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It's been over two years since I moved back home. I never could understand why things were so strange for me, why I didn't seem to be doing the things that every normal person was doing. For instance, going to sleep at a decent hour. I wasn't doing the things that I used to do, it was as if I was a completely different person. And I always felt that it was because I missed Marty and because he wasn't here any more I was a completely different person. But I have come to realize the real reason just today. And that reason is that I don't live here.

Don't get me wrong, all my stuff is here. Most of it is still packed away in boxes, stored in the basement. For the first time in my entire life I have a bedroom all to myself. And I hate it! Growing up my sister and I shared a room until I moved into the dorms. At RIT I had a roommate until I moved in with Marty and then of course, there was Marty. But now I am all alone and still the room doesn't feel like mine. In fact, it feels less like my room than any room ever has.

Finally, about two weeks ago I began to sort through some of my things. I opened up my closet and found piles upon piles of my high school stuff, still tucked away, waiting for me to throw them out. I didn't throw anything out but I did make more room. I unpacked some of my personal things that really should have been unpacked within a week of moving in. My whole life has been packed away for two years! At first I think it was in response to not wanting to move back home, a strong stubborness within me refusing to acknowledge the need to be here, which progressed into an unsettling feeling of not being at home. I don't know if it was my stubborn streak alone that made me feel not at home, the fact that my family drove me nuts or my stuff being unavailable to me that created this awful feeling...

My bedroom has been a complete mess since I moved home. It literally looks like a tornado had struck a giant dishwasher before entering my room, only to leave the contents of said dishwasher scattered all over my room, mingling with my clothing. My family never could understand. "How in the world can you live like this? This is disgusting! Dirty clothes, dirty dishes, papers scattered all over the room! How can you live like this?" But what neither of us understood is that I didn't live there. This was my place to sleep. It wasn't home. And I only slept there when I was so exhausted that I couldn't stay awake another moment. I didn't sleep there, I crawled into my room, dumped all the crap off my bed, grabbed a blanket and crashed. There's a big difference.

I don't play the flute anymore. I have three flutes and they are all broken. It makes me sad to know that I cannot afford to fix them. Yet another thing to add to the unhomeliness of it all. I don't sit on my bed and listen to music anymore. Until recently my bed served more as a storage area than a bed. I don't read in the bath tub for hours at end anymore. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't read on the toilet anymore. I just don't do anything. And I used to think that there was something really wrong with me. But there isn't anything wrong with me, it's the feeling of not being at home. It's the feeling of living someone else's life, the life that is expected of me while I am living in this house. It's not the life that I want. Well, maybe it is the life I want but it's not coming about in the way that I want and as a result I struggle against my family's pushing.

This afternoon I found myself sitting in the bathroom reading Feel This Book by Janeane Garaffalo and Ben Stiller (who I happen to absolutely adore!). I suddenly realized that it had been ages since I had done this. Suddenly I wondered, am I me again? My bedroom no longer looks like a scene from Twister and here I am sitting on the pooper reading a book. Could this really be Debbie coming back to life? Have I spent all this time wondering who I am, what I like and what I want to do when it was there all the time, just burried under family pressures and annoyances? And suddenly the world looked a little less gloomy and I didn't feel so damn short anymore. Today turned out to be a pretty decent day after all.

Note to self: buy MarilynM a new copy of Feel This Book

Morning! =)


Interesting that I actually remembered a cool dream this time. I wrote it down. Damn, it's been a while since I last had a dream that I actually remembered... So long time, actually, that I accidentally created it as a day log entry =)


Bore bore bore. Wrote to Usenet. Stuff. Yawn.

I've been thinking: Maybe it's not that I'm a bad coder. I'm just unable at the moment to use all the things that would allow me to make Popular Programs. Ie, I kind of dislike Gtk+ and like (though I have to admit GTK+ is one of the nicest GUI toolkits); Only GUI toolkit I can even pathetically use is the Java AWT. So, I can't goddamn make any Popular Programs. Yesterday, I made the Perl script 'cuz I opened Glade, built some UI for a sexy ripper, and then decided, "awww man, it's a lot of work". So I decided to dump the GUI idea and make a Perl scipt that uses the code. Won't be as popular, but hey, it does the job...


All sorts of weird badness that drags my mood down. All started when someone gave me one downvote. Yes, one downvote. "Damn it, I made a mistake!" Then, I got down because all of the Debian servers were down. Oh ghod. ::sighs deeply::


Installed Microsoft Sidewinder 3D Pro driver to Windows. It refused to find the stick. Restarted windows. BSOD. Reboot. Still nothing. Quality software. =( Plus, the dialog was in English when I had Finnish version of Win98SE...

Other day logs o' mine...

What I noded today: Dream Log: August 16, 2000 glade

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

8:25 BST

Not feeling too well this morning.

My frank exchange of views with my Project Leader seems to have done some good between us. It's kind of like a thunderstorm clearing the muggy air of a hot summer day. I've actually emailed him and planned what I am going to do; unheard of before this week. I am becoming a good corporate bunny.

I only hope he doesn't attribute this change to his superior management skills.

I was stupid last night masukomi. I forgot all I read in your daylog a few days ago, and proceeded to make a stupid faux pas. I was taking another noder for granted and simply didn't take in what was being said.

I apologise, this was my fault and I will try not to let it happen again.

12:50 BST

(mr burns' voice):"Excellent, It's all coming together"

It seems somehow as though I have sold out to The Man by feeling proud of my work recently. Even though I really don't enjoy it, I have made a lot of progress on our demonstration system.

Whilst at lunch, a strange image surprised me:

Recently I was watching one of those candid, fly on the wall documentaries about people in pornographic films. It seemed that every actress who was interviewed started out happy, but as the interview progressed, became more and more morose and ever closer to tears. Each actress (they were interviewing younger actresses who had only just started out making "movies") had this look of resigned disgusted sadness on their faces. This was made all the more striking because it was all done with the eyes because they all had a fixed "happy" grin/grimace on their faces. They would be saying something about how wonderful the people were to look at, whilst their eyes looked haunted and tearful. The male performers were totally blank; their attitude towards women was awful. To a man, they all said variations of "yeah, the bitch wants it hard". Each time they were given directions by the camera team, you could see the processing going on behind the blank faces. And the way they treated the women? Yuck. There was no acting, this was just... awful. Pushing the women down hard onto a sofa or blanket, ignoring signs from the girls that they were hurting them and actually getting angry when one girl asked for time out to reapply lubrication...

So what does this have to do with my Lunch Break?

I looked up from my food to see a girl with that exact same look on her face. A guy on another table had the same blank, hungry look on his face. This was very strange. Both of them were smiling, but their eyes were saying something completely different.

I'm sure I will get flamed by people who think I am condemning pornography. I'm not, I was just touched by the expressions on these people's faces

More later? You bet!


I hope there are some Belle and Sebastian fans here on Everything who are reading this because I need your help. Last night I was listening to their brilliant song, Woman's Realm, from the new album Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant. The last minute of this song really reminds me of an older song of theirs and I can't remember which one. I know for sure it's not Boy With the Arab Strap. I must have listened to everything they've ever released last night, but I couldn't find it.

I think the song I'm looking for has Stuart singing, is quite a high and fast one with lovely lilting strings. I think that the lyrics to the relevant lines might be "da da da go to work this morning\da da da dada go to work\da da da da da DA" It might have the line "da da da Catcher in the Rye" too, near the end I think.
Does that help? Probably not. If you have the song listen to the last 60 seconds of it. Please help me. I'm so frustrated.

Well, apart from being tired because of that lot going through my head last night, today is a mixed day. It was raining heavily when I left home. By the time I got to work I had escaped the dark clouds, but they were following behind me. Hrmmm. I'm going to fill a nodeshell to cheer myself up.

Went to the park this morning and sat by a giant buddlea. There were lots of beautiful red admirals feeding off the nectar in its purple flowers. There were also a couple of other sorts of butterfly, cabbage whites, and one with orange and black markings that I couldn't identify. For some reason they kept alighting on my newspaper so I got a good look at them. They have a very long proboscis that curls up at the end, used for extracting the nectar.

After that we played the identify the tree game, as usual not too sucessfully. After studying the tree book at length we did finally figure out that we were looking at a white bean. Later, I saw a really beautiful shrub that had blue berries (although some were still unripe and green), little spiky leaves, and delicate yellow flowers. The berries somehow looked artificial, like decorations.

In the paper today I noticed that the statistician John Tukey had died. Apparently he invented the terms bit and software.

I went on a huge noding spree today. I noded plane algebraic curve and am slowly working my way through all the examples I gave there. Phew! Anyhow, this has taken me to the next level and so tomorrow someone will feel my awesome chinging power!

Last daylog

Early morning before work, just had a nice shower that actually had hot water, which is a refreshing change.

I had a good night's sleep, yet I'm still physically and mentally exhausted. Who the hell thought that having a full-time job would be such a pain in the ass?

15:20 EET

Nice. I'm getting a big, big project on my hands starting in two weeks, if our offer goes through. It involves some heavy coding, so thankfully it's not a one-man-job. Still, there will be no lack of stuff to do at work for at least the next 3 months.
Hopefully a lack of money won't be a problem either, but I've learned not to get my hopes too high with this company. At the moment I'm broke, I've got the first Xfiles DVD box set coming and my home monitor is about to explode. *sigh*.. Sometimes I think life was so much easier when we lived in caves hunting for living. :)

Damn. I intended to write much more here, but realized it's time to get walking. So I'll be back with an update after I get home.

17:12 EET

I don't know whether to laugh or cry because of some people in the drug debate nodes.. Funny, I wasn't aware those reefer madness -followers still exist in such vast numbers outside the goverments and police forces. Go ahead, vote me down. It won't change the truth. Fortunately there also seems to be a good amount of noders who actually use their gray matter.
I may be getting hold of a few blotter hits soon. Maybe I should already take out the orange peeler and open up the balcony door? No, wait.. We don't have a balcony. Damn, I don't get to practice my flying now!

22:49 EET

This is pretty fscked up right here.
One of my very worst writeups just got C!ed. I even tried to have it removed via E2 Nuke Request a while ago but they destroyed an another one instead. Oh well, it goes to show the noders here are my kind of people. :)

I'm really pissed off at my mother at the moment. She just won't shut up! It's not me she's bitching to, but my sister. Not that I would care, but my mom uses her voice more than a regular opera performer. Constantly. Without a pause.
It would be so great to finally be able to move out of this hell hole. But with no money for even a lunch, how could I afford it? *sigh* My only hope is to get to an university next fall. I'm already studying for the admission exams for next year, but it will be extremely difficult for a non-intellectual such as myself.

My backup-work is advancing with approx. 160 of my writeups secure. I haven't noticed any more missing ones, but better safe than nuked. I'd still like to know wtf was wrong with the piece they removed? Ah, forget it.

Damn. No sign of noder's block here. This is one of those nights when there are 1001 things to node and tons of other stuff to do. Hopefully it'll be quiet at the office tomorrow.. >:)

23:23 EET

Special thanks to dannye for clearing up the whole nuking deal, and removing that one embarassing writeup that certainly didn't deserve the C! it got. Unfortunately, I now keep fearing more and more of my writings will be classified as unsuitable for E2 and be removed. That's why I'll keep backuping everything.

Today's Writeups
Korg RK-100 | Roland CR-68 | Roland CR-78 | Roland TR-808

I have finally taken to straight black coffee as a way to sustain myself in the morning. I am feeling strangely energetic today. Maybe it is because today is my last day of work before a four day weekend. WOOHOOOOOO!!!!! Also I get to move out of my parents house tommorrow. I am moving back to the city where I go to college. I can't wait to get into my apartment. Sure, it means I have to cook and clean for myself but it is worth it. Life is looking good and for anyone who is feeling bad today feel free to get reeeeal close to me and share the warm sunshine of joy (wow, that was kind of sappy). Anyway, for a summary everything looks good, granted I am still single, but then again you have to have something to strive towards.

Not the best way to start the day. I overslept and didn´t come to work until about one o´clock, instead of the usual 0900 am.

But I don´t care anymore because I had icecream and coffee for lunch!

Good God y'all.

I've been single for over a week now, it's not as bad as i thought it would be, but I've started getting back on ICQ again, 'casue I now have time to do so.
In the last four days I've met 7 new girls online, one of then last night, decided it was her job to profess her undying love to me.
WTF how the hell did this happen? was it subtly announced on CNN that the ICQ cowboy is single again? This is truely frightening to me. I've checked my info twice to see if I or someone else changed any of the important stuff, but no it's all still the same a before. Very strange, now don't get me wrong I LOVE the attention, but this is a little out of hand.

Apart from that this has been a great week,other than the fact that my boss came back from vacation this week, but that's cool, I can deal with that.

One really cool thingis that until this week I had never done my own laundry my mother always did it 'til I moved in with an old girlfriend, oved home mom took care of it. Move out again, girlfriend did it, next girlfriend did it, now I'm doing it. Sounds really bad I know, but I've been spoiled my whole life. Now I have no choice I do it or it doesn't get done. It's kinda funny, and all my friends think it's hillarious.

So, last night (actually very early today), I talked to this girl I know.. we weren't friends.. i'm not sure if we are now.. but we have some common ground, and a bit of understanding about each other's world. It was a good talk, I think we both have gotten to a point where we can drop out suspicions about one another (of course, this doesn't include our natural "are you trying to fuck me over" aspects we have in general), and have a conversation about something real. That to me is a good thing. Even with all the BS, I always kind of respected her.. she seemed bright, and like me in some aspects.. but that also made me even more suspicious.. because I know how I am in some situations.. it made me even quicker to be critical, and paranoid, and to act on those feelings. I think this is something we can put behind us, leaving us to be more "sane" about whatever.. at least for me. I don't know, whatever it was .. pointless in analyzing.. I walked away from it feeling ok. Which is something I really haven't done with her.

I also talked to my globe-trotting Joshie. I miss Josh. It sucks to go 2 years without seeing someone, especially when at one time you got to see them every day. Even more so when the reason is physical distance. Josh is like this great person, with a rad outlook, unique.. with his intellect and charm. I don't know if Josh realizes how much he means to me. He has fallen out of friendships with some people we used to both be close too.. but this doesn't affect the relationship we have. I really care about him, and want to see him happy. As I do with most my friends, but the happiness I want for Josh is different.

After this, realizing sleep was something that was to be without for at least now.. I intergrated some old stuff into my livejournal.

I have to do laundry today, and later tonite I am going to a play, and dinner with some of my relatives visiting from New York.

I am nervous about the new shrink. It is he is a psychoanalyst, who does cognitive therepy. I know what I will do, It's what I do when I get a new shrink.. I go through this pattern of trying a shrink.. then quitting 3 weeks-3 months later. I have actually stayed with it for more than 6 months with only one therapist, and that was about 6 years ago. I will fuck with him, questioning his methods using his tools (DSM-IV, documented research, his own perspective of the world). What happens then is either they freak because they don't like to be questioned, or he will play the game back. If he freaks, he is either insecure about his abilities, or is just an ass. If he doesn't, It shows he knows how to do he job.. at least partly.

I know why I'm trying again. This time it's not just the stuff in my head. I know I need to get rid, or put on pause or tune out the eating disorder. It was tolerable, just fucked up in my mind at first, but now it is affecting my emotional status. I realize that even with all that is being weighed out. Emotional strife, mental anguish, health problems later on, and basically choosing my not being a fat girl over all of that is fucked up. The fact that I was going 1-6 days with out eating, on a regular basis is abnormal and fucked.. but whatever.. physically, I am healthy (i've gone to the dr, had blood work done, etc).. that isn't enough to push me to seek help from others.. nevermind professional help. It is the fact that, it got better for 2 months, after a 13 month struggle.. then came back with a vengence. So bad, that it became the normal thing and I didn't realize that i'd go a few days without eating. I wasn't even trying. There is more I will write about the actual problem I have with eating. Not the name of it, but basically the problem and why later. Its too long to do now, emotionally I don't feel like it, and I am just now openly talking about it with details "publicly". My friends have known something was up with my eating habits, but minus 2 people.. no one really knew any facts. I'm just admitting the extent to myself.

More Later..

Factgirl's fact of the day:

This FOTD is for you youngsters:

420 - Code to pot smokers for "time to smoke" or "got spleef?"
4:20 - Ceremonial time of day many pot smokers light up
4/20 - April 20, day when many pro-pot organizations have ceremonies
4-20 - NOT San Rafael California police code for "pot smoking in progress" - in fact there is no 4-20 code at all

The term 420 (for twenny) started at San Rafael High School in the early 1970's by a now legendary group of outcasts called the Waldos. School let out at 3:10, and a few had after school activities that lasted an hour - they met every day by a statue of Louis Pasteur at - you guessed it - 4:20. 420 stayed pretty much within the Deadhead community in the 70's and 80's but spread quickly throughout pot society in the 90's.

A side note: Now that you know this fact you will suddenly become very aware of how many times the number 420 comes up... TV shows, commercials, addresses, even nursery rhymes (HOW many blackbirds baked in a pie..?).

-it's a fact!

sources: April 20 San Francisco Chronicle, High Times Magazine May 97 and Dec 98

Why is registering for college so damn complicated? I drove downtown yesterday, after being called by some lady from Hope College who said I should come in and take the French placement exam. I had thought it was too late, so I was happy to hear I could still give it a try. Set up an appointment for 1:30, and left home around one o'clock because I knew I'd get lost driving around. Took the test, was placed in FREN 202-01 and the thing drill 202-02, but that was far from the end of it. The lady in the language department sent me over to registration, who gave me an arm-full of papers and told me to come back tomorrow after going back to my high school and having the principal sign some release thing for dual enrollment. So today, that is what I did. I chased the assistant principal down in the hallways at school and demanded he sign the form. Then I drove back to Hope and had the language department lady sign another form and write my name in on the class lists. Next I ran over to admissions and turned in my principal-signed form so they could put my name into the computer. They sent me off the admissions, with only a map and a vague comment about what a nice walk it was over to the other building. Somewhat overwhelmed, I found myself in a maze of paths leading in every which way, most filled with maintenance vans and trucks and shirtless men driving lawn mowers. I managed to walk through a cloud of pesticides, which was not too pleasant. After wandering aimlessly for a while waiting for my eyes to stop watering, I found the right building. I gave them my stack of papers, they took what they needed, and that was that. Now all I have to do is rearrange my high school schedule to allow me to take this French class, which my counselor assured me would take a lot of hard work. Sigh.

It's been one of those days. Eclectic failure, stupid shit, and bad news all piled up on me today. I'd just day log this crap, but I don't want to be scrolling through the various daylogs later in life and see a horrid reminder of today. My buddy and his pal are laughing about something. I wish I could laugh (oh shit I sound like a melodramatic 13 year old).

Things that sucked about today:

Unsuccessfully trying to graft NT onto a six year old HP Vectra. That took four hours of my life. I want it back M$. That wouldn't be too bad as I have failed at installing a specific OS on a specific machine many times. But this was a cheap hardware bullshit assignment from the start, and I said so from the start. Ok well, actually I said "I'll see if I can do it", rather than the usual "Sure, no prob". To make it worse mcwax a personal friend of mine asked me to do it. We don't often get a chance to work together, and it'd been cool to work with him again.

So just as I was finishing up failing at that, the president of the company (there's only about 35 of us), comes to me and ask for IP accounting logs. I've already become work's pr0n nazi. Now I have to be the surf nazi too (weren't there surf nazi's in Point Break). I'm gonna take a whole lot of shit for that. Go ahead shoot the phrackin messenger.

So finally, I go to generate reports from the ipfm accounting logs I have, and I realize that I have no way of matching source and destination IP's to tell the boss where people have been going. This is something of a relief as no one will get busted without knowing they were being sniffed, but OTHO I just took a bitching about the (admitedly) stupid way I setup the IP logging.

In the end I see several courses of action.

  1. Run head first full speed into the wall ala the Egyptian prison warden with a scarab in his skull in The Mummy.
  2. Move into marketing. (JK I'm not that frustrated yet.)
  3. Ban all Microsoft products from the network -- a fine idea of course, but as we do develop Windows (well Lotus Notes on NT) based server apps for mostly Windows clients, a bit impractical.
  4. Roam the office with a baseball bat and a shotgun going postal on machines that have pissed me off... and that guy in accounting.
  5. Deal with it, and try again tomorrow. Shit, I only see one decent option... Where's my box of shells?

This is a test, a sentence for the sake of a sentence, just to see what will come out. Will more come from my fingers on my keyboard? I'm not thinking of anything in particular; I just can't think of anything interesting to write. Except maybe I could talk about the fire truck that whizzed down 10th street as I was walking to Sunnyside station. It was going to an accident, nothing major, just some bumper kissing, but the was a cop car there, and ambulance, and the aforementioned fire truck, and another which was hot on the heels of the first down 10th street. I walked by the accident, around Safeway, instead of going directly to the train station, and I missed the c-train as a result. Doh. But that was ok, because I just sat for a bit and read a bit of Johnny and the bomb, by Terry Pratchett, a children's book yes, but I spent all morning banging code and half the afternoon doing vector calculus, so it was nice to read something relaxing, that didn't require a lot of thinking. I got that book from the Wee Book Inn in Kensinton, which is across the street and down a bit from my favorite coffee shop, Higher Ground. That's where I sat doing vector calculus; I took the afternoon off to do so. My life is so much fun. Actually, really understanding the math helps you understand the beauty of the universe. Once you understand it, it's really cool. You start to see things in different ways when you understand them, more in detail, more depth, more the beauty of the thing. Poets might complain that science and engineer types don't get the beauty of the universe, that you have to be some depressed, angst filled artist to experience the beauty of the world. But I can see so much more beauty for having done some math and science, it's like a sort of drug that takes more effort, but which is worth more in the end. At least to me.

Wow. I think I came up with enough ideas in that test for three nodes! That's stream of consciousness for you.

It's not like I don't have my fair share of depression or angst either, and I'm not about to go Goth to express it, but sometimes when I solve a problem or I am able to see a surface in my head, it just makes it all go away for a bit.

I need to do stream of consciousness more often! What an uplifting euphoria I'm feeling!

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 23:58:16 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 655110 (1762 new since August 15, 2000)
Number of users: 17987 (41 new since August 15, 2000)
Number of links: 3027610 (25477 new since August 15, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.421 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.622 links per node
Link to user ratio: 168.322 links per user

New Nodes: [shaftie] [My Love-Hate relationship with my breasts] [Hugh Jackman] [Ralph Nader] [Cinco de Mayo] [Why do dimples on a golf ball allow it to travel farther?] [movies that will induce a mindfuck] [Jared: Butcher of Song] [Ode to Billy Carter] [Greene's Method] [telephoto lense] [DuH i'M sTOoPiD] [Trust your intuition] [telephoto lense] [beauty of a thunderstorm]

Users Online (48): [Pseudo_Intellectual] [dannye] [knifegirl] [Jet-Poop] [moJoe] [General Wesc] [mat catastrophe] [prole] [kenata] [themusic] [hatless] [thefez] [Quizro] [fustflum] [dragoon] [Ereneta] [gnarl] [kamamer] [pealco] [proj2501] [ZamZ] [Flip] [ScottMan] [--OutpostMir--] [ccunning] [Eos] [Katyana] [srkorn] [Psk] [urbanmisfit] [masukomi] [stash] [chrisjh] [Andromache01] [TheNastyCanasty] [WeamsCarnival] [Cara*] [sockpuppet] [Merlin83] [beek] [Kimonade] [pigpoo] [nd] [Shijef] [PhysicsChic] [Xyra] [narcolepticinsomniac] [cote]

JeffMagnus node count: 4029 (1 new since August 15, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9456 (2 more since August 15, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.347 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.616%
JeffMagnus node of the day: The 106th Congress

I just told my ex-fiance that I'm in love with another man and that I can't get back together with him, yet he knows that the man I love recently broke up with me. He of course was angry and ended any kind of future friendship that we could possibly have, but what can I expect he's still in love with me and I never was truly in love with him. I explained to him that I am growing up and that we all have to find our own way in life, creat our own path. His simple mind didn't exactly comprehend what I was saying but I think the realization of [mental' and emotional growth in me and not in him really hit him hard. He actually taught me that I am growing maybe not as fast and far as I want to but I'm getting there and I like where I'm headed.


There was a bomb threat at work today. It was probably someone prank calling the 800 number, but we evacuated anyway. The cops came, but the fire department didn't. So, I refused to stay at work. The whole idea of being blown up by a bomb freaks me out, and if the fire department didn't check the building, I don't want to stay there. I left 3 hours early, and I might get in trouble for it. I don't really care. I'm not going to spend 3 hours at work on pins and needles because I'm worried.

No jobs in sight at this point. I'm trying not to let it worry me.

I had a long talk with my boyfriend Alex last night about us and the future. Not a bad talk mind you, but a semi-serious talk that was a little strange. Never try to talk about serious relationship affecting things late at night. It will leave you drained and tired, and you will fall asleep as soon as you get into bed and upset the other person because you won't wake up to make love.

Or maybe that's just me.

Two more days of work. Let's see if I can make it through. I think I can. I think I can.

Nodes That I Wrote Today:

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
Fiona Apple - Tidal
I really need to change the CD's in my home system. I've been listening to this for the last week when I've been at home on the computer.

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar - don't remember - I'm writing this at home

I will wash the dishes, while you go have a beer.


Finally started banging the old daylogs out again. I had started to wait, and wait - telling myself I'd do them later. Unfortunately, the minutes and hours slowly slip away and when you sit down you remember nothing. Aggressive action is the only course.


I woke around one, turned over, and got out of bed around two. Time never seems as fluid as it does when dozing. I ripped through some more skinny legs and all before going upstairs for food. It's an interesting book, and Tom Robbins definitely has an intelligent style. No wonder Nick and Margo liked him. After eating I got a short call from the Balboa Island satellite of the family, with the usual topics. I gadded around on E2 a bit and then made a serious dent in the book. Dad came home and we had another agonizing discussion about shiftless me. He doesn't understand, thinks it's an issue of motivation as opposed to depression, but somehow I can't tell him. At least I didn't just leave to my little apartment Fortress of Solitude. I was sticking in the Florida pictures from the Mavica as we, well mostly he, talked. He finally left and then came back with the phone later. Yes mom, no mom, three bags full mom. She was upset I hadn't watered, something I felt a small bit of guilt for due to the heat, but more because she thought I wouldn't as opposed to time of such action. Dad then came in and asked to go water now and transfer photos later. Amusing considering I was going to water earlier and he asked me to swap floppies instead. Whenever he does anything he always involves everyone in it - I'm the opposite, I prefer to work alone and without help, even when it gets me in trouble.

nutrient fueling

It was way too hot to run, apparently around 105 degrees fahrenheit in some areas of Glendale. So we headed out for food instead, Dad having suggested Rubio's Baja Grill. We ate it there, and I stuck with fish tacos, confirming my food avoidance through vomiting theory. Apparently Rubio's has a liquor license, as I've never seen a fast food place with beer and chardonnay. Hunger sauce in hand, we polished them off flat while talking about Oracle and politics. We came back home and I slipped into my apartment for a little Powerpuff Girls enjoyment to followed with continued work on the book.

actual social interaction, wow

Came upstairs and found Dad hard at work sorting the photos. After a few pointers on how to cut, copy, paste and navigate the windows finder he got to work. I later heard him exclaim "This isn't too hard." After discovering Tom's absence I gave Austen a call to actually have her pick up for once. We had a decently long talk - guess she doesn't dislike me after all - complete with a polite discussion on politics. She's smart (I completely disagree with her), but she's cynical and enamoured of the status quo. Poor girl didn't have too much luck with the driving test - her first time with cars always turns out bad. Scraped a mirror three feet away and it was over. She loved finding out Nathan was in Germany as well. Apparently Kira failed to throw her big bash due to lack of RSVPers, too bad. At least I'll see her before leaving.

late night meanders

Shot the shit on E2 and had some intelligent conversation in the Chatterbox. I then went back to my apartment to finish skinny legs and all. After completing it, I'm conflicted. I like many of the messages in the book but they run into the Ayn Rand conflict sometimes. "Think for yourself, and this is the way you should do it." I don't know. It definitely has some interesting things to say about the Middle East. Lately though, I've come to realize that the Jews probably have a better claim to Jerusalem than the Moslems. It started with an Los Angeles Times editorial and finished with this book. Of course, that doesn't start to address the question of the Palestinians... Everything's too complicated sometimes.

I remeber thinking that after I got out of high school, life would be simplier. There wouldn't be the fucked up history with everyone I saw. Nobody would have all of these preconcieved notions about me (some justified, some not). I just thought that starting all over would make life easier.

I was wrong.

College is no less complicated than high school. My life is actually harder to navigate through, now that I have the issues with people from high schools, problems and complex relationships with people from college, and then all of the crap and people that don't fit into any catagory. Not to mention my relationship with my parents. While I will admit fully that it has gotten 200% better (and it was never really bad), it has gotten strange. My dad will now sit down with me and discuss his old drug exploits. My mom actually says "fuck" in front of me without blushing.

Life didn't get simplier - it got stranger.

This always becomes more obvious when I'm home for a visit. Every time I return to Montana, I get a minor panic attack.

I'm just no longer used to running into people that I thought had ceased to exist after high school. I'm not used to people that I didn't even know recognizing me, running up to me, and giving me a hug.

My life is weird everywhere ... but it's really obviously strange here.

This is the actual letter I sent to the management of my residence. The names have been changed to protect the evil. (See also: They couldn't install the DSL for further explanation)

August 16, 2000
Nancy |last name hidden cause I'm nice|
General Manager, Atrium Village
|address hidden cause I'm nice| Hill St.
Chicago, IL 606XX

To Whom It May Concern:

I have lived at the Atrium Village for three months now. I moved in during June of this year, and shortly after moving in, started researching high-speed Internet accessfor the Atrium Village area. I require high-speed Internet access at home for work, where I am a full-time web designer and programmer.

I found that I had moved into an area of Chicago that was particularly advanced as far as Internet connectivity is concerned. The options of high-speed Internet access via cable modem and via DSL (Digital Subscriber Line) are readily available throughout the Near North area of the city. My main concern from then was to decide which provider to choose.

Cable Internet access was my immediate choice for its ease of installation and low price. Knowing of the Atrium’s contract with OnePoint Communications for cable television, I looked to them first for cable Internet access. Upon finding out that OnePoint did not offer cable Internet access to the Atrium, I looked to 21st Century Communications for the cable Internet service. I was under the impression that since cable Internet service does not transfer signals like cable television service, that it would not breach of the Atrium’s OnePoint contract. I received a “Right of Entry Agreement” from 21st Century that was to be signed by the management of the Atrium to let their technicians onsite to install the cable service. I was then told that they could not come onto the property because it was a breach of contract, and that I should look into DSL for my high-speed Internet access, because other residents of the Atrium have DSL and have had no installation conflicts.

I decided on Flashcom for a DSL service provider. I called at the beginning of July and ordered the service, understanding that it would be no problem with the Atrium management or any outstanding contracts that existed. I was told by the Flashcom representative that it would take about three weeks for the phone line to be checked by Ameritech (the provider of the actual physical phone line), and about a week after that a Flashcom technician would be onsite to install the service in my apartment.

During the first week of August I received a phone call from a representative of Rhythms DSL confirming my Flashcom DSL installation and setting an appointment time. The appointment was set for Thursday, August 10, during the hours between 8:00 A.M. and 12:00 P.M. During this appointment the technician was to come and set up the phone line and hardware (phone jack and computer) to enable the apartment for DSL service.

At 2:00 P.M. on August 10 the technicians arrived. They came into the apartment, looked at the phone jack, and then asked to see the management for the key to the phone closet. I led them to the main office in the mid-rise to get the key from the general manager of the complex. We were informed that she was on the phone and then waited for about twenty minutes.

When you entered the room, I believe you started to say to the technician something like “some resident keeps calling all of these companies for cable Internet access,” when you stopped and noticed me. You proceeded to tell me that I could not have cable Internet access and that 21st Century and OnePoint were merging at the end of the month. I expressed the fact that I was no longer interested in cable Internet access, and that the technicians needed the key to the phone closet to switch my DSL line on. The technician then noted that DSL is in fact a phone service, and is in no way related to the cable infrastructure. You then continued to cite the contract with OnePoint and started talking about “recognized contractors,” who were the only people that could gain access to the phone closet. When I explained how I was told to get DSL and that other residents had the service, I was informed that there were no DSL installations approved by the office and that they must have had their service installed without inside wiring (which is not physically possible).

At that point I noticed that I was being blindly ignored. The DSL technician had obviously given up the argument, and I was once again out of luck. I was also out a month and a half of waiting and a more than a day of work. I waited in person for an unreasonable amount of time for a phone call to end. I was referred to disrespectfully before I was even seen. I was given false arguments and excuses that did not even apply to what I was talking about. I was interrupted. I was backed up by industry professionals, and a resident that was also waiting to talk the manager about his own crisis that he had explained was very serious and had happened for the third time (false eviction notices), and still ignored. I find my treatment in the management office of the Atrium Village unnecessary, uninformed, and most certainly unprofessional.

Nowhere in the Resident Handbook or anything else that I have seen does it state that management approval is required for phone service installation. A digital subscriber line is a phone line. The only difference between DSL and a regular phone line is the ability to transfer data at extremely high speeds. You cannot use DSL as a regular phone line, you cannot use DSL as a fax line, and you definitely cannot use DSL for cable television service. It is a digital phone line. That is all.

I understand that the Atrium must protect its property. I understand that there is risk associated with infrastructure installation. But I also know that the technicians that were here to install my DSL service were professionals. They came only to do their job, and were denied. Such denial is a denial to the technicians, a denial to their business (Rhythms DSL), a denial to Flashcom, a denial to Ameritech, and a denial to my roommates and I, who are paying residents of the Atrium Village.

I would assume that as a resident in an adult community such as the Atrium I would have the right to choose the businesses I patronize for the services I choose. It seems with inconvenient contracts like the OnePoint contract that I am restricted in my choice. It is my understanding that since the contract is between the Atrium Village and One Point, I am still free to choose to have a DSL service, and that I am free to choose who I go to for the service. However, I have been denied that choice.

I write simply to express my concern and ask what I can do. Considering my treatment by the management concerning the services I have attempted to acquire, I would assume I am only left to ask the management. If I cannot choose, I insist you choose for me. If high-speed Internet access were not a necessity for my occupation, I would simply settle for a phone line. However, that is not the case. So, I ask you, the management; what are my options? Research for me, if you will not let me research for myself. Give me options. I’m sure that the price and speed (with free installation and hardware) that I was offered from Flashcom will not be found elsewhere without other problems and a longer wait. Therefore, I request comparable options or the ability to receive the service I want and along with it full cooperation from you, the management.

I hope you understand my situation. I have made an effort to understand the Atrium’s policies and have found no inconsistencies between my requests and the guidelines of the Resident Handbook and lease. I can find no other options for myself than to confront you directly for assistance, as opposed to resistance. I can be reached on weekdays at work from 10:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. at 773-XXX-1X21. Any other time I can be reached at XXX-501-0XXX. Other than this one issue, I have been very happy living at the Atrium Village. I sincerely hope we can work something out. Thank you for your time, and I am looking forward to your call.


|signature here|

Unit 216, Apartment 3

cc: |roommates|

This conversation keeps running through my mind, or maybe my mind keeps running through this conversation. This was back when she and I meant to make a decision about our future together, but we couldn't bring ourselves to make one. The decision just sort of happened, even if we couldn't see it. I had been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. We were sitting on the couch in her mother's living room. The selfsame couch we were on when we were first getting together, and honestly thought that nobody knew.

So we're sitting there, and at some point she says, "I'm only upset with someone until I understand the reasons behind their actions." I respond, "Isn't it enough just to know that resons exist?" She stops listening. Maybe she never started. Eventually I say, "A belief should be based not on what supports it, but on what it supports."

The conversation never really ended. It was still thrashing about months later when I told her to read two dogs. Now it stands out clearly as the end of us.

You think if there's anything that can't be taken away from you, the past is it. I thought I spent a year of my life talking to somebody, but it turned out I was just talking. I suppose you can never really have an event, but only hope: The hope that something might happen, or the hope that it actually did. That's what the second noble truth is all about.

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