Another day, another crisis. My mom has a foster kid... he got drunk lastnight and punched a hole in the wall...I suspect she'll make him go to rehab for this one. Anyways.... So I'm a newbie but I got cooled aready, yay go me! Guess someone here likes Grand Ams. It's FRIDAY which means that I can go get drunk on Vodka and read Inanna to cute girls. That is, if I knew any cute girls who wanted me to read them Sumerian Hymns. I don't really feel like playing with my computers tonight, but hey... what are daylogs for?
Everyone enjoy your weekend and be safe and sane, peace hippies.

You know, it occurs to me, it's the 6th, at 6:22pm and this is the october 7 daylog.. moops, but the above also applies to saturday night so I guess it's all good.

Today... *Sigh*... I discovered that one of my biggest fears is being loved. I don't know why, but I realised tonight that when I am interested in a certain person, and he starts showing interest towards me, I back off; get totally scared, and find myself making up excuses to myself; reasons why that person is not right for me.

I was out tonight with someone I have very strong feelings for, and he was showing a lot of interest in me, and it scared me. I didn't know what to say to him, I found myself looking for people that I knew, so I had a reason to leave our table for a few minutes. Maybe I am just shy, maybe it is more. Who knows... *Sigh*.

I made a lot of mistakes tonight that I am busy regretting right now as I am typing this, just looking back on our evening, aarrrgh! If only there were something one could take, something to make it all okay when you're seeing someone that you truly like. Goodness me, maybe im just a hopeless case, but then again, who really knows.

I also realised today that true friends are the most important people, and just how hard it is to find a true, true friend. I was out with this girl I know, and she is so genuine, really keen on helping out when someone is down, or upset about something. She is never in it for anything more than a little support, and friendship back. Those are the kind of people we need this world to be filled with.

I hope I didn't mess up too badly tonight.

Shit. Well, today, tiring. Me and Bryon, a friend of mine, are writing a story where the overarching premise is that ownership is theft, and we still think that's a good idea, but it seems that every idea we had that worked within that premise was cliched and done before. {sigh}. It's slightly depressing.

I found out that the Blue Meanies will be playing in my backyard on October 26, 2000. That's the day after my birthday, but I'm working anyway, and I've never been a big fan.

I'm still out of soda-pop. I had 2 hot dogs and 1 cup of rice to eat today.

A friend of mine that was coming down to visit, then wasn't, has once again, decided to come and visit, and I couldn't get the newspapers that he wanted so he could look for a job.

I'm kind of depressed right now. I'm kind of tired and bored and lonely. My roommates that I enjoy hanging out with have decided to go out. I may call someeone else I know and see if we can cheer each-other up, I don't think she will come out.

I called my girlfriend, too, but she had an old friend over at her place. She seemed like she was having fun. Good for her, you know. Good for her. I stayed home. I spent about two hours crying for no reason.

It's these times that I'm glad I'm broke, or else I'd probably go out and buy lots of drugs and/or liquor. I just want someone to be with, to talk to, something. It's these times that are hardest on me to. I would play my guitar, but I know I'll end up breaking it in frustration.

Oh, what a day. I started off with work, 9-2, part-time data entry, and not hard at all. All in all, a good time to gather my thoughts as I mindlessly plug numbers into a computer. At 2, I left, and sped to the doctor’s office for an appointment with my gynecologist, and once there, I got my first ultrasound; even though my appointment was just to talk about options for pregnant chicks, it’s policy that I get one… and of course, when the doctor asked if I wanted to look, I said yes. I’m a sucker for that sort of thing. So there I was, feet up in the air, staring at the quivering insides of my uterus, seeing for the first time this thing that’s growing inside me. Needless to say, I left the doctor’s office sobbing hysterically, shaking, unable to breath. I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown in my car… how can I look at that, actually SEE it, and not care if I kill it? Not feel like a murderer, not feel like I’m committing some horrible moral sin? Don’t get me wrong—I’m incredibly pro-choice, but once I’m actually in the situation for real, it’s hard to go with it.

Finally, I make it home from the doctor in one sane piece, and log online to talk to my best friend (who’s a saint to me; I’m so damn stubborn, sometimes I wonder why she puts up with me, but I love her for it). Instead, I get in a conversation with the probable father (I think most of us know him on here, but that’s all I’m saying), and seeking some sort of comfort, tell him that I suddenly can’t even fathom going through with my previous choice of abortion. But it turns out that he’s self-centered, and cares a) not about my well-being, and b) not about the fact that I’m about 96% sure it’s his and not my boyfriend’s (I know, how wrong of me), but about the fact that I may get the urge to keep it and he’ll be stuck paying child support for 18 years. It all comes down to money; how pathetic. I can sort of see how it wouldn’t be fair of me to tell him that I’m going to give it up for adoption and then suddenly decide to keep it and hit him up for money… but… at the same time, I really would have thought that the chance that he’s got a flesh-and-blood piece of him inside me would motivate him into some sort of caring and concern.

My boyfriend is home from work by now, so I go over there, again, thinking foolishly that maybe he will console me. Of course, he sees that I’m upset, and I tell him that it’s because I got the ultrasound and freaked out… all hell breaks loose, and he starts screaming at me, cursing, violent. In no uncertain terms, he tells me if I don’t get that damn abortion, I shouldn’t ever talk to him again. I wonder if he even thought that I’m stressed out enough as it is; I don’t need his stupidity and moronic head games to make it worse. Seething with anger, I just left. And he wonders why I’ve suddenly become very frigid and aloof when I’m around him….

Then I had to sit through three hours of American History. I love the class…. But tonight, my mind was obviously elsewhere. Fittingly enough, I’m now listening to Ice Cube’s “Today Was a Good Day”.


Well, I'm alive. I think.

Morning wasn't bad. Except for one hideous pun: MoonTV mentioned that Championship Bass, a fishing game, has a net(work) game mode. ARRRRGH!

Nothing interesting so far... but the day will probably have more than enough challenges. I haven't even had time to concentrate on the digital media excercises... Well, at least Telsi works nicely with Mozilla.


In the Usenet. Discussion about food. Promised not to give the recipe for Swedish Lemon Angels. =)


Had the network down. Again. =( Well, I grabbed those cool pictures from the Pokemon movie and made a picture out of them...


::WWWWolf stands in the middle of nowhere, alone, ignored by everyone...::


Well, I updated the darn RGRNCA web page. Finally. It has not been updated since May... - or, if that doesn't work, try

...tons of more or less cool WaR3z K1d 3DuKaT1on.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.:
Updated: XDnD

I've just had a wisdom tooth out a few hours ago. It was the upper one mentioned in "my wisdom tooth issue."

When I rolled up the the reception desk I was immediatly given two regular painkiller tablets.

In the waiting room, I meet friends from college, one of whom had just had three out. Her mouth and teeth were stained red. With blood. But she seemed OK.

The dentist met me with a hearty handshake. He was an extraction specialist, brought in for a day's tooth pulling. The only part that hurt was the anaesthetic injections. The dentist then went in with what looked like a little crome crowbar and drew the tooth part way out. He then removed it all the way with a perfectly normal looking wrench. He elected to leave the supernumerary in for fear of puncturing my sinus, but suggested that it may just drop out by itself later.

During the proceedure, I couldn't feel any pain, but I could feel and hear everything shifting around in my mouth.


Now it's 6.15pm, and I've got a dull ache on the affected side of my face. It turns out I've bitten the inside of my cheek while impervious to pain, too. Natch. And I've just helped hugo rune build a bookshelf from MFI, thereby solving our storage problems at a stroke. Makes a change from stealing stuff off the street.

I hate working on a Saturday. But unfortunately, today I have to. Some new programs were are going live today, and I have to be there. Why? I don't know, since I don't really do anything important here today. My supervisor can do it for me.
I got here at 2PM, when I had to start. First thing I heard when I walked in the door was: "we're running 3 hours late". Now that really didn't make me happy, as you might imagine.

I'm planning on seeing my girlfriend this evening. No matter how late I'll be finished here at work, I'll see her. So at least I have something good to look forward to.

Tonight I'm taking Phyllis Stein and his friend out to see Karen Mason in Arci's Place. I think I'm going to get my suit, but I haven't cleaned it yet. I'm sure I'm getting a shirt and tie for the evening, though.

Before the evening starts, I have to start my essay for my sci-fi television class. The essay is a few days due, and it's a battery of questions with a three-page limit. Pray for me, kids!

In 6:15 PM in Arci's Place, I met up with Rob (Phyllis Stein's real name!) and we were supposed to have dinner before the show. The waiters didn't get through with the menus, but I had a virgin mary beforehand. We were talking a bit about the shows we've watch and the actors we've seen.

The show was great as always. The only thing I missed seeing was a little pin that Karen worn on the back of her gown (because it was cut too low on the back).

When I walked Rob back to Penn Station, I was talking about the DVDs I wanted to buy: My Favorite Broadway: The Leading Ladies, or Evil Dead II. I bought "Evil Dead II" in the Virgin Megastore in Times Square.

Ergg.. Saturday.

Spending all day writing a paper... The professor handed it out under the heading Take Home Quiz. Lying jerk. A 7-10 page paper is most definately not a Quiz. If he'd said paper, I'd be cool with it, but nooooooo..... Ah well, such is life. This paper is on The Importance of poetry in Heian Japan, I'll node it when I get the grade. I promise.

I'm also reading La Defence Intellectuale for my World War I Primary Source readings in French class. I haven't taken French in 5 years, so this aught to be interesting. The good thing is that the class is one-on-one with the TA, and he's a pretty patient person.

On the home front, my parents are coming to visit tommorrow. They don't drive out to Lawrence often, and it suprises me that they are coming out so close after my father's stroke. This means that I have to clean house. The place is a wreck.

My wife is busy getting her Grad School application packet ready. I'm extremely proud of her, she's great at French and I think that she'll do very well in Grad School. The down side is that she doesn't have a lot of free time for me. Bummer.
That's all the news that's fit to print.
Signing off.

Today was the day I shit myself.

After an hour in the car with two screaming kids, my wife and I were both on edge. As we walked into the house, kids still wailing, my wife turns to me - with rage in her eyes - and berates me for not having done the dishes. Having regained some control of my facilities, I figured I could either lunge at my loving wife, rip out her tongue and nail it to the wall; or go somewhere else to calm down. As I am trying to be a good father and husband I chose the latter. So I walked out the front door and headed north on foot.

Now I live in the south of Tampa, and my walk took me through some of the city's most luxurious neighborhoods. Although I was filled primarily with self-hate, I found myself overcome with desire for a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, my two daughters playing hide and seek in a huge, immaculate backyard.

I walked through these neighborhoods to my church. My goal was to sit for as long as possible in the presence of God to try and sort my life out. But no-one was there, and all the doors were locked.

As I turned around to walk home, I slowly started to realize I really, really had to go to the bathroom. My breakfast had consisted of two bowls of cereal and a large serving of Dr. Pepper. However I was a good ten minutes' walk from home, or any public toilet. And the neighborhood I was in did not lend itself to strangers inviting one in to go potty.

So it happened. A large, steaming bowel movement began to fill up my boxer shorts, and slowly began to drip down the back of my legs as I walked. Here and there little chunks fell to the ground as well.

Luckily the streets were deserted. I passed a few cars and pedestrians, but no-one noticed. As I walked past these enormous houses I became aware of a perverse, primitive impulse: to scoop out a big hunk of feces from my shorts and fling a bit into each driveway to mark my path.

Tomorrow it's supposed to get cold.

back | days | forth

Hippy Happiness in Horsey Land

I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her!

Damn, I am in girlotron's debt soo much. I spent 6 hours talking to katyana today. I deleted a daylog earlier, she got the wrong end of the stick and called me up pissed as hell at me, then we spent 6 hours making up. yay!

She's my girl. I love her so much!

I will see her at the end of the month, and I will tell her how much I love her and I will write and read her poetry and stories.

This is such an amazing feeling, being in love. I care for her far beyond my normal caring for another human. I have shared things that I would have never dreamed of sharing. She has brought out the best of me, I trust her completely, enough to read to her. I never read to people, I always hated the sound of my voice until now...

My first free Saturday in weeks...seems unnatural. I had set my alarm clock for 9:15, but repeatedly hit the Snooze button until 10:30.

Not knowing what to do with myself, I wandered around, and decided to take a jog with my dog. I dressed in my running pants, a t-shirt, and sneakers, and found my dog's leash. She started jumping up and down as I put it on her, so I left the house quickly.

We started jogging, but the dog had to pee, so I stopped for a sec. She finished, and we kept going. I saw a group of highschoolers, and didn't want them to see me in my jogging suit with my dog, so I turned around to go the other way.

We jogged down the street, past my house, and one house after there were some people outside. They looked in my direction. Embarrassed, I turned around again, and went home. My dog didn't care that much, but I felt like a sloth, so I got out my trampoline and my music and jumped for 15 minutes.

I felt good then, but still had the whole day with nothing to do, so I walked around the house again. My mom is away for the weekend, so the house was a mess. I noticed this, and started cleaning it up. I picked the junk off the floor, and put all the papers on the table in a pile, and put all the dishes in the sink. Then I went into my room, and it was disgusting. Junk was everywhere -- I don't know how I had been living in there!

I cleaned up everything, sorted out my clothes in Throw Out, Keep, Wash, and Give Away piles. I have a lot more closet space now, yay!

My dad got up, and he wanted to go to the guitar store and look at an electric guitar for my birthday. I agreed eagerly, and got dressed right away, and sat on the couch to wait for him to be ready. We were just about to leave, but Bill called, and he talked to him for about half an hour.

We finally left, and went to the local music store first. The old lady who runs it was nice enough to us, but a local college student came in, looking at some bass guitars, and the lady said crankily, "You're not going to just look, are you? Some of those kids just come in here during their breaks, play the guitars, break a string, and leave." The kid assured her that he was a music major and was actually interested, but she kept bugging him. He got fed up and left, and we did too, wondering how many customers she lost that way.

Next my father and I headed to the a little store near the mall, up in Nashua. It was very good - the employees were knowledgeable and friendly, and there was a huge selection. I tried out a couple of guitars, and decided on one I really liked. My dad said we were just looking for today, and we left.

I got home, and found that my friend Steve had called from work, wanted to hang out when he got home. I had lost his work number, so I didn't call back, but I felt kind of bad. I did want to do something, though, when he got home.

My brother got home, with his friend Ryan, and we hung out for a long time. I tried calling Steve a few times, but nobody answered, and I suspect he went and did something without me.

Colin and Ryan and I worked on my song. I have two different versions, a pop versionand a sad version, so we worked on lyrics. Colin's been writing most of them, since I've been having poet's block. We got a few more lines, but I don't love them too much. It probably won't get anywhere, anyway. I have the talent but no skills.

Colin and Ryan went back to Ryan's house, and I, not ready to go to bed, got on the computer. Colin, forgetting that I don't have DSL like he does at school, had left me online for the last two hours. Great. Considerate as I am, I didn't bother getting off and checking the answering machine, I just sat down to write this magnificent day log.

The End.


Finished section B in the Dictionary of Sexology

~3:30 started getting ready for homecoming (the dance)
4:00 ready. Well sorta, need to put on clothes, will wait until its better time to do that so i don't get them all fuzzy and the like.
4:30 Mom insists that dad take pictures of me with my newly aquired sword while i'm dressed up, bleh, put on clothes and take sword pictures.
4:50 Right on time, call girlfriend to tell her we're leaving. She's doing her hair, i am informed she will call when she is ready. No estimate, just will call. Ok no big deal, at least to me, because all i can think of is ``weeeee i get to see her with something done to her hair'' (normally she's just left it straight)
5:20 Out the door.

Dear god did she look good.

Her house, pictures at her house (thankgod my mom is out of town), early pictures at the school, to_olivegarden(); Informed of 1hour wait, well whatever, need food. 15 minutes later we are seated for dinner, and somebody takes the tab from me for the drink i got while waiting.

Time passes, good dinner, no change from my drink yet, there is no way in hell that schmuck who poured me a coke is getting a 3 dollar tip. Whatever, get money back, it was thought to be from the last party so it went to the wrong person anyways, eh, stuff happens.

Get to the dance right as they start letting people in, fun dance, i danced, she danced (both of us for the first time less slow danceing) The DJ was actually good this time, he kept a general dance beet going, some of it even strings of techno songs, others popular songs with a dance beet over them. Lighting good, he WASN'T out to replace all breathable oxygen in the room with fog-machine crap. Music wasn't even too loud.

After the dance, i find the party i have been assured we're going out with afterwords, only to find out, he hasn't asked the driving party yet. Well that's great, call dad to come get us, after some debating we wind up at Bakers Square, the single most divine place to have a slice of pie.

12:30ish, her mom comes to pick us up and take us home, her mom being more sympathetic to the whole thing than my parents, who think that anything past like 10:00 is ``too late''.

Overall fun night, wasn't going to let the kid or my dad ruin the night for us.

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