This
Dungeon List is
Copyright 1996-
1998 by
Peter Anspach . If you enjoy it,
feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not
altered in any way and (2) this
copyright notice is attached.
101. I will not
order my trusted
lieutenant to kill the
infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it
myself.
102. I will not
waste time making my
enemy's
death look like an
accident -- I'm not
accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "
mercy"; I simply choose not
show them any.
104. My
undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
military boots or adhere to any other
dress codes.
105. I will design all
doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a
mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his
evil ways and seek to undo
the
damage he's caused.
106. If my
supreme command center comes under
attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared
escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops
break into my
inner sanctum to attempt this.
107. Even though I don't really
care because I plan on living
forever, I will hire
engineers who are able to build me a fortress
sturdy enough that, if I am
slain, it won't tumble to the
ground for no good
structural reason.
108. Any and all
magic and/or
technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through
self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109. I will see to it that
plucky young lads/lasses in strange
clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my
capital and
denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to
rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be
jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the
hero's
party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is
sprung.
111. I will offer
oracles the choice of working
exclusively for me or being
executed.
112. I will not rely entirely upon "
totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely
impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an
emergency.
114. I will never accept a
challenge from the hero.
115. I will not
engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are
dead.
116. If I capture the hero's
starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the
blast-range.
117. No matter how much I want
revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
118. If I have
equipment which performs an important
function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could
trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally
wounded.
119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a
venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
henchmen instead.
120. Since nothing is more
irritating than a hero defeating you with basic
math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more
shot than the standard issue.
121. If I come into possession of an
artifact which can only be used by the
pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it
regardless.
122. The gun
turrets on my
fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct
fire inward or at each other.
123. If I decide to hold a
contest of
skill open to the
general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded
cloaks and
shave their beards before entering.
124.
Prior to
kidnapping an older
male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his
offspring and make sure that he has neither a
beautiful but
naive daughter who is
willing to
risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged
son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
125. Should I actually
decide to kill the hero in an
elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc. ) I will not leave him alone
five-to-ten minutes prior to "
imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's
demise.
126. Rather than having only one secret
escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few
dozen decoys to throw him off track.
127.
Prison guards will have their own
cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on
duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting
food or
drink from any other source will result in
execution.
128. I will not
employ robots as agents of
destruction if there is any possible way that they can be
re-programmed or if their
battery packs are externally mounted and easily
removable.
129. Despite the delicious
irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the
arena.
130. All members of my
Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored
uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's
reach.
132. Before appointing someone as my trusted
lieutenant, I will
conduct a thorough background
investigation and
security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her
executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new
fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the
orientation meeting.
134. If I am escaping in a large
truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small
Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he
attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A
rudimentary knowledge of
physics can prove quite
useful. )
135. My
doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced
technological device called a
capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last
second. (If I have access to
REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a
battery. )
136. If I build a
bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire
red.
137. Before spending available funds on
giant gargoyles,
gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid
military expenditures that
could use the
extra budget.
138. The
passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the
spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more
effective.
139. If I'm sitting in my
camp, hear a
twig snap, start to
investigate, then encounter a small
woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the
safe side. (If they
disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the
napalm. )
140. I will
instruct my guards when checking a
cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may
enter and
search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which
case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses
no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of
children. My sons will be too busy
jockeying for position to ever be a
real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each
other's attempts to win the hero.
142. If I have
children and
subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to
her why it is necessary to kill her beloved
grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way
over her head, that will be her cue to pull the
lever and send him into
the pit of
crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend
quality time with the grandkids.
143. If one of my daughters actually manages to
win the hero and openly defies me, I will
congratulate her on her choice, declare a
national holiday to celebrate the
wedding, and
proclaim the hero my
heir. This will probably be enough to break up the
relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are
holding a parade in his honor.
144. I will order my guards to stand in a
line when they shoot at the
hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below,
and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed
pipes. While they add to the gloomy
atmosphere, they are good conductors of
vibrations and a lot of prisoners know
Morse code.
146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly
innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately
vaporized instead of brought in for
salvage.
147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories:
untrusted,
trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded
posthumously.
148. Before
ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a
device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a
copy of the
schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't
possibly work.
149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or
staircases, and
chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the
ceiling.
150. I will provide
funding and
research to develop
tactical and
strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "
hand to hand combat with swords" and
"
blow up the planet".
151. I will not set myself up as a
god. That
perilous position is reserved for my
trusted lieutenant.
152. I will instruct my
fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance
body armor goes well with every
outfit.
153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity
employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can
defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of
non-traditional gender roles.
154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first
ascertain the
identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in
hot pursuit.
155. If I know of any heroes in the
land, I will not under any circumstance
kill their
mentors,
teachers, and/or
best friends.
156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my
Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are
available.
157. Whenever plans are
drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the
completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to
occur and not worry too much if they get
stolen.
158. I will exchange the labels on my
folder of
top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for
Grandma's Potato Salad.
159. If I burst into
rebel headquarters and find it deserted
except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll
run like hell.
160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror,
potential recruits will have to pass
peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a
pebble thrown to
distract them.
161. I will occasionally vary my daily
routine and not live my
life in a
rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of
wine or ring a giant
gong before finishing off my enemy.
162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on
public display.
163. When planning an
expedition, I will choose a
route for my forces that does not go through
thick,
leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
164. I will hire one hopelessly
stupid and
incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
165. As an equal-opportunity
employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to
speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards
can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the
room.
166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my
computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international
technology
conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his
dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the
genius.
168. I will plan in
advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are
captured. That way, I will never have to
order someone to be tied up while I decide his
fate.
169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a
small business and include things such as
virus-scans and
firewalls.
170. I will be an equal-opportunity
despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a
rebellion.
171. I will not locate a base in a
volcano,
cave, or any other
location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by
rapelling down from above.
172. I will allow guards to operate under a
flexible work
schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement,
punch out, take a
nap, and come back refreshed and
alert to finish out his
shift.
173. Although it would provide
amusement, I will not confess to the hero's
rival that I was the one who committed the
heinous act for which he blames the hero.
174. If I am dangling over a
precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then
return to the
safety of my fortress and order his
execution.
175. I will have my fortress
exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the
dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once
placated.
176. I will add indelible
dye to
the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
177. If a
scientist with a beautiful and unmarried
daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her
hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's
college
tuition.
178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to
finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?"
Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will
now be heading for
him.
179. I will not outsource
core functions.
180. If I ever build a
device to transfer the hero's
energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in
reverse.
181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in
tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a
checkpoint will be set on
fire.
182. I will not hold any sort of public
celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the
public will be held down the road in the festival
pavilion.
183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a
surge suppressor.
184. I will hire a
drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my
Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds
American) or my
Cornwall accent
(if everyone sounds
British).
185. If I capture an enemy
known for escaping via
ingenious and fantastic little
gadgets, I will order a full
cavity search and
confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my
dungeon.
186. I will not devise any
scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own
devices.
187. I will not hold
lavish banquets in the middle of a
famine. The good
PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the
masses.
188. I will
funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into
urban renewal projects. Although slums add a
quaint and
picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for
heroes.
189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that
incompetent old fool. " Chances are, that incompetent
old fool is standing
behind
the
curtain.
190. If my mad
scientist/
wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to
complete the tests. No one ever
conquered the
world using a
beta version.
191. I will not appoint a
relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is
nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in
policy, but it also causes trouble with the
EEOC.
192. If I appoint someone as my
consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a
younger, more
attractive woman.
193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as
a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent
death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything
with his
true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak,
slow-witted,
naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the
moment of dramatic climax.
194. I will make several
ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195. I will not use
hostages as
bait in a
trap. Unless you're going to use them for
negotiation or as
human shields, there's no point in taking them.
196. I will hire an expert
marksman to stand by the entrance to my
fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to
challenge me.
197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to
throw a
sword at the hero or
club him with a
gun will be
summarily
executed.
198. I will remember that any
vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
199. I will not make
alliances with those more
powerful than myself. Such a
person would only
double-cross me in my moment of
glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful
than myself. I will then double-cross them in their
moment of glory.
200. During times of
peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around
drinking mead and
eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my
dietician and my
aerobics instructor.