So, today I was poking through Shakespeare nodes. I saw The Tempest. I was reminded of when I was Miranda in December. This was for my school, a Community College. No big deal, but loads of memories. Thinking of that play led to thoughts of another play: Measure for Measure (for some reason my school has a hard-on for Shakespeare). I was Juliet in that one. I had a huge pregnant belly.. knocked up by Claudio. So I started thinking of the guy who played Claudio. I smiled, because I like him so much. I remembered him talking to me, and how his hands felt on my shoulders. I remembered the way I felt all through rehearsals. Electricity; a play! I thought about this guy talking to me in between scenes. The only one who REALLY ever talked to me about any REAL things. He understood ways about me that nobody there did. We didn't know eachother that intricately, but he was plugged into some level that allowed him to see my landscape. We both understood some intangible thing about oneanother...I don't know. I liked him best out of everyone in the cast; out of everyone in any cast that we'd been in together, and there were quite a few. He asked me to dinner once, not as a date, but as a bridge. For conversation. Because he knew there was more to me than was being revealed in our talks in the theater. He knew we could exchange many more ideas. I knew too, but I was so terminally shy that I couldn't accept. Social phobias or something. Something.. eh.

Anyway, so that's what I was thinking about this morning. This guy.

And tonight I got a phone call telling me he's dead.

Something to do with his heart I imagine. He had a transplant several years ago. Leukemia before that. He'd fought hard against medical problems for years and years and won everytime. Or, at least, lived everytime. So I'm guessing it had something to do with his heart but I am not sure. Details are sketchy right now because he only just died this morning.

I should feel something more than I do. My reaction should not be: "Oh.. okay.. I understand, and there is no longer any chance that we might go to dinner."

Maybe my feelings for death were used up when another died two summers ago. I had actually talked with him about this close friend dying. He was very interested in how it made me feel. He wanted to know exactly what it was like to lose someone. Because he'd come close to death so many times, he wanted to know what it was like on the other side. He wanted to know how his family and friends would feel if he died. He wanted me to somehow tell him.

But I couldn't describe it to him because what I felt was so overwhelmingly everything. Maybe that is why I accept this now so calmly? I ran the gamut of emotions for her then and I cannot feel them again for him or anyone else? I do not cry and I do not ask why and I do not think that it isn't fair and I do not wonder if he can see me now and I do not wonder if he knew what was coming and I am not angry and I am not shocked and I'm not quite sad or guilty or depressed or confused and there are no what ifs in my head.

The only thing I feel is slight disgust at my own inability to feel for this person who I know I love.

But, oh my god. I felt something as I was typing just now. I remember saying a thing to him as I was leaving the theater one night. "I love you," I said. I remember his smile and he said, "thank you," and meant it.
So he knew that. So, good.
For that, I feel happy.
This day was infinitely dreamy to say the least. I even managed to get in what I would consider a few decent nodes. Ahh, refreshing after a week of .. well I guess the week wasn't so bad either. I love this life stuff, it's so great, I sometimes forget. And stuff. It smells like urine in here.. I have no idea why. It seems to be coming from outside. (I wonder if some strange drunk man is peeing outside the window.. he-he.)

I received a postcard from hoopy_frood today! I was so intensely happy!! I smiled, and smiled... and then I smiled more. It's all in french.. I think it says "simulated orgasm" on the front but my french is rusty. A friend of mine who I haven't seen in about, oh, 3 months wandered into my house today out of no where and she just happens to be a french language genius. Coincidence? Probably.. but a nice one, at least. She translated it out for me but I forget what she said now. Either way.. it made me extremely happy and said dreamy things and stuff. Proper thanks is still in order. My brain is working overtime.. *puffs of smoke rising from ears*, etc., etc..

I don't know. I had great things planned for this daylog, but now I don't know what to write. I think I'm a bit too tired perhaps. So, I'll write it tomorrow. I've got a couple new node ideas in a notepad file on the desktop for tomorrow too. Keep your eyeballs peeled. He-he..

Life is beautiful.
As young as the day still was, quiet rain caressed the endless grass fields of North Europe, playfully teasing animal life. Where the grass had to give in for the roots of an ancient forest, the heavy scent of a vixen attracted all sorts of mosquito’s, forming clouds of bugs high in the thin air. Just a few hundred meters away a young lamb looked up into the sky. ‘Oh no!’ cried the lamb. ‘It looks like a dangerous animal lingers around my quarters!’ For a moment the lamb considered never returning there again, to enter a complete new path of her life, but then she shook her head and nerved herself to continue her way home. ‘After all,’ pondered the lamb, ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen to me?’ “You’ll die!!” replied a voice inside her head. “You’ll die and go to hell!” But the lamb ignored the voice. “Bullshit” she muttered.

The vixen smiled sensually at the animals that had gathered around her to check out the strange scent. “Chanel no. 6” she whispered. “Can someone get me a coffee?” Immediately four pigs stood up. “Two lumps please.” Five seconds later, the vixen had four cups of coffee standing on her desk. She gave the four pigs a short nod. “Leave now, please. I must focus on my new job.” None of the animals moved. ‘GO!” she suddenly growled, showing her sharp, white teeth. The crowd disappeared.

The lamb had almost reached her quarters now, but the scent had become too heavy for the lamb to bear. “Uff” she bleated. “How the fuck am I going to survive this smell the entire day?” Her cubicle came in sight. “Almost there.. almost..” Dizzily she fell down on her knees, and for a moment she thought she’d suffocate and die right there in front of her very own cubicle. “Who’s there?” An annoying voice came out of the cubicle. “What the fuck?” the lamb thought to herself. “The wild animal has entered my cubicle, that bloody desecrator!” Spinning, she got back on her feet.

“Who’s there?” called the vixen. No reply. “WHO’S THERE?” Still no reply. Then, a pale animal appeared in the doorway. A lamb! In a flash the vixen jumped forward and bit off one of the lamb’s paws. The animal screamed out in pain. “Nooo!! Nooo!!! NOT MY FUCKING PAW!!!” The vixen grinned happily and rubbed her belly. “Seems like I’m less hungry than I thought.” She burped. “Oh well, I’ll just save the rest for later.”

A swine entered the cubicle. “I thought I heard some noise.” He looked around. “Ah, Lamb, I see you met your new co-worker.” The lamb stared at her missing paw. “Ohh!” cheered the vixen and she slapped the lamb on the back. “Think of all the fun we’ll have together!” The swine smiled contented. “Good.” Lazily he left the cubicle again.

The lamb cried quietly. “My paw” she sobbed. “My paw..”

Great” said the vixen out loud. “This office is just filled with idiots.”
Happily, she started deleting every single byte of stuff the lamb had worked on the past few years.

“My paw..” came a sad voice out of the corner. “Damnit.”

It isn't much for sitting in, but the feng shui is fucking incredible

My apartment, a combination of Eufaula's cheap rent prices and my lack of furniture, thus:

  • Giant cherry-wood queen sized bed.
  • Stereo
  • Clothes (closet)
  • Book Boxes
  • Bean bag chair
  • 2 bonsai trees
  • One 12x14 bedroom, containing naught but a spare bed
  • One mostly empty 12x14 diningroom
  • One mostly empty 14x16 livingroom
  • One somewhat full 14x16 bedroom
  • One kitchen, empty except for the appliances

I prefer what the negative space suggests is lacking to what I could fill it with...

<< week | July 6, 2000 | July 7, 2000 | July 8, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   Pseudo_Intellectual  17661   140   149    11  17512   138
   2   DMan                 16118   192   175     9  15943   195
   3   dem bones            14302   145   327    11  13975   115
   4   Segnbora-t           11417    94    53    10  11364   101
   5   Saige                11350   103   107    10  11243   102
   6   pukesick              9380    13    26    10   9354    11
   7   sensei                8675   118   114     7   8561   119
   8   dannye                8582   110   113     9   8469   110
   9   Deborah909            8245    48    42    10   8203    49
  10   tregoweth             8207   101   128    10   8079    97
  11   N-Wing                7872    31    84     9   7788    22
  12   jessicapierce         7732   -25    14    10   7718   -31
  13   Jet-Poop              7657    51    27     9   7630    55
  14 * ideath                7346    62    76     7   7270    60
  15 * knifegirl             7332    66   117     9   7215    57
  16 - Lometa                7331    54    17     9   7314    60
  17   yossarian             7258    50    76     9   7182    46
  18   /dev/joe              7174    84   125     8   7049    77
  19   JeffMagnus            6943    15    13     9   6930    15
  20 * Tem42                 6939    58    95     8   6844    52
  21 - pingouin              6895    25    27     9   6868    25
  22   ModernAngel           6646    21     6     9   6640    23
  23   General Wesc          6567    40    60     9   6507    37
  24   moJoe                 6462    58    97     9   6365    51
  25   hoopy_frood           6166    34    35     8   6131    34
  26   novalis               5896    28    12     9   5884    31
  27   bozon                 5658    10    20     9   5638     8
  28   Sylvar                5474    79   113     7   5361    73
  29 * juliet                5338    57   228     9   5110    29
  30 - Uberfetus             5212    66    54     6   5158    68
  31 - alex.tan              5188    40    63     7   5125    36
  32   RockLobster           4995    15    11     9   4984    16
  33   Templeton             4943    36     3     5   4940    41
  34 * hamster bong          4922    85   140     6   4782    76
  35 - nine9                 4879     9     3     9   4876    10
  36 - yam                   4858    10     1     7   4857    11
  37   sabre23t              4740    53    50     6   4690    54
  38   bitter_engineer       4650    34     5     7   4645    39
  39 * kessenich             4392    27    26     9   4366    27
  40 - Sarcasmo              4374     5     5     8   4369     5
  41   ariels                4300    10    20     8   4280     8
  42   wharfinger            4234    58    69     6   4165    56
  43   knarph                4183    28    19     9   4164    29
  44   CaptainSpam           4014    25    85     9   3929    15
  45   Lord Brawl            3914    30    58     8   3856    25
  46   Orange Julius         3817    34    97     7   3720    24
  47 * themusic              3736    19    27     8   3709    18
  48 - ailie                 3722     9     5     7   3717    10
  49   65535                 3715    28    37     5   3678    26
  50   Quizro                3688  #N/A  #N/A     8  #N/A   #N/A
  51   Dis                   3688  #N/A  #N/A     6  #N/A   #N/A
   *   EBU #51               3688    28    27     *   3661    28

Server time: 14:14 Fri Jul 7 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node


15:43 BST

I managed to get lots of work done last night. Four hours, to be precise. Although I suppose a large part of that was spend chasing nasty bugs. Must crush them today...

Crush! Crush! Crush!

Now for the long commute over to the other end of my CRT...

Millions of years later (hey, I've got a big CRT (I wish))

(Actually 00:05 BST July 9, 2000, ie tomorrow-ish)

Ooops, I forgot to finish noding this up. Well, I managed to do barely anything. I got up rather late (very late actually), and promptly procrastinated for hours on end. I managed to apply my brain to code for a couple of hours - just over 2 hours, to be precise - and then returned to procrastinating. I'm rather good at it.

So, I watched some TV, and... well, that's it. I didn't do anything useful, that I can remember. I didn't even manage to read my daily newspaper (it's the Guardian, in case you wanted to know). Never mind.

For some obscure reason, even though I slept really late,and didn't do anything all day, like for example excercise or anything strenuous, I still felt the need to go to bed -and straight to sleep at that - very early. That is, I'm pretty sure my day was at most about 12 hours long. Weird.

Went to bed feeling bad. Had an argument with mum (that's mom for all you Merkins out there ;)) about nothing important. Even though I knew I was right, and she was wrong, that's not the point; thing is, I got really annoyed about the poor quality of her argument (logic-wise). And then she proceeded to try and make some point by making up a word, which was a non-obvious (ie sounds wrong) combination of two words, like marketdroid-speak, only worse. So then we argued more, and went to bed. I felt so annoyed, not just about arguing, but about myself for feeling superior.

It's odd this, being home from university for the summer. My last summer at home too, as from this year on the flat I'm staying in is mine all year round. I should be able to get along okay... I suppose I do most of the time.

i work at a company that produces VPN software. in early 1999, my boss, a coworker, and i decided to work to integrate the VPN software into an operating system and make the whole system easier to configure. this went through several evolutions, and now there are two distinct products based on the same idea. us three originals are the only ones who put in development time (in addition to our regular duties) into these projects. we did it. we were very proud of the accomplishment upon the first release. then my coworker, tim, left. a big loss. since, me and my boss have been working dilligently, along with the help of a QA guy named grizz (who is marvelously talented).

our latest iteration of the original idea is a good solid product. intel developed hardware for us (a nice 1u rackmount box). all of our beta testing customers were impressed. resellers wanted it. the product got many mentions on a stock chat bullitin board for investors in the company. seeing the name of the product in print by people all over the world in terms of how it could change the company's future was very gratifying.

hee hee. today i found a communications news magazine ( aticle summarizing what it considered to be some of the best products showcased at Networld+Interop in Las Vegas. At the top of the page, with an editor's choice stamp, is a picture and blurb about the system. i love it. it's a huge return on the investment.
Well, today is the day. I don't feel like reiterating why it is "the day" so please refer to my daylog entry for June 29, 2000. Please note the warning at the top - it probably applies to this one as well.

I feel really empty inside. And it feels like the world is conspiring to make me remember. I flipped my calendar to July and the picture is of the place where my baby was conceived. Then on top of everything else, my monthly friend showed up. Which does help to explain why I have been so emotional lately, but just another nasty reminder that I am not pregnant. I'm empty.

So, you say, why not try again? Well:

Reason #1: I wanted to wait for my job to become more stable (it didn't, I was layed off in April - but started a new job at the end of May which is more stable but BORING AS HELL)

Reason #2: Husband doesn't seem real interested. Don't get me wrong, we were both happy when I became pregnant last year, but it did make us realize how much our lives were going to change.

and Reason #3: (The real reason): I am scared of it happening again. I don't want to experience that pain again. I don't want to hear some fucking asshole doctor say "I don't think we have a viable pregnancy" again. I don't want my heart to feel ripped to shreds again.

Sorry, again, if I made anyone sad. Thanks for listening.

Apparantly, I am weak. At least that's what the woman fixing my veggie sub @ subway told me. I informed her that it was probably due to the fact that I had just tumbled out of my comfy bed and was still in shock that there is a whole brightly-lit world out there (mostly mumbled, of course...). She gave me a look of disbelief. I didn't understand this until I found out it was about 1:30 pm and most reasonable people get up before this time everyday. Screw reason... So I went on an exercise spree. I feel empowered now. Maybe I'll go shave my head...

I haven't been noding a lot recently. Most of the stuff I've written is going to a little webpage I have devoted to myself. Somethings I don't think would even fit here.

I'm depressingly happy and laughably sad...maybe something will happen today that will be worth writing about. Perhaps I'll go do something worthwhile. I think I shall go rescue a child from drowning in a river or being eaten by a grizzly bear or some other horribly adventureous and noble thing. Something(one)'s telling me that I need to be doing something...I don't know what. Whatever it is, I bet it's marvelous and I'm sure it happens before 1:30 pm everyday.

I went into work today, luckily I arrived just in time for a meeting that I forgot about, and received a pager.

What do I do with it?

I am confused by the vibrating feature. Is that what I think it is?
Signed the lease this morning and nabbed a cookie. Apparently the management at the new complex bakes cookies every day. We'll probably be like that guy from the Saturn commercial who came in weekly with some phantom car problem just so he could scarf a jelly doughnut. "Uhhh, yeah...I think we have a poltergeist? I know we didn't notice on the initial walk-through, but I don't want to be charged later on. Maybe you could send maintenance over to have a look." :::scarf:::

Later on we went to Linens n' Things to pick up a couple of towels and a shower liner. Holy shit, there were just too many towels there. We were disoriented, like Mr. Anderson from Beavis and Butthead in the Home Depot-esque store. "Hello? Hello?" At one point we nearly sat ourselves down to cry, but one of the employees said she used the Big n' Soft Royal Velvet and liked them. If it weren't for her we may not have made it out. Y said "maybe we should look at the bathroom again first." Hell, it's just a bathroom. I wasn't about to get avocado green towels or anything. Eventually we made out with two silver-ish bath towels, a shower liner, a pack of bamboo paper plate thingies, and 4 bubble sets. Whee.

Then I donated some bookshelves to Habitat for Humanity, dropped some stuff off at the PTA thrift store, packed up the rest of the clothes, and went to sleep.

Excerpt from the diary I kept as an exchange student in Japan

Happy birthday to me!

I'm sitting on the train right now and a woman just got on wearing a t-shirt that has a picture of bubbles and the word "douche" written on it. I feel like I should say something, but should I? She probably doesn't know what the word means, after all, and very few people in Japan would know either . . . Should I spoil her ignorant bliss? She probably thinks she's just wearing a cool shirt with an obscure foreign word on it . . . Should I just totally ruin her day by telling her what the word means?

For all I know it could be a band t-shirt, right? Then it really wouldn't matter what the word was.

Well, I told them . . . as best I could with my limited speaking abilities, anyway. They seemed like nice people. Weren't terribly phased by it. Just kind of a "huh . . ." reaction . . .

But I couldn't get off the train at my stop, so I had to hop off at the next one and hot foot it all the way back to Kikyo.

Talked to Kana a little bit on my way back from school . . . I learned that she works at the fish market with her mom and brother (which explains why she works there at all) . . . and not much else, honestly. My ears were failing me again . . . but I'm sure that as I practice more, things will only get better . . . part of my problem, I'm coming to realize, is a deeply imbedded fear that I won't understand what they're saying affecting me in some way so that I don't understand . . . Sometimes I am my own greatest adversary.

Anyway, I'm not certain, but I think Kana's brother thought I was hitting on her, or at the very least, he was joking about the idea that I was hitting on her . . . Not really sure which.

Had more tests today . . . Hoping I did better than last time . . . but my test-taking self-esteem is pretty low right now. If I flubbed another one . . . I just don't know what else I can do . . . This is so hard . . . I'm so scared and frustrated, but I have to keep faking confidence and happiness . . .

Met some of the Russian students today . . . they all seemed like really nice (and very attractive!) people. Some of the girls, however, were complaining about how there was nothing to do, so I suggested they might try Goryokakucho, which they hadn't heard of.

I was thinking of going there tonight, myself, to just wander about and enjoy my birthday . . . maybe I could invite them to come along next time, if I can find a place they might be interested in going to.

I'm studying right now, adn I'm stuck by the absolutely momentous proportions of what I'm trying to learn . . . it feels so impossible sometimes (now, for instance). I want somebody, Leah, Sarah, somebody to give me a back rub or at least hug me and tell me it will all be okay . . . That I'll understand somebody . . . that soon I'll look back and wonder how I could not have known what hougaku meant. But they can't. I am alone. And this task feels so daunting. Oh, Gentle Reader, it is you alone in whom I can confide. Please, using your understanding that through quantum physics there is no time or distance, send me some solace?

That was good . . . Thank you, Gentle Reader.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being payed back for some past life where I was really rude to foreigners . . . I hear myself talking with a big "aaaah" searching for word pauses in my speech. I'd never really understood those pauses before. I have so much empathy for those kind of people now . . . Jeeze, I sound like i'm trying to bargain with some god or something: "Okay! I see your point! Now let me understand!" Something like that, anyway . . .

So it seems that in Hokkaido, Tanabata is treated like Halloween. Little kids put on kimonos and run around chanting for candy and . . . fire crackers, I think. Only, since this is Japan they all just open your door and start chanting right in your foyer.

One kid said he liked my striped socks.

Anyway, this is really making it hard to get any studying done

Will I ever learn this stupid language? I'm in antoher one of my negative turns right now . . .

At least the cute kids are cheering me up a bit. So many freaking words and sentece patterns . . . How did I ever learnd their English equivalents? How did I become a poet and a writer when the medium I hcose to work in is so difficult to manipulate. Carving marble statues would be easier!

I feel like I've made progress yet still know nothing. I am both amazed by my ability to communicate at all, and dismayed at my complete inability to communicate. Everything is so hard . . . so hard . . . I honestly feel intense jealousy for the communicative abilities of those in higher level classes. I wonder if babies feel the same way . . . if some of the first emotions we experience after becoming aware enough to even conceive of communication include extreme jealousy. I want to be verbose and creative . . . expressive . . . sometiems even flirty . . . I want to be myself with those around me.

Right now we're talking about book titles and historical events and somebody in reference to "A Farewell to Arms" called it "Goodbye Gun." I thought that was so funny I just had to write it down.

My birthday dinner was microwaved KFC, 2 squid rings, some soba noodles and a slice of the Japanese interpretation of cheese cake. Pretty wacky, eh? I forgot to take pictures.

However, my host sister got me this neato blue t-shirt with kanji on it.

Now mom is watching Felicity dubbed into Japanese. It's surreal.

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