him. He said it again, "I've no reason to lie to you", but he had been, he did many times, even after the last time he said those words.

He called tonight, after the online conversation even after I told him that I really did not want him to call. (He kept pushing and I gave in.) While I waited for the phone to ring, I thought of the little human in my life now who happens to be very dreamy, supportive, and painfully honest. I also wondered why I am not strong enough to just tell him to stay out of my life. I guess it's because I really don't want to lose three years.. maybe I need to come to the realization that I can hold onto the good times we had without having him there. He is a jaded, self-centred fool.. he still cares, this I know, I believe that, but he wants the best of both worlds and I know in my brain he does not deserve my friendship. Now to convince my heart..

This day has been trying. Very trying. My heart is sore, my brain hurts, at times tonight I just wanted to give up, and.. I love my life. Even though it is hard sometimes, I love it. Thank you, little dojen, for being, and you little yoshi, for the same.
13:04 EET

It was payday yesterday. My pay is nothing short of ridiculous, but it's still money. Although I am fearing the day we'll be literally paid with peanuts...
On the afternoon a few of us left the office to a mini golf course nearby. My score was a humiliating 72, making me the 2nd worst of the 4 players. Oh well, at least I have the excuse of not playing in 6 years or so. And next time I'm going to kick ass. (yeah right)
I was supposed to start designing my Big Lightwave Project™ (see July 6, 2000) yesterday evening, but one of my very best friends popped in and the plan was ruined. I don't mind though, since we had a good time with music, Final Fantasy VII and some good old GHB.

What about today, then?
Hopefully I'll be able to start working on the LW project tonight. Apart from that, it looks like a quiet, peaceful weekend for a change. Maybe I'll even do some noding - I want to finish the SSM line before moving on to something more interesting.

<< week | July 7, 2000 | July 8, 2000 | July 9, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   Pseudo_Intellectual  17790   138   129    11  17661   140
   2   DMan                 16281   188   163     9  16118   192
   3   dem bones            14483   150   181    11  14302   145
   4   Segnbora-t           11516    95    99    10  11417    94
   5   Saige                11473   106   123    10  11350   103
   6   pukesick              9395    13    15    10   9380    13
   7   sensei                8803   119   128     7   8675   118
   8   dannye                8675   108    93     9   8582   110
   9 * tregoweth             8348   107   141    10   8207   101
  10 - Deborah909            8265    44    20    10   8245    48
  11   N-Wing                7873    27     1     9   7872    31
  12   jessicapierce         7750   -19    18    10   7732   -25
  13   Jet-Poop              7673    46    16     9   7657    51
  14   ideath                7512    77   166     7   7346    62
  15 * Lometa                7435    61   104     9   7331    54
  16 - knifegirl             7413    68    81     9   7332    66
  17   yossarian             7276    45    18     9   7258    50
  18   /dev/joe              7194    75    20     8   7174    84
  19 * Tem42                 7014    60    75     8   6939    58
  20 - JeffMagnus            6950    14     7     9   6943    15
  21   pingouin              6900    22     5     9   6895    25
  22   ModernAngel           6650    19     4     9   6646    21
  23   General Wesc          6592    38    25     9   6567    40
  24   moJoe                 6549    62    87     9   6462    58
  25   hoopy_frood           6237    39    71     8   6166    34
  26   novalis               5980    36    84     9   5896    28
  27   bozon                 5663     9     5     9   5658    10
  28   Sylvar                5520    74    46     7   5474    79
  29   juliet                5395    57    57     9   5338    57
  30   Uberfetus             5267    64    55     6   5212    66
  31   alex.tan              5186    34    -2     7   5188    40
  32 * hamster bong          5014    86    92     6   4922    85
  33 - RockLobster           4996    13     1     9   4995    15
  34 - Templeton             4959    33    16     5   4943    36
  35 * yam                   4916    17    58     7   4858    10
  36 - nine9                 4882     8     3     9   4879     9
  37   sabre23t              4794    53    54     6   4740    53
  38   bitter_engineer       4672    32    22     7   4650    34
  39   kessenich             4433    29    41     9   4392    27
  40   Sarcasmo              4388     6    14     8   4374     5
  41   ariels                4364    18    64     8   4300    10
  42   wharfinger            4334    64   100     6   4234    58
  43   knarph                4193    25    10     9   4183    28
  44   CaptainSpam           4028    23    14     9   4014    25
  45   Lord Brawl            3917    26     3     8   3914    30
  46   Orange Julius         3867    36    50     7   3817    34
  47   themusic              3769    21    33     8   3736    19
  48 * Dis                   3734    46    46     6   3688    46
  49   hatless               3728  #N/A  #N/A     8  #N/A   #N/A
  50 - ailie                 3726     8     4     7   3722     9
  51 - 65535                 3717    24     2     5   3715    28
   *   EBU #51               3717    28    29     *   3688    28

Server time: 16:23 Sat Jul 8 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node

Today's my birthday. So far I've gotten a card from Dad and one from my husband. The guys have it all planned out, there's a chocolate cake in the fridge and we're going to see The Patriot then have dinner at Black Angus. Though I may tell them I want to go to Furr's Cafeteria because Number Two Son is buying me dinner and well he's on a tight budget;)

I splurged and bought me some Reebok's for my walks. They were wonderful last night on my walk even though I was soaking wet from the rain when I got home. A much needed catharsis that walk in the rain was. Turned down three rides to finsish it, came in took a hot bath and snuggled down under the warm blankets to watch Voyager before I drifted off to sleep.

I would like you to dance

(Birthday) Take a ch-ch-ch-chance

(Birthday) I would like you to dance

(Birthday) Dance....

You say it's your birthday

Well it's my birthday too, yeah

They say it's your birthday

We're gonna have a good time

Today is your birthday

Happy birthday to you

The Beatles (The White Album)

I love my birthdays!

Secret Heart

You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart
- Psalm 51:6 (NRSV)


It's not you, it's me.

I could be with you and you wouldn't think twice about it. We could have so much fun together, deary. Drinking coffee while we play minature golf beneath the surreal, plastic giraffes...driving around aimlessly while smash mouth plays on the radio...going to the mall to see if any quirky, new stores have opened up...you, looking at me lovingly. Yes, this and more could be mine.

But it won't. I won't allow it to be.

That's right--I can't bring myself to let you into my life. I see no purpose for you. It feels so wrong of me to do this to you, to deny you myself, but it's just something I could never live with.

You're beautiful...I'm sure at least 12 people have already told you that as you walked out of your house and got in your car. You're funny...the goldfish you keep in your toilets know that. You're sweet...when you help old women cross the street and resist that oh-so-strong urge to toss them into oncoming traffic and run away to the local gas station while laughing like your hero Darth Vader. So...why not?

I'm such a jerk. I don't want to do this to you. But you're not giving me the feeling that you're what it's all about. It's so trivial, it's so mean...

And that's why I could never look at you without such an intense feeling of guilt. That's why I can't stop myself from crying as I write this. That's why I will never allow our relationship to progress to a point where I might actually have to give these evil words a voice.

It's my kindness to be so cruel to you.

Day 1 of Unemployment

11am PST Woke up with a wee hangover from last evening's festivities. A bunch of us gave the company a proper send off at the luscious Backdoor (Ultra) Lounge in Pioneer Square. That, of course, involved a lot of alcohol to sooth the tearful goodbyes and stifled discussions of what we could have done better... I crawled out of bed and somehow managed two bowls of Raisin Bran.

1:30pm PST I wander up to Capitol Hill and check my PO Box. Bills. Lovely. With what do I pay these? Oh yeah... I made that plan a few mornings ago... I finally landed at Vivace and read more of Cryptonomicon.

3:15pm PST This being unemployed thing isn't half bad. I've spent the afternoon wandering about in the sun. Of course it's a Saturday and I could have been doing this any old Saturday... that I wasn't actually at work of course.

4pm PST At home I eat six rice cakes, half a jar of peanut butter and a lot of boysenberry jam. Yummmmmmmmmmm. Dinner. Time to node...

I accidentally witnessed the first steps of opening the Czech Connection, before I traversed the surroundings just to find that the past lives on well into the future. The blissful sentimentality turned to disgust as the day grew on me.

I learned that I have to disband the base and establish a new within three weeks from today. I have gathered the resources by now and have been waiting for this moment to arrive. Thus I am not worried.

The weekends are the worst times to be alone.

My steady progress against depression slipped today - I caught myself crying and praying for cancer. How can I respect myself?

I can't remember the last time I touched another person. Maybe aethyr, more than a week ago.

I try so hard...

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