What you are about to read will make very little sense.

The following are the most important rules to remember when about to meet strangers for the first time:

    1) Prepare your arsenal of bad jokes. In case an emergency first impression is called for they will be invaluable.

    2) Avoid wasting time looking for "Intellectual, Pseudo" in the Vancouver telephone directory - he isn't in there. Neither is "Pit of Doom." Lower your silly inhibitions and get ready to yell "b0nk!"

    3) Practice rigourously with your foam boffers beforehand in case of an ambush en route.

    4) Phear Beatle 4 he will Hax0r U.

    5) Do not under any circumstances let BLUCK! touch your children.

    6) it's not like I was going ram it up their poop shoots

    7) If in doubt, offer large gifts of porn.

    8) If people start looking at you like you have a large button-hat, remain calm. Tell that your name is François and you're just in town for a week.
    Then kick them hard & hop.

    9) girl walks up to us and says she's waiting for a friend named crystal - she comes back several minutes later. "Big like santa claus", she said. We had only seen the girl with a french horn. Oh well.

    10) Bring Jolt. Even if you don't drink it it can substitute as an emergency boffer.

    11) When you reach the border crossing, LIE. Tell them you've all been to Canada before. Tell them you have no food of any kind, and you are students visiting friends. Do NOT, under any circumstances, let them know you will say "b0nk!" if you get lost.

    12) do not approach chatboarders, they are known to be antisocial and sometimes bite. if bitten by a chatboarder go to the closest hospital and pray for antivenom.

    13) Ask them, "Would you like to Boff?" Insist.

    14) Goddamnit, your money's no good here.

    15) Don't get your directions from a computer off the internet. Get them from a goddamn fucking human beings!!

    16) Remember that the human being is there to be yelled at. Like members of the service industry, they are there to be at the receiving end of all your problems. Be sure to remind them that you are overtaxed.

    17) Talk incessantly about the greatness of Skeletor.

    18) Two words: "anal sex" - or alternatively, "all anal ysis"

    19) Nothing brings a group together like kazoo music.

    20) My god! Make the kazoos STOP!!!

    21) Enjoy the profoundly philosophical feeling that can only come from dodging marshmallows, and immersing your soul in the soothing ambiance of old arcade music rendered on a kazoo.

    22) A few rules, don't spill beer on them or other drinks (even though it does wet her shirt.) Don't be loud and in your face, it can scare people. Oh and no wacking people with foam bats! (Unless he/she hits you first.) Hmmm... sorry the list is all don'ts. :-) Over all be your self.

    23) Wear clean underwear. You never know who might see it.

    24) Don't fart near open heat sources.

    25) Be prepared to just smile and nod.

    26) Do not attempt to add a pr0n category to Trivial Pursuit.

    27) Do not feed the koi.

Composed way back during the Pacific Northwest TabNet / Everything Pit-of-Doom-Sacrifice and Retinal Scarring (tm) - the context provided at that massive invitation and its present and future review writeups at Something Happened: The Pacific NorthWest E2 Gathering and my weekend with Jeeves may shed some light on the many cryptic and senseless utterances contained above.

Unfortunately, though my passing around the pad of paper allowed me to fulfil the mandate I'd come up with over Christmas '99, I didn't structure it well enough to, erhm, actually keep track of exactly how many individuals contributed to this write-up, or even the simpler matter of who. Thus, though this assuredly marks some sort of record for Everything, it's not the kind of record that can be -broken- since we don't know how many people wrote single entries and how many wrote double- or triple-ones. Suffice it to say that somwhere between a dozen and 25 people composed all of the above, including but not limited to Everythingites Pseudo_Intellectual, Sparky, Jeeves, Yam, Icicle, Soema, Otnooishphoo, Tristin, and a whole whack of non-Everythinging fireworks co-attendees. Perhaps we can keep better track of who's behind the writing device at the nothin' but coal for you, geek e2 westside holiday gathering and lan party coming up this winter! Be there or be, um, ostracized!

The next installation of TW-UCtbytMP was mounted and displayed at the above-mentioned location - successfully as we effectively tabulated the contributors and unsuccessfully as it was only a piddling handful. Results are still coming in regarding the outcome of the typewriter-driven assault on the record undertook at the Horny E2 Portland Conflagration, visible at ideath's homenode (for the time being) as The Homenode Contributed to by the Most People. EIGHTEEN FRICKING CONTRIBUTORS and counting!

"It begins, you see, with a bang...not a whimper," she said, plaintively, "and contrary to popular opinion, 'bang' was a sound, not a verb."
edwin gently turned the doorknob, unprepared for the fearsome sight he would soon enounter...
Eat poop you cat resulted ing a great deal of innuendo and hearsay, but in the end, only I will rule the people of Gotham.
(all of this said of course, by a bear with very little brains, but a joyous heart and a cheerful spirit, says I, at least -- and I am the Count, and I LOVE to count bears with very little brains)
Can you count the brains? b1b 1 brain, 2 brains, 3 brains
everyone loves brains afterall, yummy brains, can i eat your brains?
Brains are for zombies. Large amounts of tequila and near lifesize posters of deer will result in lots of interesting stories, as will the 24 hour Church of Elvis.
    That       moment   most  
             surely                all
  was                 lost.             IChinchila
somehow you perhaps expected an event consisting of so many individuals' participation to produce a single, coherent narrative? Everything fosters soft-links; these disparate phrases are the holiest triangulation of our experience [The rabbi happily accepted an inflatable sex doll from satan.] in its mutual totality.. (fux0ring typewriter doe sn't have hard brackets. Grrr...) still, I for one must admit some vestigial interest re maining as to what exactly it was edwin was soon to encounter.
Y our arm fell off yoUr arM FELL OFF!! you... then how come I'm still yping, huh? maybe you only type with one hand orhave 10 fingers on the arm thatdidn't fall off get over it. figure out what you want and do it, or keep your mouth shut. there's no sales tax in Oregon.
As the beer arrived th e people were amused by a photo of mojoe kissing another man. all this is in jest of course for the revelers it is the nature of the game. It is the manner of things, the natureof the beast. Monsters we are lest monsters we become. Body shots lead to body bags, in this Joycian gathering. It is the Tao.. And now as the fermented barley claims the spirit we are left with the cameraderie of the evening. The common bond which binds us together and creates a community it is this spirit, this , our communal land flowing with milk and honey with which we nourish the spirit and return renewed to the fertile ground that spawned us.. The music plays on, the torrents of our lives ebb and flow. Although it is not spoken, we are thankful.. We have found in each other that which was not present in ourselves.. And not god, nor political figure, nor spiritual guide could bring us to this place. It is all contained in the glory of man and of woman. And of the things we share. Thank Man for that which brings us together.. Thank the wonder of nature for giving us this infinite capacity for common joy..
The best thing about coming to these things is not "getting to meet: the people behind the user names, but seeing those people interact.
They akwats warbed ne abiy noding drunk but i figure what thehell, how bad co uld i be. Halftoplehere are fairly drunk to onedegre or a nother, the other half anre sober and still having fun. I love the reactin i get when i tell people im b meeting people i know from over the net, they don't know the half of what to expect.
this yas been a damned inteestung night. (to the person editing this - i'm sorry, this will be incoherent. i'm drunk.) i came to portland, foundnodrs, got change to pay for the parking meter.. we went places and things happened. i'm sure enugh has been said at this point. the interesting part was this: we got singularly lost in downtown pdx. we drove for, quite literaly, ours. evetually, we got tomideath's where we drank. a few of us edbed up smoking on the proch for way too long to be ever considered social crTUEES IN ANYONE"S EYES. but we HAF FUN ON THE PORCH TALKING SHIT AND I PERSONLYY HOPE THAT EVERYONE else inside had fun inside watching the russiann movie i was unable to comprehend. all thekids here fucking rule, kisses - poro,e/
bring back my eggs, but before that we drove forever to get here and met them at the pioneer square. So far we've been lost in San Francisco and Powell's. We preferred the latter and then we had Mac and Tea. Altogether an enjoyable trip. Thanks for all the fish!
Alas! This has been the best night of sleep I've had in WAY TOO LONG! (how could that possibly have happened??? Oh...that's right..I am one of those "tag al ong seuto noders."...(shhh...don't tell)(some thing about propane and axes and bodies all over the floors of this abode.. good grief.)
this is much MUCH better than spending spring break in Iowa. (this is Girlface, by the way) I had this fear that I would get here, and the Portlandites would sacrifice me to a dark goat demon which totally wasn't in the plans. I arrived in the pacific northwest on sunday, sandwiched between a Japanese older gentleman, and one of my closest friends who smelled so bar. The fresh air in portland has done me much good. At any rate, it's beautiful up here, Love the trees, love the fresh air, love the people. Momma, ship me my stuff, I'm staying.
Momma, come on home, i've got the stuff. I've got the kids, see, they're all over the floor, the deer had to find a new home but we were gentle about it of course. Left them in a phone booth on Burnside with an imaginary note reading "take us home; we'll love you and eat your garden" : see, they're sweet, but not so sweet as noders when they sleep (from early morning hours to late, on spring break, in another state)...
[spoken fragment: we come not to bury ideath but to praise her ] Noders, bury me now. I don't mind. Too much. Ah, no, wait,. Brunch time!
death is coming for the boys...and if not death, well then dawn scraping its rays over the backs of those five left post-mission: bambi and the bright red frisbee sweeping dangerous arcs above our heads.. noders darkling in the park. so sing another song, boys, and the gypsy lady will grasp another nail, we'll be out on the porch with the limes..
Embracing your fears can be like hugging a cactus; it's prickly and pointy the first time, but after that it just feels goooood... Don't believe that "path less taken" nonsense. Make your own damn path - it'll be more satisfying, I promise.
Well, it's two days later, but by the grace of ideath I've been granted the oppurtunity to contribute. At the time, I completely forgot, what with the sleeping and chatting with the cool kids and the cat eating poop [hold up. I said carne asada.] and walking to see deer stickers and...stuff. The problem is, once out of the moment, this short ramble will seem somewhat out of place. Plus, I'll be able to type, rather than sort of stab at the odd mechanical interface of a real live (nude?) typewriter. I suppose I'll just run with it. Actually, I did contribute to the original writeup by transcribing gousgous' contribution while holding the phone with my shoulder. So I think I'll stop...now.
eat poop you cat says: Evil cars roam the freeways - I've seen them!
driving around the city at night is always so pretty .. everything passes by smooth and quiet from the inside of the car.. so i was going from place to place in portland between all my different people here, at a show for a little while among every one looking so pretty and staring forward eyes fixed on stage and then turning around to filter out as things came to an end and were started to take apart.. paul and i talked about the same things we always seem to talk about whenever we are together, but it is not boring so much as comfortable and reassuring to work over the same familiar subject from endless different points.. later under the burnside bridge with all its grit and dark corners history skating until my hands were numb and it was a cold alone all by myself time even though there were others around.. and now i findmyself here, i like this place and this city, these people and the places they take me. it is good among here
Far, far from home...a stranger in a strange land; just what I always wante     d and then not so much anymore. Someone else as usual said it best; nobody nowhere understands anything about me and all my dreams.. Travelling with others so many others is a good way to see the self that you are. Noders left me alone, except prole who never heard a word I said the whole meal. Never alone, and then and only then so you really value silence. Ineptitude is definitely the order of the day. Go forth and buy. Warn yourself about the things that are going to stay with you after all is said and said.
And after awhile, I'll nevr be the me  again. Everybody love Portland and I can see why. Maybe someday soon. 24/7& 0 net gain that's what happens when you travel with the one you love. and others.. Disintegration is rapid and total.. I don't believe in it, evn after all that. Enough with the particles , There's no sales tax in Oregon . The man we amused by the photo of moJoe kissing another man.. It is the manner of things, the nature of the best. FELL OFF!! or keep your mouth shut. Trust not casca, have an eye to Cinna, so on so forth. Nitwitte Romans.. Shake speare will someday be banned, I am half-certain. And yet the scene goes on tod dated grapes.//
The devil sat back and grinned while alcohol and explosives spread through the world...

Retyped but hardly edited by ideath, with additions from eat poop you cat
and help from equinoctial, the sweetheart. Sense may not have been made, but
nowhere was that stated as a requirement. I believe that makes 19 people.

Everything is a grand collaboration. Every so often, this collaboration fractalizes itself and a subcollaboration is born. Specifically, consider this hierarchy: the universe, the human race, the internet, e2, and the write-ups listed below. Consciousness is rooted in self-reference.

They shared a love of impermanence, briefly (idea)
by izubachi, Sat Aug 06 2005 at 0:23:10
Nature of contribution: Lines of a poem.
People contributing: etouffee (title), heridraconigena, izubachi. Presumably closed. Total: 3.
Number of characters: 993.

Last seen (fiction)
by jessicaj, Fri Nov 07 2008 at 1:17:51
Nature of contribution: One or more /msgs to jessicaj.
People contributing: Names withheld. Presumably closed. Total: 4.
Number of characters: 4120.

Toaster (thing)
by everyone, Thu Apr 29 2004 at 22:24:31
Nature of contribution: "Guest written" sections.
People contributing: arieh, borgo, Chiisuta, Demeter, drownzsurf, Footprints, grundoon, iceowl, JohnnyGoodyear, riverrun, TheDeadGuy. Presumably closed. Total: 11.
Number of characters: 42678.

Briefcase Full of Souls - Part I and Part II
by members of e2collaborators, several write-ups
Nature of contribution: See e2collaborators. Perhaps someone in that group can explain further!
People contributing: artman2003, BaronWR, DejaMorgana, Devon, Dimview, grundoon, jessicaj, Junkill, LostPsion, lucychili, Senso, Uberbanana. Open. Total: 12.
Number of characters: 119978 in 10 nodes, for an average of 11998 characters per node.

She sang of fantastic green islands, and sparkling fish, never telling that she haunted the waters (idea)
by stand/alone/bitch, Mon Jan 29 2001 at 21:38:26
Nature of contribution: A sequence of /msgs with stand/alone/bitch.
People contributing: alienhuman, birdonmyshoulder*, discofever, donfreenut, GangstaFeelsGood, kamamer, knifegirl, lawnjart, mat catastrophe, Roninspoon, stand/alone/bitch, tandex. Presumably closed. Total: 12.
Number of characters: 11403.

The write-up contributed to by the most people (idea)
by Pseudo_Intellectual, Fri Oct 27 2000 at 15:18:15
Nature of contribution: Important rules to remember when meeting new people.
People contributing: Including but not limited to Everythingites Pseudo_Intellectual, Sparky, Jeeves, Yam, Icicle, Soema, Otnooishphoo, Tristin, and a whole whack of non-Everythinging fireworks co-attendees. Presumably closed. Total: somewhere between a dozen and 25 people. (paraphrased from the write-up)
Number of characters: 5053.

The write-up contributed to by the most people (thing)
by ideath, Sun Apr 15 2001 at 1:21:37
Nature of contribution: A paragraph.
People contributing: Brain, Dialogue, equinoctial, flamingweasel, Girlface, ideath, JasonM, Jeeves, _Kasefrau, LordOmar, nikkaAlas, Ninja-Lad, prole, pseudo_intellectual, pukesick, qousqous, Sarahh, srkorn. Presumably closed. Total: 20.
Number of characters: 9899.

Noder Fragments (thing)
by raincomplex, Mon Dec 29 2008 at 3:29:37
Nature of contribution: A small box containing text.
People contributing: Aerobe, Ancientsnow, Andromache01, Ariloulaleelay, bbot, Bitriot, BookReader, Chras4, Dimview, etouffee, GhettoAardvark, Jet-Poop, locke baron, lucychili, raincomplex, Rapscallion, Serial Number, shaogo, Simulacron3, Spifficus Rex, tentative, The Custodian, The Debutante, WaldemarExkul, XWiz. Open for contribution. Total: 25.
Number of characters: 6912.

Editor Log: October 2010 (event)
by Aerobe, Mon Oct 04 2010 at 15:22:12
Nature of contribution: A blurb for the main page.
People contributing: Aerobe, BIII, bluerabie, cassparadox, DonJaime, Dr.Jimmy, GhettoAardvark, gnarl, Halspal, Intentions, jessicaj, Jet-Poop, lizardinlaw, MarmaladeSkies, maxClimb, mkb, Morwen, mullakamakalaka, OldMiner, Oolong, raincomplex, sam512, TenMinJoe, waverider37, wertperch. Total: 25.
Number of characters: 4621.

Omegranite pomegranite pomegranite pomegranite pomegranite pomegranite pie (idea)
by donfreenut, Wed Jun 13 2001 at 19:30:34
Nature of contribution: A line for a poem.
People contributing: ccunning, Chihuahua Grub, dem bones, donfreenut, Evil Catullus, Gritchka, heyoka, jaubertmoniker, jbird, junkpile, mblase, Pseudo_Intellectual, RimRod, Roninspoon, ryano, stand/alone/bitch, Suckapant, Templeton, The Custodian, ThePope, WickerNipple, wonko, WonkoDSane, Xamot, yossarian, zot-fot-piq. Deleted. Total: 26.
Number of characters: 3212.

Why I love Everything2 (personal)
by jessicaj, Thu May 22 2008 at 11:09:25
Nature of contribution: One or more /msgs to jessicaj.
People contributing: Names withheld to protect the guilty. Presumably open for involuntary contribution. Total: 27.
Number of characters: 6535.

Swear words from science fiction (idea)
by Segnbora-t, Sat Apr 15 2000 at 19:56:58
Nature of contribution: A /msg about swear words from science fiction.
People contributing: AndyAnime, Arin, Ashley Pomeroy, ataraxia, auraseer, CamTarn, ^Davion^, Devon_Hart, Duane Dibbley, EGerbil, g026r, gypsyprincessky, Halcyonide, hramyaegr, jerwin, khym chanur, Kizor, Lady_Day, Lathan, locke baron, Major General Panic, Master Villain, Maylith, mkb, Oneiromancer, Oni no Ng, p03, Pseudo_Intellectual, Quizro, randombit, Rikmeister, Rose Thorn, sahib!, sam512, sketerpot, Stavr0, Stride, The Custodian, Timeshredder, TOGoS, TrojanJedi, Uberbanana, uucp, vebelfetzer, wagawoo, WolfKeeper, yam, yitz. Open for contribution. Total: 48.
Number of characters: 16082.

The Everything Poem (idea)
by mauler, Thu Feb 27 2003 at 13:16:05
Nature of contribution: A line for a poem.
People contributing: allseeingeye, Berek, Byzantine, caknuck, C-Dawg, Chiisuta, Chras4, dannye, ^Davion^, dem bones, ElevenFiftyNine, eponymous, etouffee, Footprints, g026r, Gamaliel, golFUR, Heitah, humbabba, inlet, Jack, jaubertmoniker, jrn, just1wheat, kthejoker, LeoDV, lizardinlaw, Lometa, malcster, MALTP, mauler, mw, Nedlum, nocodeforparanoia, nomentatus, oakling, O Boy, Posmella, Protector of Mankind, RoyHoo33, scunner, sekicho, Simulacron3, siren, The Lush, thisfred, Wiccanpiper, wordnerd, wrinkly. Open for contribution. Total: 49.
Number of characters: 5196.

Six Word Story: Cake And Pie! (event)
by GhettoAardvark, Mon Mar 02 2009 at 19:11:25
Nature of contribution: Up to six six-word stories.
People contributing: Albert Herring, alyssa-cruz, anabana, Apollyon, appeler, ArchStanton, artman2003, banjax, bol, cameraworx, C-Dawg, charlie_b, Chras4, clone19, colonelmustard, creases, Croakery, cruxfau, DavidLee!, deeahblita, Demeter, Devon, dichotomyboi, DiscoStan, DonJaime, doyle, drownzsurf, DTal, Eniteris, etouffee, GhettoAardvark, gnarl, golFUR, graceness, grundoon, Hazelnut, ignis_glaciesque, Infinite Burn, jessicaj, joer, just1wheat, kailden, Kensey, Kizor, lee_cad, liveforever, lizardinlaw, lucychili, Matthew, Mnky, Mouesh, mountain boy, Nadine_2, Nora, Oneiromancer, Orange Julius, prole, raincomplex, Rai Tai, Rapscallion, rep_movsd, ringrock, sam512, sangsoo, Scout Finch, Scribe, Senso, Serjeant's Muse, Singing Raven, soren015, Spifficus Rex, tentative, The Custodian, TheDayIsMine, TheLordofPie, tkeiser, tommythecat, Uberbanana, viki_boi, WaldemarExkul, waverider37, wertperch, Ysardo, zoidfarb. Closed April 4, 2009. Total: 84.
Number of characters: 17877.

Thanks to:
jessicaj for pointing me to her nodes Why I love Everything2 (personal) and Last seen (fiction), and reminding me about She sang of fantastic green islands, and sparkling fish, never telling that she haunted the waters and They shared a love of impermanence, briefly and being so enthusiastic!
moosemanmoo for pointing me to Omegranite pomegranite pomegranite pomegranite pomegranite pomegranite pie, which reminded me of how-could-I-forget The Everything Poem.
The Custodian for pointing me to Swear words from science fiction.
The Debutante for pointing me to Toaster (thing).

The write-up contributed to by the most people (review)
by raincomplex, Sun Apr 05 2009 at 21:11:27
Nature of contribution: A /msg giving nodes with multiple collaborators, or describing additions, suggestions, or corrections to this node.
People contributing: jessicaj, moosemanmoo, raincomplex, The Custodian, The Debutante. Open for contribution. Total: 5.

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