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sitting outside my apartment in the cold silent night air. drinking jasmine tea. all the lights are out. mogwai fear satan flows out of the darkness behind me. there's nothing in my world but music and shadows. a hundred miles away a tea pot whistles.

it's been a long time since you've said(felt?) this, old friend. but you know, it's really good to be alive.

Ok, it's that time again. I'm back to school now. I should be studying instead of writing this. Specifically, I've got tons of assignment problems to due, and they're due tomorrow at 8:00 am! Ack! But, instead...

It's like a movie, where things just happen and you accept them, because it's a movie, and you know that movies aren't real, and ludicrious things can happen. But it's not a movie. It really is happening. Still, it feels so surreal, as if I'm not really living and working and doing all this stuff, more like I'm asleep and dreaming, and watching myself stop a runaway fire truck, watching my niece, watching myself get bad grades and ending up spending six years on a four year program. And then idiodic things popup, like how I start thinking about the invisible cars, and how I don't want to run into them. Nothing really weird I guess, nothing that wouldn't be normal for a slightly paranoid person, someone who really isn't paying attention to the world.

I don't want to waste another year in University. I realize how much work I should really putting in, how I should be reading and understanding. How I should really learn the things I need to learn so that I can move on. I can't say, oh, I'll figure it out on the exam anymore. I'm getting sick of feeling like an idiot for not really knowing what's going on in class because I haven't been keeping up and doing the reading or even paying attention in class. Sometimes we're the ones laughing at the people falling asleep, but sometimes we're falling asleep. I want to get straight A's this semester. Yeah right, like that'll happen. But any improvement is good, and I think I'm attaining that; I read something and understood why it was so, and understood how I would have never have been able to figure that one out at the last minute.

I've realized something about my writing lately. Sometimes I find myself writing in the most confusing style possible, just so that I can have fun trying to obscure the meaning or the setting or the action of my writing. It's not serving any purpose really, except for my own fun. Fortunetly, my factual writing doesn't suffer from this, so things like Lagrange Point turn out well. It's just recreational stuff that should really be deleted as soon as I finish it, because it truly sucks. It was fun to write the onslaught of man, but I don't think I would get anything out of it, reading it again. I'm not sure anyone else would either. There's an idea to it, a purpose, but it was just sort of tacked on to something that popped into my head while sitting in class one day. The idea at the end is worth exploring more, some factual nodes could come of it, some opinion on wilderness management, but as it is, that writeup sucks. I think something better could go with the title; that phrase sort of works for me, but I know I can do a better writeup, something that makes better use of the title.

So, I think I made a new friend. It's always good to make new friends, and I probably don't do it often enough. Having nothing interesting to say hinders the ability to make friends of course. I find a strange dichotomy within myself; I want to know more people, I want to fit in a little better, I want to be able to engage in casual conversation. At the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anybody, as if it's to much effort to try to come up with things to say and to respond in an appropriate fashion to what others have to say. I find myself imagining converstions with other people, people who might be interesting or might be interested in me. I imagine myself being expressive and articulate, and in my mind I can do these things, but I find myself imagining myself saying things that I would never revel to people I haven't known for years. I'm to guarded, I hate to share things about myself for fear of giving others ammunition to use against me in a weird sort of emotional warfare, for fear of burdening others with my problems, for fear of being a complete goofball. But that's really part of why I don't talk much.

Back to work.

I am finally getting what I want. I think. I am leaving a week from today for the great north, and can hardly think of anything besides that. My father's birthday is in a few days, and considering the fact that he's probably the age of most of your grandfathers, I'd say that's an accomplishment. He'll be 74. My mom wants me to bring my tarot with me and do readings for all their friends at the party. I would rather get that incredible claw walkingstick with the crystal in it for him, but since the stroke, I doubt he's strong enough to use it quite yet. But to me, such a stick would be incentive, I don't know. My da's a cool old bloke, I'm really proud of him.

As for the trip, I can hardly stand still I'm so excited. I just figured out a way for me to afford it today, last minute, but I know it will work. My guy sounds psyched that I'm coming, but it could have been the really good beer talking. Just think, I'll be with some of my favorite people in the world next week. Hey, don't feel left out, most of them are Everythingians. Yeah, I have geek envy.

I have tons of projects to finish before I leave though, so maybe I should go attempt being productive. But, this is a good day.

    I couldn't really get out of bed this morning, which was probably because I spent too much time reading last night (I just had to finish Kingdom Come). I arrived at work 10 minutes late, but no one cared so it's ok.

    The first thing I do when I get at work is read my email, and usually check E2, and some news websites. Reading the news really makes you happy... not! A ferry sank (33 dead at least), tourists died in a helicopter-accident, gas prices rise again, etc etc... Not really the news that makes a man happy. But at least there's still a certain girl that I can't get out of my head, and realising that I'll be seeing her on Saturday makes me happy again.

    For the rest of the day, I'll be working a bit, checking E2 regularly, and tonight I can probably be found on IRC again (on Dalnet, channels #holland-cafe and #heineken! usually, nickname Toki).

Sanity may have been recovered today at 10:00am BST but I'm not sure yet

...I looked up at the big clock on the city hall, having just departed from school and saw that it read 10:00 and suddenly felt free. “So what?", I here you saying, you had a free period so you went in to the shops to buy some guitar strings. The feeling was, however, short lived, as the more I looked around me at the shops and the people in their jobs and the more I thought back to the Sociology lesson on Marxism I had just had, the more I realised a wasn't free. However, it seemed to last just long enough to tip the balance in my back mind towards its usual state of quiet contentment. This was most definitely a good thing because as my last day log demonstrated, I have not been a happy bunny.

...Another thing that has made me happy today is my discovery of the upcoming performance of Stewart Lee at the Norwich Arts Centre. He is a very funny man and along with Richard Herrin made the hilarious, “Lea and Herrin’s with Richard not Judy” on BBC 2.

Reasons to be cheerful: Comedy is comming to town.

Reasons not to be cheerful: He's not bringing his friend.



I don't do very good daylogs, but here goes anyway.

I'm now in my third day back at **** at what in my home node I call 'Hell PLC'. We are now in a huge, custom-built corporate HQ, miles from anywhere. Security is tighter than a supermodel's corset. The food sucks. Internet usage has been tightly restricted. The actual work is a awful as ever. The only possible advantage is that the place overlooks a film studio backlot, and I can see tanks and such things coming and going for filming purposes.

At some stage, I'll node this company's appalling abuses of the English language.

On the bus this morning, an obstructive old lady with a Harrods shopping bag prevented a schoolboy from getting off, by sitting in his way, until he was two stops beyond where he needed to go. People are so nice.
I finally found the article that I heard about in class yesterday...

EPA takes testimony on deep well injection regulation
An Associated Press Report 8/22/00

Tampa - Federal environmental officials once thought injecting treated waste water deep underground would get rid of effluent and protect Florida's drinking water supply. Now they're not so sure....

prev September 27, 2000 next

coded all morning. lunched with friends of the fairer sex. E2'ed all afternoon.

dodged my supervisor consistently.


Ok, folks.. It's official.
Getting up at 8 was not meant for humans.

I'm actually feeling fine, considering that I've only slept 6-7 hours each night this week. Maybe it's the gorgeous autumn colors all around that are giving me the much-needed extra energy. I whined about the weather all summer, but now it looks like I can shut up about it for a good while. Fall just couldn't get any better than this.

My new location at the office isn't nearly as bad as I first feared. The only downsides would be the the flow of people walking past me on their way to the kitchen and the extreme heat on summertime. And the latter doesn't exist at the moment. On the + side, I have more personal space than almost any other employee here. Furthermore, the boss can't watch me all the time, which equals more noding! Wo-hoo.

At the moment, life feels quite sweet. And no, I'm not on drugs.
Don't worry, this feeling most likely pass soon. I'll be back on the daylog node complaining about some miniscule thing gone wrong before you know it.

Today's Writeups
Dream Log: September 27, 2000 | MC Peelo | Yamaha SY-1 | Yamaha SY-3

Finland Metanode | Yamaha

Track of the Day
Fallen Angel - Little Girl

Shoulda done this last night; oh well.

Drove a bunch of 4-6-year-olds from their school to the police station for a tour. The nice policewoman showing all the little kids around cop-central... Woohoo.

Got some important phone calls made for the move. Still quite a bit more to get done. I may lose net access (*gasp!*) for a bit until I can get it worked out on the other end. This is going to be extraordinarily unpleasant until we get things cleared up. Bleah.

My one class today was more useless than usual: stuff I've taught to students myself. Well, that's okay; I knew I'd be in for that when I signed up for the course. It wasn't unpleasant to sit through. And I got some work done figuring out the math for a node I've been working on.

where has love gone? can i love again? it's been three years without a significant other. things just seem infinitely intricate, i just can't seem to disengage my judgement for a moment and plunge into the dark. what happenned three years ago seems like an axe that had fallen. i didnt know at the time it had fallen straight on my nape. so here i am in this whirlwind of work. i cant seem to re-concile, as a child would, my playground with my love. this is as rilke might have had it, i tried and failed. is this the desolation of adulthood, the wilderness of responsibility, the lot of the damned? at times i am frantic to escape the realization when i feel the cracks swelling. at times i am content to pet my dog in resignation ... and watch as my affection changes the lines of its face and the way it cocks its head to one side. i wonder will i ever love again.

It's been a stressful two weeks I have to say with all of the testing done, the waiting is the hardest part. The doctor did mention frightening words like Alzheimer and dementia in relation to running in my family. Fortuantly , I could tell her no, but my grandmother suffered from dementia late in her life due to strokes from hardening of the arteries. So far I've only mentioned it and barely to my husband. He says no need worrying until there's something there to worry about.

Two people have commented this week about how I have 'madeover' myself in the past year. And yes even though I've lost weight and all that it doesn't seem to sink in at a level I can appreciate. The words are muffled and echoey and I'm in some sort of rubbery denial, like the haircut that cost twelve dollars. I watched the beautician's hands fly swiftly all over my head and hoped I would end up looking marvelous, but no. I looked like myself with less hair.

Howard Mumma wrote in his book Albert Camus and the Minister

God is here in the midst of all sharing his creatures' anguish, suffering with us .... and urging us to positive action.

Words of comfort to focus on during this time of waiting

He also writes about his promises made during his first interview with the Committee of Ordination and agreeing to the request of the committee chairman:

Promise me that you will never take the arm of a woman parishioner to help her up the steps, until she has passed her seventieth birthday!

...I waited.....a long time....... and finally Howard took hold of one of our classmates arm, a woman under the age of seventy, he's 91 and amazing! Needless to say as soon as her took her arm I mentioned his promise to the Ordination Committee...stopped him in mid sentence. Now our beloved Howard is a retired minister and believe me when I say he's never at a loss for words, but I had him this time! Oh yes I did! I could see the wheels turning and then he exclaimed,
"I wrote that in my book didn't I!!" Oh what a good laugh we all had!

Number Two Son has asked that we work out at the gym together after school and we did make one trip together where I showed him the weight machines. I hope he decides to make a commitment to exercise and encouraged him to try the gym facilities at the High School.

Sam is recovering well and I'm slowly easing her back into walking.

I'm so elated to see BaronCarlos back! I imagine he is all moved in and reveling in the shadows he loves so much! Several of you have /msgd me about him and please take a look through his nodes as he does define Carlosian things quite well or you may want to take a gander at The Guide to Field Identifications of BaronCarlos if you venture to chat with him.

I may be gone a while due to computer repairs. Editors who have recently /msgd their concerns about some of my node (and for some reason there have been a lot lately) please know I haven't forgotten and will attend to them ASAP!

The message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
-1 Corinthians 1:18

Keeping my focus on Jesus puts my life in proper order.(NRSV)


Since the weekend I've been trying to shake this cold. One of those sinus-flus brought on by the weather change. For those of you who protest, there are no seasons in California, I will nod, almost true, but there are subtleties, like when the weather changes from clear skies and sunny afternoons to foggy mornings and sunny afternoons. Since one's immune system tends to atrophy in paradise, one tends to catch colds from the smallest changes.

Sometime early this morning, around 1aM, I believe, I came out of my drowsy, sleep-like state to hear a woman's voice shouting "Hey! Hey!" somewhere outside my window. I have a ground floor window, so if I had been in a more alert state, I might have realized she was calling for someone else. But I rolled over, threw an arm affectionately around my pillow, and fell asleep again, warmer for the thought that someone was calling to me.

Just got a lump of unexpected money. Want to take a vacation. Looking for airline tickets; go to Priceline.com, and bid for two tickets. And I make a big mistake: for the amount bid, I put the total I expected to pay. What I should have done is put the price per ticket. So the amount I bid was 1/2 of the unexpected money. I push the button to do it, and lo and behold there is the real total:

Gone is the whole lump of unexpected money.

What is worse, is that now I have to tell my husband.

Well, another day log for me, my second. I received quite an encouraging response for yesterday's; it's also quite nice to do it, now I know why people write diaries.

So this was also my second day of my fourth year of Computer Science. Tiring, if you ask me, I'll be doing seven hours of class every wednesday, plus lab hours. Ahh! slaves of tomorrow.

Before going to school, went back to exchange a dvd (my brother's birthday present), but this one ain't working too. It's kind of strange, but I'll get a refund and give him Blade Runner, instead.

Class was nice, Security has started well, Image Processing looks very, very hard, Networks might be easy and Artificial Intelligence sounds interesting. The faculty's bar is quite nice (we've been moved, check yesterday for details), we've been playing cards after eating (lost badly, as always).

Back at home, I've been very surprised to find yesterday's uninspired day log with such a high rep, but well, 'de gustibus non est disputandum', or something like that.

I'm chatting right now with a friend from Argentina which I met on Napster! She was downloading some spanish music I had, and we started talking in english, lingua franca, but then we realized that we both had spanish as our mother tongue. That also reminds me of my intention of writing about some of my (too few, of course, I study Computer Science), female friends, which I might start to do now...

(by the way, I felt great about secret unrequited love ceased being my most popular write-up. It was, in a way, depressing)

The bible-thumping, sign-holding, megaphone-using assasins for Christ were out on campus today. I was attacked by one holding a huge sign who had a small child with her. The child shoved a quarter sheet of paper at me. Out of Habit I said, "Save the tree." (A lot of organizations like to give out flyers on our campus promoting their events. Which is not only a hideous waste of paper, but also a shame because there is no recycling program on campus.) The woman turned around and yelled after me, "We'd rather save your soul." I stopped walking and turned around and looked at her. "I'd rather you do your part in saving the tree." I went on my way to class.

In my first year Sanskrit class we talked about the cosmological significance of some of the concepts we've learned. The Language is tied to some pretty big concepts. There's a lot more to Om then you would think.

I spent much of yesterday worrying about my wife's health. I convinced her to go to the doctor a few weeks ago, and she has since been in for a battery of tests (x-rays and the like). We'll find out next week what's wrong, if they even know.

I don't like to bother other people with my problems, so I bottle them up and hope they age well. This one just led to knots in the muscles of my back. I hoped that a good nights sleep would fix that.

I woke up this morning still tense, so I sat in the shower and while the hot water streamed over my head and down my back, I meditated. By the end of my meditation, I had positioned myself firmly in the present, expanded my physical being to encompass a vast expanse of inner space which was very quiet and peaceful, and was physically relaxed.

Mid-morning, I was sitting at a conference table in the middle of a long drawn out meeting and began to feel myself tensing up again. Instead of going there, I quietly slipped into that vast expanse of nothingness inside myself and bathed in the peace while I continued to smile and nod outwardly at their suggestions and concerns.

I had gone for a refreshing swim, and they hadn't even missed me.

It's so nice carrying a large wad of inner space around with you.

Watch, as the pieces crumble.

  • I owe the school $5000. I have the money, but getting the money has turned into a huge problem. The trust fund, established for such purposes, has hit a snag somewhere, and I have not yet seen the money. I check my balance every day, and yet it is not there. I also check my online tuition billing information, anxiously wondering if I'll see any holds placed upon my records. None exist. They will soon, unless God, or First Union Bank intervenes.
  • I need to change my major. Computer Science does not interest me any more. I will probably never write another program in my life, save for the much-fabled windowmaker dock applet that grabs Sports scores & displays them. Not many Linux geeks like sports, which is probably why I use Windows. IS seems to be my best bet. We've heard the sayings since we've been freshmen: IS is Computer Science without the math or programming. From my experience, C.S. is all programming and math, so nothing would be a nice change of pace. But in the end, I'll still get a diploma.

    The question remains, with nearly half of my college career behind me, will I be able to make the switch? I cannot tell my father that I'll be going to college for another year to finish my degree. I can no longer put this type of strain on him.
  • I need to get back to the gym. I feel lousy.
  • My Necromancer died. So what? He was hardcore (meaning, if he dies, he's gone). He was level 59. I gave all of my equipment to a friend, and cursed computer games for the rest of my life.
  • There's a big hole in my life. I feel like I should be doing homework, or being with someone I love, except I have no homework, and nobody to love. She told me that she broke up with her boyfriend. This saddened more than anything else. I guess, despite my feelings for her, I was truly happy for them. I have no feelings for my non-existent homework, as all homework that I should be doing is for classes that I'll probably end up dropping in a few days.
  • I think I'll go to sleep now. Tomorrow, like every day for the past few weeks, is going to be another uphill climb. I see the summit. I see my banner, held over my shoulder. I see the bruises on my body, wearing me down. I also see the houses on the ground, far far below. It's easier now to go down, to give up. I made it pretty damn far, why go further? Why not just turn back, live a comfortable life with what I have?

I don't give up. That's why.

My son's first writeup! /me giggles...
0n m

909n bd gfbdrt bbrbm m ffe8mkul8 ,,,/. rrr b
I had to let him do it, folks. He sees his daddy and I plunking away at our keyboards all the time. How could I refuse him when he came up to me with that angelic smile on his face, saying "Up... up!!!" Little does he know what experiences await him. For now, though, I'm glad he loves books more than computers. /me wonders how long that is going to last!
19:24 PST
Met a really cute girl today when we both tried to park in the commuter parking lot but couldn't find parking spots. We ended up inventing spots next to each other and walking up through campus to our respective destinations, chatting all the way about nothing in particular. We exchanged names before we parted, but I forgot hers. I know her year, what college she transferred from this year and even that she lives on the same street as me, but not her name, for God's sake. I feel like maybe she was as interested in me as I was in her, but I can't be sure. When I went back to my car to head home, her's was still parked behind me. I briefly contemplated leaving a note on her windshield telling her my phone number or email address or something, but that's just not me.
(sigh) Another lost opportunity.

Today has been a good day. My kitty seems to be recovering from Snuffles (cat Flu), I had a nice long sleep, I went to the flea-market, and I realised just how strong my feelings are for a certain someone.

Why do people only realise how much they care about a person when that person has gone away on business? I miss him so much; I feel lost. But atleast my little baby kitty is going to be fine.

At the flea-market today, I saw this little boy go over to a stall, pick something up, and throw it onto the floor. He then giggled, and ran off. I was shocked, kids can be so naughty.

I also went to visit my horses today, and I now have a nice big bite mark on my arm. My one horse likes to lick my arm, and today he got a little bit carried away.

I hope tomorrow will be filled with happiness.

Today is the day everyone is being a stranger and I keep putting my foot in my mouth cause I am being Susie to a whole new, higher degree, and I don't know when to shut the hell up.

If you know me, you realize it's some scary shit .

But I like it.

Pain makes me feel real.

...Sometime...Sometime else...

8:54 AM EST -- I want a second opinion, damnit!

Bugger, is it 9 already? I've gotta leave at 9:40 for classes... Lemme check another clock.

8:56 AM EST -- Can I get a third and fourth opinion, as well?

Nope, no use, it's 9, and I overslept. Time to get washed up fast, get food, my daily comics and news, and get outta here.

Curiously, it takes MORE time to go to Burger King than it does to make toast. Hurm. Must take this into account with my calculations.

BTW, for those keeping score, I'm still not driving the Escort yet... I still have my reliable Pinto with me until my dad's had a chance to look the Escort over. I'm still happy.

12:00 PM EST -- Das Deutsch ist kaput

Time to head back into the magic language labs for more audio-backed INSANITY! This time, however, I have the answer manual (Which our German professor told us to buy)... which means I can read along as they ramble off their German thang.

Too bad they lack the video I need to finish the homework. The professor should understand. Maybe.

4:40 PM EST -- I've got a small bank account, and you expect me to do economics?

Great. Now I've got to finish my economics homework, and I STILL need help in math modelling... THE TEST BEING TOMORROW! I'm screwed.

But it's been a boring day.

10:00PM EST -- I'm honored!

Wow... after a quick search for any node with CaptainSpam in it's title (Ego trip, or to check if a node exists? You make the call), when I come across "CaptainSpam is a fuckwit". I was honored. Not since the likes of Juliet and Saige has anyone been honored by such a nodeshell. I was so honored that I put in a nuke request and was done with it.

You love me... you all really love me...

Next time, I'll save the nodeshell and add to my writeup count. That's a threat.


Hey, now... time for the future. I've almost got NixMixTwo ready to roll, soon as I make three new skits to plunk on it. Next, I need more doodles and such. I need to get my brain on paper more often.

ooh. first daylog. i can hardly wait for the fabled downvote

  • so, i got an email back from blizzard tech support. looks like my battle.net account is gone for good. somehow someone got access to it and changed the account's password. bugger. looks like i have to go and change all the other passwords that were similar to that one. i mean, i don't mind too much. it's not like i had any level 50 characters, but still. it bothers me. and no, i didn't fall for the "/w 31337_d00d with your password to get your battlenet ranking!" thing. buh.
  • 2nd day of classes. bleh. spanish is going to kick my ass, i can tell already. three more quarters, too.
  • i'm thinking of getting a cat. perhaps this weekend. then i could get the pet deposit into my landlord with my rent. hmm.
mmkay. that's it.

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