so i really sometimes resent my
mom. i find it so terribly maddening how she behaves sometimes.
in regards to my
stomach pains, now that test results have come back normal, i think i have to try to figure out if maybe i'm
crazy or stressed... feeling physical pain for non-physical reasons. i know stress won't turn my crap white, but...
see, and here's why i sometimes resent my
mother. she's a certified
looney. i mean like in and out of
boobie hatches for years. scars on the wrists, burns on the arms, the whole deal.
when all your female relatives died of
breast cancer, every bump feels like
cancer. i'm in a similar situation. mom's a
loon. dad's a
loon. dad's mom is a
loon. and i look just like
mom, and it only makes things worse. how much did i inherit from
her? why did she have to be nuts? i feel like everyone knows, and looks at me funny. assumes i'm a
loon. i feel like i must factor in the possibility of
insanity into every decision i make, every thing i say.
so yeah. i think i'll raise the question to my
doctor. could i be nuts? could this be
stress? should i go talk to
someone? might that
help?
and argh. the
doctor told me to let him know if taking
nitroglycerin during an attack helps... but i'm too
chicken to actually take it. it's an old-people-with-heart-problem drug. i'm 24. the
side effects can suck. and there's not been any studies done to see if it causes
cancer in humans. oh hell no.
wake up. walk the dog, go to the store to buy a grow light and wind up finding an
aeonium arboreum and a cute pink
echeveria. almost picked up a
gasteria and a small
aloe, but didn't. i already have too many plants, so i should stick with my focus on the
rosette forming
succulents.
the
echeveria is young, but it looks well. it is a hybrid called "Pearle von nuenberg". it has a nice pink and grey/green colour which can't be achieved without proper light. The
aeonium is
etiolated, many of the bottom leaves were dead, and the center is
green. the
etiolation and green center are signs of too little light, and i think overwatering is the culprit for leaf drop. it is a "swartkop" variety, and the whole
rosette should be a dark purple black colour. it is not beyond saving, and i will try to turn it into a gorgeous
specimin.
dunno what to do with the rest of my day. a top-to-bottom cleaning of the
apartment? a long
bath? visit my
sister? maybe all of the above or maybe
none.