February 24, 2003

What I do remember was thinking about how the acorns were a metaphor for the relationship. "Random love," I called it to myself, as though some vaguely uncaring god was controlling our fortunes, and things would either work out or they wouldn't.

What happened is as I walked up the hill from her house, I would imagine that each acorn on the oak hill was a relationship. At the top of the hill was true love. As the acorns rolled up, things got better. As I walked with my bike I would kick them at random, and see how far they made it. The acorns would roll forwards and backwards; some fell off the path entirely.

I don't think a single acorn ever made it all the way up.

I started feeling bitter about the acorns that got desperately close, and even more bitter about the acorns that started just a few feet from the top of the hill. I sometimes turned around and maliciously sent them flying back into oblivion, having gotten so near to the true meaning that I had to stop them before they bested me.

Sure, it was crazy. We're all crazy, a little bit. I've had tendencies to do things like that since I was a kid.

Pretty soon I started seeing all sorts of things as metaphors for love. The pressure in my tires. Glowsticks thrown into the air on the college green that would soar eighty feet high and come crashing down. The lucky ones got caught in trees.

I told people.

"Love is random. If you pick any two people, there's a finite level of compatibility between them. You can just get really close, once in a while."

They thought I was crazy. A lot of people believed in true love, and believed that the one person out there that you could really be in tune with was actually pretty likely to live on your street. "Love is like that. You just get lucky sometimes."

I wouldn't have any of it, but sometimes I couldn't help but believe. There was something shining in these people's eyes, like this was what kept them going on the tough days: a perfect love somewhere out there to make everything worth it. Somebody they could get along with that would be free of the little arguments and fights that wormed their way into their home lives and their social lives and their most intimate relationships. I laughed at them then. I'm not so sure now.

I was standing there on the bluff, overlooking my town, watching the sunset. I felt the wind play at my long coat, smelled the factories on the edge of town, watched the smoke from my cigarette swirl around my head. This used to be our favorite place, in months past. We'd come up here, smoke, drink like underage college students, which we were. I lost my virginity here, on a blanket overlooking everything I'd ever known. She'd shown me so much of my body, of her body, how they fit together. Things I'd never even imagined being able to do. Feelings that I hadn't known, not even in the most erotic dreams.

I took a pull of my cigarette, which had almost gone out due to the neglect caused by a wandering mind. I just let things swirl in my head for a few minutes. Letting the maelstrom take over for a few fleeting moments, I let my eyes flick from landmark to landmark, remembering stories and thoughts behind each. Johnson's Plaza, where I first got stoned when I was sixteen. Hillerman High, where I first discovered drama and writing. Three Square Pizzeria and Fountain, my first date.

Faded memories remembered in a fading sun. The wind was getting quite cold; it was February after all, but nothing fixes a broken heart like a chill night and a pack of smokes. The time warping that occurs when dissonance is created where there was once harmony was hitting me hard. It felt like we had been broken up for a week, when it had only been...I looked at my watch....four hours. On her porch, after our two year anniversary date. In an odd moment of detachment, it occured to me that was a strange time to tell your beau to fuck off.

But the embers on my cigarette were dying, just like the day I found myself in. I retreated back down the path from which I had ascended, leaving only a cigarette butt, footprints, and a semi-frozen tear as evidence I had been there...

Setting the way back machine for February 24, 1993:

Well, the Romulan Ale seems to have mellowed quite well, or maybe I've just gotten used to it. It's not bad for being a chemical relative of nail-polish remover and turpentine. Wine seems to be the only alcohol I really like, oh, but I guess champagne is good, too).

I mentioned getting caught up in words in my last entry. This idea brings two thoughts to mind. The first being that this journal is a crutch, an excuse for me to continue in my phlosophizing and passive belief system, instead of going out and living what I "believe." I hide behind my journal, using words I never orignially spoke to anyone to answer current questions. It's wimping out, it's flaking out, avoiding thinking and searching myself at that moment, avoiding being put on the spot, answering with what was instead of what is. It simply doesn't work.

The second is that I hide behind words thinking they have meaning unto themselves, my own personal dictionary. I use words and definitions as excuses. I remember writing in my then "new journal" about Margaret and making-out with her, and trying to decide what to do, but also trying to define some ... measure of beauty and attractiveness through which I could explain things and classify them. I still have a detailed account of how I defined away my relationship with Jenny, using the semantics of "Love" vs. "In Love", mostly because I want to go out with Sarah. I bet I could find lots of places in my journals where this has happened.

What a difference ten years can make. I guess. Or maybe not. I'm beginning to understand why people burn their journals.

I work in an office a few hundred yards from Heathrow, directly underneath Concorde's take-off path. It goes overhead at 11:00, give or take three minutes either way, and makes a sharp turn off to the right, or 'wilthway' in aviation slang. Crows fly up into the air as it goes over, and it strikes me that one of the selling points of the aircraft, back when they were raising funds to build it, was that crows would no longer call the sky their playground; from hitherto henceforth onwards, we would be the masters - through our metal avatar, the Concorde - and the crows will fly in fear, as would the seagulls. Just like the flamingos in Florida, fleeing from the sound of NASA rockets. Once upon a time it was widely accepted that life was a struggle and that we had won, humanity had won. To be born a human and not a goat was to come first in the lottery of life. We dominate them. Yet we are still miserable in our daily lives. We should rejoice.

I believe that it is our destiny to be at war with nature; our goal is to destroy all other forms of life on this planet. This is the truth. Like many truths we do not want to believe it; we try to hide it, we feel misplaced shame at our absolute power. This is wrong. It causes psychosis and feelings of inferiority, which lead to an exaggerated pose of aggression in order to compensate for it. Wars since time immemorial stem from this psychosis; we do not realise that victory is within our grasp, we do not need to fight each other. God has given us another enemy, and He has given us the power and the tools to make the final victory a reality during the lifetime of the current generation.

Every time an animal dies the human race is advanced; the more trees fall, the more coastlines are wasted by oil, the more it pleases me, and the more it pleases God. He did not make the birds and the bees in his image. They were created by the devil to vex mankind, to spread disease. When I go home tonight I will purposefully step on some grass with my combat boots and I will have some chilli which is made of cow = dead cow = dead cows = the path to victory.

For victory is inevitable. The human race will spread and spread; all attempts to curb its growth will be met with scorn and fear, will be reviled and dismissed as inhumane. Already, population control in China is breaking apart under international pressure and the human desire to cover the planet like oil covering a blade, keeping it from rusting, keeping it sharp. Earth will one day be a concrete sphere with layers of human life stretching from ten miles underground to the edge of the troposphere. To an alien viewing the Earth from outside - and there will be no aliens viewing the Earth from outside because we will need to kill them, too - it will be a featureless grey sphere, all light blocked in order to conserve resources. All food will be derived from human waste or from the mentally ill, of which there will be many, as the pressures of this life will erase the weak. The human race will breed and breed amongst itself until all belong to one family, and the remaining human being will be a multi-cellular organism permeating a concrete brain, a hive-mind network of interconnecting passages and chambers of pure thought and expression, all concrete and restful now, no-one calls the ducks, no-one to harvest the swans gone and gone, ultrasonic.

"Mankind will be a loop, all utterly now/
Earth is a cannonball. We are the cannon."

The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!

And they're off!

(We're just sooooo excited!)

The Contestants in the Everything Noder Pageant™ 2003 have started posting their writeups and its time for you to start C!hinging, upvoting, ed cooling and picking your favourite.

Today is the deadline for the Regional Finals where the contestants each node a country for them to represent during the Pageant Proper. Have a little read, I'm sure you'll agree that the countries are truly honoured to be represented by these gorgeous contestants.

Spain - tu mama chupa verga y come culo in la strada -- well he did say learn a bit of the lingo before you go :P

Democratic Republic of Congo - or is that Zaire? No?

Suriname - a near first-person account of the harshness of 3rd world life!

Uruguay

Federated States of Micronesia - check this out to read about the Chuukese Lovestick, hehehe

Serbia - Finally, somebody clears up the mysteries of how they started the first world war and why NATO bombed them.

Ethiopia - not just those What's the second fastest mamal? jokes, huh?

Portugal - book your summer holiday NOW!

Norway - Fijords... what more can I say??

Canada - Miss Canada is gonna get Citizen of the Year for this. Seriously. Not that we're biased in any way. Hell no.

Turkmenistan - watch for mention of the lovestick in the tradition node

Kuwait

Australia - They may be the only team to play in Zimbabwe, but that's no reason to boycott this excellent writeup!

Thailand - all you ever wanted to know about Thailand, or where to find it, and even WHY you wanted to know

Iraq - this is garbage, don't bother

The rest will be hardlinked when they're posted. Hurry now, go read!

Meanwhile, we'll be spending the next few days scoring these writeups and we'll get Frankie to post on the Pageant node as soon as the scores are in. Just remember though, this round's scores won't count for the actual Pageant contest and the selection of the final five.

I think someone else is playing with her, as hard and loud as they want to, and she cannot protest.

I think someone else is sitting there, caressing her neck, moving their fingers gently up her neck and back down again.

I think that person looks at my only child, my lost child, and breathes heavily. Their untrained fingers push, pull, poke, pluck. Explore her. And she cannot protest.

I think, but I do not know. I was playing her softly in the car park, waiting for help to arrive. For the car to return, to retrieve me. And then the phonecall, and I became distant, carefully placing her down inside her case, gently closing the lid. She slept as I talked, uttering no sound, asleep.

The car returned, and my phonecall brought good news. Happy and distracted, I was hurried by my family to get in the vehicle. And still, she slept.

And now she sleeps in the arms of another. I returned at 1:30am in much haste, only to find her vanished. In her place lay a lonely stretch of grey concrete, on which her sweet climax had been uttered only hours before from my hands.

Today's Headlines

US News

Rhode Island Nightclub Fire Investigation Deepens
With the death count from the fire raised to 97, law enforcement officials continued their investigation into the cause of the disaster. Beyond scouring the site, which is being treated as a crime scene, investigators have questioned dozens of people, including patrons of the nightclub, firefighters on the scene, and members of the band Great White, whose pyrotechnics ignited the soundproofing foam on the stage, bringing about the fire. Of particular note is the discovery that pyrotechnic shows had been allowed in the club in the past.

Tourist Fights To Live After Being Run Over By Cop
A French tourist remained in critical condition today after being run over by a police vehicle while she and her sister were sunbathing on a beach; the sister died of her injuries. Sandrine Tunc and her sister Stephanie were sunbathing near the edge of a crowded Miami-area beach. The police SUV was driving along the edge, surveying the crowd, when the accident occurred.

Monkey Escapes From Biodefense Lab
A small gray and tan monkey escaped from a University of California at Davis laboratory two weeks ago. The monkey was "disease free" and used for breeding purposes, according to the Calfornia National Primate Research Center, but the accident has raised grave concerns among the opponents of a $150 million biocontainment facility on the site, which would be used to study the world's most dangerous diseases.

International News

Quake Kills 300, Injures 1000 in West China
An earthquake in the western Xinjiang region of China caused widespread destruction early this morning (at 2:03 AM GMT). The quake, measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale, occurred about 100 miles west of the city of Kashgar in the sparsely populated area of Jiashi. Witnesses and officials state that the worst damage is in the Bachu region, further east, in which there are approximately 370,000 residents. Many of the victims were schoolchildren, killed in the collapse of a school in Bachu near the epicenter.

Plane Crash Kills Afghan Minister
Afghanistan's Minister for Mines and Industries Juna Mohammad Mohammadi and Pakistani foreign ministry official Mohammad Farhad Ahmed were among eight on board a Cessna jet that crashed in southeast Pakistan. Pakistan's Civil Aviation Authority said that contact with the plane was lost 29 minutes after the plane left Karachi, Pakistan at 3:00 AM GMT. Officials suggest that pilot error in low visibility was the most likely cause for the crash.

Powell Arrives in South Korea
US Secretary of State Colin Powell arrived in Seoul, South Korea this morning on the final leg of his tour of Asia, in which he hoped to build Asian support for the US-led drive to disarm Iraq. Another goal of the mission is to bring about multilateral talks on the North Korean nuclear crisis. Powell is expected to attend the inauguration of new South Korean president Roh Moo-Hyun tomorrow, then meet with the new leader.

Business

Fukui Named Governor of Bank of Japan
Toshihiko Fukui, a former Bank of Japan official, will be appointed the governor of the bank on March 19, 2003. Fukui quit the BOJ amid a scandal five years ago, but his long history of sound economic policy as part of the BOJ oversight committee convinced Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi to name Fukui to the post. Fukui's task: to stop the rampant deflation in the Japanese economy that is hurting business.

EU, US Split On Growth Measures
While putting aside foreign policy differences, the United States and the European Union are having differences in fiscal policy as well. While Bush preaches a hefty tax cut plan as the solution to problems, European nations are instead promoting fiscal discipline. These talks were the result of the recent G7 meetings.

EMI Looking To Buy Warner Music
EMI, the last major independent music company, is looking to purchase the music production arm of Time Warner for between $3 and $4 billion. EMI is being applauded for this move, looking to buy in an industry struggling with declining sales, and the move alone may remove long-standing talk that other companies are looking to buy EMI.

Science & Technology

Citibank Wins Gag on Crypto Research
The High Court in London has imposed an injunction against researchers at Cambridge University who have uncovered serious problems in the system that banks use to keep ATM PINs secure. This order prevents any public disclosure of cryptographic vulnerabilities as a result of an upcoming trial involving 'phantom withdrawals,' in which a South African couple is suing Diners Club because of 50,000 pounds worth of withdrawals in Britain in March 2000, when the couple was at home in South Africa. Diners Club claims their systems are secure, so the couple must have made the withdrawals.

Microsoft Files Counterclaim Against Sun
Microsoft has filed a counterclaim in the ongoing private antitrust suit that Sun has filed against the Redmond, Washington corporation. Sun's original suit against Microsoft claimed that the company had violated an agreement between the two companies in which Microsoft would ship Sun's Java platform with Windows. Microsoft has shipped their own version of Java with Windows, which has some incompatibilities with Sun's version, which has resulted in the suit. Microsoft's countersuit states that due to the original suit's injunction against Microsoft, Sun has breached the contract by not allowing them to ship Java with Windows.

Intel Slows Down Path To 64 Bit Desktops
Top researchers at Intel say that a lack of applications, the existing situation in the memory market, and the challenge of getting consumers and the rest of the industry to migrate to new chips means Intel will hold off on delivering 64-bit chips to desktops for years. "It could be the end of the decade" before mainstream desktops need more than 4 GB of memory, said Justin Rattner, a senior researcher at Intel.

Health

AIDS "Vaccine" Gets Less Than Stellar Reviews
A hotly anticipated new AIDS vaccine failed to protect most people from the disease in its first major clinical trial, although it did show some promise, said a spokesman for VanGlen, Inc. The bright spot in the study was that the expected infection rate for the 314 black volunteers who received the vaccine was reduced by 78%, an unexpected result, and that the rate was reduced by 67% for all non-white, non-Hispanic volunteers.

Bush Proposes Major Changes To Medicare
President Bush has begun one of the most ambitious efforts ever to reinvent Medicare and Medicaid since they were introduced in 1965. Revisions to the plan include more state control over the Medicaid program which provides coverage for low-income families, and some privatization of Medicare, which provides medical coverage for the elderly. Along with the revisions to Social Security, this represents a major overhaul to Lyndon Johnson's Great Society programs of the 1960s.

Sports

Bryant Extends 40 Point Streak To Nine Games
Kobe Bryant scored 41 points on Sunday, leading the Los Angeles Lakers to victory over the Seattle SuperSonics 106-101. It was Kobe's ninth straight game in which he scored 40 or more points. The only player with a longer such streak is Wilt Chamberlain, who had a streak of 14 40+ point games in 1962. With the win, the Lakers continued to cement their playoff standings, holding firm on their grip on the eighth playoff spot in the Western Conference.

Kasparov Upset At Grandmaster's Tournament
The world's highest ranked chess player Garry Kasparov lost to tournament newcomer Teimous Radjabov in the 20th Linares Super Grandmaster's chess tournament early this morning. Meanwhile, World Cup champion Vishwanathan Anand drew with Vallejo Pons, while the second-ranked player in the world, Vladmir Kramnik defeated sitting World champion Ruslan Ponomariov.

Entertainment

Norah Jones Dominates Grammy Awards
Norah Jones won five Grammy awards last night at the annual music awards, including Newcomer of the Year, Song of the Year for Don't Know Why, and Album of the year for Come Away With Me. Bruce Springsteen and The Dixie Chicks each walked away with three awards. Also of note was the reunion of Simon and Garfunkel to open the show.

Art Directors Choose Catch Me If You Can, The Two Towers
At the seventh annual Art Directors Guild Awards, the major awards were won by Catch Me If You Can and The Two Towers, which won for, respectively, best design among contemporary films and best period-fantasy design. Catch Me If You Can's victory was a bit of a surprise, as it was not nominated for best art direction at the Oscars.

---

And Now, Some Typical Daylog Fare

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain,
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

I usually don't bother to watch industry award shows, finding them often so self-serving and self-complimentary that they make me ill. However, I found myself paying attention to the Grammys last night, for no other reason than the word was out that Simon and Garfunkel may be reuniting. Since I am a big fan of late 1960s music and folk music, this was eagerly anticipated and hoped for by me.

And as the show opened, I got my wish.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

The duo opened the show by performing their 1964 classic The Sound of Silence. It was the perfect song for this moment in time, I think.

Two old men sat on the stage, singing a song written in another time. But it still rings true, even after all these years.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

It was also eerily appropriate to this moment in time, as well. A time when there is so much unrest in the world, so many countries full of anger and threatening acts of war. Meanwhile, so many sit idly silent, seemingly afraid to lose what is already in hand.

"Fools" said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

It's somehow appropriate that this song opened the show in New York City, not too far from where the towers collapsed a year and a half ago. Since then, our government has tried to find people to blame, but yet no one has heard the voice of the people.

They aren't silent, but many seemingly cannot hear the voices.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets
are written on the subway walls And tenement halls."
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.

Can you hear it?

Lyrics to The Sound of Silence written by Paul Simon, 1964

I very recently moved to Canada. A fairly small town in Southwestern Ontario to be exact. After having already once moved three thousand miles for a guy I thought was the one and making ominous threats to myself should I ever have the audacity to do it again, I have. Why? Well, despite the madness of moving form sunny Southern California to butt ass cold Canada in February, I truly do believe in my heart of hearts that this is it. For real this time. How do i know, you ask? I didn't, really. I was pretty much goin on gut instinct until last night. As I lie in bed around one a.m. my boyfriend asked me if I was happy. I haven't been a happy person in a very, very long time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable. Far from it. I can be pretty much content and entertain myself anywhere I happen to be. But to have that feeling that I really want to get up in the morning and I'm motivated and I want to do nice things for people because.....I'm so happy....well, that's the kinda joy I'm talkin about.

And you know what? It's really fuckin' nice.

I've Done This Before

As I posted on my homenode, I'm leaving. It has very little to do with E2, actually, but everything to do with me.

I can't keep losing the way I am.

Back a few of months ago, I suddenly had a new place to live--had in fact moved out of my parents' house. I had a new job--and it wasn't retail! Oh, I was ecstatic. And best of all, I had a new boyfriend who I was ridiculously in love with.

But now is the winter of my... No. Here--I hate where I live because one roommate is bipolar, her sister (also a roommate) is obsessive-compulsive, and the third is a neurotic law student. I don't get along with them. I knew them all before I moved in, I was friends with them. But when I leave in the fall, I hope I never see them again. I don't want to go into detail here. Just trust me. And I'm no picnic to live with either.

My job? I sit at a computer and punch numbers. Sitting on my ass for eight hours a day. I know--lots of people would kill for that. But this is a job I could have done when I was 17. I'm 23 with a degree that will get me no where, and a job that is going no where. And the worst part is, I don't actually know what I do want to do with my life. I'm just drifting along, one day to the next, not sure what tomorrow will bring, but knowing it's the same as yesterday. (It makes sense in my head, anyway.)

As for my boyfriend--on Saturday he tells me to meet him at a Starbucks. A bad sign. He doesn't love me, he says. The relationship became serious, and he didn't love me. A person can't help how they feel, I know that. I just wish I hadn't been so stupid as to fall for him in the first place. But what amazes me is that we'd had such a good relationship. We liked the same things. We never fought. I thought we had fun together. I guess I was wrong. Not that I should be surprised. I tend to be wrong a lot.

I wish that I could leave Philadelphia. Go to some other city, any other city--this place is tainted with him. Every street reminds me of him. I can't go to the store without thinking about him. I can't drive to work without seeing something that reminds me of him. I know--all wounds are still open, all pain is still fresh. Time, etc. I can't stand this city, but I can't leave, either. I'm broke.

So off I go. I need to withdraw for a while. I need to go.

I went to Chick-Fil-A at lunchtime today. There were at least 20 cars backed up in the drive-thru line. After today, I honestly think that restaurant drive-thrus should be illegal during high-traffic hours. These people lounge around on their lazy asses for 15 minutes, with their motor idling, waiting to get a chicken sandwich. I always park and walk inside, and have my sandwich and am back in my car inside of 2 minutes. During this, the line has moved maybe 2 cars at most, the rest of the cars idling, burning precious gasoline just because these people don't feel like parking and walking 30 feet. Sheesh. What was that I read about an obesity epidemic in the United States?

I went for my small bowel follow-through this morning. I drank the two cups of barium and let the techs do their thing, only to find out I had to drink a third cup of the white horror. So after all was said and done the doctor on call looked at my inner workings and proclaimed that I either had a lot of

a) strictures
b) inflamation
c) empty parts of intestine

Well, we can eliminate b because my SED rate (a number that determines how active my illness is) is normal (meaning there's no inflamation going on right now) and c because if those places were just casually empty, why have I been hurting so much so often for the past two months?

I'll see my doctor later in the week to get the official results. Hopefully he'll have some good news for me.

In related news, over the weekend the Compazine nausea pills caused a nasty side effect. My left hand crampted, twisted, and contorted into a claw for most of the evening. I called my doctor today and he told me to quit taking it and he prescribed something else for me. I can pick it up tomorrow.

The full list of winners from the 45th annual Grammy awards are as follows:

Album of the Year: "Come Away With Me," Norah Jones.

New Artist: Norah Jones.

Record of the Year: "Don't Know Why," Norah Jones.

Song of the Year: "Don't Know Why," Jesse Harris (Norah Jones).

Hard Rock Performance: "All My Life," Foo Fighters.

Spoken Comedy Album: "Robin Williams -- Live 2002," Robin Williams.

Country Album: "Home," Dixie Chicks.

Rap Album: "The Eminem Show," Eminem.

Male Pop Vocal Performance: "Your Body Is a Wonderland," John Mayer.

Pop Vocal Album: "Come Away With Me," Norah Jones.

Pop Vocal Performance by a Duo or Group: "Hey Baby," No Doubt.

Compilation Soundtrack Album for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: "Standing in the Shadows of Motown," Various Artists.

Score Soundtrack Album for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," Howard Shore, composer.

Song Written for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: "If I Didn't Have You," Randy Newman, songwriter, track from "Monsters, Inc."

Classical Album: "Vaughan Williams: A Sea Symphony (Sym. No. 1)," Robert Spano, conductor, Norman Mackenzie, chorus director.

Orchestral Performance: "Mahler: Symphony No. 6," Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor (San Francisco Sym.).

Opera Recording: "Wagner: Tannhauser," Daniel Barenboim, conductor; Jane Eaglen, Thomas Hampson, Waltraud Meier, Rene Pape and Peter Seiffert; Christoph Classen, producer (Chor der Deutschen Staatsoper Berlin; Staatskapelle Berlin).

Choral Performance: "Vaughan Williams: A Sea Symphony (Sym. No. 1)," Robert Spano, conductor; Norman Mackenzie, chorus director (Christine Goerke, soprano; Brett Polegato, baritone; Atlanta Sym. Orch. Cho.; Atlanta Sym. Orch.).

Instrumental Soloist(s) Performance (with Orchestra): "Brahms/Stravinsky: Violin Concertos," Neville Marriner, conductor; Hilary Hahn, violin (Academy of St. Martin in the Fields).

Instrumental Soloist Performance (without Orchestra): "Chopin: Etudes, Op. 10 & Op. 25," Murray Perahia, piano.

Chamber Music Performance: "Beethoven: String Quartets ("Razumovsky" Op. 59, 1-3; "Harp" Op. 74)," Takacs Quartet.

Small Ensemble Performance (with or without Conductor): "Tavener: Lamentations and Praises Joseph Jennings, conductor; Chanticleer (Handel & Haydn Society of Boston).

Classical Vocal Performance: "Bel Canto (Bellini, Donizetti, Rossini, etc.)," Renee Fleming, soprano.

Classical Contemporary Composition: "Tavener: Lamentations and Praises," John Tavener (Chanticleer; Joseph Jennings; Handel & Haydn Society of Boston).

Classical Crossover Album: "Previn Conducts Korngold (Sea Hawk; Captain Blood, etc.)," Andre Previn, conductor (London Sym. Orch.).

Engineered Album, Classical: "Vaughan Williams: A Sea Symphony (Sym. No. 1)," Michael Bishop, engineer (Robert Spano & Norman Mackenzie).

Producer Of The Year, Classical: Robert Woods.

Traditional Folk Album: "Legacy," Doc Watson and David Holt.

Contemporary Folk Album: "This Side," Nickel Creek.

Native American Music Album: "Beneath the Raven Moon," Mary Youngblood.

Reggae Album: "Jamaican E.T.," Lee "Scratch" Perry.

World Music Album: "Mundo," Ruben Blades.

Musical Album for Children: "Monsters, Inc. -- Scream Factory Favorites," Riders in the Sky.

Spoken Word Album for Children: "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly," Tom Chapin.

Spoken Word Album: "A Song Flung up to Heaven (Maya Angelou)," Maya Angelou.

Musical Show Album: "Hairspray."

Instrumental Composition: "Six Feet Under Title Theme," Thomas Newman, composer (Thomas Newman), from "Six Feet Under."

Instrumental Arrangement: "Six Feet Under Title Theme," Thomas Newman, arranger (Thomas Newman), from "Six Feet Under".

Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s): "Mean Old Man," Dave Grusin, arranger (James Taylor), from "October Road".

Recording Package: "Home," Kevin Reagan, art director (Dixie Chicks).

Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: "Screamin' and Hollerin' The Blues: The Worlds of Charley Patton," Susan Archie, art director (Charley Patton).

Album Notes: David Evans, album notes writer (Charley Patton).

Historical Album: "Screamin' and Hollerin' The Blues: The Worlds of Charley Patton," Charley Patton.

Engineered Album, Non-Classical: "Come Away With Me," Husky Huskolds, Arif Mardin and Jay Newland, engineers (Norah Jones).

Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Arif Mardin.

Remixed Recording, Non-Classical: "Hella Good (Roger Sanchez Remix Main)," Roger Sanchez, remixer (No Doubt).

Short Form Music Video: "Without Me," Eminem.

Long Form Music Video: "Westway to the World," The Clash.

Rock Gospel Album: "Come Together," Third Day.

Pop-Contemporary Gospel Album: "The Eleventh Hour," Jars of Clay.

Southern, Country or Bluegrass Gospel Album: "We Called Him Mr. Gospel Music: The James Blackwood Tribute Album," The Jordanaires, Larry Ford and The Light Crust Doughboys.

Traditional Soul Gospel Album: "Higher Ground," The Blind Boys of Alabama.

Contemporary Soul Gospel Album: "Sidebars," Eartha.

Gospel Choir or Chorus Album: "Be Glad," The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.

Traditional Blues Album: "A Christmas Celebration of Hope," B.B. King.

Contemporary Blues Album: "Don't Give up on Me," Solomon Burke.

Latin Pop Album: "Caraluna," Bacilos.

Latin Rock-Alternative Album: "Revolucion de Amor," Mana.

Traditional Tropical Latin Album: "El Arte del Sabor," Bebo Valdes Trio with Israel Lopez "Cachao" and Carlos "Patato" Valdes.

Salsa Album: "La Negra Tiene Tumbao," Celia Cruz.

Merengue Album: "Latino," Grupo Mania.

Mexican-American Album: "Lo Dijo el Corazon," Joan Sebastian.

Tejano Album: "Acuerdate," Emilio Navaira.

Polka Album: "Top of the World," Jimmy Sturr.

New Age Album: "Acoustic Garden," Eric Tingstad and Nancy Rumbel.

Contemporary Jazz Album: "Speaking of Now," Pat Metheny Group.

Jazz Vocal Album: "Live in Paris," Diana Krall.

Jazz Instrumental Solo: "My Ship," Herbie Hancock.

Jazz Instrumental Album, Individual or Group: "Directions in Music," Herbie Hancock, Michael Brecker and Roy Hargrove.

Large Jazz Ensemble Album: "What Goes Around," Dave Holland Big Band.

Latin Jazz Album: "The Gathering," Caribbean Jazz Project.

Female R&B Performance: "He Think I Don't Know," Mary J. Blige.

Male R&B Performance: "U Don't Have to Call," Usher.

R&B Performance by a Duo or Group: "Love's in Need of Love Today," Stevie Wonder and Take Six.

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: "What's Going On," Chaka Khan & The Funk Brothers.

Urban/Alternative Performance: "Little Things," India.Arie.

R&B Song: "Love of My Life (An Ode To Hip Hop)," Erykah Badu, Robert Ozuna, James Poyser, Raphael Saadiq & Glen Standridge (Erykah Badu featuring Common).

R&B Album: "Voyage To India," India.Arie.

Contemporary R&B Album: "Ashanti," Ashanti.

Female Country Vocal Performance: "Cry," Faith Hill.

Male Country Vocal Performance: "Give My Love To Rose," Johnny Cash.

Country Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal: "Long Time Gone," Dixie Chicks.

Country Collaboration with Vocals: "Mendocino County Line," Willie Nelson with Lee Ann Womack.

Country Instrumental Performance: "Lil' Jack Slade," Dixie Chicks.

Country Song: "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)," Alan Jackson (Alan Jackson).

Bluegrass Album: "Lost in the Lonesome Pines," Jim Lauderdale, Ralph Stanley and The Clinch Mountain Boys.

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Don't Know Why," Norah Jones.

Pop Collaboration with Vocals: "The Game of Love," Santana and Michelle Branch.

Pop Instrumental Performance: "Auld Lang Syne," B.B. King.

Pop Instrumental Album: "Just Chillin'," Norman Brown.

Dance Recording: "Days Go By," Dirty Vegas.

Traditional Pop Vocal Album: "Playin' With My Friends: Bennett Sings the Blues," Tony Bennett.

Female Rap Solo Performance: "Scream a.k.a. Itchin'," Missy Elliott.

Male Rap Solo Performance: "Hot in Herre," Nelly.

Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: "The Whole World," OutKast featuring Killer Mike.

Rap/Sung Collaboration: "Dilemma," Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland.

Alternative Music Album: "A Rush of Blood to the Head," Coldplay.

Female Rock Vocal Performance: "Steve McQueen," Sheryl Crow.

Male Rock Vocal Performance: "The Rising," Bruce Springsteen.

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal: "In My Place," Coldplay.

Metal Performance: "Here to Stay," Korn.

Rock Instrumental Performance: "Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon (Utopia Planitia)," The Flaming Lips.

Rock Song: "The Rising," Bruce Springsteen (Bruce Springsteen).

Rock Album: "The Rising," Bruce Springsteen.

The ceremonies were held on the night of 23 Februrary, 2003.

I'm tired of the cold. I want lemonade and flopsy shoes and little umbrellas in my drinks.

I take it back. I want one further. I want twiddling toes in grassy knolls and laying on the sweet grass looking for four leaf clovers. I want the sun kissing my shoulders and the warm winds. I want daisy chains and lazy bees and the smell of rain.

I want one further. I want warm rain storms and running through them shrieking and feeling alive. I want chalk on the pavement and skipping because I can.

Fresh cut grass and running through sprinklers. Hearing the kids on their bikes with cards attached to the spokes. Tapoketa-poketa-poketa. Barbecue smells from the neighbors. Baby frogs in the garden. Crickets in the evenings.

I want one further. I want the stars so bright they make me breathless. Lying on the ground and staring up at them and wishing. And wishing.

Swinging on swings, legs dangling and tossing myself up so high I can almost fly. I want the air through my hair as I swing to the clouds. I want sunshine and wildflowers and sandy feet.

Rubber shoes on the pavement, thump thump thump as they run by. Children laughing. Popsicles dribbling down my arm as my mouth tries to beat the sun at consuming them. I want one further. I want the smell of fresh lilacs growing outside my window, breezing in. I want comfort. I want home.