Everything Day Logs
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Everything Snapshot

Time: Thu, 20 Jul 2000 00:03:43 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 617101 (1272 new since July 19, 2000)
Number of users: 16986 (30 new since July 19, 2000)
Number of links: 2480660 (22873 new since July 19, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.330 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.020 links per node
Link to user ratio: 146.041 links per user

New Nodes: [anthropomorphize] [drunk and refusing to stagger] [nodelessness] [bumps on a log] [vittles] [Warande] [Raven] [unbreathing] [why the University of Washington can kiss my ass] [putting on her makeup] [ssh] [Security doors RULE] [On becoming work's pr0n nazi] [The Scientist vs. God] [People who wander about with their keys dangling from an oversized shoelace around their neck confuse me]

Users Online (33): [sensei] [pukesick] [N-Wing] [knifegirl] [ModernAngel] [juliet] [prole] [tftv256] [eric+] [Electricsound] [MasterYoshi] [getzburg] [Ground Control] [Starrynight] [Gamaliel] [ivan37] [whizkid] [Halcyon&on] [achan] [Zari] [dr] [noumiso] [Temporary man] [tribbel] [spaceman_spiff] [StopTheViolins] [AgentIpso] [Kazeryu] [mailspd] [lessa] [jtarin] [shifted] [boomeranger]

JeffMagnus node count: 3863 (11 new since July 19, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 7866 (119 more since July 19, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.036 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.626%
JeffMagnus node of the day: biggest Internet scam of all time

Back at work again. All my three day weekends do is make my 10 hour days seem longer. My father dropped off his new computer for me to configure and set up for him; I suppose after raising me I owe him that much. I get to go out with my friends this evening and get completely sloshed; I am very excited.

See? This is my excited face:

I just had the most awesome piece of bread! When I was a kid I would never even consider eating anything but white bread, but damn does wheat bread kick ass! It was the most awesome piece of bread! It was super soft and squishy. You know you have a good piece of bread when you can eat the crust and then roll the rest up in a little soft squishy ball. Mmmm…breadJ You gotta love it.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the BOCES office and see if I can get a job. I was talking to this chick I work with and she was telling me all about working as teacher's assistant. I think I would love it. I love kids and it would be a great opportunity for me to check out the whole teaching thing. Ever since I can ever remember I have wanted to be a teacher but for some reason when it comes to actually do the school work associated with it, I can't seem to motivate myself. Some new legislation was passed which allows people with Bachelor's degrees to teach, without an education degree. This is way cool since I am so close to getting my Bachelor's degree in Mathematics. I would have to complete a Master's in Education within a set amount of time, but that's cool. I just wanna teach. I did some classroom observation at the Junior High level and I loved it. I am getting pretty excited about this! Woohoo! I could be teaching soon!

I heard it again today, "Deb, you're so easy to talk to!" It's not really that I am easy to talk to, it's more like I am a good listener. And it's actually for selfish reasons, I am really curious. I like to know about other people and I like to figure people out. I like to try to figure people out. I want to know why people do things, what they think, what their thought processes are. Some people say that I should be a psychiatrist. When Marty was going through his depression I became fascinated with the disease. I researched it at length. Sometimes I think that's what drove me over the edge with my temporary insanity - too much research. Sometimes it's hard to keep reality separate from reading. Sometimes when I am reading a particularly good novel I find myself thinking about the characters in the book as if they were real. I will be at work and I will find myself wondering why Joan thinks John is such a great guy and why doesn't she just open her eyes and figure out what the heck is going on?

Everyone I meet seems to have an opinion about what I should do with my life. My mom doesn't really care at all as long I hurry up and do SOMETHING! Some of my friends think I should be a teacher, some think I should be a counselor/psychiatrist, some think math is the thing for me and some think I could be a really great saleswoman. I agree with all of them. But I can't seem to pick one thing. Nothing really holds my interest for very long. Then again, all the jobs I have had are pretty menial and not one has ever been anything I would ever consider a career kind of job. But maybe that will change when I try this teaching thing.

But back to being a good listener. I think that I am a good listener because I am curious but also because in being a good listener you gain people's trust. And I like that feeling. I like to feel like people trust me. When you have been a good listener for a long time you learn to pick up on things. You learn to figure out when people are hiding things. You pick up on the little warning signs that tell that someone said one thing but meant another. This is very useful in relationships. But it's useful in everyday life. I would recommend to anyone that they learn how to listen to people. The only problem is that I have these listening skills and I forget that not everyone has them. And I get very frustrated with people who don't understand me because I would understand if I were them. That's entirely not fair, btw, I do know that. Maybe that's the difference between men and women. Maybe women are better listeners? Maybe it's not that we are so much more sensitive but maybe we have learned to pick up on the subtleties in conversation better. And since we can pick up on the subtleties of men, we expect them to do the same? Then when they don't, we assume it's because they don't care; they haven't taken the time to learn how to listen to us. I think that's a pretty decent theory. Based on the experiences I have had with men, both in relationships and life in general, men use the same kind of subtleties in their speech that women do. Hmm? I'll have to think about that some more…

See? There I go, trying to figure people out again! I didn't write anything inspirational today. I feel a bit disappointed in myself. I was thinking about writing a node about my personal philosophy on life but I didn't know what to call it. Maybe I will call it My personal philosophy? Yes I think that's what I will do.

Thanks day logs! I love you!

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

08:30 BST

I just walked the two miles into work for the first time in a month. My stepfather has now left the company down the road from mine; he can no longer drive me to work. It was a lovely morning: a few clouds in the sky and quite warm.

Please Stop Annoying Me bloke has been avoiding me... I wonder if my node's vibes got through to him?

09:30 BST

The plant I brought into work with me 1 week ago is wilting. The compost is moist, but not waterlogged and the plant is in the correct position. I am perhaps attaching too much of myself onto this plant. Somehow I feel that if it dies, then I have failed. Literally, I will have failed to care for it, but I feel the failure to be something larger, something that should define me. It may just be that I am depressed because it is so quiet around here.

19:00 BST

Well, I finally plucked up the courage...

I had a quick impromptu meeting with my General Manager. I told him that I wasn't happy in my support only role; I want to do more creative, coding type work. He told me that I had been "sold" to him on the strength of my support skills. Sold? Am I just a thing to be bartered between souless corporate automatons? I replied that I hadn't been consulted about my career, and that I wanted to remain on track to become a UI designer. I was a good little corporate bunny and assured him that I wouldn't leave before the September trade show in Amsterdam.

It's amazing how quickly my Project Leader started being nicer to me. He asked me what he could do to lighten my workload - I replied that he could do my testing for me. He winced, but agreed!

ClearCase is dying! Hoo-bloody-Ray! After realising that we would have to spend 18 thousand pounds to get the full functionality of this Rational Software product, the powers that be suddenly became more open to other ideas! Watch this space for CVS and the debian bug tracking system! The fact that other sections have been using CVS for years also goes in my favour.

I was importing some documents onto my system when our product manager spotted my X-Men trailer quicktime file. I waited for the worst to happen, but he asked if he could watch it! It seems that there are X-men fans everywhere. Now if the film could hurry up and open here in the UK, I'll be happy.

Last 'real' day at work. I'll just stop by tomorrow before leaving for Umeå. I'm visiting my little sister and are going to see a few bands. I'll bring along 30+ CDs she haven't heard yet. Musikfest!

Heh, do I ever suck: Today, I proudly declare that, yes, I'm wearing unmatched socks!

The next two weeks will be spent waiting, expecting the worst, hoping for the best. Great things are afoot. Expect a follow-up on this one.

Today's Soundtrack: Angie by Tori Amos.

12:46 EET

Nice. Our yard was visited by vandals last night. A drain pipe was ripped out of the wall and our trash can had been tipped over. Well, I hope it was worth the rush for the (presumeably) drunken teen responsible.
I'm just wondering what warranted the attack? Why us? To my knowledge, my family doesn't have any mortal enemies nor anyone pissed off at us enough to do such inane acts. Perhaps it was completely random. Still.. An idea of a stranger walking around our premises damaging our property is quite disconcerting. Especially in such a peaceful neighborhood. Hopefully it was just a singular, random act by some drunk passing by.

I was going to write a node on Akseli Gallen-Kallela today, but since the hours/days of work would only result in accusations of copyright violation, I'll pass. Maybe I'll just stick to writing these day logs and other personal crap. Thankfully Everything is a diary, and nobody has yet tried to claim copyright on what goes on in my brain.

One node which I will be creating in a few days is a diary for my Big LightWave Project™. I even made some progress yesterday, even if it was only approx. 100 polygons for a chandelier which I'll be needing for the scene. After cleaning up my pigsty tonight I'll work on it some more. There's no hurry really, since the "deadline" is months and months away. But when the inspiration is running strong, it needs to be used before vanishing again.

Sigh, the Arabuusimiehet server is still down. This is what happens when a typical admin gets a girlfriend and starts to pretend having a life™. (the dark side of the force!) Thankfully I'm never going to "suffer" from the same "problem" with my looks.

Ok, time to pretend being busy working. Another update later, if anything noteworthy happens. Have a nice day, fellow noders!

14:43 EET

My dad just called to inform me that he'll leave with my mom to pick up my sis from my aunt. Ahhh, empty house for the next 24 hours. Except if I call a friend over.. But with herbal remedies, it would still be quite peaceful. :)

To be continued...

Track of the day:  Jeroen Tel - Cybernoid
For no apparent reason, I logged into e2 for the first time in ages today. I'm considering back-cataoguing the last few months, just in case I need an alibi or something like that..

As for today? Got woken up early. *grr*. Someone with a hoover right outside my room.

I'll also be going into town. Apparently I have a letter in 2600, so I shall be trying to track down said publication. And I'll be meeting up with Rach at some point to get a copy of the T in the Park highlights vid.

Exciting, no?

10:15 - I did a bunch of lyric nodes earlier. It was inspired by noding Garden Party. I am doing laundry today. I updated my I had a crush on node, and took way too much time doing it.

17:00> - I didn't do what I was suppose to. Oh well. Not like I have a life. I shifted my computer monitor and keyboard position on my desk, so my neck and eyes can strain the opposite way.. to now strain the other side of my body.

why, although sometimes its hellish, i enjoy being a geek chick - really got to me when i read it. So much, that I had to read it 3 times to believe someone actually wrote that. Of course I had to add my thoughts.. hmm..

more later
11:05 Eastern Daylight Savings Time.

I'm in a dual teleconference/Microsoft Netmeeting jobbie thing at work right now. Strangely enough, these virtual meetings are my most productive noding time. :)

I worked my abs way too hard last night...I tried to get up out of my comfy chair a few minutes ago and involuntarily emitted a rather scary half groan, half whimper. Everyone at the office is looking at me funny now.

If you see a guy with a big "GETTING TO KNOW YOU NODES" SUCK on WWF Smackdown tonight, it's me. Okay fine, I didn't really have that sign there. But you'll know it's me by my dashing good looks and my Quad Pic of Doom on my home node.

There is a major estrogen explosion on #everything today. It's kinda freaky.

<< week | July 19, 2000 | July 20, 2000 | July 21, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   EDB                  20017     1     0     1  20017     1
   2   Pseudo_Intellectual  19591   141    77    11  19514   152
   3   DMan                 17884   127     4     9  17880   147
   4   dem bones            15807    99    48    11  15759   107
   5   Segnbora-t           12769   101   102    10  12667   101
   6   Saige                12768   116   156    10  12612   109
   7   sensei               10223   121   132     7  10091   119
   8   dannye               10086   114   125     9   9961   112
   9   pukesick              9532    12    23    10   9509    10
  10   tregoweth             9495    85     1    10   9494    99
  11   Deborah909            8750    38    21    10   8729    41
  12   ideath                8685    95    78     8   8607    98
  13   Lometa                8302    75   113     9   8189    69
  14   N-Wing                8157    30    78     9   8079    22
  15   yossarian             7982    58   107     9   7875    50
  16 * Tem42                 7952    79   103     8   7849    75
  17 * knifegirl             7901    44    57     9   7844    42
  18 * JeffMagnus            7887    75   126    10   7761    66
  19 - Jet-Poop              7884    24    29     9   7855    23
  20   /dev/joe              7812    57   141     8   7671    43
  21   jessicapierce         7610     1    32    10   7578    -4
  22   bozon                 7282   101    26     9   7256   114
  23 * moJoe                 7260    61    58     9   7202    61
  24 - pingouin              7215    24    13     9   7202    26
  25   ModernAngel           7126    43    28     9   7098    45
  26   General Wesc          7019    46    79     9   6940    41
  27   hoopy_frood           6787    46    68     8   6719    42
  28 * juliet                6446    97   128     9   6318    92
  29 - Sylvar                6437    74    33     7   6404    81
  30   novalis               6149    25    94     9   6055    13
  31   hamster bong          5995    88    69     6   5926    91
  32   Templeton             5899    72    49     6   5850    76
  33   Uberfetus             5608    33     0     6   5608    38
  34 * alex.tan              5517    29    84     7   5433    20
  35 - sabre23t              5505    59    49     7   5456    61
  36   bitter_engineer       5234    38    12     8   5222    42
  37   wharfinger            5113    66    57     6   5056    68
  38   RockLobster           5053     7     0     9   5053     8
  39   nine9                 5042    11     4     9   5038    12
  40   yam                   4991     8     3     7   4988     9
  41   kessenich             4772    29    15     9   4757    31
  42   ariels                4701    23    31     8   4670    22
  43 * Orange Julius         4489    64    75     7   4414    62
  44 - Sarcasmo              4427     4     5     8   4422     4
  45 * CaptainSpam           4390    36    30     9   4360    37
  46 - Lord Brawl            4389    44    19     8   4370    48
  47 * Dis                   4374    66    63     6   4311    67
  48 - knarph                4342    12    13     9   4329    12
  49   themusic              4200    30    19     8   4181    32
  50   hatless               4160    38    13     8   4147    42
  51   mat catastrophe       4146    80   119     7   4027    74
   *   EBU #51               4146    48   119     *   4027    36

Server time: 15:46 Thu Jul 20 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

First day at a new job. New staff give me (us) a short tutorial of Prince2 methodology ...

sabre23t: Nodes to node

thursday afternoon

i rode my bike in to work today. i really enjoy riding in the morning. it's nice. it wakes me up. gets my blood circulating.

i'm actually finally back in the habit of doing work at work. instead of just fucking around. i feel pretty good about that. sometimes, during my weeks of no-motivation-no-accomplishment, i feel awful guilty about pulling in a paycheck whilst doing absolutely nothing. sometimes i just need a kick in the seat of the pants.

i'm going back to martial arts practice tonight. i'm going to miss having my lazy-at-home evenings but i need to get back in shape.

i have finally decided on my next tattoos but i'm not telling anyone about it until i actually have them. two of them. they're going to be so wonderful.

it'll be nice to have something a little more feminine than my current tattoos.

i want to get this done SOON. now that i have figured out what i want, i want it NOW. i'm going to check the bank account and see if i can afford to do it this weekend and still pay back my boyfriend the $300 i owe him...

(checking via online banking... two more bills to pay before my next paycheck, total of $71.00, which will leave aout $600 in my account, minus $300 i owe craig leaves roughly $300.)

hrmmmm... the tattoos shouldn't be expensive, they're going to be quite small, fairly uncomplicated, and in only black ink. but i think i'll hold off anyway. that's the smart thing to do.

more later...

I woke up with to a sneeze this morning. What a way to begin a hangover, hide in the dark and try not to bite too many people's heads off kind of day. The first words I heard this morning were "Are you ok?" I groaned pulled the pillow back over my head and replied, "Yeah I'm fine." I laugh inside at myself because I'm always just fine. I spend the next four hours drinking a lot of coffee, surfing E2, wishing I could just throw up and feel better. Now I'm sipping on some frozen koolaid type substance in hopes the sugar and ice will at least calm down the urge to purge. Maybe I'll go outside this afternoon forcing myself to look at the beauty of the day, maybe I'll go smell a flower or two (ignoring my allergies) just so I can smile at myself for 'stopping to smell the roses'.

Okay, not day logged for ages - mostly because nothing interesting has happened! (I could node about my paid work but it's depressing.)

So, what's exciting today?

Well, it started a few days ago, really. My wife's had some digestive problems which have meant she's off her food. She's taking the opportunity to lose weight. She's now lost enough she feels she can exercise.

A few days ago we ordered some new gym equipment. Today, the "Adjustable Tummy Trimmer" arrived. A basic padded bench for ab exercises. It's a lot easier than doing sits on the floor and more flexible, too.

It's "foldable". Two wing nuts secure the legs. In theory. The front leg is just okay. However, the back leg's machining leaves something to be desired. We think the leg's slightly too long. As the thing is a previous return, we're going to hack the leg back a milimetre or so to see if that sorts it.

(In detail, the bolt that the rear wing nut secures passes through holes drilled in plates attached to the rear leg and also through the base support. The holes themselves are fine, but the alignment when the leg is open is off fractionally.)

So, this is my first exercise day log. I did one sit. Uff. (It's uphill, unlike the floor.) I didn't think I was that unfit. Oh well. Plenty of room for progress.

yesterday | tomorrow

I'm pissed off

I got an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend today. It was a blanket e-mail he sent out to all his so called friends with contact information because he is going to be moving soon. He included his current girlfriend's name, cell phone, and pager number in there as well. So this is my beef. Joe and I dated for about two and a half years. He never once called me his girlfriend. Yet this chick after dating him for a little over a year, Joe writes an e-mail to everyone calling her his girlfriend. And when I say everyone I do mean everyone. He sent that e-mail out to 37 people including me.


I have to ask, why am I angry? Maybe it's because we were together for so long. We did go through a whole lot together. I would just like to think that I meant something to him, that I wasn't just a "friend" that he had sex with. All that time he said I was his "friend". Well, friends don't have sex with each other, friends don't kiss and sleep in the same bed. Friends don't get friends pregnant. Yet Joe and I did all these things, so I figured we were more than friends. But alas, there must be something much more special about this girl that there wasn't about me. Because she gets the envied title of girlfriend. So here's another good question. Last July, Joe had been with Cheryl for a few months. I came out to Rochester and visited, and to make a long story short, Joe and I made up for some lost time. If he was so ready to mess around on his "girlfriend" what was he doing when he was with me, his "friend"? I guess I can sum this situation up with only two words:

Fucked up.

Every time I think I have moved on, something like this happens. Hell last summer I found out that my high school sweetheart was engaged and I totally flew off the handle. And after two years of being called a friend, what do I expect?
I heard through the grapevine the last time I was in Rochester that Joe was mad at me for not calling him to let him know that I was in town. Well, I've got three words for you Joe:

Kiss my ass.

I could bitch for hours/pages about my boss.
  • On my arrival, one production line is out of spec for green color match; I recommend adding blue, he says no, add yellow. It turns out that blue is what we need after all, but by this point the pigment batch is too saturated. We lose three hours on that line, fixing the hue and saturation imbalances.
  • Yesterday I was offered the company newsletter editorship, which I was pretty pleased about. Everyone whose opinion mattered felt I was the best choice for the task, but today pointy-haired-control-freak-man decides that this is a point on which my desires, and the newsletter quality, can be sacrificed to further his corporate political ends. (It is ironic that I work in quality control.)
  • After calmly registering my disapproval and begrudging acceptance, I return to the lab to try to get some work done. Napoleon-boy calls me in to his office 3 more times through the day, to explain the political details to me as they unfold. His political opponents bend my ear periodically, too. I lose at least another hour of productivity. Nobody asks what I want or think (since I made my thoughts clear already, yesterday), they just need to apologize and defend themselves to the person with the least power in the situation.

    Lunch: salami on a pumpernickel bagel, and a Hostess lemon pie. I lose interest and time before I get to the pie, but like a dumbass I leave it sitting on my desk. I don't expect it to be there when I get back tomorrow morning. The secret notary in the accounting department transfers my funds in the defunct pension plan to my 401(k) account. 8.5 months after changing addresses, I get around to telling my bank about it.

    The anniversary of the moon walk.
  • Today went past me quickly.

    The fitness evaluation went well, and I now have a personal trainer that I am going to see once a week. I’m excited. It’s a good time to make changes in my life. He is guaranteeing visible results in 6 weeks as long as I do what he says. I will try.

    I sent some postcards out this morning to people on the Everything Mailing Address Registry. I can’t remember right now who I sent them to, and besides... if I mention it here, it will ruin the surprise. More randomness will be sent to the registry as time goes on. I have a big box of junk from Archie McPhee I need to get rid of. Perhaps its time to start mailing things out. I made some collages last night on postcards that I sent out. I also have normal cards I should send too. I feel the urge to simplify in some ways, and getting rid of some of my extra paper bulk that lurks in boxes in my closets is a Good Thing.

    I like Saige. She gave me a big compliment today in a /msg and mentioned in her home node that she likes my writing. I am so flattered. It totally made my day. I’ve found that E2 is what is keeping me from going nuts while I sit here at work day after day waiting for something to happen. Compliments like this just tickle me pink and make me grin for the rest of the day.

    I do not know what I am going to do tonight. I am in the mood to shop, and that is bad. I can not afford to shop at the moment. I must concentrate hard on not shopping and avoid stopping at Barnes and Noble on my way home from work. I already have a ton of books to read at home in a pile – the “To Read” pile, and I do not need more. I have summer books in the pile. Lots of trashy 70’s novels that I found at Goodwill, a couple of sci-fi books, and a history book.

    I should work on the new website tonight. My domain registration is sure to be finished by the weekend (I hope) and I want to work on it. I don’t want to build links into my HTML to a domain name that isn’t there yet. I need to make some image maps to see if I can do it.

    I must work hard to avoid going to CompUSA and buying any new games. I want to get Icewind Dale and Diablo 2, but I must resist until I finish Baldur’s Gate like I should have done months ago. I also need to finish The Sims. I already finished Dungeon Keeper 2, but I have new maps to play with. I need to start Planescape Torment again too.

    So, I do not know what I will do when I go home. Maybe I will log in and create some nodes? :)

    Nodes That I Wrote Today That Sing Songs of Yesterday:
    fill in the details for me
    I was supposed to be somebody by the age of 23

    CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
    MuslimgauzeJaal Ab Dullah
    Alanis Morrisette – Jagged Little Pill
    No Means No – 0+2=1
    Thurston Moore – Psychic Hearts

    Stays crunchy, even in milk!

    02:07 BST tomorrow

    Hmm. Today was generally really sucky, but with some redeeming features. The overall impression was of a large degree of suckiness.

    The Good Bit

    Well, on an optimistic note, the good things. I managed to book a driving test on a date I can manage, hopefully, to be a good enough driver by. I managed to get a typhoid inoculation today, and found out that I don't need to get a Hepatitis A injection, as the one I've already had - when I went to Vietnam - is still valid for my India trip.

    Also, I met a few people at two different times who I hadn't seen for a while. Which was nice.

    The Sucky Bit

    After quite a nice, relaxing, lie in bed this morning (1), I suddenly realised that I'd got a doctors appointment (well, a nurses appointment actually) for that typhoid. In half an hour. Which was only barely enough time to get up, shower, wash and dry my long hair, rush down to the pharmacy, and pick up my prescribed typhoid stuff, and rush up to the doctor's surgery to get it administered. I made it with about 0 seconds on the clock; I only waited for around a minute in the waiting room.

    A while after that, and some only partially successful organisation later, time to go to work. So I set off on my bicycle to the petrol station. And promptly the chain came off, and jammed so hard I couldn't un-jam it with my hands, or the meager tools I had with me. Only, not so promptly that I could just go back to the house and pick up something to fix it with. Oh no.

    Anyway, so I phoned my work, saying "I'll be late!", and then my mum to ask her to give me a lift back home. To add insult to injury, by the time she arrived, I'd fixed the bike, although my hands were black with grease. But I was still late for work, so I cycled home, dropped off the bike, and she gave me a lift to work. To top it all off, that's the second time that bike has stopped me getting to work promptly and on time. I'm going to try and get somebody to fix it properly tomorrow.

    And at work... Work was shit. Sorry, but there's no other word for it. I felt weak and tired for some reason (I'd had plenty sleep, BTW), possibly due to the typhoid injection, but I think that only caused the sore arm. I seriously didn't feel like being there, or in fact doing anything other than possibly lying flat out on the floor, optionally preceded by shooting a customer or three several times in the head. Disclaimer: I'm not a gun nut, or much of a psychopath, but sometimes customers can be really annoying. And I can feel... a little violent. Especially when feeling so badly, on a swelteringly hot sunny day, stuck in a little oven-like room with one huge glass window. I settled for dropping my pleases and thankyous all over the place. If the customer wasn't a nice person, or rubbed me up the wrong way, then I was slightly gruff.

    Generally, though. Today I seriously felt like life was rather pointless, and very sucky, and that I hated everybody and everything. But not Everything: writing this here on e2 has made me feel a lot better, although it has exposed to me some depressing thoughts, I think. I like this place.

    (1) Although I was woken around 06:00 by my PC being still on, whirring - I need to get a cupboard-based computer if I want it to play music for me to go to sleep to, like a long-running compilation of mp3's, because I just cannot stay asleep all night with a PC on.

    A day off work. Aaah.

    My original plans for today included washing my Pinto (I still love that car, damnit!) and getting proftpd running. The car's clean now, but proftpd don't wanna run. And I can't find a plaintext log that tells me why. Now to try to delete it, besides the fact that it doesn't seem to do a good job of keeping all it's stuff in one place...

    Still looking for networking info. Would appreciate any help.

    The three-CD Slackware set (Install, Contrib, Source) is burnt, and a boot disk is made. Since I've dug myself into a nice rut with Red Hat on this box, I'll try Slack on a different box... if I ever get hold of one.

    I also have a nice, fresh, yummy box of 3-1/2" floppies ready to go. You always need 3-1/2" floppies.

    Went to work, enrolled at the community college, hung out at the library. Nothing that exciting.

    I realized today - not really today because I've been thinking about it for months, but I decided to write it today - that I need some sort of connection. To some person or some place. That despite my long time exclamations that I could be alone and needed nobody but myself was wrong. That I'm human just like everybody else and it's natural for us to need other people. To feel connected to things, a part of something or someone.

    It's silly, really. We all desire to find that special someone in our lives, someone to love and cherish and all that cheesy stuff, but it clashes with the fact that nothing lasts forever, things get sour and love fades away. Misery loves company but familiarity breeds contempt. Why is it we desire that which we can never attain?
    I don't know what's going on with, well, everything, but then, I rarely do. I'd say I want it all to make sense, but it's probably not true and I'm tired of the seemingly harmless little lies that I tell myself.

    Today, I realized..

    That I've successfully estbalished no real direction in my life, and am left knowing nothing aside from the fact that I like to write. Will this lead anywhere? Possibly. It's also possible that the moon will one day turn to dreamy moonbeam juice and fall into cleverly placed champagne glasses next to an infinite sea of raw, liquid emotion. The latter might be less likely.

    A mere single day separates me and being nineteen. Chilling. I've to get to sleep shortly, because a friend who can't make it to the "party" (if you can call a gathering of two or three people a party), is coming to visit in the afternoon. I'm listening to "Mudmen" off of 'Obscured by Clouds', at herbman's suggestion. Dreamy stuff. It seems to be making me sleepier, though.

    I did a lot of walking today, and an insane amount of thinking, pondering, wondering, loving living smiling drowning in odd sorrow. I am still alive. I can do this. (This life thing, that is.)

    It was brought to my attention today that I made it on the "If you could share a hammock with a fellow noder, who would it be?" node. Infinitely dreamy. That made me smile muchly, a simple little thing perhaps but.. still. Rather than adding a write-up to that node, I'll just slip it in here.. I'd love to share a hammock with the following, brief reasoning provided:

    herbman (so many reasons), humanure (for being a neat little human), pukesick (for the aching text, you know?), hamstergirl (for being), MasterYoshi (cause he's smoooooooth, right little yoshi?), hodgepodge (see: ode to a podge'y). I guess I'll stop there for no reason aside from the fact that I'm getting very tired, and I've some other things to say yet. I wouldn't use the hammock in the traditional way, either, I just like to sit on them and swing. (Not sure if I'm creating the proper mental image there.. but it's very very fun.)

    I guess this night should mean things are.. changing? Are going to change? Have changed, might do so? Perhaps. I'd prefer to think that this day, this night just is. I don't plan on finding any meaning in it aside from the obvious.. though nothing appears to be obvious at present.

    I did something today that I'd put off, pretending it wasn't necessary, that it might just sit and be without causing harm. I deleted all of the e-mail my ex sent me, some from as long ago as '98. I guess that's not tremendously long, but things were so different then. Everything was different then. I'm glad it isn't the same, but I miss having everything planned out sometimes. Then again, I guess I never really knew what the hell I was doing at any given point in my life. I think that the only reason I feel that I did now is because I want it to be so, I want to know that even for a brief moment I had some sort of future in mind. It isn't true, though, I've always questioned, wondered, even when things seemed set in stone.. diamonds, to be exact. I had my one last look at you, through your words.. and now it is all over.

    The walks I went on today were fairly nice.. I brought along one of the little brown bunny's on the second walk, but on the first i simply picked a daisy and sat with it next to a bunch of wild snap dragons. I completed the notorious 'he loves me, he loves me not' thing, and then carried on my way.

    I am too tired to be living. I probably have more to say but I'm beyond tired at this juncture.

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