May 8, 2001

I don't write these very often, but, I dunno. Here goes.

I was in my computer game design class today and heard the following conversation:

Josh: Did you hear that gas will be at $3.00 a gallon by the end of May?
Maureen: No way! $3.00? No way!
Girl: $60.00 tank of gas . . .

Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick!

I don't keep a car at college, which, although it nullifies my personal life, isn't so bad otherwise. Still, during the summer, I've been known to drive to work every day. This is going to suck.

I dunno. I've been conditioned by many issues of Adbusters to feel really crappy every time I key the ignition. I try not to drive unless I really have to, but . . . crap, man . . . my friends and I take a road trip to GenCon every August. It's like my only "real" vacation all summer.

Time to invest in a bike, I know . . . but . . . I don't want to get to work all sweat-soaked. Plus, that would mean I'd have to work really close to my house in the suburbs, unless I want to leave for work at like 4 or 5 in the morning . . .

Maybe I take myself too seriously?

Well, had one of four graduation goals accomplished today. I picked up two certificates from college; Windows NT Networking and Advanced Windows Networking with Windows 2000. This summer I'll get another certificate in CompSci-LAN Technology, then in December I'll pick up an Associates in CompSci. After that, 18 additional credits will bring me my Bachelors of Science. If I feel motivated, a Masters in Education will only be an additional 32 credits. So, I feel like I accomplished something today.

If you're in college - stay there and get that silly sheepskin. If you're not, consider going part-time. Worse comes to worse, you'll just get more edumacated.

Woke up at 8am and gave mom a ride to work. Didn't really have to because class (first day too) started at 11am. Bummed around for two hours, tetrinet and then TV downstairs. I flipped to Space and what do you know, they were showing a rerun of TNG. Man, I remember when I used to watch it every day, religiously. I even picked up some habbits from Captain Piccard. I love that show. Simpler times, few years ago, I was so much more naive :) Westley Crusher must die indeed. What an idiot. But that episode set the mood for the whole day.

Left for Langara about 25 minutes before the class started. The drive took about 15 minutes. Pretty refreshing considering my drive to SFU took 40 minutes in the morning and over an hour in the evening rush hour. Parked about half a block away since the weather was more than excellent. Took a 10-minute walk to the campus while listening to my volt.
Get to class (Data structures incidentally) and it's full of ugly geeky people all of whom are males (just like myself. damn) I look around and see a guy i used to know a while back. Son of company owner i used to work for in '96. Weird. Of course he doesn't recognize me, and i make no attempt to talk to him. He's talking to his buddy about dropping the class.
The prof starts the lecture. Pretty sad show; i guess my sense of humour is out of phase with his. However he seems to be a nice guy since he left me in without the prereqs. The class finishes but not before the teacher manages to make an ass out of himself by trying to explain what sort of tcp/ip stack Windows 2000 uses. What a joke.

Get to work at 12:30 eat my lunch and get to it, so to speak. The company has been deteorating for the last few months. Not particularly because of the dot com crash but mostly because of mismanagement and poor organisation. Porn and gambling never disappear. I end up looking over a legacy app we must support and let me tell you it ain't fun. Whatever. It's my job and I gotta do it. Promise to write a script tomorrow. I have two hour breaks between classes hopefully it'll be enough time. I'm planning to lug my laptop with me, hopefully there's a 'net hookup in the library somewhere or something. I'm thinking now that I should've spent an extra thousand and gotten me a nice second hand VAIO. Oh well. Two of my physics classes start tomorrow. We'll see how that goes - maybe they are more exciting.

I still feel awkward reading other people's daylogs - people that i know that is. I feel like a stalker especially since some of them are girl's. On the other hand it's not stopping me right now as the dirty voyeur in me kicks in. I'll decided eventually.

My latest node spree was caused by an arcade game - Strikers 1945. I already noded the Hayate and I'm planning the Flaying Pancake. Of course I managed to forget the other 3 planes. Check tomorrow in the arcade, after i go to the gym. Over and out for now.

I've been a very naughty boy.

Bless me, EDB, for I have sinned. It has been one and a half months since my last writeup. Life has continued to progress in ways I wouldn't have considered, but that's really nothing new. I did manage to come to grips with my dignity and go see a credit counselor about my financial condition. According to her calculations, as long as I get a new job, I should be just fine.

great.

I'm less than a month away from graduating from college. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm thinking about everything so much that it's making my head spin. There's a great feeling inside that I've reached a major point in my life. Unfortunately, I am also burdened with the worry that the best fucking years of my life are coming to a close. I can only be grateful that I had the good sense to enjoy them as best I could. At least I can say that I'm determined to keep having a blast.

Gas is too expensive. I have a boyfriend that doesn't seem psychotic or evil or just plain fucked-up. This is a remarkable thing. He's a bit critical and sassy, which can sometimes get on my nerves....but I think it's a good thing that he can put me in my place every now and then. There's balance here, and I'm finding it quite comfortable.

Good god, I have to get up for work in six hours.

14:07

Seems like E2 had another link purge or something so this day log is a bit late...

Last night, then, I upgraded my video editing software. It didn't help the problem, though, because the patch seemed to update only the drivers, and not the editing software itself. =(

Today, nothing significant has happened. Except for Mozilla 0.9 release, and 0.9 FINALLY has better bookmark management!

Reading Slashdot and such... time to face more challenges.

15:19

I printed the lecture PowerPoint^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HPersuasion slides from UI course webpage... I had 8 PDFs, printed them out to files and joined them with mpage (4 pages/page as recommended when printing stuff like this), and gv said it had about 10 pages.

Turned out to be a lot more - 24.

Well at least it didn't print everything on single page.

15:42

Hey Kids!

You have probably heard this Everything M-Noder Washroom and how undeniably sweet place it is.

Today, something weird was going on after the link purge - I needed to switch to another room and back to appear in the Other Users list.

The target of my visit was the washroom, of course.

The Borg tried to bite my toe.

I fled.

I guess it's not a nice place afterall.

01:02

Some Downtime, I see... Well, not much noded today, but I did update some nodes today, and that was nice enough. And I hope this commentary on weirdness of the world is not completely useless.

What I did this evening? Uh, made the webcam picture suck less (by improving shadow effect's quality), and toyed with Analog.

01:17

Oh yeah speaking of analyses...

Earlier today, someone had asked for an analysis of his site. The page had, among other things, a "haiku editor".

I expressed myself with this one (translated to English literally, so these may not go by rules):

I saw a heavy page,
they said in the newsgroups
that it wasn't good.

Regrettably, as I noticed, the thing wasn't Turing-test-passable and could just tell if I had correct number of syllables, not if the poem was any good.

So, I made another one, a bit more, uh, traditional:

Rain clouds are brought
to the sky by Javascript-
the browser crashes.

(My closing comment: "Something to think of to the people in the back row who are considering career in the web industry!" =)

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Updated: ...some...

Today began with a perfect city morning: quiet, soft, and lush. The sun pours in against the brick wall of the brownstones across from me, making the green leaves of the maple stand out in vibrant contrast. And, it is almost silent, save for the birds chirping and, if you listen very carefully, the deep thrumming tones of the cars one block away.

These days are gifts from the goddess, reminders that we a just a part of this wonderful creation. Two dogs and I walk through the park, nails clicking and sneakers padding along the side of the Muddy River. The trees blossomed here one week ago. In the morning it was overhanging rows of sticks with older hardwoods in the background. That evening the world had come alive in one synchronous moment of birth and celebration. Pink flowers, white flowers, fresh green leaves where before there were none, and a scent, this organic scent, a deep sweetness, permeated the air.

It is days like this that remind me of being alive, remind me that I have a choice, in everything I do. And, that I can choose to focus on the pain and loneliness of being so far from my love, or I can rejoice in the though that one of the most vibrant, intelligent, open minded, and sexy women on the planet has chosen to keep me in her heart. I think that in the next few years I will spend a lot of time missing her, and longing for her touch; her in New York, me in Boston. But I am lucky enough to have someone to miss.

So for now on, I'm be keeping the top headlines from around the world here. If there are any sources I'm not using that you recommend, please /msg me. Do you know an english language paper in South America or Eastern Europe that updates daily? Let me know please.

Without further ado, here is today's top news from around the world:

The BBC's Top Headlines:

• Blair to trigger poll
  Prime Minister Tony Blair sees the Queen, effectively firing the starting gun for elections on 7 June.
• China protests over new spy flights
  China reacts angrily to the resumption of US surveillance flights, denying claims that the detained spy plane to be flown home.
• Space tourist hopes to blaze trail
  The world's first space tourist Dennis Tito says he hopes his $20m holiday will inspire other rich amateur astronauts.
• Protests greet Chinese president
  The Falun Gong spiritual movement begins protests as Chinese President Jiang Zemin arrives in Hong Kong.
• 'Gun clue' in Dando suspect's coat
  The jury at the Jill Dando murder trial hears the first forensic evidence, which it is claimed links Barry George to her murder.
• US thrown off second UN body
  Washington describes as "regrettable" a decision to vote the US off a world-wide body that monitors drugs trafficking and manufacture.
• Appeal to free Angolan children
  United Nations officials demand the immediate release of 60 children abducted during an armed attack near the capital, Luanda.
• Ugandan troops leaving DR Congo
  Uganda announces an "immediate" pullout of troops from 10 towns in northern Democratic Republic of Congo.
• Ghana's ex-sports minister charged
  Mallam Issah is charged with stealing US$46,000 meant as a winning bonus for the national team.
• 'Torture rife' in Brazil jails
  Brazil accepts criticism about prison conditions levelled by Amnesty International ahead of an appearance before the UN Committee on Torture.
• Mexican woman awaits $48 billion payout
  If you have ever grumbled about how little interest your bank pays on your savings, then pay attention to the story of 65-year-old Celia Reyes Lujano from Mexico.
• Japan refuses textbook changes
  Japan's Prime Minister, Junichiro Koizumi, says the controversial history textbooks which have infuriated South Korea cannot be revised.
• Israel sounds the alarm
  Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon warns of dangerous times ahead following the discovery of an arms cache bound for Gaza.
• Iran's red carpet for Castro
  Cuban leader Fidel Castro arrives on a three-day visit in Iran, which he praises for its anti-US stance.
• Bangladesh fears Tagore attacks
  Bangladeshi police step up security at cultural centres linked to the renowned author and poet, Rabindranath Tagore.
• Laloo Prasad facing arrest
  A court in the Indian state of Jharkhand issues an arrest warrant for one of India's most controversial political leaders, Laloo Prasad Yadav.

The New York Times' Top Headlines

• Rumsfeld Plans to Seek a Military Strategy Using Outer Space
  In his first major policy speech, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will propose on Tuesday a sweeping overhaul of space programs.
• Drug Spending Grows Nearly 19%
  As an aging population coped with arthritis, diabetes and high cholesterol, spending on prescription drugs shot up 18.8 percent last year, a new study shows.
• Decrease in Chronic Illness Bodes Well for Medicare Costs
  A decrease in the probability that elderly Americans will be devastated by chronic disabilities like stroke and dementia could spell a slowdown in Medicare spending.
• U.S. Resumes Its Spy Flights Close to China
  For the first time since a collision on April 1 between a Navy surveillance plane and a Chinese fighter jet, the United States resumed reconnaissance flights off the coast of China.
• Statewide Blackouts Ordered in California
  An early hot spell and a high number of power plants out of service for maintenance forced rolling power blackouts in California late Monday.
• Free AIDS Care Brings Hope to Botswana
  Botswana's bountiful diamonds have made it rich enough to mount a wide-ranging effort to save its people from the AIDS epidemic.
• Bosnian Serb Crowd Beats Muslims at Mosque Rebuilding
  Angered by plans to rebuild a mosque in their city, a Bosnian Serb crowd beat dozens of Muslims and forced Western officials to take refuge.
• Court Considers Ownership of Seized 'Hitler' Paintings
  The heirs of Heinrich Hoffmann, Adolf Hitler's friend and personal photographer, are suing the United States to regain paintings created by Hitler

China Daily (Chinese Government -- www.chinadaily.com.cn) Top Headlines

• Jiang pledges to continue opening China's markets
  Chinese President Jiang Zemin Tuesday pledged to continue China's policy of opening its markets to the outside world following the country's entry into the World Trade Organisation (WTO).
• China bars crippled US spy plane from flying out
  China said on Tuesday it would not allow a US spy plane crippled in a collision with a Chinese fighter to fly out of the country.
• Taiwan official flies to Beijing
  Former Taiwan "premier" Vincent Siew flew to China on Tuesday to try to win mainland leaders over to his idea of establishing a regional common market as part of reconciliation efforts.
• Changes in US-China ties debated
  A month of near-constant turmoil in US-Chinese ties has raised fresh questions about whether President George W. Bush has helped to set in motion a fundamental realignment of the countries' relationship.

Panapress (African www.panapress.com) Top Headlines

• Stray cow halts governor's convoy in northern Nigeria
  The official convoy of governor Bukar Ibrahim of Yobe state in northern Nigeria was involved in a serious crash at the weekend, after a stray cow ran into the motorcade as it travelled from the state capital of Damaturu to Buni Yadi, the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reported Monday.
• Bloody violence erupts in western Kenya
  Provincial authorities in Kenya's Rift-Valley Province Tuesday moved fast to allay fears of an escalation of tribal hostilities in the Kipkelion area of Kericho district, Western Kenya following a wave of violence that left four people dead and considerable destruction of property.
• Obasanjo begins marathon foreign trip
  [Nigeria[n President Olusegun Obasanjo begins a marathon three-nation trip Tuesday, that will take him to Congo Democratic Republic and Rwanda, ahead of a US visit, starting Thursday
• Political prisoners' lives threatened amidst flogging
  Eighteen political prisoners, repeatedly flogged by their prison wardens, alleged Tuesday that they have also been receiving threats to their lives from the prison authorities in Monrovia, Liberia.
• Nigeria moves to implement ECOWAS arms Moratorium
  Nigeria has taken a major step toward complying with the ECOWAS' Small Arms Moratorium by setting up a national committee to oversee its implementation in the country.
• Kabila wants DR Congo plunderers booked
  DR Congo leader Joseph Kabila has implored the international community to punish Rwanda, Uganda and Burundi for invading, occupying and plundering natural resources from the central African state.
• Nigerian Red Cross Society marks 40th anniversary
  The Nigerian Red Cross Society (NRCS) said in Lagos Monday that it would invest over 90 million naira in the next 18 months to improve knowledge, understanding and prevention of HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, among young people in the country. (110 naira=1USD).
• Expelled MMD members fight for Parliamentary Seats
  The Lusaka High Court Tuesday adjourned hearing till 18 May, in the ex-parte injunction on behalf of expelled members of President Frederick Chiluba's ruling Movement for Multiparty Democracy (MMD), who are challenging their expulsion.
• Swazi government bans two private publications
  Swaziland's emerging private media have come under siege following official clampdown on two publications considered critical of the government and the monarchy.
• Gidada lauds Red Cross anti-AIDS efforts
  Ethiopian President Negasso Gidada has commended the country's Red Cross and its volunteers for their anti-AIDS activities during the last two years.

Wrong restaurant, wrong night

   

OK, so I made a mistake, big deal.  I just thought that it might be a good time to got some decent food in mass quantities...  
       In any case I was in the mood for ravioli or spaghetti, and my wife and I invited Zot and sane guy to join us -  which they agreed.  We met at Zot's place started to walk the few blocks down to eat.  On the corner of Buttles and Park (at the northeast corner of Goodale Park) someone honked at us and we turned to see that it was James, a friend of ours who I hadn't personally seen for at least two years.  We were very pleased to see him and yelled out to him to join us for dinner - he agreed and said he would meet us on the way.  After a few more minutes of walking he caught up with us and we chatted for a while, caught up on the past few years, Stefanie (my wife) checked him soundly on his marital status and current bliss level.  It was fairly standard conversation (by standard I mean at least twelve digs on my age by everyone there - including a rather pointed one by James asking if I'd managed to find any friends my own age yet...  I was mortified...) until we hit the brick sidewalks of the Arena District...  by that time I was starting to worry if it was a mistake to go there.
    Upon reaching the inner court, by Buca, James began stating loudly that he wished he were trendy.  I started to feel sick to my stomach but kept a good face on this. 
    Hey, I know that there are plenty of places to go where one cannot avoid the trendy, wanna-be people but sometimes I would just rather go someplace and enjoy my personal space and time without pointing out just how different I am from the people around me.  I don't walk into a restaurant and immediately ask for the gay section in a loud clear voice so as not to be misheard.  Sometimes I just want to eat a fucking plate of food without being alternative or 'different'...  anyway... 
    Buca Di Beppo is the kind of place where the atmosphere is sporadic at best...  some nights it can be very sedate and relaxing, while others can be very loud, boisterous and obnoxious.  I figured that, since it was the night of the U2 concert here in Columbus, it would be pretty sedate because most of the people would be at the concert.  This was a mistake.
     First off, if you've ever been to a Buca  you're aware of the decor of the place (cheesy Italian schlock) and attitudes of some of the people who serve there are far too fun loving for them to live - they either love their jobs or they are mind numbingly brainwashed.  I opt for the second but only as long as I can get decent food quickly.
    It only took a few minutes to get seated - despite the dizzying amount of loiterers on the front patio drinking beer before the concert.  We were escorted  quickly through the kitchen, past the David, Pope and Wine rooms, past the Frank Sinatra Shrine and into the Columbus room in the back. We were seated at a crescent moon booth facing the room and slid in warily. 
    The Server's name was Adam and we all hated him immediately.  He was fun loving, good looking, and blond... VERY blond.  His speech about Buca was very good, well rehearsed and completely unnecessary...  but he chattered on incessantly about the specials, the decor, and the fact that we couldn't see the menu (it was on the wall) from where we were seated - so we were welcome to wander the area and take in all of the pictures and articles on the walls.  The only picture any of us seemed interested one was behind Zot...  it was of Luciano Pavarotti looking rather evil.  
    Adam took our drink order and flitted off through the room looking for others to annoy while we discussed dinner.  By the time he returned to the table we were starved and starting to hate the people at the center table...  they began chanting when Adam and company brought their entrees.  Zot wielded his spoon as a weapon and threatened to kill them with it...  if they were quiet it would only last four hours...  if they were bad it would be upwards of fifteen hours...  they ignored him and continued chanting blissfully.
    I finished my first barrel-sized glass of tea and retreated into my thoughts.  This was obviously a mistake, Sane guy was glaring at me, telling me that I now owed them big time and would HAVE to be there for he and Zot's E2 party...  James was trying to get out of the booth, lighter in hand, in an effort to set off the fire alarm...  Zot was holding the large spoons in both hands and said something to me about 16 hours and counting...  Stefanie sat silently sipping her pink lemonade... she can be so soothing sometimes.
    Sane guy and James left the room when 'Mama Rosa' brought out a candelabra to the people at the center table and led the entire room (sans five people) in a rousing chorus of not only "happy birthday to you", but "you are my sunshine"....  I was really getting pissed at this point because we were STILL waiting on our appetizers.
    When the other waiter announced that none of the songs counted until someone sang in Italian- Zot went to the restroom...  I'd forgotten to warn him about it.  I was too busy thinking "Just shut the hell up and bring me my God Damn garlic bread!" as the very non-Italian waiter sang some operatic solo.  This guy obviously thought he could sing well and just had to show off....  where was my shotgun?
    Sane Guy and James returned from smoking outside, Zot returned from the Bathroom (a little Pale) and our appetizers arrived as Adam danced by with another candelabra to lead the center table in another song.  
    Zot's reaction to the bathroom was very simple: "The bathroom pictures are interesting but it's hard to take a piss when you have an erection."
    We laughed until we cried - all of us.
    The mental picture this painted was of Zot standing at a urinal, hands behind his head - and a large grin on his face.
    Adam brought dinner after another long wait and we were relieved when the people at the center tale left for the concert.  Dinner conversation sparked over the fact that James, a moral vegetarian, would eat no spaghetti because it had touched meat.  I was actually pissed that he hadn't told us this when we'd ordered it becuase I would have not ordered meatballs - but the ravioli was veggan so at least he could eat something.  Regardless Zot had mentioned that, as a moral vegetarian, would it be OK to eat meat as long as the creature was aware of the fact he would be eaten and didn't have a problem with it.  Zot asked if James would have  a problem with meat if it were ...  say...  cut from Zot's arm and served by Zot....  James didn't seem to have a problem with this...  sane guy began quoting the family guy and I chimed in hoping to kill the cannibalism conversation - I failed.
    Adam began singing again and I was actually grateful this time.
    I spent the rest of dinner simply filling my plate and then my mouth...  I also said that I would do them the favor of never inviting them back to Buca for dinner to which they thanked me. 
    After dinner we walked back to Zot's in the rain...  wrong night at the wrong restaurant...  I hate it when this shit happens...

Yesterday I went on another improbably impromptu adventure, but I'll get to that in a second.

I've decided that I have two more neurosis than I thought I had previously.

• 1.) I am incapable of denying a friend something that is within my capabilities, no matter how inconvenient
• 2.) I will prostrate myself before my friends by offering to solve any and all of their problems, no matter how inconvenient.

This becomes important, because, as soon as my Clarkie friend mentioned that she needed to get her stuff home to Maine and her boyfriend wasn't around, I, of course, offered like driving 4 hours was no big deal.

Not that it really was a big deal...
So, I left work around 5:30pm yesterday afternoon. I arrived after getting an oil change at Clark around 7:30pm, and tried not to make too much of a fool out of myself in front of the current girl-of-my-dreams, who happened to be using the Clarkie friend's computer to pretend to write her paper. *sigh* Then I lugged most of the stuff down to my car, fought with my back seat a bit to get it to fold down, packed it all in and we were on out way.

The earth must have been turning particularly quickly under us, because 55 minutes later we were in Portsmouth, NH, almost 80 miles away. Soon, we were winding through the back roads of rural Maine, heading for her house.

We arrive. First, of course, the fishie must be delivered to its new home, so as we take care of that, I am subjected to her parents. Gah! People's parents who are WEIRDER than mine are just plain scary.

Anyways, we escape none-too-quickly after unloading and drag my laundry to my parents' house, like 15 minutes away. Laundry washing and movie watching ensue. Around 1am, my laundry is finished and we begin our trek home.

In Portsmouth, we decide to look for The Friendly Toast. Unfortunately, between my rusty memory and too many one-way streets, we soon give up and go to Bickford's instead, where the waitress informed us that one time in the corner booth, she watched a baby get conceived. *GAH!*

After our "exciting" dining experience (where exciting means dangerous to the intestinal tract), we attempted to brave our way back to Worcester. Due to extreme exhaustion, this was indeed a challenge, although somehow we made it there, I dont' recall much of the trip. I promptly passed out on her bed while she studied for her German final.

I made it home at 8:30am, took a shower, and then left for work.

Here I am, $40 poorer, at work attempting to earn enough to pay my bills. *sighs tiredly* And gumming on my G key, from the keyboard casualty in the battle of AlexZander vs. The Evil Water. Mm... plastic.

deafroification

I had my hair cut Saturday.

I have quite the poofy madness atop my head when I let it grow in peace, as I had been doing since last August. I had a huge, black, puffy afro, with hair over 5 inches long when extended. It would be curly when moist, frizzy and huge long after a shower, or filled with kinky demon curls if I slept while it was wet.

My 'fro was quite a source of amusment when combined with sources of light. ideath, Chihuahua Grub, and Equinoctial were all lucky enough to witness the spectacle of Christmas lights embedded within the puff, emanating a sinister glow. Another time, I stood by the window and looked down to the lounge across the courtyard below. Rick saw me, and from his angle, right behind my head was a large and bright fluorescent light, giving me a greenish fuzzy halo. He jumped up excitedly and pointed and yelled. It was among the cutest things that I have ever seen.

But as of Saturday, it is gone. Away. Weg. Bye-bye. Boom!

I went to the Aveda Institute, the training school for Aveda, over in Minneapolis. I paid my $10 and sat in a room with about 100 student stylists, getting my hair chopped off by a very skilled woman who forgot to give me a scalp massage. Over half my hair disappeared into an impressive mountain on the floor, and my cutter's instructor approved of the result. I have about 2 inches left. It's still curly, at least.

eduterminification

Finals Week is coming up, and classes are ending. My English Syntax class ended on Friday. My professor talked about rather big-picture issues of language change, thanked the class for an enjoyable and interesting term, and walked out of class twenty minutes early. Apparently he always makes a dramatic exit. Later that day, I attended my last Spanish class. We did a relatively enjoyable role-playing activity involving customer service. For example, I was a butcher at a supermarket, and a customer came in complaining about rotten fish. I insisted that I only sold fresh fish and I commented on his "refrigeradora rota" (broken refrigerator). At the end of the class, as we students shuffled out of the room, our classmate Dan said, simply, "It's been fun."

I now have one class and two finals left.

nodaugmentilevilization

With this writeup, I enter the coveted land of Level 6-dom. (I'm not quite sure if that sentence makes sense.) This means... homenode picture time! As soon as my before-and-after afro photos are developed, I'll put them up. But for now, I shall put a photo from New Year's Eve of me in demo mode.

I woke up at around 11 today, showered, then fell back asleep. I didn't get anything I had to get done done today, luckily it wasn't my fault so ill be able to sleep tonight
The doctor has to write me a letter explaining that I was deathly ill for the majority of the semester, so i can get a medical withdrawal, which he conveniently didn't do yet.

I only smoked 2 cigarettes today, which is a good thing. im not planning on quitting soon, but considering that for some time i was up to a pack a day +.
My dad got an HP all in one piece of junk things, scanner, printer, copier, fax, the whole kit and kaboodle. just finished setting that up on one of the machines downstairs.

Plans for the rest of the day:
-Walk to store to buy beer and cigarettes before it gets too dark.
-Crimp a few network cables and run them across my roof so the TV computer has network/internet access.
-Drink beer, fall asleep early so i can get to the courthouse to get my ticket taken care of, so i can drive to the store next time.

We had been shopping for my prom dress the day that it happened. It was spring, and my mom and I were getting one of our rare times alone, driving to Klamath Falls to buy me a dress for my Senior Prom. We were returning home when we saw my grandpa's truck in the middle of the alfalfa field. The sun was going down, and we could see someone outside the truck, so we turned off and drove towards it. Coming closer, we could see what was going on, and our blood ran cold. The truck was stuck in the mud, the tires spinning endlessly. My brother was standing outside the truck, tears streaming down his face, holding a gun pointed at the ground. My dad was slumped behind the wheel of the truck, his forehead leanding against the steering wheel, not moving. As we jumped out of the car and ran to my brother and my dad, my dad lifted his head from the wheel and gave my brother an angry look. My brother shot him a look of pure hatred and dissolved into hysterical crying in my mom's arms. I have never hated anyone so much as I hated my father at that very moment. I have never hated my life so much as I did in that moment.

I don't remember what happened for the rest of that night. I'm sure it was one of many fights, split ups, and eventual reconciliations surrounding my dad's drinking. But that scene in the field has stuck with me for all these years. Apparently my dad had come home drunk, which wasn't an unusual thing, and wanted to take my brother squirrel hunting. In his drunken state, my dad didn't avoid a soft spot in the field, and got the truck stuck. I'm not sure why he was driving my grandpa's truck, but he gunned the motor again and again, building himself into a rage because the truck was stuck. My brother got out of the truck and was holding the gun on my father, I'm not quite sure why. If we hadn't come along when we did, would my brother have shot my father? I don't know. He was upset enough to have done anything.

The scene itself is bad enough. I remember it vividly, but what sticks with me the most are the emotions I felt as we pulled up to that truck. Part of me hoped my dad was dead. My father's drinking had made my family life such hell by that time, that his death would have been a sort of relief. I also was filled with a deep deep sense of shame. This whole scene was being played out within clear view of a highway that many of my friends' parents would be taking. My grandparents' house looked out over that field. I was deeply ashamed that this family crisis was in full view of other people. I think the desire for no one to see was stronger than anything at that time. I wanted so badly to maintain the illusion that things were ok with my family that that need overrode almost everything else. The thought that someone would see my drunken father in the field was more devastating to me than the fact that my father may be dead.

That was the day that I admitted to myself that my family was broken, and that no amount of pretending could make us 'normal' and happy. That was the worst day of my life.

21:41 :: 05.08.01

i'm on some really nasty antibiotics. i can't sleep when i'm tired, and when i want to be awake i can't get up. my lower back is swollen right around the kidneys, and i'm sure i'm pissing pure adrenaline. after struggling to become awake for many hours, i got up at 05:00 this morning and finished some work, which i then mailed to the office. i promptly passed out again, soon afterward, against my will and my better judgement. some time around 15:00, i went to see my endocrinologist, who is apparently having approximately as shitty a day as i am. which either speaks well for her, or badly for me, as Michelle is almost always having a worse day. i managed to get seen sometime around 17:15 (on a 15:30 appt.), and then i sat around and goofed with the doc and her consultant friend for about an hour. the upside of this is that i have a new glucometer, instead of the nine year old model with the nicked lens and the duct tape that i've been hauling around since they first let me out of the hospital all those years ago. and let me tell you this new one is *cool*. it's a OneTouch Ultra, and it gives results in five seconds. i wipe the blood off my hands, and it's done. a truly amazing machine. but now back to the hack-job i call reality. . .

I finished an interesting book, called The Prozac Backlash. This psychiatrist talks about the side effects of prozac and other similar antidepressants (which he ends up referring to more and more as stimulants by the end of the book). But he wasn't completely radical, he does recommend prescribing them in moderate to severe depression cases, and if the patient insists, he'll cooperate...but will warn them of the risks that occur in some people (brain damage, tics, parkinson's symptoms, sexual side effects, violent/suicidal reactions...strong withdrawal effects) I'm sure that I could find a half-dozen other books that have the opposite viewpoint, that these drugs are our salvation. However, it did make me think.

Meanwhile, I'm sick and tired of the cold weather here in Boston. I mean, come on, already, its May! I'm ready to sweat, to need iced tea, to desire a fan... Ugh. I'll get over it, just in time for it to become warm. Next winter, I'm going to plan a vacation to someplace warmer, an escape.

He was saying how weird it would be without his chin beard, I said don’t shave it off until you’re with some one who doesn’t enjoy it, and he said ‘ ahh but you’ll always enjoy it’ as if we would never break up, I just thought that was the best response, it made me so happy, I had the biggest grin on my face, just the idea that we’ll be together is amazing instead of being negative.