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Time: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 00:20:14 GMT
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JeffMagnus node of the day: what will occur the day after Windows NT becomes open source

So, what's the deal? It's not the 4th yet, but I feel compelled to put this here anyways.

I know this sort of topic isn't highly regarded as a good thing on Everything, but hey, I don’t complain much. Anyways, here's the situation:

(oh yeah, it's about relationships)

Ok, I've been single for over a year, haven't dated much, don't really want to either. The last few weeks I've been thinking about this a lot. I suspect it's because of the cold, and knowing that school will be out soon.
So recently I've met some girls, and gotten in touch with some I used to know. It goes like this: There's Jackie, she's 18, I'm 21, I'm absolutely infatuated with her.... not only is she cute, but she's also very smart and mature for her age, and lots of fun to be with...but she has a boyfriend. I've met him, I honestly don’t see what she could see in him and I suspect it's not very close.
Then there's Jessica, my first love, HS sweetheart. We broke up when I moved to go to school, it was hard on both of us and we had a pretty major falling out. Just recently we made up and we're being friends again. She knows I still love her and I'd love to be with her, but we're both in school in different states, and I'm not sure how she feels as she's reluctant to tell me much.
Then there's this other Jessica, she works at subway and she's very attractive (to me, I've been told I have odd taste in what I call attractive) I don’t know ANYTHING about her except she drives a Tiburon and works at subway)
So, here's what I cant decide: What do I do? See, I have a feeling I could probably be with Jackie, which would be nice in some ways, mainly instant gratification. But it would be hard on me in other ways, mainly the fact that I really don’t feel right poaching another guy's girl. That and I don’t know how Jessica (1) would handle it, which you'll have to see below for more info about
Like, right here. Jessica(1) is the girl I was with in high school, basically my first everything you can imagine... kiss, love, sex, breakup (and on and on...). I always felt we broke up out of circumstance, as a long distance relationship between New Mexico and Hawaii just wasn't going to work. I didn't know how bad I hurt her till recently. In the last two months we've been talking a LOT, getting to be friends again. I've told her how I feel. I'm still in love with her, or who she was then. I'd do a lot to be with her again, but I don’t think I could leave school and move. The idea of another long distance relationship scares me to death. The other things too is that if I end up with someone else, will I blow my chance at happiness in the future with Jessica?

Which makes me mention this OTHER Jessica (actually there's yet another Jessica, but we wont get into her).
This girl is just really cute, and she's always nice, and stuff. The reason I mention her is because I've had thoughts for a long time of just going into where she works (subway) and asking her out. I don’t think that would be very tactful though, and she's probably say no based on the fact that she knows nothing about me. *sigh* it's all good though.

So.... I'm stuck with this big looming "what if" over my head. Any suggestions? Sorry to waste the space on the dayogs, but then, this will be dust tomorrow, figured I shouldn’t waste a node on it.

My managers are mocking me.

A little bit of backstory:

For the last few weeks, I've only had 4pm to 8pm weekend shifts, which, although they don't sound that bad, remove any chance of running around with my friends while barely giving me any money, not to mention that I don't get a break on anything less than five hours. So I talked to the manager about it. I tell her that I want longer and earlier hours, she tells me that there was a mixup with my listed availibility, and all seems fine.

Today, I go into work, look at the hours, and lo and behold, every shift is longer - they're all 4 to 8:30.

GreySoul - We're on GMT here on E2, a few hours ahead of the states.
it is peculiar the way that you exist, so still.. i had not expected to feel too intensely. i had not longed for anything or nothing at all i can still taste it all, life and i had not thought it would be so sweet calm breath drawn from sleepless day (night). i have allowed you to slide around inside of my head, and you've touched little pieces of my thought that most never will and why should i let them?

they said, it is cold, so cold and i should not bother to slip into such cold for something so unsure. am i looking for these connections, these insanely frequent metaphorical life happenings? i did not listen and, it was cold and i was alone but i made it and everything is warmer when your head is hopeful. did you forget something? i don't remember smiling at crumbling lives, but i think i would like to know people who find decay intensely beautiful.

i had not forgotten you are so sweet.. she sent me an e-mail, and i would say it was out of no where but i'd been thinking of her and so it was half expected. or maybe i just needed that..

there are so many people who seem to care about me so much.. sometimes i can't imagine exactly why or i wonder if it will last why did it even begin?. i have never in my entire life felt so loved. i have never felt like i had purpose, if only because so many people found something in me that they could hold onto.. even for a while. even for an instant.

today i walked with my head up and i looked straight into the day. i was not afraid of random eyes, and i did not care who could see that i did not sleep enough or too much. all of these things, these tiny things.. i have been trying to drop them for so long and you.. i don't think you've even the slightest idea how much your existence means to me. if my entire world falls in around me and if i can't get out of here.. and if the sky spills, if there are no stars.. there will still be you. you ween.

i just wish i knew which way to go.
and how fast or how far and when, when..

Hmmmm what's that pain in my eye.....Why does it hurt to blink?.... Ah well I'm sure its nothing....


Get dressed....

Look in Mirror...EEGAD!! what's that terrible inflamation on my eyelid....

Look in Encyclopedia....E....Eye....Diseases of the eye...Sty: "An Inflamation of one of the pores from which the eyelashes grow. Can be treated with antibacterial cream and warm towl...."

Up the stairs and round the corner, antibacterial cream in hand....Time to die mister Sty!!!

Off to school for another day...

The return of insomnia.

Nobody but myself to blame -- Ben and Jerry's Coffee with Heath Bar Crunch ice cream at 10PM. Now it's 3AM Monday, and here I am, knowing full well I'm going to be a total wreck in the morning.

The bills are piling up. I can't pay them. They scare me. They make my stomach churn, but at some point I have to deal with them. I'm thinking of calling one of those non profit debt consolidation services, like 99bills.com.

I missed the 2nd exam in Social Psych just before Thanksgiving, and when I asked the professor when I could make it up, he said "2nd exam? You mean the 3rd exam?"

Uh oh.
gah! this was a pretty busy week. This shalt be my, umm what's the word....ah!, my account of the past week. lets see.
in no particular order
  1. Wett bar.
  2. 1 year at work anniversary.
  3. Ass Kicking.
  4. LaTeX
  5. Foosball
  6. Misc, etc

Wett bar

Me and my buds went to this (i don't know what the right name for this place club? dance-club? ..) place called Wett Bar, downtown. We arrived around 9pm. The neon sign was gone, and weren't sure that we were at the right place. However some of the posters reassured us we weren't mistaken. The bouncer actually looked at our IDs. That made me sorta wonder. We had one dude with uswho just had his birthday a week ago. The bouncer made a comment, something like "barely made it in". Whatever. Since it was our first time (at least my first time) in this sort of establishment we were sort of uncomfortable at first. The inside of the place had the following layout: two bars on the opposite sides of the room, a raised plaform across the entrance, and the dance floor with the place for the DJs. Anyhow, we entered and started looking around. There were not too many people around (since it was sort of early) and then most of them were girls. We grabbed a table and sat down, had a few beers etc. I couldn't drink, since i was the designated driver. Little by little the whole thing started filling up. My friends went dancing. I'm not really a dancing type, but i joined them couple of times. The whole "dancing" thing seemed a bit futile - dancing by myself, or with my guy friends. What the fuck? So the rest of the time i spent gawking at girls. Couple of my friends tried to talk to the girls, but failed miserably. A big playa "friend" of ours joined us later, and he also failed. Over all the night was pretty boring. There were a lot of cute girls there; but i guess i'm not the clubbing type. The highlight of the night were to chinese girls so greatly drunk that they ran into me. I liked that. The lowest part of the day was my parking ticket. Oh well. I owe i think about 200 bucks in tickets. Let's see: about 100 bucks to SFU. About 50 bucks to UBC, about 50 bucks to the City of Victoria and now 50 bucks to Impark. Blow me.

1 year @ work

Couple of days ago I realized that i've been working at the same place for a year now. It's been pretty good, few ups, few downs. Learned a great deal. Learned perl - im fairly fluent in it. Learned more about linux. Getting into LaTex. Learning C++. Learned a lot of shit. Learned about people. Learned about older people. This year @ work has been pretty good to me...except possibly the fact, that it made me fail out of SFU. Oh well. Lose some gain some.

Ass kicking..

Jesus. This hasn't happened for years. It takes so much to piss me off, to REALLY piss me off. And none other then my friends did it. It was a sad and pitiful show. I set myself up for a lame joke. They laughed. I laughed with them. They laughed some more. I still laughed with them. Then it grew from a harmless (but lame) joke into something that was making me mad. I asked them to stop numerous times but they didn't. I got sort of violent. Bleh. I pushed the table, and the guy behind the table into the wall. All three of them got up and left. Shrug. I am not saying sorry. Whatever. What kinda friends are you, huh? Whatever. They are all pissed off at me now, I think. Their delicate nature couldn't handle my violent handling heh. They expected me handle their verbal abuse. What's the matter? If you can attack me with words, and I can't do the same, I'll use whatever means. I think I made it perfectly clear. But whatever. Please, please - dont joke like THAT. I had people laugh at me and my english when i was back in churchill. And Israel. Sigh. I'm getting too touchy really... I'm still mad.


No, no..i'm not talking about the rubber stuff. i'm talking about the type-setting system. (though i do find latex oh-so-kinky... :) I need to type up a cheatsheet for my math stuff. And latex looks pretty cool. I read through some tutorials, printer out some samples. I gotta admit. It looks cool. Write your stuff in plain ascii, compile into dvi and there you go. I think i'll use latex from now on for all my word processing purposes. cool.


Such a simple concent, and yet such a cool game :) We have a game room at work. A few weeks ago they installed an foosball table there. Any time during the day you can find people there, and i was sort of wondering what the heck was wrong with them. Few days ago i tried - and, damn that game is addictive. It fast, simple and takes you away from the sometimes dragging boredom that is work. Right now i'm majorly getting raped by everyone else. It's sad. But i figured some shit and hopefully will get better with practice.


My left ear is ringing. Either im going deaf or i left the cotton part of the q-tip there. Again. Goddamn. Heh, going to the gym rocks. I'm not depressed, and i feel healthier. I think i need to get drunk. Also i need to wrap up this node and go take a shower. Heh.

You're not alone, dmd.

I got around 1-2 hours of sleep last night. This type of thing isn't very common, but it sucks every single time it occurs.
Everything is weird when you haven't slept. It feels like there is a plastic membrane separating all your senses from the world, making all things seem distant and alien. It kind of reminds me of the time I tried acid, except that this is not enjoyable.
What about working in this state? The PHP looks like hebrew written with kanji to me. (and before you /msg me - that was the point!) I'm even having a hard time trying to type up a coherent day log entry.
Some veteran insomniacs out there might think I'm whining about nothing. "Only one hour on one night? Bah! I've gone three nights without sleeping at all!" But unlike many others (including my father), I just happen to be someone who simply can't function properly without at least 7 hours of downtime.
*sigh*.. Oh well, at least my job doesn't involve anything physical.

Hmm. I wonder why I haven't heard from my friends in the Far East in a while. The cable connecting Asia to the rest of us is fixed now, right?
Maybe they just forgot about me. I wouldn't blame them..

Btw, today is Jope's first day in this slave labor camp.. er.. I mean, fantastic corporation.

While my father was driving us back from Melaka to Kluang on Sunday night, I noticed that the stars were very visible in the night sky away from the towns in Malaysia as we passed through the countryside down the North-South highway.

Using my backlit Palm Vx with the shareware version of Planetarium, I managed to figure out that the two brilliant dots of light on the left were the planets Jupiter and Saturn. The star Aldebaran (part of the constellation of Taurus) was close by.

To the right of these bright gems in the night sky, was the famous constellation of Orion (the Hunter). I remembered the names of the major stars in it from my astronomy exercise the preceding Sunday in Watson's bay in Sydney. There was Rigel, Saiph, Betelgeuse, Bellatrix and, forming Orion's belt, Mintaka, Alnilam and Alnitak.

Astronomy is fun. Great to amaze your family/friends or impress your significant others by pointing out stars and constellations to them. :-)


Oh, nice to see I'm not the only one who has sleep problems... =)

I woke up slightly late again (an hour ago), and ate some chicken soup. (I'm becoming a bigger and bigger fox fan, it seems.)

Time to face the challenges of the day...


Done Usenet. E-mail: nothing but spam and mailing list stuff. E-mailed some folks to get permissions to node their Great Documents...


Thought that I haven't used ICQ for quite a long time - so I got EveryBuddy. It seems cool - I think I might even get an AIM account and set up that Yahoo! messenger thing someday... =)


...so, hmm, now I'm downloading 2.4.0 kernel finally. Need DRI and newer bttv driver, so this is at least remotely justified... I also switched from wmitime to asclock again.


And 2.4.0-test5 boots!!! =)

AND we got to the Inttternet. So far, however, neither DRI or bttv seem to work - and I don't have sounds either!

Setting channel in xawtv just gives tuner: tuner type not set and such...

OK, more recompilations and stuff ahead. I think I'll get the most recent kernel too, instead of test5.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: surrogate key

i found my glasses, so i'm wearing them. i lose them, then find them, then wear them, then lose them. i don't really need them, my eyesight is good enough that not wearing them doesn't effect how i drive or anything.

i finally put a picture of cozmo up on my webpage. it can be seen at http://www.slack.net/~ophie/cozmo/. he's really quite a bit funnier looking in person. his fur is so shag-carpet-esque that he looks fake, like a muppet. the way he runs and plays only adds to the effect. he looks like a tiny person on crack in a dog costume. he's still young, but he's as big as he is going to get. at the most i'd say he's in the low 20 lb range. he's mostly fur. he is a mutt, but if i had to guess i'd say he's mostly tibetan terrier. he rules. and look at his two-tone nose! hee hee.

still struggling with christmas shopping for step-mom, brother in-law, and boyfriend. oi. oi oi oi.

over the weekend i worked on more experiments in lifecasting. none turned out as i had hoped, but i think i have found a use for one of the plaster bandage face-molds i made. i completed a clay mold, dried it and am in the process of lining it with latex to make a flexible and reusable mold. it is in the shape of a sun/flower. i don't know if this will be what i wind up giving to grandma as a gift or not, we'll see. either way, i'll probably take pictures of it when it is done to share with everyone.
for now, i should do some work. later...

Choir concert last night. O my god, what a high singing is. The Britten went fabulously. The zither carol was beautiful. I just woke up spitting up blood and I don't know why.

Since I don't usually do any noding on the weekends, I'm going to include my weekends on the Monday logs.

The past weekend was fantastic indeed! Starting on Friday, going to the company party wasn't too bad. It could be better. The dinner was a buffet, and it wasn't anything spectacular. It was free, so I didn't feel too bad for eating free food. My Love and I started by having a couple of Bloody Ceasars loosen up our social anxiety. I haven't been to any functions like this, and she knows about these parties all too well. She doesn't like them. We schmooze a bit, talking to some unawkward people. Everyone else was awkward. My Love and I notice some people leering at us. Or actually, more at her because she's wearing pink sequence, low-cut and shiny like a disco ball and a shiny black skirt with high heels. She's almost 6 feet tall with those shoes.

We pretty much stayed amongst ourselves, with the exception of talking to one of the Lead Architects in our company. He was chinese, and we spoke of travelling and comparing the Japanese, Chinese, and English languages, sprinkling in some of our own experiences as well as experiences from others we know. My Love was comfortable talking with him and his sister. Afterwards, I generalized that she is so Whasian because she better relates to Asians. We laugh.

Staying at the Royal York was a delightful experience. The love-mak...I mean, the room was ornate with floral motifs. The view was somewhat pleasant with the exception of being able to look through the windows of the adjacent office buildings. But overall, the room was cozy, as was the sex.

8:00am EST
As I open my eyes with mighty force, I really don't feel like going to work today. The weekend was too good. I watched the movie Unbreakable. Very good! I recommend it. Seeing my Love leave for the train was very sad for me. She has to go back to do some more of her school work. That sucks. And yesterday, I took her to York University for her Japanese test. I hope she gets accepted into the JET program.

8:30am EST
I decide to spike my hair like on Friday, and to wear my cool new green-lensed sunglasses. I'm retrofreak! I put on my love-scarf she and I bought together at a Queen Street store. I head towards my car and realize "I am pretty cool" in the most superficial sense. I dress well, and drive even better. I feel pompous.

10:13am EST
As I write this, I recall driving yesterday from 4:30pm to 5:55pm last evening from the movie theatre at Highway 7 and Hwy 400 to my place. It was a very good drive going beyond speed. I then had to take my Love to the nearest Subway sandwich store and then to Union Station. I almost thought we couldn't make it, but my driving skills saved the day. I call it driving like Batman. She calls it driving like a maniac.

5:15pm EST
I can't believe it! I come out of my building, and I find a great big dent on the right side of my car! Bastard! I can't believe this happened to me! Some idiot just left a big mark on my car with no apology! What a dumbass driver! I can just scream bloody murder! Only one month old, and this happens! I look around. No witnesses. No one but me cares about the dent in my car! What an awful end to a stupid day!

I know this is all worldy-insignificant, but this is costing me peace of mind, distress, and about $500 to $600!

What a weekend.

Looks like I have almost got enough for the laptop I've been saving for. Not "A" laptop ok, "THE" laptop. A PIII 950mhz, 256RAM, 14.1" DVD, screen, a GeForce 2 card, built in NIC, Windows 2000 Pro, and a 20 something Gig harddrive.

Some odd computer work this weekend got me to the get ready point. Sounds like I will be portable soon, I look forward to this. I just hope I will be able to do what I have planned for it... (take over the world).

Had fun with friends this week, hung out with anm and his wife for the first time in a while.

The coolest thing bar none about this weekend though is my house. I for the first time in my life have house lights (for christmas) and decorations. When I live with my folks it was too dangerous to put lights on their MASSIVE house. We couldn't even hire someone to do it. Anyway, this is very exciting for me, My house is circled in small blue lights. It's quite nice, and definately stands out in the neighborhood.

We just got a stern-looking FINAL NOTICE from Network Solutions telling us that our account was "overdue" and that we shouldn't lose our domain name.

Fair enough -- only we switched to a better registrar, GANDI.net, back in September. Because this process involves notifying the former registrar (NSI) of our intentions, they had opportunity to take note of the fact that they had lost us as a customer.

I call foul. They're billing us for a service they ought to know damn well we're no longer paying them for. Who knows if it's fraud, but it's not nice.

I wonder how many people in Accounts Receivable have fallen for these invoices... at $35 a pop, it'll add up.

On Getting Screwed

Last Friday, I was extremely excited when I found plane tickets to go back home for Christmas for only $208. Everywhere else I looked was well over $350 or more for the dates I chose. I specifically chose Christmas Eve - December 30th, because no one likes to fly on Christmas Eve, so that helps to lower prices. Believe me, I checked some earlier dates, and those tickets were in the $700+ range. I was bubbling over with happiness because it would be the first time I have been able to go home for Christmas now in 3 years. I also haven't seen real snow in a long time. (Other than the snow that you see if you go up in the mountains, which doesn't count. I want to see the sort of snow that piles up on the ground, drifts around, and makes driving generally miserable.) I think the last time I saw real snow was when I was in Switzerland in February of '99. At any rate, the stipulation to getting the really cheap fare, on this particular site I was looking at, was that you be willing to accept the fact that the tickets are non-transferrable and non-refundable irregardless of situation. Also, you don't know the exact airline or schedule until after you buy the ticket. They were so much cheaper, that I decided I could live with this. I'm not a teribally picky person (just look at some of my previous boyfriends* I looked everything over, and purchased the tickets. The times weren't really bad at all. I had been expecting to be stuck with some red-eye flight in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, and the times were not late at all. I requested the time I needed off from work and wrote my Mom to tell her the good news. I was extremely happy, and went out drinking with Brian that night and didn't think much about it afterward.

Saturday night, I pulled out the confirmation letter to look it over again. I looked the letter over again and again and again. My face turned a nasty shade of pale purple. I realized that in my excitement, I had somehow not noticed that I booked the tickets backwards. I had a set of perfectly good tickets departing from Chicago and arriving in San Francisco, then returning later. The main problem with this is that I do not live in Chicago. Chicago is where I was supposed to be going. Talk about a blonde moment. I thought I was going to cry, but at least there was beer handy.

I just spent all of this morning on the phone with customer service and my bank trying to figure out a way to salvage the ticket/stop payment. Neither option worked out, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even sell it to another friend, who wouldn't have minded coming out to San Francisco for Christmas, because they were non-transferrable. I desperately wanted to go home, however, so I just sucked it up and bought another ticket (going the right direction this time.) I am now poor, but happily re-assured that I will at least be home for Christmas, and it won't even have to be "in my dreams".

* Wait, that was mean. They have all been wonderful (if any of them might be reading this.)

I've got a ticket to the Dave Matthew's Band concert tonight!!! I haven't seen them for a year, and I'm sooo pumped!

Also, today redboot and I staged a military coup against the EDB. We were doing well, until Red decided to turn his machine-gun turret at thefez, who had become (or had been) EDB's servant. After EDB ate us both (!), we plotted our return as some other noders took up our battle. Sadly, redboot never returned. Since I had "learned my lesson", Gamaliel and I took the tank out for a spin, and he "accidentally" put the tank through the front window of the 7-11 we went to. After that the party pretty much ran out of steam.

On another note, today, we denziens of the Chicago area began planning our retort to the DEUM, starting with some of us attending Sarcasmo's party. I think Saige expressed interest. This could be fun (sorry, Sarcasmo said it would be fun).

That's all for today. Hisenna!

I work at a dot com. Until today we have been spared the bloodbath of firings due to the shitty market. But today it was time to pay the piper. They fired about 65 people out of 180 or so in my business group.
I was spared mostly because I bothered to learn all the boring crap that no one else wanted to. I also manage the production group. I lost about 8 people that I have spent the better part of every day with for about two and a half years. I spent most of the day hugging people that I have gotten drunk with countless times, people that I talked to about family and relationships.
I went around giving hard looks to the poor security guard they hired to make sure no one went bonkers. I gave kids the old "plenty fish in the sea" speech with a big lump in my throat.
Yeah yeah, thats business, you can't get too attached and so on. But dammit it sucks, and all the upper management was wandering around talking about how lean and mean we were going to be. One bastard VP actually made an Austin Powers joke in our "ok it's over meeting". The cowardly little fucker long ago sold his soul for a Palm V but still and all it was a sickening sight to see.
So I'm pouring a little beer on the ground for my fallen comrades. As I told my axed cubicle neighbor (I'll miss you, you crazy Russian motherfucker)
Well baby, I guess I'm slacking for two now

Two lessons here friends:

Don't manage people just cause you like people, at some point they will get axed and YOU WILL INTERNALIZE IT.

And don't identify yourself with your job, people use the shield of the corporate body to do things that they would never do as an individual.

Signing off, counting the days till I can take off and afford grad school (11 months and counting) and missing my friends.
yrs truly,
D. Wino

Very tired today. I didn't get much done, if anything. We went to Hops for lunch and got the $5 burger special. TC was tired also, we're thinking that maybe the flu shots are catching up with us (must... shop... for presents). She and JS went home early, but I stuck around until about 7:40pm.

I went to the gym for about 35 mins and burned 350 calories. Didn't have much trouble today, but I'm tired so I didn't do any weight training stuff.

Hungry. More to come after dinner...

9:29 PM

I got up at 5:30 this morning to try to see the space station fly over. It was quite cold out, but it was also cloudy and I saw nothing. Bah. Maybe that's why I was so tired today, interrupting my sleep like that to go out in the cold.

1:11 AM

I remotely fixed our web server at work, which needed restarting. I hate java. And I'm not even the one who writes the java code. How do I get stuck with this? Because I care. Damn my conscience.

I spent a bunch of time on IRC tonight. Talked to some of my friends/co-workers there. I'm currently logged into three channels on three IRC networks. Good thing I have a second computer, because flipping all those screens on one monitor would be a chore.

Well, the sprinklers have started and it's time for sleep. Not a very eventful day, but it wasn't too bad.

7:30 am - Well, today was a milestone in my life. Today, for the first time ever, I touched a mac! It was odd at first. They were so smooth and colorful, not like my computer. It was a G3 iMac of some sort. I had heard of these from friends and the local telegraph. I had even seen them before, but never actually touched one, never actually bathed in it's soft glow or felt it's smooth plastic comfort my skin. But I left smudgy fingerprints on it by accident because I had just eaten some chicken. It's refresh rate was magnificent (though it's software was mostly clunky) and it crashed atleast thrice. This was all at a friend's house.

11:00 - Man we really trashed my friend's place. It was covered in pizza boxes and pizza and beer cans (although I never touched the stuff in my life) and cat feces. The cat feces was from this cat we brought in the house, even though my friend (Maximus) explicitly told me us not to. We gave the cat to a shelter later and it smelled like cat feces and beer and pizza (because it was rolling in some). They cleaned it up nice and I hope some little kid picks it up so it can live happily].

2:30 pm - I was watchin' the sci-fi channel when my chair broke. It was an old chair I had, a rocking one. It was an ugly shade of dark green, it offered no comfort to it's users, and it was covered in crap but it was my chair, and I loved it. I had been very sad after that, but then I thought about the iMac and took a pee and it made me feel better.
I'm getting worn out. I just went for drinks with D and his friends. We finally made up and decided to not apologize, worry or try to work it out. Our friendship took a huge blow, and it is so much easier not to face the major issues right now. I know not everyone will understand this.

Drinking was fun, but there was this new guy there who ruined all of the insightful conversations the three of us usually have. D also let it slip that he thought it was fun when I loudly sing christmas carols while he is driving. It seems like everything is going to be okay.

Had a great weekend with Ben. Things are great between us right now. The Japanese test was a hell of a lot harder than I anticipated. It started at 9:45 and ended at 1:30. There was a listening part where we all heard to a tape and answered questions. To test the tape they had a female Japanese voice repeating at least 10 times in that manic, hyper-clear way that can only happen when learning a language:

"It is a nice day, let's go for a walk"

Right then, it felt like everyone wanted to screw the test and go for a walk. In front of me, there was a nine-year-old Japanese boy who finished the grammar part effortlessly but was scratching his head a lot in the reading. I was just the opposite. I just realized now that my Japanese grammar sucks.

I did a presentation today. Relaying information to people like that is exhilerating. I felt so sick and could not eat all day, but when I spoke, it flowed.

I am going to sleep now. I haven't slept a full night in a long, long time.

Hmmm. So I'm okay now. The manic part of me has subsided and I fell pretty certain of where I'm going and how I'll manage it. And you dug your own grave by telling me what you expected. Ha! You will not be given advanced notice on when I decide to settle in with you. I never said settle down, did I? Just expect visits for a while. And if you're not there when I come up, that's fine. I can certainly take care of myself. As well as you think you know me, it's funny that you see me as predictable and possibly reliant on you.

But I've just calmed the fuck down, and come to realize this is my time to enjoy myself. Hey, when the cat lives five states away, the mouse will play.

On a general note, making mad art. Really do have a series started and have discovered the cheap joys of guache.

I think I've made the first real friend who's a girl down here in the Clearwater area. Yeah, had a problem with a few girls I really just wanted to be friends with, who came onto me. Which shocked me, because I'm really not used to that kind of attention. I'm very much used to being one of the girls next door. I'm not used to being hit on at all, by guys or girls, so it's weird. But this chickie's birthday is Friday and she asked me to her party. I'm psyched.

Spent some time with the ex again tonight. Talk about a hypochondriac, I can hardly stand it. And I'm trying not to think that I was baiting him. Okay, maybe I did give him a hard time.

I exchanged numbers with this guy who has the same birthday as I do tonight. A character, let me tell you. This annoyed the ex, as he was very jealous of my knowing him when we were seeing each other. I don't care. Yet again, too many similarities between us. Who says astrology doesn't work? Ryan's interesting, and I think he knows my situation, so I'm not on the defensive. He's a writer, of course, and a graphic artist, so we would have alot to learn from one another. I'm always interested in getting to know what other people who share my birthday are like. I know the capabilties of these people, and myself, really. I just hope he's respectful.

Anyway, enough of this diary shit, I have more concrete things to write about. I think...

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