September 11, 2001

tact attacked

Yesterday, I committed one of my biggest faux pas yet: joking about death. For background, read ophie's writeup in September 10, 2001. I made a bad joke connecting the topic "E2 is wearing black today" and HTML bgcolors. I'd like to say that it won't happen again, but I'm afraid my definition of "it" may differ from the reader's.

Communities don't seem to want people who can't instinctively figure out the unwritten rules of the community. If common sense were truly common, it would have been documented better. My problem with "being more careful next time" has always been how can I be more careful if I'm effectively blind? I feel like I'm the only person who makes an honest effort to have tact but fails miserably.

E2 is just one web site out of thousands, but these problems have appeared in any community in which I have attempted to take part. The same thing happened to me all through high school: I broke one rule, got the usual "that's inappropriate, and you should already know what inappropriate means" lecture, got suspended, and never broke my perception of that specific rule again. A month later it was something else. Break one rule, face the consequences, never break that rule again, break another rule, rinse and repeat. The problem I've seen in myself is that what I learn from mistakes is too narrow and literal (e.g. "don't make jokes connecting mourning traditions to their technical implementations"); when I try to compensate by broadening my perception of the rule a bit (to "don't tell any jokes at all when an obituary is in News for Noders; better yet, just shut up"), people who do not understand my autistic difficulty with common sense become somewhat sarcastic towards me. (I have Asperger's syndrome, a mild form of autism.) I have the support of SEF, SEF's daughter evilrooster, and drummergrrl.

Even mentioning Nintendo's Yoshi's Cookie could potentially offend. (The code name for the game during development was "Hermetica".)

(update 18:31) I have decided to say nothing about the recent World Trade Center terrorism.

My best friend got married Saturday. I'm very happy for her, but it's bittersweet. A chapter in our lives has closed (forgive the incredibly cliche path this daylogue has taken).

Sunny has been the kind of friend that you only have once in a lifetime, if you're lucky. We are women woven from the same fabric, kindred spirits. A friendship that spans more than 12 years.

The best memories I have with her were nights when she would spend the night at my house. We often would go to bed fairly early and read our respective books (she was an avid reader like me). There is something immensely comforting about a friend with whom you can be completely silent and still enjoy each other's company.

Now she has someone else to read (and do other things) with in bed at night. She has found her soul mate and I am so happy for her. Congratulations Sunny and Mike...

/me misses Hermetic
/me cries

---

I am still not absorbing what happened to one noder. I cannot even begin to understand what happened today

I just found out about the loss of one of our own. Regardless of the circumstances behind his demise, the world is now diminished by 1 more individual. Whatever his reasons, he is now gone and his legacy is left with us- his writings and outpourings. Even those of us who did not know him personally or interact with him are deprived of his presence. Everything seems a little more empty- if it is possible for "everything" to be reduced somehow. For however long his writeups remain on these servers, he will be with us, just a click away.

I've never seriously contemplated suicide- not as an actual or realistic solution to my problems. Intellectually, I've thought about it. The ways, the times, the places, the clean-up crews, the friends left behind, the family, the fear, the lawyers, the State... I'm a fairly responsible person, but not that responsible. If I ever considered suicide as an option I'd feel guilty, first thing, about all the stuff those left behind would have to clean up and take care of for me. Rent, utilities, my computer, stories, porn, clothes... all kinds of stuff just sitting around, no longer in use by me, and left in the hands of others who might ask unanswerable questions. Is a Last Will and Testiment thorough enough to deal with all that stuff once I'm gone? I get new stuff all the time, new responsibilities... I'd have to update my Will at least once a month just to make sure it all got taken care of. From a purely pragmatic and considerate point of view, I just couldn't do that to the people around me. Too many loose ends to tie up, enough for a lifetime of knitting, to let someone else handle it.

I'm not afraid of death. Personally, I believe in an afterlife and I feel that I've been fairly good to those around me. I don't know how my life equates in the Abha Kingdom (Kingdom of God, according to the Baha'is), but I like to think that I've secured a decent seat for myself in the big stadium in the sky- maybe not box seats, but a decent view. From what I believe regarding the next world, it seems like a pretty exciting place- definitely new and different. I'm actually eager to get there, but not that eager. I've got some spiritual limbs in this life that need more growing before I'm ready for the next step. I've got the love thing down, I think, but patience is still nagging at my heels. Inherently I somehow know that by taking my own life, I'd be depriving myself of more spiritual development that might be necessary in the next world- like patience might equate mobility there... I'd hate to have short legs in any plane of existence.

Hearing about the death of another person, whether they've taken their own life or are victims of circumstance, always leaves me feeling... pensive. It's like I sit back and reflect on my own life. Have I done enough? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? What's left to do that I haven't done yet? Are my dreams just dreams or will they really come true at some point, if I'm patient enough? It's like taking my day into account, just before I go to sleep. Review. A Lifelog, as opposed to a daylog.

Take stock in who you are. How do you want people to remember you? Friend or foe? Heroic or hopeless? Strong or weak? Honored or reviled? This life is a one-shot wonder. Make the best of it and continue to do so if at all possible.

Not every day is going to be the best, but tomorrow is another day. Live to fight another day- if you fight long and hard enough, you'll eventually come out on top. I have exactly one birthday, the rest are anniversaries. After the day I die, the anniversaries will be celebrated by few.

I intend to live long and (so what if it's cliche?) prosper.

It's weird. I took some LSD on Saturday, a friend got married yesterday, at very near the same time Hermetic moved onto the next world.

I'm trying to squeeze these 3 things together, trying to make sense of my numbness of my sadness, of my love and my joy.

I didn't know Hermetic, I will never have the chance to get to know Adam. I mourn this loss of opportunity.

I've eaten a lot of LSD over the years, and this trip on the surface was no differnet from others... there were the hallucinations, the colors, the higher understanding of music, the feeling of being a part of a larger system... and there were new sensations such as feeling the rotational spin of the planet, watching clouds make love and watching the night eat the day...

I cried, I laughed, I sang, I danced and smoked. I felt guilty and I felt redeemed, I felt whole and healthy...

I'm reminded of a lyric from Black Peter by the Grateful Dead

see here how everything leads up to this day
and it's just like every other day that's ever been

sun goin' up and then the sun it goin' down
Shine through my window and my friends they come around, come around, come around....

The people may know but the people don't care that a man could be as poor as me...
"Take a look at poor Peter he's lyin' there in pain now let's go run and see"

I just got a email from a friend of mine. I don't quite understand it.
I'll translate it to english for you to not understand it either.
If it sounds allyourbaseish, it's not the translation, its the real thing which sounded this way in german, too.
(Explanation: Its some way about my plans visiting him with a friend at the weekend)

---

Subject: Weekend

When exactely will Nickname arrive or in other words, when will you both be here? Just for me to know, if i somewhere else than Berlin, there/here they are on saturday, i have to visit the reading.
E.

---

Rosebud

There's nothing left to say

Hermetic.

I'll ask why, because I believe you can hear me ask. I'll not ask why, because I know the answer already.

Because.

Because there are terrible things in this world. Because any person is capable of behaving carelessly, and leaving a long, infected, invisible invisible invisible scar on a child... and the scar never heals completely, but is an effort to continue to treat every day of the rest of your life... and every other careless act inflames and infests it until you have no skin, and only one long, red, angry invisible lump of proud flesh where your soul once existed.

Because your brain is capable of killing the rest of you. Only too capable.

Because emotions are caused by chemical reactions and physical processes, and these can malfunction. Because you have moving parts, and you can break.

I cry for you, not because I knew you. I wish, I WISH I WISH I COULD HAVE KNOWN YOU. You wrote of pulling the trigger, and then remembering to remove the safety... I know the sort of mental categorization that has to take place in order for one part of your brain to find humor while the rest of it is continuing to downslide. You lasted as long as you did.

I can't accept any of it. I cry because I didn't know you, and I won't now. I cry because I am afraid. I cry because I am afraid.

I almost never met A. I love him as though he were a part of myself, as though he were the larger part of myself... and I almost never met him, because he almost did not survive the cruelty of his peers. It's close enough for me to cry. I love him, he is dark and handsome, he is a starling, a beautiful and shining person. He is still damaged, but I don't fear for him anymore... unless something like this happens.

SP was also a taut, lingeringly tormented man. He has someone now, someone to share love with, and I am glad. I am glad that he is sly, and happy, and still an outrageous flirt... I love him, he is a workaholic, he is beautiful and sensual and still not completely aware of it. I am so glad that I don't have to fear for him anymore... unless something like this happens.

T might have died during her school days as well. What am I to think? She is the most individual person; the epitome of confidence. She is heavy-lidded, sexy, relaxed, ribald. I love her, she is melted chocolate in a mug... I met her past the point of needing to fear for her, I almost believe that... unless something like this happens.

And there are SO MANY. The list never ends. And I am among them, but I can never die because I am too busy trying to hold them in my big stony hands... because every moment of my childhood that I felt I wanted to kill myself, it twisted around into the desire to kill those who were hurting me. I am not quite chemically sound, but there is something within me that survives.

Eco Eco, I love you. You, who call yourself fat and socially inept. Every word that falls from your typing fingers into the nodegel is perfect, it shines like a glass droplet, you have a gift with tact and sensitivity and kindness; and you also have a fabulous and undyingly horrible gift of skewering your own beautiful self upon a stake. I need you to be my friend, and I hope you remain so.

Quizro, you have been kind enough to spend some of your colossal intellect upon my paltry node scatterings. You connect me to a sense of belonging here, even though evidence suggests I don't have the dedication or proliferance of words to keep hanging around. Thank you. I will always be happy that you are alive in the world.

dustfromamoth, I love you dearly, though we haven't spoken much. You are our own dear bell-jar girl, you who do not think you are beautiful. I don't know if you ever got the feather or not... but I hope that your books turn out well. I hope you do not purposefully or accidentally slash your wrist. You play with death like a small cat that is fascinated by a butterfly attached to a thread. I fear for you. I know that I can not make you understand why I should care whether or not you die... but your writing is like an insane, wonderful orange dream, and I would be heartbroken to see the source brutally cut off.

And there are so many of you that I have spoken with, and argued with, and gotten advice from... and I love you all, and I don't want any of you to die unless it absolutely has to happen. Even then, I don't want it.

---

It just happened, and I can't get ahold of Joel. I can't get through the phone lines. He works and lives in Manhattan, and I can't get in touch with him. I can't find Joel. I can't find him. I can't find him. I can't find him.

So many dead.

There is horrible evil in the world. Horrible, horrible evil. I have to stop writing this before I hit twelve pages. I should go to work because Monica has people in New York and is doubtless going out of her mind. I am sick. I don't know what to do. I can't call Joel. The lines are busy.

Please God, no more death today.

---

6pm: I manage to get in touch with Joel's family; he is alright. He hasn't been able to call many people, obviously.

As regards those terrorists: almost any act can be carried out by a person who is willing to die to accomplish it. But I believe we already knew that, didn't we?

I have been more scared today than I have ever been in my life. Today is the only day since the blizzard of 1973 that the college of wooster has been shut down, no classes, no events, no volleyball game tonight. Everyone here has been, and still are, in a panic from the events that have occurred this morning. A flight from Boston to Los Angeles crashed into the World Trade Towers, as did another plane. Another plane crashed into the Pentagon, still another 80 miles southeast of Pittsburg, and a fifth into Camp David. There is also another over Toledo, Ohio as I type; and a sixth plane was grounded at Hopkins International Airport in Cleveland, believed to have a bomb on board. All buildings over 30 stories have been evacuated in Cincinatti (man I hope i spelled that right), and many major building in Cleveland have been evacuated, and almost all of the privately owned ones have been suggested to evacuate as well.

We have taken a lot of things for granted here in the United States, our safety and "untouchability" were probably the top two.

I'm scared for the girl who I don't know who's boyfriend is in Washington D.C.. I'm scared for my fraternity brother, who's older brother (an alum of Wooster and my fraternity) is a captain in the Marines. Most of all I'm scared for my parents, who were supposed to fly from Boston to Chicago tomorrow.

Fear is something that I am not accustomed to. When I first heard about it, from a good friend's girlfriend, it sounded so loudacrous that I thought she was pulling my chain, I just didn't want to believe, why should I have? Then I heard more from another fraternity brother and was terrified that WWIII was going to start, with George W. Bush at the helm...

Yes there has been some mirth and merriment, tho it has been few and far between. I feel that this day can best be summed up as one one which you don't wanna run out of cigarettes. I hope that those responsible for this heinous acts can be punished, tho I fear they are too decentralized for a quick and effective measure (this one of the few times I want to bomb the shit out of a part of this planet). I hope that none of this goes on any longer. Humanity needs to get past this stupid bullshit of ethnicity and relgious difference and come together, not in world peace, because that won't happen. World Coolness is in order.

I just hope that more innocent people, who really have nothing to do with the bastardian acts America has done, won't be hurt any more today, for we all have suffered greatly on this now infamous date.

For all who have lost friends, family, or themselves, I know the men of ΦΔΣ give you all the regards we can, as Americans, as humans, and as people.

---

Addendum added 9-11-03

Not all of the information appearing above is correct. A fifth plane did not fly into Camp David, although there was much speculation that one had. At the time I wrote this, a great deal of misinformation, as well as a great lack of information, about what had happened had come from everywhere. We're not talking the internet either. Details were reported as they came in, right or wrong. The news reports changed drasticly from the morning to the evening. Only one thing remains clear, this is the greatest tragedy of my generation, if not several generations. I do not wish to change the above text at all, bad spellings included, as I think it preserves the scared, frantic feelings we all had that unfortunate day. May the spirits of those lost rest in peace, may another tragedy of such magnitude never happen again. May the people of Earth, not just America, not Europeans or those who's ancestories can be traced back there, learn from this fateful day. May we not come together, arm in arm, brother and brother, but learn to respect the differences that make humanity beautiful. As they said in a great 80's movie, "Be excellent to each other."

Damn... I'd been planning this as a nice light-hearted writeup, but the massive destruction terrorists have just caused in New York, Washington and Pittsburg makes it seem self-indulgent and horribly trivial. Still – we cannot allow terrorism to triumph. Right? And damnit, I'm going to be on television for the first and maybe the only time in my life!

I'm kind of ashamed of my own frivolity but hell, I've written it now so here goes...

I'm going to be on Channel 4 tea time quiz show Countdown. I filmed my appearance yesterday at Yorkshire Television in Leeds; it'll be broadcast at 4:15 on the 27th of September. Originally I was due to film some time around Easter, on the same day as my two brothers, but I was ill at the time.

Richard Whiteley really seems to be about as much of a buffoon in real life as he is on television. At one point he called me Fraser (my real name is Fergus). I waited a bit for him to notice what he'd done, but he just sat blankly waiting for me to pick my letters until someone pointed out that my name isn't Fraser. It took about a minute or so for the audience to stop laughing at him and settle down enough for filming to re-start.

Then he did it again.

Sadly I didn't manage to beat my brother Bruno's eight-letter spectacular, 'orgasmed,' which was almost certainly the naughtiest word ever to appear on a tea time quiz show, but I did manage to uphold the family tradition of rudeness by getting the letters FART as the first four letters in one of the letters games - this is probably enough to get me into compilations of comedy clips for years to come.

The feelings of rage and inadequacy are ill-contained in me today. The news of the terrorist attacks in the States has shocked people here in England more than anything since the death of Diana. Everyone is stunned by it, everyone talking about it. This will be another of those moments of which people will say "Where were you when...?", a pivotal point in human and personal history.

My girlfriend just rang me to ask if I'd heard, and we asked "Why?" and raged a while and then fell silent - a quiet, fearful and uncertain silence.

Coupled with this are the E2 community feelings for the loss of Hermetic. Even though I barely knew him, his writing had touched me, especially his last few write-ups. His magnificent Everything is a Community has just been C!ed for the sixth time as I write this, and I don't believe I have read anything which better sums up my own feelings about this place. Many people were sorrowed, even those who, like myself, knew him little. /me misses Hermetic.

It is sad that these same feelings of loss we had for him are currently being felt right across America. To those thousands of people who have lost, or who fear having lost, loved ones - my heart goes out to you all, each and every one.

We feel for you. I just wish I could pray for you.

Hermetic says I upvoted your daylog... Just 'cause I am obstinate like that.

Hermetic says I downvoted you daylog, just 'cause I'm a bitch.

This was a few days ago, I haven't even "talked" it out

---

On another note, welcome to my reality....

My school is, of course, open today despite most people either staying home or ditching classes to watch the news. I don't have a television right now so I knew nothing until almost noon.

Denver has been in a sort of mini-panic due to the proximity of the Federal Center here which is the largest installation of government offices outside of DC.

I'm already afraid: of kneejerk calling to war, of the same kind of ethnic persecution that I watched friends endure while the Gulf War was going on. I'm afraid that the grieving are going to want blood in the streets. I'm afraid for all of us.

I've always thought of the visage of Lower Manhattan as being the infallible insignia of American success and prosperity. The aerial view of New York Harbor and the artificial beauty of humanity's conquest of technology, with the statue of liberty in the foreground, are one of the most pungent and recurring images of America. To see this defouled and neutered by the utter destruction of two its most impressive buildings is a great tragedy, exacerbated indeed by the loss of thousands of innocent American lives. It is one of those times when I feel loyalty and devotion to my country that I rarely feel. Today, for the first time in several years, I recited the Pledge of Allegiance at noon with the rest of my clssmates.

I was sitting in school, in history class, in fact, when the vice principal got on the intercom and announced that there had been terrorist attacks in New York and Washington. The teacher immediately turned on the TV to CNN. There were mass hysteria-fueled reports of some drive-by shooting incident in downtown Portland. It was so much at once, I guess I was sort of numb to the reality of what was happening. I remember walking silently up the stairs to my next class to see my physics teacher perched in front of another TV, solemnly watching the news. "I'm not teaching today," was all he said. My grandparents' generation remembers where they were when Pearl Harbor was bombed. My parents' generation remembers where they were when John F. Kennedy was shot. My generation will remember where we were when the World Trade Centers were attacked. This time, however, it is not the fault of any single American. Today, the world is united in sympathy and sorrow for those who are affected by these attacks.

A longtime friend of mother lives on Manhattan. She responded to mom's email saying that, in fact, she was standing in Lower Manhattan when the planes struck the World Trade Centers. She wrote the following, which I will quote in verbatim.

I was on the street (16th and First) campaigning and suddenly an older man said 
oh my god, look that plane that was flying low just crashed into the World 
Trade Center. I turned to look and sure enough black billowing smoke was 
filling the sky. What seemed like seconds later, people on the street were 
talking about the crash, which just seemed like a horrible accident. Then the 
second plane flew into the second tower. No one could leave the street. Cabs 
stopped and turned up their radios. People emerged from stores. All were 
watching the towers fall. People were already walking up from downtown. We 
were hearing the stories of evacuations, then the shut down of Manhattan. All 
bridges and tunnels closed to traffic. Subways stopped. Ambulances diverted 
to Beth Israel to take the pressure off NYU downtown. Then the news of the 
Pentagon. Then the confirmation of the hijacking from Boston and Newark. It 
seems we did and continue to do all that we can to respond to the crises. Our 
3 elementary schools moved their kids on foot to the Village area. The 
daycare center in one of the towers managed to safely move all kids out. Then 
the first tower collapsed. People screamed of the collapse on the street. The 
sky was empty. The second tower was still standing. Again, what seemed like 
minutes later someone screamed out that the second tower was going.  It was 
breathtakingly horrific. I couldn't get rid of the shivers. I finally went 
back to my apartment about 11:45 AM. 

There really are no words to accurately describe the horror these people must have felt. The horror I felt watching on television these momuments at whose feet I have stood and gazed on my numerous trips to New York, the city of my birth, simply crumbled like so much sand, must have been multiplied a hundred times for those who saw it in person. I cannot empathize. I know we will get past this, but it is a tragedy indeed.

We will match your capacity to inflict suffering with our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with Soul Force. We will not hate you, but we cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws. But we will soon wear you down with our capacity to suffer. And in winning our freedom we will so appeal to your heart and conscience that we will win yours in the process.

Martin Luther King Jr

Still at work, trying to absorb the death of Hermetic, I learned about the tragedy at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I heard my co-workers talking in the next cubicle about how we should nuke the hell out of whoever did it. I got mad, I left work without telling anyone. I ran to my car. I went home and beat the hell out of my pillow. I cried. I thought of my friend who works in the pentagon, but I knew it would be useless to try and call. I listened to our nations leaders talk about swift and harsh punishment for those who are responsible. I cried again.

I hold my pain in my heart. I smother it with compassion and love. Pain is inevitable in life. Suffering is not. Underneath all this tragedy, there is an unstoppable force of life. Even in the wake of this disaster, you can see the beatiful miracles of life. People coming together to mourn. Rescue workers risking their lives for others. Community and religious leaders holding my city together. It is beautiful.

Today, I bring peace to myself in order to promote peace in our world. The government speaks of peace through force and retaliation, but you cannot bring peace through violence. It comes from within. We can all become angry at those who did this horrible deed. We can hunt them down, we can hurt them, we can call them names and punish them to ease our pain. But all we are doing is burying our pain. Whoever did this, I forgive them. I cannot condone or understand why they have done this, but I can accept it and forgive them. I cannot in good conscience speak of peace if I harbor anger and hatred inside me.

Today, I embrace humanity.

• 8:42 AM EST: A large airplane crashes into the northern tower of the 110-story World Trade Center in New York City, setting it on fire.

• 9:03 AM: As news cameras continue to monitor the World Trade Center towers, a second aircraft crashes into the side of the southern tower.

• 9:17 AM: The FAA shuts down all New York City airports.

• 9:40 AM: For the first time in history, the FAA shuts down all air traffic nationwide.

• 9:43 AM: A third aircraft crashes outside the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., filling the building with smoke and prompting immediate evacuation.

• 10:05 AM: Still on live television, the south tower of the World Trade Center collapses from the top down.

• 10:10 AM: A portion of the Pentagon collapses. The building as a whole remains intact. At about the same time, a fourth plane crashes in Somerset County, Pennsylvania, near Pittsburgh.

• 10:28 AM: The north tower of the World Trade Center collapses from the top down. Half of Manhattan is covered in ash, soot and black smoke.

• 11:18 AM: Confirmations from the airlines begin to arrive. At least four planes were hijacked after leaving different east coast airports that morning. American Airlines Flight 11, one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center, was a Boeing 767 leaving Boston for Los Angeles; it had 92 passengers and crew aboard. American Airlines Flight 77, a Boeing 757 leaving Washington, D.C. for Los Angeles, had 64 passengers and crew aboard.

• 11:26 AM: United Airlines confirms that Flight 93 from Newark to San Francisco had crashed in Pennsylvania.

• 11:59 AM: United Airlines confirms that Flight 175 from Boston to Los Angeles had crashed in New York City with 65 passengers and crew aboard.

Timeline information obtained from CNN.com and other news sources

Death and more death. Destruction. Despair.

When I woke up this morning, I thought, "My mom and dad have been married for 35 years as of today. Today my son is 5 months old." I looked forward to lunch with my husband, and to maybe hearing from my great-uncle, newly on E2.

Now it's all shattered. Looking down at my sleeping baby boy now, I wonder what sort of a world he will inherit, because of today. It makes me want to slap the hawks who are howling for blood on every channel. Revenge won't bring back the dead, just deepen the hatred that the assailants already clearly feel. Then they'll strike back, then we will...I don't want to live like that. I dont want him to live like that.

I bury my nose in his soft, fragrant skin, and wish for this morning again.

Flying out of Belize in June, our plane either stalled or just went into a sudden deep dive. I'm inclined to believe it was a stall, but that's not important.

What's important is those last few minutes when I just watched my life end. At least, that is what I thought I was watching. In a window seat, unable to get up, probably unable to undo the seatbelt if it even occurred to me. Some might say "stunned", but my mind was perfectly clear, perfectly aware. I was watching the ground come towards me. I wasn't thinking much else, but I was aware.

After the first few minutes, I remembered that this was the ultimate test of spirit or humor. Could I laugh? No - I couldn't. I couldn't cry either. My heart beat fast, my mind was sharp, but my body was still, unsure of how to move or react anymore.

We pulled out of the dive. The people on the four flights today did not. They knew they were hijacked; they watched their own deaths approach them.

My heart goes to the people on the four hijacked flights tonight. I hope their spirits find peace.

/me misses Hermetic

As it was said before, i dont daylog, for may reasons, but this is an exception.

I woke up this morning to the screen showing the live shot of the 2nd tower falling down. This of course woke me up faster than a knife wound to the kidneys. After i soon found out what happened, and started to get on with my life, i learn that a plane hit the pentagon. This was not that big of a deal to me at first, the pentagon is a fortress, its big and strong, not easily blown up. Then it dawned on me that my father works for the DIA and has a very real possibility of being in the pentagon on this ill fated day. It took me 4 hours to finally get in contact with my mother. Turns out, he was at the pentagon. He had just steped outside for a bit to eat with a few friends, looked up in the sky, pointed to the incoming plane and said "look at that" just before impact.

boom

But he is okee. Well, in body he is, in mind he is still shaken up.

As am i

I am losing my faith in humanity. This is very sad, most people do not understand the depth of faith humanity has in itself. Most of it is blind, but there is a lot of it that is also real.

But I digress

The one thing that made all of this hit home is the passing of our dear friend Hermetic. Adam was a great guy, and a excellent noder. Why what happened did, i dont know, or attempt to figure it out. I found out today because i have been lax in my noding, and have preety much fallen out of the crowed here. But not that it matters anymore. With all the loss of life going on in the world, as long as someone has something to hold on to i guess they will be fine. It seems that Hermetic just lost his. Im really sorry about this. That is all.

depression

/me misses Hermetic

Update: Well, the world in recovering, and we are at war. Or so it seems. The new year came in without any mess, and new york is doing well. Interestingly enough, my "fuck you all" node was not only filled, but then shortened. What a world. Peace everybody.

Yesterday I decided I was going to begin noding again, not that I have noded a great deal. I consdier my exp to node ratio pretty good considering I don't know anyone on E2.

Though, my day has been filled with fear of the happenings already mentioned on today's log. I keep thinking: It could have been worse, it could have been worse. This operation could have been on a larger scale, the other two planes could have caused havoc elsewhere, there could have been larger deadly weapons used, any number of things could have made this horrible scene a deeper darker nightmare.

It could become worse, it could become worse...

I hope, that no matter what reaction is made by the US Government in response to this shit, that the remains of the trade center are left as they are now, as memorial to:

• the people who died from this
• the people who will die from this, (both here, and wherever the action is taken)
• and how incredibly fucking stupid all of this really was:
  • America's complacency
  • its feeling of invulnerablity
  • The people responsible:
  • whatever objective they had in mind.
  • how they are cowardly pieces of shit for not playing fair.

---

within the first couple of hours my anger rage completly took over, and I thought that maybe a new glass parking lot was just what the planet was missing. However, as I cooled off, I realized just how horrible a thought that was. It would make us no better than these cowards. A SEAL team would make a better option for retaliation. A still better option would be no retaliation at all. What better way to show how ineffective these sorts of attacks are to get the results that they want, than to just give 'em a big FUCK YOU?

I am afriad today sent a message to the world: Large scale terrorism in the US is feasible. I am young, I am stupid, and I am paranoid, however I see today as a turning point with 3 possible outcomes:

1.) US does nothing and falls victim to more terrorism attacks.
2.) Security increases --> More of a police state.
3.) US stops pissing people off policy-wise.

It's gonna be 1 or 2, and both look bad.

I want to forget. I want to forget that the events of September 11, 2001 ever happened. I want to forget that the safety, the comfort of western civilization was shattered by a terrorist attack that killed thousands of its citizens. I want to forget that people I have come to care about were within sight of the disaster. I want to forget the price that comes with freedom.

Just last week Doctors Without Borders set up an imitation refugee camp in my Dartmouth to teach people what life is like for those whose lives are shattered by war. Now a real refugee camp of sorts is being set up to shelter those people whose flights home were diverted by this tragedy. Just last week I finished paying for my plane ticket for a trip to Calgary. Now I am forced to wonder when, if ever we will be able to fly again without fear.

I want to remember. I want to remember the people who died without ever knowing why. I want to remember that life is a fragile thing, precious and fleeting. I want to remember that the worst of times can often bring out the best in people. I want to remember that no matter the tragedy, we must not live our lives in fear.

As I reflected on the days events, I asked myself, if it had been me in one of those towers, if I had died today, would I be able to say I lived my life the way I wanted to? Would I be proud of my deeds, my accomplishments? The answer is no. To this point, I have largely drifted through life, taking the path of least resistance, there have been no great failures, no great disappointments, but there were also no great risks. I have survived, even thrived, but I for the most part, I have not yet lived. I have had many great dreams, but few great accomplishments, not because they were beyond my reach, but because I never bothered to get off my ass and try for them. The moments in my life that I am most proud of, such as helping friends and repairing my relationship with my mother, came when I was willing to take a chance and try, knowing that I might not succeed. In fact, some of my proudest moments are failures, because I knew that I had given it my all, regardless of outcome.

When my day comes, I want be able to face it knowing that I lived the best life I could in the time I had. I mourn all of those who died today, but I mourn any who died without this feeling of inner peace most of all.

To die regretting your life is, in my mind, the worst kind of hell.

Jagat Jalanda Rakh Lai, Apni Kirpa Dhar
Jit Dware Ubrey, Tithe Laio Ubar

from Sri Guru Granth Sahib, religious book of Sikhism

Translation:

"O Lord, the world is on fire; save it with your mercy.
whichever religious path one may be following,
save him."

---

I guess today is one of those days when we start taking our personal tragedies a little less seriously.

May all innocent who died today rest in peace...

---

Hi Deepak,

Congrats my man !! ...

I wish I could write all the nice things ... just that today's events are settling down in me and making my mood viscous by the minute.

Although it seems very unlikely; I wish your daughter, and all other children of her generation grow up in a better world that we live in today.

I wonder if some day I have a daughter, how in the world would I ever be able to explain to her what my and previous generations did to make this world such an ugly place? With what face would I tell her to follow one religion over another? With what comfort would I tell her to make one country her home over another?

I know I'm thinking too much; (have been blamed for that before); there's only so much I will remember by the end of the day. I'm just rambling; forget it. It's a bad hangover from my previous lives.

Some days I wish there was an undo button for my day someplace, I could cover my ears, shut my eyes and wake up again to a different day. I so wish I could do that ...

Give your daughter all the happiness you can while you can. When the world takes over, she could use some to fight it better.

Regards,
-- Rishi
==================================================

P.S.: Kiss your daughter on the forehead for me will you please? And tell her I'm sorry for being in such a bad mood today; (emotional weekling that I am). Some day I'll make it up to her.

>From: "Deepak K Aneja" <deepak_aneja@h...>
>To: deepak_aneja@h...
>Subject: {95-98 Batch} Good News
>Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 20:32:51 +0530
>
>Hello Ji,
>
>Yesterday night I have been blessed
>with a baby girl. Both mother and baby
>are fine.
>
>:) :)
>Deepak

I know it's a little late to be writing a daylog for September 11 2001. And I guess this might sound a bit shallow, I don't know if it wasn't going to or if it is now because I just said that. But anyway. September 11, 1982 at 7:28am I was born in New York City. I live in Vancouver, BC now. Yes when I got to school that morning at 8am all happy that it was my birthday, my friend tells me that we have no more World Trade Center. The reason why I didn't know was because I just moved out into an apartment and we don't have a tv yet so I thought he was kidding. But everybody in the class started talking about it and I was like what? This is so screwed up. Yay birthday present! *that is to be taken sarcastically*. I can just imagine all the people who have birthdays on Sept 11.

I didn't know what to make of it, I've never lived there, and I'm not a very kind person I suppose because I was just like bleh at first. But after seeing footage of people throwing themselves out the windows and everything I thought it was really horrible. I think I felt worse for the firemen who went in to save the people and the building suddenly collapsed. I hated the people saying "God works in mysterious ways" to explain things.

I think that everything is really bad and everything but I thought it was stupid when Bush said "We will hunt them down and punish them!" which I thought he should have phrased better instead of being a war hungry man like his father. Sigh, as I'm hearing all the speeches that's he's giving, it makes me laugh at how his secretaries have to fix it up later when they speak. And the other thing I hate is how they keep calling the people who crashed the planes cowards. I don't believe you're a coward if you have faith enough to kill yourself for a cause. I call that bravery. In this situation does that make me sound like a bad person? It takes guts to hijack a plane, fly it, and then crash it and kill yourself in the process. I just think it's horrible that all those people had to die in the hijacked planes, but I guess there was no other way the terrorist could get planes that large, and they needed those people to send a message I guess.

Sigh, everything's just really horrible right now, and especially the media that use to make fun of Bush, now suddenly making him look like a hero. Sigh, propoganda. They are at war I suppose. There was a woman at work who started crying saying "I don't understand how there could be so much hate in the world." I was just like, but there is, why do you think all the other things in history have happened? But I don't know, don't get me wrong or anything, it's not like I don't care, I do, my cousin lived right in Lower Manhattan and everyone was quite worried. As anyone should be who has family members or friends living in New York at the moment and I have quite a lot.

But, me being not as compassionate as everyone I guess, I just find everything being really stupid right now. Like how everyone is handling things, especially Bush. I don't know, I could just be biased right now, I never liked Bush. But then again I didn't like Gore either. It just really sucks for Bush because he's only been President for a short while and taking on something like this with all the pressure around you for people who want an answer for why this happened a lot of people would take the same route, but I don't think they would use the same words.

It dawned on me today.

People here have such a profound effect on someone. It is uncanny. It is also almost completely taken for granted.

Any time I logged into #e, he was the first person to say hello. Always. I logged in this morning, and waited for the hello. I waited a good fifteen minutes.

And then, something unexpected happened. I started to cry.

I was one of the last people to talk to him.

I am still processing it. Yesterday, I was hurt, then numb. Then had to do something, ANYTHING, to stop thinking about it. I goofed off for the most part, which may have seemed callous to those who were around, but it was my way of dealing.

Of everyone, Adam is the one I am least worried about now. He is in a better place. I am now worried for those he has left behind. I grieve for his family. I grieve for his friends.

I was never very close to him, but I always found him to be a nice enough person, and we got along well. I hope he is happy now, wherever he is. I hope his family will in time understand the big question that is always asked "WHY?" and maybe little by little heal. I hope his friends here are not pressed too much for details as they grieve.

I hope.

---

In light of the current events, my very last sentence above rings even more true. I hope that everyone here is ok. I hope that those who have died are at peace. I hope this situation is handled with wisdom and calm. I hope. I hope. I hope.